Loneliness inside

The feeling of loneliness, when it's not by choice, is one of the saddest feelings there is. At least for me. I am alone most times, and sometimes I'm ok with it, but sometimes, like now when I'm writing this post, it's unbearable. 

Everyone who knows me, knows that my intentions are always keeping everyone happy, but in the same time, I'm really feeling lonely. I'm not starting to beg, but sometimes I just can't stop thinking about the fact, why I don't get any response to it. When I see someone feeling down, I'll atleast try to help them get happier, because seeing sad people is sadder than being sad myself. Sometimes I feel like I never get that same thing back. I have almost no people talking to me, without starting to talk to them. Because of that, I sometimes, or my brain sometimes start to put thoughts to my head: "What have I done wrong? Does anybody care about me?" 

When at the same time I am person, who needs alone time, I also need company. This steps in, when I see lots of other people posting somewhere how happy they are, having fun with friends. Yes, I'm happy for everyone who are happy, it makes me happy to see people happy, but in the background, I feel like I'm only one who doesn't have anyone to have fun with. Gaming-wise, this partly is "own choice", because I don't play the most popular games, so I don't have many games to play with friends. While people might think, why I don't start playing the popular games; the thing for me is, that even good company won't make in my mind shitty games better. I won't play games just for company, so yes, my loneliness is partly my choice. I sometimes "hate" myself for thinking like this, but that's just who I am, and I won't change that. 

Also, going to "real life" meet-ups, LANs and other meetings with people, I have noticed that also with people around, I feel lonely. I am alone in company, because I am partly outsider, in every group. This is partly results from my background of being bullied. I doubt myself, my self-esteem is down, and I overthink what other people think about me, simultaneously lying to myself that I'm bad person.

My patience is running out

I am normally very patient person, about anything, but right now, I'm starting to lose my patience on my life. I've gone very little bit forward in my life in last 2 years. I've done my civil service, and I've found myself a loving GF. Other than that, my life is running in place.

I've been raised to believe in fate; everything happens for a reason; but sometimes I just wish I knew the reason. There's too much waiting for stuff, that I can't do anything about. I can't be patient for long, if at same time I'm unaware of almost everything. I can't stay patient even about getting myself healthy and able to study or work, while at the same time society pressures me to do all kinds of decisions, and to try to handle all shit that I really just can't. Stress levels cause shitty sleep schedule, and overthinking everything. Lately my brain also has started to think, how many people really do care. I am lonely, even when in company. I noticed that yesterday when I was celebrating Mother's Day with relatives. I thought I might have a good day, but I ended up just laying in couch, trying to stop myself from crying, while at the same time there were people around me all the time.

That's my life. I'm lonely almost all the time; only exceptions being the times when I'm with my GF or with my friends, which I can't see that often. And online, I feel even lonelier day by day. I have only few people who come talk to me regularly. I can't start conversations myself, because I fear that they will end awkwardly. And because barely anyone comes to talk to me, my brain starts thinking that no one really cares. I know there's people who do, but my brain doesn't.

I will have big decisions to make right now. I have to somehow be able to decide whether I move to my parents for summer, or if I stay in Tampere, or if I move to Kouvola. I will move to Kouvola after summer at latest, if everything goes as it seems right now, but what do I do over summer, is still a blur. And I can't clarify it by myself, I have to wait for decisions from KELA, and my psychiatrist. I still need that someone in my life, at least for every week, to see, to have contact with, but at this moment, I can't do anything about it.

There are people amongst you who saved my life earlier. I know you will be there for me, if I need you, but I just can't get myself to start asking for help, because I can't put my thoughts into words. I know I will be allright, but it will take time, and I most probably can't do it by myself. My patience is running out, I won't last for long.

This thing I call life

My life... let's say it straight, is not good at the moment. Main thing is the fact that I can't do anything with it. I am going through depression, and it's getting worse again. Even though I have a loving GF, and many friends online, I still am lonely most of the time, and also, I'm not doing anything atm. I know some of you will come and tell me to do something with it, but it's not that easy. Depression is a disease, I would like to get it out of my life, but it doesn't happen in a blink of an eye. One thing that doesn't help with my depression is amount of stress I'm getting, mainly because of economical issues. I have no income at the moment, because of waiting time on sickness benefit. I am on sick leave for 66 days, and there's waiting time of 55 days on sickness benefit. There's just no logic. How the hell do they think I can even have any power to try to fix all this shit I have to figure out to even get money for living? The amount of stress society gives me doesn't help me at all while I'm trying to cure my depression.

I have got told by people to get myself a job. If you have audacity to tell me that, you should at least find out some facts first. There's 10.3% unemployment rate in Finland as of March this year. On 15-24 year olds (the age group I'm in), the same figure is 27.7%. It's not that easy to find a job to do. I am happy for you if you have got yourself a job easily, but you have no need to come tell me to get a job. If I could, I would. Also, for further information, there's not many employers giving jobs to people on sick leave, and also depressed people aren't the easiest employees most of the time (not always). Also, for me personally, another big thing making getting a job difficult, is the fact that I have no degree, apart from graduating from high school. Even professionals can't find jobs these days, how do you think a person with no degrees would get them any easier?

You can come tell me I am lazy, and I won't even blame you for it. I am lazy from time to time, mostly because of depression, partly because of my nature. But the situation I'm in isn't caused by laziness. It's caused by series of things from the past, leading to the depression.

At this moment, I'll have big decisions to make, but I can't make any plans to anywhere, because I'm waiting for progression on all the shit I can't affect. I will move probably before summer, but at this point, I can't say 100% sure if I will move back to my parents' or closer to my GF. I will have year-off from studies, and therefore I also have to figure out where and how I will get an income. But for now, the main thing I have to think about, is getting my own situation to improve. It will improve at some point, I know that, I can make it happen, but it won't be easy, and it won't be quick.

Also, I have to use this (again) to thank all the people that have been there for me lately. There isn't many people talking to me, and every single word you say to me, helps me. I am happy for everyone who have come to talk to me, at least said "hi". Don't be afraid to come talk to me; if I don't feel like talking, I will tell it straight away. YOU people are my fuel. YOU are the reason why I'm still breathing.