Monday, November 30, 2015

Am I too generous?

Being generous is part of my nature, I like to give to others, and I love to see others smile of something I did or gave to them. But one thing behind it, is the fact that I just hope to see someone do something to me. I have very few people, my gf and my family, who really do that every now and then.

I just had my birthday, and I can just say, I'm so thankful for my GF; if it wasn't for her, my birthday would have been worst day of my life. Yes, I got gongratulations online... messages, some empty, some more loving. I just got this feeling that there's really few people who really care. I get ignored everywhere I go, unintentionally or not, it hurts. I've been loner for almost my whole life, and when I got online, I finally felt like I belonged in a group. That is slowly going away. I feel like I'm just that one generous dude that gives to others, but that no one really cares. I'm the one who does stuff for others, but rarely gets asked how my life is going.

And to answer to that last one, my life is going kind of good, but my stress levels are getting high, I have no motivation to anything... I have no motivation to life, to be honest. My life is full of paperwork, trying to get enough documents to social service, to get income to live my life. I'm getting sick and tired of that, but because of the fact that I'm unmotivated, that's only thing I really can do. I'm not willing to get my ass up to get job, not that there was any jobs for me anyway; being uneducated, depressed and without any contacts. I know, I should get myself up and "demand" jobs, but I'm not that kind of person. I'm not person who demands anything of anyone, I'm the one who silently grieves when nothing gets done, but never says it aloud.

Yay, christmas is coming... Ok, I'm not even that excited. Christmas is great time; I get together with my family, but I just know, it'll be empty feelings after that; as it is before. I have my family, and I have my GF; that's all I have, at least that's in my mind. I know in my heart that there's people who care, but because I don't see it, I can't really feel it. My birthday was great, I got money to buy stuff I want, and my GF got me gifts I wanted, but for some reason, I waited for more, and got disappointed. I got so many "empty" Happy birthday -messages, that they just filled my head. I know for some that's all they can do, but still, I just assumed more. I got one phone call from one of my closest friends, at midnight, but I didn't answer, because my phone was silent. Apart from that, my mom called me, and I got money gift. I'm just grateful my girlfriend was here. She cares, and she shows it.

I know some of you can now think I'm greedy, I just want stuff, I just want gifts, I just want YOU to buy me things. No, it's not that; I assumed so, because I'm overly generous myself. I can't stop giving you, and I just think you are same as me. I know it's not like that. I uncontrollably cried for over an hour last night, just because of all stress coming up, and thoughts of being alone; thoughts of my past, and thoughts of "what if". The thoughts of "without my GF, I would have no one". And to be honest, without my girlfriend, I wouldn't have gone this far. I wouldn't probably be here anymore without her.

All of you who even try to show me you care, thank you. You were my world two years ago; and you are still big part of my life. I don't live for myself, I live for you! I live because I want to see you smile for more, because I want your smile to brighten up my life.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

'If I am real'

I have 2 people who really seem to give a shit about me: my gf and my mom. I have no one else.. Or at least that's how it mostly seems.. I have no IRL friends, and the way I see things I won't for a long while.. I'm not outgoing, I'm most boring conversation partner; I'm a boring person. I get nothing done, I have no motivation in life, mostly because I have only few people close enough.. I see posts about people having fun with friends, and every time I want to be one of them.. I just can't do it.

Some of you might think my life is perfect, because of loving girlfriend, that's also what I thought a while ago, but it has changed... I can now see, I need more people in my life. I do have people I care about, a lot of them, but mostly it seems it's a one-way deal. No one asks me how I am, no one cares.. I get ignored a lot online, I just get by-passed.. And a few I have tried to help, doesn't seem to always notice my help, or at least it doesn't seem to affect.. It makes me feel like I'm just air from time to time.

A song by Finnish artist Sanni called "Jos mä oon oikee" (If I am real) got me thinking about stuff. The chorus roughly translated: "If I am real, why people walk through me? If I am real, why I don't even remember my name? If I am real, why mirror doesn't reflect me anymore? If I am real, why I don't even remember my name?" That goes deep into my thoughts. I'm just a see-through.

