Why even try?

 I don't know...

When you think everyday about just giving up, at least about studies, you can't just let it go. I have lost all motivation to study, and even though the topics might be somewhat interesting for me, I just can't get arsed to study. I skip lectures, skip homework, and even though I know it will only bite myself in the ass later, I can't be arsed. I am mad at myself on daily basis, because of the fact that I'm "just lazy". I know that's not the case, since I do have diagnosed mental health problems, but I can't stop myself for thinking that I just use those as an excuse to not do anything...

The fact is, I would love to have some job, but for some reason, I can't get myself to concentrate on studies, to maybe some day get a job. I cry at least every other night, for basically no reason, or just because of thinking what a failure my whole life has been. I just can't seem to get anything right. As I'm writing this, I am again in a low point, and I should be doing some stuff for school. Instead I'm just crying my eyes out, because I can't do that. 

I can't give up on studies anymore; it's already my "second round" at this level of studies. I can't just give up, and try again later. There's no later for me soon. I am already closing in to 30 years, and I have done basically nothing with my life. 

I am depressed, and I think it's on worse level than it has been for a long time. Since I am not suicidal, no one can see that but me. I also have symptoms of ADD, which has never been diagnosed, because it never comes up as topic when talking with psychiatrists, because the depression is so major. My depression is stopping me from enjoying anything right now. I'm just "surviving life". I can't get arsed to cook for myself, I can't get arsed to study, I can't get arsed to keep my house even relatively clean. 

I should be proud of myself for being able to get myself up and do all work hours I was asked to as volunteer for EuroVolley, but then again, I honestly went there just for free food, and to watch the games. Since the volunteer work was relatively badly instructed, and there wasn't clear stuff needed to be done, I pretty much just watched the games when in there. But, to be honest, at least I got my ass up and went there. It's something I guess. 

I have promised myself to not give up anymore, but right now, I don't know if I can keep that promise...

I'm sorry that I let you down. Again.