Monday, November 30, 2015

Am I too generous?

Being generous is part of my nature, I like to give to others, and I love to see others smile of something I did or gave to them. But one thing behind it, is the fact that I just hope to see someone do something to me. I have very few people, my gf and my family, who really do that every now and then.

I just had my birthday, and I can just say, I'm so thankful for my GF; if it wasn't for her, my birthday would have been worst day of my life. Yes, I got gongratulations online... messages, some empty, some more loving. I just got this feeling that there's really few people who really care. I get ignored everywhere I go, unintentionally or not, it hurts. I've been loner for almost my whole life, and when I got online, I finally felt like I belonged in a group. That is slowly going away. I feel like I'm just that one generous dude that gives to others, but that no one really cares. I'm the one who does stuff for others, but rarely gets asked how my life is going.

And to answer to that last one, my life is going kind of good, but my stress levels are getting high, I have no motivation to anything... I have no motivation to life, to be honest. My life is full of paperwork, trying to get enough documents to social service, to get income to live my life. I'm getting sick and tired of that, but because of the fact that I'm unmotivated, that's only thing I really can do. I'm not willing to get my ass up to get job, not that there was any jobs for me anyway; being uneducated, depressed and without any contacts. I know, I should get myself up and "demand" jobs, but I'm not that kind of person. I'm not person who demands anything of anyone, I'm the one who silently grieves when nothing gets done, but never says it aloud.

Yay, christmas is coming... Ok, I'm not even that excited. Christmas is great time; I get together with my family, but I just know, it'll be empty feelings after that; as it is before. I have my family, and I have my GF; that's all I have, at least that's in my mind. I know in my heart that there's people who care, but because I don't see it, I can't really feel it. My birthday was great, I got money to buy stuff I want, and my GF got me gifts I wanted, but for some reason, I waited for more, and got disappointed. I got so many "empty" Happy birthday -messages, that they just filled my head. I know for some that's all they can do, but still, I just assumed more. I got one phone call from one of my closest friends, at midnight, but I didn't answer, because my phone was silent. Apart from that, my mom called me, and I got money gift. I'm just grateful my girlfriend was here. She cares, and she shows it.

I know some of you can now think I'm greedy, I just want stuff, I just want gifts, I just want YOU to buy me things. No, it's not that; I assumed so, because I'm overly generous myself. I can't stop giving you, and I just think you are same as me. I know it's not like that. I uncontrollably cried for over an hour last night, just because of all stress coming up, and thoughts of being alone; thoughts of my past, and thoughts of "what if". The thoughts of "without my GF, I would have no one". And to be honest, without my girlfriend, I wouldn't have gone this far. I wouldn't probably be here anymore without her.

All of you who even try to show me you care, thank you. You were my world two years ago; and you are still big part of my life. I don't live for myself, I live for you! I live because I want to see you smile for more, because I want your smile to brighten up my life.