I care about all of you people, whether or not you care me back. I know I don't contact many of you either, and that's because I don't know what to say. I know lot of you have same problem, with me, or with other people. I try to command myself and you to open mouth if you feel like it. WE CAN DO IT!

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

What if...


What if I'm doing this wrong? What if I am making total fool of myself?

I am afraid of doing something wrong, big time. That's one thing that stops me at many things; applying for job, talking to people, even doing some household chores. I just can't get my mind off from "what if"-thoughts of everything that can go wrong. I am never first one to go do something, I am follower. I can't do anything, if someone else haven't done it before me.

Everybody makes mistakes, I know that, but somehow it doesn't help me off my fear. My life gets harder every single day, because I can't get myself doing anything I would have to do. If I might do something wrong about something, I won't do it at all, in fear of doing it wrong. That's why I can't just go to stores or workplaces to ask if they have job available, because I might be asking wrong person, or I shouldn't just do it that way.

I don't know if this "fear" is caused by being bullied in the past, but that might be one cause. Other can just be my nature. I'm people pleaser, in big way. I want to make everyone around me happy, and I don't want to harm anyone. That is something I see good about me, but it's also bad at times. Too much is too much, as in everything.

Monday, September 14, 2015

I'm just a lazy piece of shit!

I know I'm being harsh on myself, but as the title says, that's how I think about myself right now... I have started blaiming myself on all this shit I've been through; again... I'm super-lazy by nature, and that's something I can't change, at least in my head. I've had 3 weeks to start emptying my current apartment for moving, but no, I've been able to do absolutely nothing, apart from emptying that one bookshelf, and even that not wholy.. My stress levels are getting high, because I know I will get shout at, if I do nothing, and also I fear that nothing will change when I need to get myself a job. I also can already see myself failing to start studies, because of my own level of laziness..

Laziness is reason behind all the shit I've been through: depression, loneliness, stress of no money. I can't blame depression for my laziness, because it is the other way round, and it will always be. Nothing will change, no matter what anyone says. I can't get myself to do anything, because I'm lazyass piece of shit. I've been thinking about how I was year or two ago, and yeah, right now I can say, I haven't really done progress. I can act like I have gone forward, but it's just an act. In my head, nothing have changed in my head, apart from emation-wise. I need a job, I need a step forward, I need something, but I can't make myself do anything to get it.

I have been happier than I was last year, that's because of my girlfriend, I'm happy I have someone to love, and someone who loves me, but unfortunately that's not enough. I need to get my personal life forward too, but all I do is get our life forward. That's all I can get myself to do, to make my girlfriend feel happy, or at least try to do that. My personal life is on downhill to hell, and it doesn't seem like it's stopping. I have no motivation to study, I have no motivation to get a job, I have no motivation to even clean my own apartment. All those things are mandatory for me right now, if I ever want to get any income. I'm not being depressed, I'm being lazy piece of shit. I want to help others as much as I can, I don't even care anymore about myself. Seeing happy people makes me happy, on the outside. Inside, there's sadness almost all the time. I'm professional in hiding it, after doing it for over 10 years. I can hide it from others, but I can't hide it from myself. If I could, it would be greatest thing ever.

I wrote this post while crying, while thinking how shitty I am to myself; while thinking of all the things I SHOULD be doing and SHOULD have done. Things I SHOULD but I COULDN'T and/or CAN'T. I can't count on others doing something magical to get me going, while I can't even get myself doing anything I need to do. I am too lazy, I am a lazyass piece of shit.

Big hugs to everyone, hope you all good!

Saturday, August 15, 2015

New apartment // Student subjection in Finland

So, this happened: I signed some rental papers on wednesday and yesterday my GF got two keys for our new apartment. I can't officially move in until end of September, because of notice period on my current apartment, but technically we can start moving whenever we can. This is big step forward in my life, and I have been waiting for something like this to happen. Moving in with my GF was already planned pre-summer, as I said on previous posts, but it couldn't be done, because couldn't really find suitable apartment. Now that papers are signed, and my GF has the keys, I am very happy. Life goes forward for a change.

