Sunday, October 25, 2015

'If I am real'

I have 2 people who really seem to give a shit about me: my gf and my mom. I have no one else.. Or at least that's how it mostly seems.. I have no IRL friends, and the way I see things I won't for a long while.. I'm not outgoing, I'm most boring conversation partner; I'm a boring person. I get nothing done, I have no motivation in life, mostly because I have only few people close enough.. I see posts about people having fun with friends, and every time I want to be one of them.. I just can't do it.

Some of you might think my life is perfect, because of loving girlfriend, that's also what I thought a while ago, but it has changed... I can now see, I need more people in my life. I do have people I care about, a lot of them, but mostly it seems it's a one-way deal. No one asks me how I am, no one cares.. I get ignored a lot online, I just get by-passed.. And a few I have tried to help, doesn't seem to always notice my help, or at least it doesn't seem to affect.. It makes me feel like I'm just air from time to time.

A song by Finnish artist Sanni called "Jos mä oon oikee" (If I am real) got me thinking about stuff. The chorus roughly translated: "If I am real, why people walk through me? If I am real, why I don't even remember my name? If I am real, why mirror doesn't reflect me anymore? If I am real, why I don't even remember my name?" That goes deep into my thoughts. I'm just a see-through.

I care about all of you people, whether or not you care me back. I know I don't contact many of you either, and that's because I don't know what to say. I know lot of you have same problem, with me, or with other people. I try to command myself and you to open mouth if you feel like it. WE CAN DO IT!

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

What if...


What if I'm doing this wrong? What if I am making total fool of myself?

I am afraid of doing something wrong, big time. That's one thing that stops me at many things; applying for job, talking to people, even doing some household chores. I just can't get my mind off from "what if"-thoughts of everything that can go wrong. I am never first one to go do something, I am follower. I can't do anything, if someone else haven't done it before me.

Everybody makes mistakes, I know that, but somehow it doesn't help me off my fear. My life gets harder every single day, because I can't get myself doing anything I would have to do. If I might do something wrong about something, I won't do it at all, in fear of doing it wrong. That's why I can't just go to stores or workplaces to ask if they have job available, because I might be asking wrong person, or I shouldn't just do it that way.

I don't know if this "fear" is caused by being bullied in the past, but that might be one cause. Other can just be my nature. I'm people pleaser, in big way. I want to make everyone around me happy, and I don't want to harm anyone. That is something I see good about me, but it's also bad at times. Too much is too much, as in everything.