"I'm back..."

I have been trying to move forward in life, but I think I tried too hard for too long to just do it myself. So... now I'm back on anti-depressants. I never wanted to say it, I never wanted to see it, but I have to think about myself again. The depression never went anyway, that's just a fact. I just wanted to hide it. 

People who really know me, probably has seen it all the time. I'm not fine, and I haven't been fine. Technically my life has gone forward, I'm starting new studies, and altho it seems like a step backwards, because it's same line of studies I started 8 years ago, this time I will go through it. 

My evenings and nights are tough. Too much time to think, and the thoughts aren't always that good. The new school has been stressful, as for me every situation I have to contact new people is. Also the studies are mostly groupwork-related, so the stress probably will stay there. I'm bad at making friends online, and it's even worse IRL. The COVID situation of course also affects the studies, lots of remote studies, although they are trying to do as much of contact study as possible. 

One other thing I've noticed (again) in new school, is the fact that I am really massive introvert. I am tired after schooldays, but then again, I don't mind playing together with people even after those. That might also just be because it makes me forget my thoughts. But that also brings a problem: I'm trying to hide my thoughts on games, which leads often to me just getting even deeper in my thoughts, because I don't get gaming company. That also goes with the problem I have with new people. I like playing games with "familiar faces", and that group isn't really too big, so finding play buddies is hard. The games people play now also aren't "my games"; Among Us is the main game to play with friends, and I wouldn't care less about it. That's of course my problem, and so is everything else in this post.

So far, so good; I'm again trying to fix my head, will see how it goes. Therapy might start at start of next year, at earliest, if I feel like I want it. Right now that might be the way to go, because in all honestly, I've been depressed for almost 17 years now, more or less. It has never really gone away, because I've been hiding it with my best effort. People close to me see it through me, but I haven't really wanted to do anything about it. I don't like being sad, I don't like being powerless, I don't like being unproductive. But because I am powerless and unproductive, I can't be arsed to do anything about it. The reason I now went for doctor on my mental health, was the fact I needed medical certificate about it, to get my finances to line. Probably if that wasn't the case, I would have never gone for it. It had been 4 years since last time I went for doctor on mental health stuff, and it's not really a short time. It's been 4 years of trying to act like I was getting better, thinking that I can get back up. 

But I'm weak. Or maybe I have just tried to be strong for way too long. Life is going on, and even though it might be tough on my head. Mental health issues leads to other problems too, and I can't afford them. I had blood tests today, I think mainly to test for hypothyroidism. I can't remember if I even have been tested for that before, even though that is pretty normal tests alongside depression. Will see how they come back. It might be a relief if they come back positive for hypothyroidism, because that gives at least one answer. 

But before this post gets too long, I just want to say (again) that I am thankful for all my friends I've made over the years, and even tho I have very few people I talk with daily, I know there are plentyful of people who actually care. I don't see it too often, and my deep thoughts get me to feel like there isn't anyone, but genuinely, I know there are. I can't get myself to contact anyone, and therefore people also rarely contact me. Thank you, all of you! I know you are there, I just need to get myself up to talk to you people again. 

Blogpost without a title, nor any sense

If only I could be more social; if only I could actually believe that anyone cared about me; if only... I've been writing this blog post in my head for months now. My life is starting to be a mess, and it's all just because of me. I have no one nor nothing else to blame. My social skills are bad, I can't get myself to start conversations with anyone, and I'm losing everyone because of that. I'm starting to slowly but surely seclude myself, and my only times outside my house are walks with Nasu; and even those are rare and short moments, because of the heat right now. 

This stuff also affects my school entrance exams... I mean, the exams are going decent, but I'm still not sure if I even want to go back to studies... Of course I want to get some degree, so I might actually at some point in my life get to work life, but then again, my social awkwardness is just so bad, that I'm just constantly telling myself, that I might not have the studying in me. I'm constantly feeling that I will fail the studies, again. I've been there before, I have been a student for a long time already. 