I still have some things to work through before I move in; I don't know where I get money from for September, and also what I do this fall. I will have to visit KELA to see what I can do with rehab thingy, if I can do anything. I will be studying next year, at least a bit, as distance studies. I will have to get 20 study credits before I get my study aid back, and that's what I'm aiming for. But because I'll have to study without aid, I'll have to either get a job, or get social aid. I can't get myself to be unemployed, because I have place to study, and I registered for next academic year.

Monday, July 27, 2015

'Worry' isn't a swear word

Worrying isn't bad thing. If somebody worries about you, it's nothing to be afraid of. You don't have to apologize for "making someone worry about you". People worry about you on their freewill, you aren't forcing them to do anything, and therefore you aren't doing anything wrong, so why should you apologize for it? Nobody would want to live in the world where no one is worried about others. Worrying = caring, and if someone cares about you, you should be happy about it, not trying to hide from it. Don't be afraid to tell something that makes you feel down to someone, because you think he/she would get "too worried". There's no such thing as "too worried". Everybody chooses themselves who and how much they worry and care.

If nobody would have been worried about me about a year ago, I wouldn't be here writing this blog. When people get worried about you, it just means they would want to help, if they can. Everybody chooses themselves how much they worry, you don't have to be afraid that you make someone feel down. If someone cares about you, and gets worried, it's their own choice, at least usually. Most of people can see themselves when there's too much sh*t to handle for them, and they can stop themselves for worrying too much. It's not your job to choose who cares and worries about you, and how much they do.

Monday, June 22, 2015

What have I done wrong?

The question in the title is the one I ask myself lots of times... per day. That's because I can't help blaiming myself of the fact that I'm lonely. To generalize, only times when people come talk to me, is when they need something. At least that's how it feels like. If I want any other conversation, I need to start it; and because I'm shit at working out any topics to talk about, I don't have any conversations. Of course there are some people who talk to me, but I just can't help to think, what have I done wrong, when people, who I talked with daily earlier, rarely talk to me at all.

I know I'm not easiest person to contact with, because I am cynical piece of shit, so to say. But that's something I can't really change; or I could, but I won't, because that's part of me. I am negative on lots of things. I can't know all the reasons, but biggest reasons come from my past.

Some of you might call me attention whore now. No, that's not what I'm doing. I don't want anyone to have contact on me just because of what I write. I'm just wondering why people don't talk to me. My life is on stall at the moment, I'm not going forward as things stand right now. In two months time, I've hopefully moved to Kouvola. I am trying to get to rehabilitation, to get myself to work, or to do anything really. I'll probably take year off studies, so I need something. I can't just lay on the bed all day every day; my gf would kick me out. I have been like that for long time now really, and even I can't handle it. I have stress for multiple reasons, economical issues being the largest. I am genuinely hoping for that lottery jackpot, so the stress would go away.

I am still same person that I was a year ago; only change being that I'm in relationship now. It doesn't change much, for now, in my everyday life, until we move together. Still, somehow almost every contact I had year ago, has disappeared. Partly because I don't contact lots of people, partly because I don't get contacted. Yes, I've got new contacts and friends after that, but still, I can't stop thinking, what have I done wrong to lose the old ones. Different interests might be one thing, but that's one thing I have with everyone, because I don't have any clear interests. Even if I have different interests with someone, that doesn't mean we couldn't talk.

But as I said earlier, don't talk to me if you don't want to; but I would just want to know why I am left alone. This was written when I was down deep, so it might come out little harsh on some points, but this is who I am right now. Talk to me, if you want to have contact with me. If you want to be part of my life, make some effort on it from your end, I won't start every conversation. Thank you and have a great summer, or so.

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Loneliness inside

The feeling of loneliness, when it's not by choice, is one of the saddest feelings there is. At least for me. I am alone most times, and sometimes I'm ok with it, but sometimes, like now when I'm writing this post, it's unbearable. 

