I'm not suicidal, but...

I'm in a dark place… Darker than in a long time. And I really can't blame no one else but me. Everything that makes me feel bad about myself and about life, is all my own fault. I have no money, because I can't get myself to do anything clever with my life. I have no IRL friends because my social anxiety stops me from going anywhere. I have no will to live, because I can't see any reason to live in here. 

I don't wanna die, I don't wanna harm myself, but I don't want to live. Or maybe more than that, I want a reset button for my life. My life is list of failures, albeit I got to university twice, I have also failed it twice now, or am close to failing it the second time at least. 

When it comes to using money, I am bad with it, I can't lie about it. I use more money than I have, because everything that makes me feel even a bit happier, costs money, and because of my life situation, I have no income, so where is that money coming from? 

LanTrek tickets are coming available today. Won't be buying them for a while though, but I will be there, no matter what. That's the one thing I can say for certain for my future. I will be there, if I am alive and physically healthy. That will be the one happening, that I have chance to see my most important friends, assuming that they will be there of course. 

When it comes to mental health, I now do have psychotherapist, so it might be moving forward to better, but I can't keep myself from doubting that it's too late. I am in too deep. I… Yeah. 

Christmas is coming, so happy holidays to everyone who celebrates it. I will be in Lapland with family, so might not be in social media that much. Hope you all have great time with family and/or friends, or whoever you are celebrating Christmas with. 

Also, thank you to all of you who have been with me through all these years. The people who actually have tolerated my bad moods, and been there for me. There aren't a lot of you, but I just want you to know, I really appreciate you all. Without you, I'd probably be in worse place already. You keep me sane, at least somewhat. 

Why even try?

 I don't know...

When you think everyday about just giving up, at least about studies, you can't just let it go. I have lost all motivation to study, and even though the topics might be somewhat interesting for me, I just can't get arsed to study. I skip lectures, skip homework, and even though I know it will only bite myself in the ass later, I can't be arsed. I am mad at myself on daily basis, because of the fact that I'm "just lazy". I know that's not the case, since I do have diagnosed mental health problems, but I can't stop myself for thinking that I just use those as an excuse to not do anything...

The fact is, I would love to have some job, but for some reason, I can't get myself to concentrate on studies, to maybe some day get a job. I cry at least every other night, for basically no reason, or just because of thinking what a failure my whole life has been. I just can't seem to get anything right. As I'm writing this, I am again in a low point, and I should be doing some stuff for school. Instead I'm just crying my eyes out, because I can't do that. 

I can't give up on studies anymore; it's already my "second round" at this level of studies. I can't just give up, and try again later. There's no later for me soon. I am already closing in to 30 years, and I have done basically nothing with my life. 

I am depressed, and I think it's on worse level than it has been for a long time. Since I am not suicidal, no one can see that but me. I also have symptoms of ADD, which has never been diagnosed, because it never comes up as topic when talking with psychiatrists, because the depression is so major. My depression is stopping me from enjoying anything right now. I'm just "surviving life". I can't get arsed to cook for myself, I can't get arsed to study, I can't get arsed to keep my house even relatively clean. 

I should be proud of myself for being able to get myself up and do all work hours I was asked to as volunteer for EuroVolley, but then again, I honestly went there just for free food, and to watch the games. Since the volunteer work was relatively badly instructed, and there wasn't clear stuff needed to be done, I pretty much just watched the games when in there. But, to be honest, at least I got my ass up and went there. It's something I guess. 

I have promised myself to not give up anymore, but right now, I don't know if I can keep that promise...

I'm sorry that I let you down. Again. 

Bloody Ironic

Update 1: I was diagnosed some time back with hemochromatosis, which in all-day words means that I have too much iron in my blood. It is being treated by going regularly to give half a litre of blood away in a blood-letting, until the iron volume in blood is low enough. After that it'll probably be treated by giving blood twice a year or so. This is nothing major, so no need to worry about that, and its usual symptoms are pretty much being tired and stuff like that. The hard thing is to be clear if the tiredness is about this disease or the mental side. 