What am I doing to myself? I'm losing all social contacts, slowly. I don't play with anyone anymore, I'm doing some stupid stuff at my computer alone all day, every day. Who am I kidding saying that I would ever become anything? Everything in life needs social skills; I'm turning 27, and I still have 0 social skills. And honestly, what's the point anyway. I can't do anything useful anyway. 

People make it look so easy, having fun with friends. Even having friends is hard for me, and doing something with them is even harder. Everytime I see someone, it's so socially awkward, that it really hurts me. I have been living alone most of the last 10 months, so I've really been pretty much alone with my thoughts, and Nasu. This spring and summer has just been mentally tough. I resigned from my last work last autumn, and I've been unemployed ever since. Hard to find a job at this time, and also because I have no useful skills nor experience at any field of work. Not like I really had any skills what-so-ever. I was in mental rehab, again, but the way it was designed didn't really go well with the coronavirus limitations. 

I'm not fine, I haven't really been fine for years; I've tried to act like I am, because I don't want to accept that I'm not. It's not like I never really was fine. I'm lonely, even when around people, because I'm just bad socially. And the few times I actually end up in conversations with anyone, they tend to end as quickly as they began, because I can't keep the convo up. I'd love to have at least some social skills, but I don't, because I dislike myself, my self esteem is non-existant. I haven't achieved anything in my life, I probably never will if this continues the way it has. 

I've gone through two mental rehabs, neither of them really has helped myself, I can accept it now. They have been good to have some content in life, but that's about it. I'm mentally in a very bad place, and I just have to admit it. I don't know what I want in my life, I don't know what I see in my future, I don't know what I want for my future. I have never known. No passion in anything useful, or anything useless tbh. I need that heureka moment, rather sooner than later. I'm running out of time for figuring out what I really want. I mean, age is but a number, but there's no lying about the fact, that I've spent a big junk of my life without even a trace of any goals, or anything. 

I'm a failure

I used to be good at school, until high school. Although I still managed to pass matriculation examination, and get to University with the papers, I didn't really do that well in high school, when thinking how good I actually was before that in school. And probably most of you know what happened in Uni. I failed it. I was present at University for 6 or 7 years, until studying time ended. I studied study credits for maybe 1½ years. Why? Because I could never get into studying, because I have no passion to anything, I had no reason to go to lectures, and I had no friends, mainly because I never fit in. I never fit into any group. 

I can't do anything I try to do:
   - studying? Failed because no passion, hence no motivation. 

   - working? Was in a job for a year, got fired, because I never learned the job. Made dozens of job applications, got answers from maybe 5, four no's, and one call with "we'll call again later", which ended up as an empty hope. 

   - hobbies? Floorball as a kid, had passion, but not enough to really learn the sport. Still would love to play it, because it's a great sport. Video games? I'm a social player, but I'm bad at being social. I'm also bad at online games, and I'd love to be better, but again, not passionate enough to really put effort. 

   - friends? I have online friends, they mean the world to me, but I keep losing friends, because I can't be social or keep in contact. Also somehow people tend to not like me in a long run. I never hear it from anyone, because I keep getting told I'm such a good friend, but I don't know what to really trust. 

I really wish I was something else than socially awkward nerd, who can't get anything done. But at the moment, depression is starting to get back into my life, because I really just... can't... I'm not fine. Maybe if I was fine, I wouldn't be mad at my dog every walk we have. Maybe I would actually have energy to cook myself even 3 times a week. Maybe I would actually be a student or have a job, if I actually was fine. Maybe I didn't cry once a day because I couldn't get even the simplest of tasks done. Maybe I could actually contact the important people in my life without fearing that I'll fail that too. I'm lost, again. I just don't want to accept it...

That's why I bang my head against the wall
'Cause I don't like myself at all,
Wish that I could cut all the ties
And now my life is such a tragedy
'Cause I'm my biggest enemy,
I can't look myself in the eyes
It's I against me

~Anna Blue - I Against Me