Everyone who knows me, knows that my intentions are always keeping everyone happy, but in the same time, I'm really feeling lonely. I'm not starting to beg, but sometimes I just can't stop thinking about the fact, why I don't get any response to it. When I see someone feeling down, I'll atleast try to help them get happier, because seeing sad people is sadder than being sad myself. Sometimes I feel like I never get that same thing back. I have almost no people talking to me, without starting to talk to them. Because of that, I sometimes, or my brain sometimes start to put thoughts to my head: "What have I done wrong? Does anybody care about me?" 

When at the same time I am person, who needs alone time, I also need company. This steps in, when I see lots of other people posting somewhere how happy they are, having fun with friends. Yes, I'm happy for everyone who are happy, it makes me happy to see people happy, but in the background, I feel like I'm only one who doesn't have anyone to have fun with. Gaming-wise, this partly is "own choice", because I don't play the most popular games, so I don't have many games to play with friends. While people might think, why I don't start playing the popular games; the thing for me is, that even good company won't make in my mind shitty games better. I won't play games just for company, so yes, my loneliness is partly my choice. I sometimes "hate" myself for thinking like this, but that's just who I am, and I won't change that. 

Also, going to "real life" meet-ups, LANs and other meetings with people, I have noticed that also with people around, I feel lonely. I am alone in company, because I am partly outsider, in every group. This is partly results from my background of being bullied. I doubt myself, my self-esteem is down, and I overthink what other people think about me, simultaneously lying to myself that I'm bad person.

Monday, May 11, 2015

My patience is running out

I am normally very patient person, about anything, but right now, I'm starting to lose my patience on my life. I've gone very little bit forward in my life in last 2 years. I've done my civil service, and I've found myself a loving GF. Other than that, my life is running in place.

I've been raised to believe in fate; everything happens for a reason; but sometimes I just wish I knew the reason. There's too much waiting for stuff, that I can't do anything about. I can't be patient for long, if at same time I'm unaware of almost everything. I can't stay patient even about getting myself healthy and able to study or work, while at the same time society pressures me to do all kinds of decisions, and to try to handle all shit that I really just can't. Stress levels cause shitty sleep schedule, and overthinking everything. Lately my brain also has started to think, how many people really do care. I am lonely, even when in company. I noticed that yesterday when I was celebrating Mother's Day with relatives. I thought I might have a good day, but I ended up just laying in couch, trying to stop myself from crying, while at the same time there were people around me all the time.

That's my life. I'm lonely almost all the time; only exceptions being the times when I'm with my GF or with my friends, which I can't see that often. And online, I feel even lonelier day by day. I have only few people who come talk to me regularly. I can't start conversations myself, because I fear that they will end awkwardly. And because barely anyone comes to talk to me, my brain starts thinking that no one really cares. I know there's people who do, but my brain doesn't.

I will have big decisions to make right now. I have to somehow be able to decide whether I move to my parents for summer, or if I stay in Tampere, or if I move to Kouvola. I will move to Kouvola after summer at latest, if everything goes as it seems right now, but what do I do over summer, is still a blur. And I can't clarify it by myself, I have to wait for decisions from KELA, and my psychiatrist. I still need that someone in my life, at least for every week, to see, to have contact with, but at this moment, I can't do anything about it.

There are people amongst you who saved my life earlier. I know you will be there for me, if I need you, but I just can't get myself to start asking for help, because I can't put my thoughts into words. I know I will be allright, but it will take time, and I most probably can't do it by myself. My patience is running out, I won't last for long.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

This thing I call life

My life... let's say it straight, is not good at the moment. Main thing is the fact that I can't do anything with it. I am going through depression, and it's getting worse again. Even though I have a loving GF, and many friends online, I still am lonely most of the time, and also, I'm not doing anything atm. I know some of you will come and tell me to do something with it, but it's not that easy. Depression is a disease, I would like to get it out of my life, but it doesn't happen in a blink of an eye. One thing that doesn't help with my depression is amount of stress I'm getting, mainly because of economical issues. I have no income at the moment, because of waiting time on sickness benefit. I am on sick leave for 66 days, and there's waiting time of 55 days on sickness benefit. There's just no logic. How the hell do they think I can even have any power to try to fix all this shit I have to figure out to even get money for living? The amount of stress society gives me doesn't help me at all while I'm trying to cure my depression.