Going to the mental side of things, I am not doing well, I can't lie about it. I cry daily, with or without a reason. Also taking care of my own life is not going well. I do stuff only if it's a must, not before. My motivation is low on living, not to talk about studies. I like my studies, but I just can't get motivated to learn. I am on medication for depression, so it's something, but because my own health institute changed on new year, I haven't yet contacted the new ones, so I have no therapy relation to anywhere for now. Everything is hard. 

When it comes to my social life, at least studies is mostly done in groups, so there's something in that. They are 100% distant studies, but that's nothing we can do anything about for now. Outside of that, I pretty much have nothing. There are a few stream communities I am in, but I don't feel like I really am in them. Video games has been a way to ease my mental health, because it makes me forget, but I tend to not like to play games alone. Multiplayer games have stopped pretty much altogether because of scheduling issues, or just the plain fact, that I am toxic company, when it comes to some games. I can admit, that I get mad very easily, when I do bad in games like CS:GO, but that's mainly because I play games to feel that I can actually do something. When I do bad, I really get mad at myself, and it comes out as being toxic to people, who troll/cheat, or even if they don't. Nowadays, I just sit on computer watching TV shows on Disney+ or Netflix, and... Not doing anything or just playing to waste time. 

"I miss my friends, but I still don't text them, because I just think I'll annoy them, but that's only because I really annoy myself."

I also need a hug. I need someone to come tell me, that I am not ok, and that's ok. I need to hear it from someone else, to really admit it to myself right now. I know I am not fine, but I don't want to admit it. 

New year, old me

 Year 2021 is here, good bye to 2020... Not like it really would matter too much for now. 2020 was harsh on me, and I guess 2021, at least first half of it, won't be any easier. I thought before COVID striked big, that it wouldn't really affect me, because I never go out anyway. Well, how I was wrong. Studies get harder on me, because the reason I decided to try same line of study again, but in different school, was that the school was supposed to be more schedule-based, and teacher-oriented. Now I'm already seeing same problems I had in University when I started there 8 years ago. Another thing that COVID heavily affected on me, was the cancelling of all the events. The only times I had to see my closest online friends, who at the same time are my closest friends. 

Today it has been 7 years since the first LAN party I went to with online friends. At that time, I was struggling heavily with my mental health, and those happenings were only times I really got out of those thoughts. Right now, my mental health is again going heavily downhill, and I am very unstable mentally, which leads to me not wanting to talk to people, because I might snap at any moment, and I can't afford losing any of my dearest friends, I've lost enough of them in the past. This spring period will be very hard studies-wise, but I will try my best to get through it, at least pass everything. But at the same time, I have to remember to stop and think about my own health too, if I really start to go down. I can't wait until it's too late, I did that already once in my life. 

COVID hit me harder than I could have ever guessed, being so much of an "online person". My social life is online, almost wholy, but the problem is, I can't seem to get myself to keep socializing with even the closest and dearest friends anymore. That's why I need the face-to-face meet-up opportunities from time to time, which are all gone because of COVID now. Hopefully before or after summer, the situation would be at least somewhat normalized, because after all, my friends are my biggest resource of mental health. And I need that physical connection to get most out of it. 

I'm not the person to hang out with, and even less I am a person who would ask people to meet up with me. I am very socially awkward, even with friends, and if there's not something we can do together, it will be very hard on me very quickly. That's main reason why LAN parties have saved me for many years in past. I am not the friend to go "get some beers" or "go to café" with, because I'm not really a talker. I open up to people, sure, but it takes time. 

I just hope, I will get to see people again this year, and at least there are some meet-ups already been scheduled. I try to get through the study period too, but I need to remember myself too. I am not ok, and I have to just accept that again. Because in the end, my mental health can't get better, if I don't do something about it.