I have got told by people to get myself a job. If you have audacity to tell me that, you should at least find out some facts first. There's 10.3% unemployment rate in Finland as of March this year. On 15-24 year olds (the age group I'm in), the same figure is 27.7%. It's not that easy to find a job to do. I am happy for you if you have got yourself a job easily, but you have no need to come tell me to get a job. If I could, I would. Also, for further information, there's not many employers giving jobs to people on sick leave, and also depressed people aren't the easiest employees most of the time (not always). Also, for me personally, another big thing making getting a job difficult, is the fact that I have no degree, apart from graduating from high school. Even professionals can't find jobs these days, how do you think a person with no degrees would get them any easier?

You can come tell me I am lazy, and I won't even blame you for it. I am lazy from time to time, mostly because of depression, partly because of my nature. But the situation I'm in isn't caused by laziness. It's caused by series of things from the past, leading to the depression.

At this moment, I'll have big decisions to make, but I can't make any plans to anywhere, because I'm waiting for progression on all the shit I can't affect. I will move probably before summer, but at this point, I can't say 100% sure if I will move back to my parents' or closer to my GF. I will have year-off from studies, and therefore I also have to figure out where and how I will get an income. But for now, the main thing I have to think about, is getting my own situation to improve. It will improve at some point, I know that, I can make it happen, but it won't be easy, and it won't be quick.

Also, I have to use this (again) to thank all the people that have been there for me lately. There isn't many people talking to me, and every single word you say to me, helps me. I am happy for everyone who have come to talk to me, at least said "hi". Don't be afraid to come talk to me; if I don't feel like talking, I will tell it straight away. YOU people are my fuel. YOU are the reason why I'm still breathing.

Monday, April 13, 2015

Update 20150413

Did you know that being unaware of your future is great? Me neither. Because it isn't. I can't plan anything, because I don't even know what will happen next week. I'm waiting for mail from the Social Insurance Institution (KELA) to know whether or not I get my sickness benefit for this month or not. Been waiting for too long. Also, I need to go to visit KELA anyway soon, to go and find out if I can get rehabilitation from there, to get trial jobs, and to get my life back on, or at least do something with my life. At the moment, I do absolutely nothing, everyday.

I was just re-diagnosed with moderate depression, and therefore I'm going for sick leave now, and probably/hopefully for rehabilitation as soon as possible. I need a rhythm, and because of my situation, getting job would be hard, and I can't study, I just can't get any motivation to it, and therefore I can't get forward with studies. And now, my days consists of doing nothing, and staring at TV or computer screen all day. My sleep schedule sucks too, because my brain doesn't let me sleep. Too many thoughts every single night 'cause me to have very little sleep.

Also one thing that's bringing me down at the moment, is the fact that I'm almost always alone. I am dependent on people, which was noted again after Easter weekend, when I was with my gf, and also saw couple of friends when we visited Helsinki. After it, I have been feeling very down, because I have no one. Even online, it's been quiet. Rarely people come talk to me, and I'm not good at starting conversations, because I can't find any topics to talk about, and I hate awkward silences and endings of conversations. I would love to talk to people more, but I just can't. I always think for half an hour before I can even say hi to someone, because I overthink whole conversation, and all the thoughts of the person I'm talking with. This causes me to not even start conversations. One another thing I need, is gaming company; I can't get myself any motivation to play games alone, and I don't play the most usual games, like LoL or CS or RuneScape, so finding people to play with is hard. And even if I have games in common with someone, it's unlikely for them to want to play them with me; maybe because we have played it through, or because they are playing something else with someone else. My only social come-together during days are stream chats, and some rare chats with people elsewhere. I could say that stream chats are my life, or at least one of them. Won't name it here, but the person I'm talking about knows, and most of the people who know me anyway.

Last thing I'm gonna tell you in this, is the fact, that I most probably have move coming up. I will move to Kouvola probably before, or during summer, if everything goes as planned. The reason why I move to Kouvola is solely my GF. She lives there, and getting closer to her could make my mental health better. Also, the reason why I can even think about moving, is the fact, that I'm 99% sure, I won't be continuing studies for next year; I will take year off studies, hopefully get to trial jobs via KELA, or then just try to get some work on other ways.

PS: This picture is working as a metaphor for unawareness

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Rollercoaster called my mood

I thought I might aswell make an update on here. My mood has been going up and down lately, and right now, it's going down quick, mainly because of the fact, that I can't get anything done. I have no motivation to anything I should do, and therefore can't get forward in my life. Also the stress levels are getting high again, because of the fact that I know I should do something. I have to say though, that I would be way worse, if it wasn't for my loving GF. Because of her, I still can at least do something.

Another thing I wanna talk about is how students are treated in Finland at the moment. There just was law proposition about cutting student money, so you can't get student money if you go for another college/university degree. Thank god that was cancelled, but now, I think it was just a trick by government to get students happy, so we wouldn't ask for raise in student money. Because that is really what at least I want. Student money is smaller than unemployment money. What's the point in that? At least in my mind, students deserves at least same amount of money than unemployed. Right now, I'm not on student money, because it got "frozen". I've been living on social aid, which is like 10 times bigger than my student money was. There's no logic in that. Then the public wonders why students end up working long days alongside studies; maybe the reason is the fact, that they can't really get along with only study money..

But yeah, back to my life. Right now, I'm probably gonna go for partial sickness benefit, so I can still study, but don't have to stress that much on study credits. I still have to find some courses to go for next semester, but I just can't seem to find anything interesting; the thing being, nothing really interests me at the moment. I also have to find some summer job, but it's not easy without connections to anything, nor almost any work experience, and no degree on anything really.

One thing I've also noticed lately, is how much I overthink everything. My brain decides some things are way worse, than they really are; or at least I think they aren't really that bad. Won't go to details on that. Lately I've also been thinking, how many people really care about me, or want to know how I am? Apart from really my GF, I very rarely get anyone come to talk to me; every conversation I get, is started by me. I know, I also overthink that, because probably people just don't know what to say to me; I rarely know what to say to others neither, but still, sometimes I just want someone to come to ask me how I am, without me needing to ask them first. And before anyone comes to ask me now, don't. Don't do it now, just because I said it, do it if you really want to talk. I am pretty much always available for conversation, just ask; I will tell you if I'm busy on something; altho that's not pretty usual, because I really don't do anything ever.

But yeah, I know I'm not only one feeling sad at the moment, and I wanna say to you all, the bad mood is transient, it'll go away, eventually. Just stay strong, I know I will. Big hugs to all of you, and big thanks to any of you who really care! You mean the world to me! ♥

Monday, March 2, 2015

Update (LANning and other)

LANning. Yeah, that's a word; or maybe not; I don't really care..

I thought of writing a post now, because haven't done one in a long time. Now, it's about a month from the end of Assembly Winter 2015 LAN party, I decided to visit a bit ex tempore. I went there for 2 days, to see friends, and to play games and watch e-sports. It also gave me a chance to see my gf, I hadn't seen for a month before that. We got to meet for few hours, but still better than nothing :). From Assembly itself, the most remembered part was to meet some friends I hadn't seen for long time, and just get some hugs and stuff from them. I hope to get to see people as often as possible, because of the fact that I depend on them pretty much. Without people, I wouldn't be here. Overall, Assembly was nice ex tempore trip to Helsinki.

Yesterday marked the end of another LAN Party I went to called LanTrek. It was in Tampere, and it was another way to see more friends. Before that there was a not-so-good happening; I was supposed to go get my girlfriend to Tampere from her place for the week, but the slush decided otherwise. Me and my loan-car ended up upside down in a ditch (picture below the text); I didn't hurt myself, but the car didn't move on. That made some plans more difficult, but that's life. My GF got to my place then by train on Monday, and we had the start of week for ourselves. On Thursday, LanTrek started, and the happening was overall great, although it had some "ungood" happenings on the way. Especially the night between saturday and sunday was "hilpeä" (hilarious), thanks to some friends. Bad thing about the LanTrek was the fact that I still have #PetoOnIrti (Finnish song by Antti Tuisku) stuck on my head, alongside with "Pink Fluffy Unicorns Dancing on Rainbows". But well, overall the week was great, and I'd love to have another one like this as soon as possible. We'll see if I can get to Assembly Summer, and if there is any bigger happenings before that where I can get to. I have to thank everyone at the LanTrek and Assembly Winter, because you guys are the reason I am still here. Big hugs to all of you!

PS: Everyone of you I have ever met, or got to any friendship with; you are all important to me, and I can just hope I can be as important to any one of you. Stay strong, and if you need someone, feel free to message me! You people are awesome, no matter what anyone else says! Big hugs! Luv ya all!  ♥

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Why don't you just ...?

I've got told many times that I should just get up and do something... It's just not that easy. It might seem like it for someone who doesn't know, but it isn't. For me, doing something is hard, because I have no passion on anything, no interest on anything. I'd need to find that something that I get passion for, before I can get myself up and running. At the moment, nothing gives me pleasure (except for my GF).. Not even video games, that gave me pleasure for multiple years, and worked as a cure for depression. Now, it's just a way to waste my time. I have nothing.

I've gotten help from multiple sources. I get helped by my friends, and family, and I also have professional help available, BUT because of the fact that I'm not interested on anything, I'm not interested even on my own life, it gets hard. I have to get that motivation boost from somewhere, but it's easier said than done. I know I'm capable of doing that, but I need time, and right now, I have no time. Society presses me down all the time. I need to do X amount of studies, to get my aid back. Yeah, it shouldn't be all about money, but in nowadays society, it pretty much is. I don't want to lose my apartment, and I don't want to move back to my parents. I've lived on my own for 2½ years now, I don't want to take step back, I want to move forward. The thing is though, I need time.

I can't get onto studies, because I don't find anything interesting. Went through all possible lanes in my university, and found NOTHING. Also, it gives extra pressure to have society pressuring me. Although I now got social aid, I don't know for how long. And with study money, it's like 50€/month I have to live with. And the same would be, if I went for sick leave (again). My financial situation pressures me, and stresses me.

Also, I've gotten told, that I have to get my own life good, before I can help others. The thing with that is, helping others works as a cure for me. Seeing someone else smile or laugh, makes me happy, especially when I have done something to get that smile to his/her face. My own life has gone up from what it was last fall, but I'm still not fully "cured", and I'll never be. Depression is always gonna haunt me somehow, that's a fact. I can ease it, but I can never get fully rid of it.

I'm glad to see how many people really care about me, and want to help me. I'll always be thankful for you, BUT I need to get something done myself. Right now, I just need that time, it's all I really need. Time for myself (and my GF), time to think things through. I just can't get that right now.

Also, right now I use this same post to complain about Finland's financing system. WHY does unemployed people get 10 times more money than students? It should be same for students, but no. As a student, I get approximately 50€/month after paying rent. Right now, as I'm on social aid, which is pretty much the same as unemployed get, I get 500€/month after rent. And then they complain in media that students do almost full-time jobs during studies.. Why would that be? Maybe it is because we can't get money from anywhere else? I just can't get the reason, why it is like that... I would like to be unemployed right now, but to get that, I can't be a student, and pretty much I need to finish some studies and get profession, to get to be unemployed...

But yeah, that's it for now, I hope you understood my points. Feel free to ask on comments below, or in my social media (links on the right).

Saturday, January 10, 2015

STOP Bullying


I might be little harsh on this post, because this is so close to my heart... DO NOT be offended by language or anything:

Ok, let's go straight to the point: Bullying is SHIT! Bullying causes depression, anxiety, and eventually can cause suicide. I've never could, and never will understand the motives of bullies: why you do it, why you make someone's life miserable, or at worse, make them kill themself? What is the reason behind this? When you bully someone, you leave eternal scars, even if it's not physical... Mental bullying, like calling names, discrimination, and all that stuff, are sometimes way worse than physical bullying... Sticks and stones may break my bones, and so on... You will never have any good reason to make someone wanting to end their life.. NEVER... Sometimes, bullying gets to the level, where kids tell other kids to kill themselves.. And sometimes, the bullied kid will grant that wish. And this happens in ages under 15...

Another thing I want to talk about, is intervening with bullying. I shouldn't generalize, but teachers don't do anything to stop bullying, pretty often. Always you hear and see everywhere on papers, and in schools, that there's zero tolerance of bullying, but still, when it happens, people are ignoring it, just shrugging their shoulders.. When some kid is told to kill themself by a class-mate, you cannot ignore it, you have to step in, but still, no, nothing happens... Maybe they get some reprimand, or detention, but what's that gonna help? You have to step in in bigger way, especially when it gets that bad... No one, I mean NO ONE should have to live with people telling them to kill themselves, but still, it's usually the bullied who has to change school, have to move, because of that, and their self-esteem is so low, that they will be alone in new place also... Teachers have the power in school to step in, but they choose not to do it, and just sit and drink their coffee, and then say "we have no time" and "kids are kids" and "they can handle it by themselves". THEY CAN'T. Kids, especially young ones, CAN'T handle it by themselves, it will only get worse day by day, if you think like that...

Also, big part in this, comes from family, parents. I have been in situation, where bully's parents don't believe when teacher, or even headmaster, comes to tell them that their kid has bullied someone.. "No our little *add name here* wouldn't do that".. Yes he/she would, why would teacher tell you a lie for fuck's sake.. The bullying usually comes from home, bad relation in family, parents that doesn't care what their kids do, and stuff like that. Parents can prevent bullying, by talking to their kids, being with them, and doing stuff with them.

I can say from experience, bullying gives marks, that will never go away... I was bullied for 10 years in school (from 1st grade to 1st year of high school), pretty much daily, and now I have had depression for 11 years.. I know bullying can't be stopped wholy, that will never happen, BUT that doesn't mean you can't decrease it. But that won't happen if teachers and parents don't intervene. If you leave it to kids themselves to make peace and stop, it will NEVER happen. How many young-age suicides we need to see, before you adults can see it? Bullying isn't playing, but adults seem to see it like that: "They are just being kids" or "it's part of childhood"... It shouldn't be! No one should be bullied, and no one should bully.

Also, not leaving out the otherside, which is the bullies. They often have problems of their own, which show up by bullying others. You also have to remember, to ask them why they do it, and try to help them. Bad life leads to bullying.

If YOU, who are reading this text, are a bully, go apologize the people who you have bullied, and if you bully because you have your own problems, go seek help. If YOU are bullied, stay strong, and don't let yourself be kicked down totally, keep your friends close, we all have some. And if you are getting depressed, go seek for help as soon as possible. Earlier you go for help, earlier you will get it, and earlier you will get out of depression. I had depression for 10 years before I went for help. Don't do the same mistake.


I throw the ball to adults, parents and teachers! YOU have the power to decrease it, or even stop it! USE your time!

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Me & Alcohol

I have been asked about reasons why I don't drink alcohol, so here it is.

As some of you might know, I'm a non-drinker, I don't drink alcohol. Why should I? To get hangovers, to get into fights, to don't remember what I've done? After spending New Year at center of Tampere, I saw once again why I chose to not drink: because there's many young people, barely standing up, talking about something random, and forgetting everything. What is use of that? I don't get it. 

You can call me weird all that you want, I pretty much am weird, being non-drinker at age of 21 in Finland, where every big holiday seems to only be a reason to get drunk. I don't really care if you drink or not, but you don't have to try to make me drink; I won't, no matter how much you push me, and also, why should you push me to drink? What do you lose if I don't drink? 

I can also say that some things in the past might have something to do with my decision, but I won't open them up here, you may ask elsewhere. 

My decision to not drink shouldn't matter to anyone in here. I am not against drinking, although I don't get the reason of getting overly drunk, because I don't get what you people get from that, being in unconscious state, and forgetting everything afterwards. I haven't lost anything in my life because of not drinking, and I won't lose anything. If you have problem with me not drinking, then you have; I won't change because of anyone else.

I have no reason to drink, and you have no reason to have a problem with that. I don't like overly drunk people, because I, and even them themselves, don't know what they might do. If you have anything else you want to know, just ask, you'll find me on social media.