tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29573825863974863852024-03-05T16:43:35.305+02:00My squiwwely lifeSquirrels can't fly, I can't fly, therefore I'm a squirrel.Owavahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11372380234612020061noreply@blogger.comBlogger48125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2957382586397486385.post-1557519818897096872023-03-17T18:50:00.002+02:002023-03-17T19:05:04.335+02:00I need a hug<p>Mediocre depression, social phobia, social anxiety… That's just some of the diagnoses I have. I could even currently say, my depression could be severe. I get actually nothing done at home. I can do the work shifts fine, and after that I get absolutely nothing done. </p><p>I'm done acting like I would be better, I am not. I am going quickly downhill on this spiral, day after day. Alone at home everyday, and no energy to even try to do something about it. There is also very much less social life online too than before, but that's also something I have no one else but myself to blame, because there really is just no energy to try to be social. It also goes together with the social anxiety part; scared to talk to people, scared of saying something wrong, scared of losing them… and in the process losing them all because of not saying anything. </p><p>Another thing in the loneliness is that, even though I like being alone, introvert and all, my love language is physical touch, and same goes with the platonic love too, so between friends. I'm bad at talking, I'm bad at keeping touch, I just want a hug. I want someone to just be, even quiet, close to me. It's not like the great online friends I do have would be meaningless, but they can't compensate it all. </p><p>But again, to that too, it comes together with social phobia and anxiety... I don't go out, I don't go to places, I don't like going out to meet people... It's all a big conflict in my brain; I want to be more social, I want physical touch, I want to be close to people, but also I'm "scared" to go out to do any of that. In work mode I am fine. I work currently as robot vehicle safety operator, so I have contact with customers almost daily, and that's fine, it's work. I can switch to the work mode. But when I switch off from it, I can't do anything social. I am scared of being judged, I am scared of doing something wrong... And at times, I am anxious of people around me. </p><p>I keep telling myself, that getting steady financial status (getting work) would help me with my life, but I got a feeling it won't. It will help somewhat for sure, but it won't fix the bigger picture. Also, some of the people online could think I am not any of these things I say, because my online persona is very different, because it's easier to be myself online than offline. Online I could say pretty much anything, obviously as a people pleaser though trying to not make anyone mad or sad, but offline, I will just go with what everyone else says. </p><p>Love life? Yeah it isn't there. I can say I have crushes, I get crushes easily and quickly, but I will next to never act on them, because "I'm not good enough anyway". This is something I rarely talk about publically. I keep getting told how great person I am, how great friend I am, how someone would be lucky to know me; but none of that really shows. </p><p>TLDR; to this blog: I NEED A HUG. </p>Owavahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11372380234612020061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2957382586397486385.post-6632294303774097522022-07-25T18:43:00.001+03:002022-07-25T18:43:11.203+03:00I am too kind<p>I have lately noticed, how much people have abused my kindness in the past. The fact that it's hard for me to say no, and I much rather just accept everything, is easy thing to be abused, but it's painful to understand it afterwards. My kindness comes from the fact, that I put everyone else before myself. So if someone asks me to do something, I will most likely say yes, to make them happy, no matter how bad it might make me feel. It also saves me from conflicts and arguments with other people, because I am a "yes man". Kindness is a trait that I actually like about myself, but too much is too much in this as well. You can be too kind, to the level that it hurts yourself more than it helps others. </p><p>Along with this, I absolutely hate conflicts around me. Even a small argument about something absolutely meaningless, will drain my mental stamina to zero in no time. This I noticed when road tripping with family last two weeks. Smallest of things causing my head to burst, and my "fight or flight" instinct kicks in... And there isn't really "fight" in that instinct on me. I just want to get out. If people are fighting or arguing around me, I will close myself out of the place mentally, almost instantly. But then there comes the overthinking: "Should I do something about this?", "Is there anything I can do to help this?", "Did I cause this?"... Usually the answer is "no", but my brain doesn't find it quickly. </p><p><br /></p><p>Another update on my current situation; my mental health is going down at the moment. I am deep down most of the nights, even with ongoing therapy. I am probably ending my studies (again), and trying to get myself into some work... If only any employee would hire a uneducated man with almost no work experience. But will see how that goes in not too long time, hopefully. I was volunteering at IIHF World Champs, as a "chauffeur", and it was fun, and I could see that as a career, but then came the diagnose of sleep apnea, that put my professional driver career hopes at least on pause. I will get treatment gear in little over a month for that, and I hope I will have big positive effects from that, that might also help my mental health, and get myself to do more stuff on daily basis. </p><p>I will be continuing volunteering at Assembly Summer in under two weeks, but that is a thing that is "scaring" me a bit... Mainly because I have no idea what I will do there, and my own head keeps telling me, that whatever it is, I will fail it. I have been arguing with my brain telling me to not go at all, but then again I can see the fact that it might be very nice experience too. And as Assembly events are only places I actually see most of my friends on yearly basis, I don't want to miss it... And if I don't go as a volunteer, my current money situation won't let me go at all. </p><p><br /></p><p>Nonetheless, I will do my best to survive this downfall again; I did it in the past already. I'm hitting new lows, and lately been thinking about "How long it would take until someone would notice, if I just disappeared completely?"... And the answer my own brain gives, is years. </p><p>But, to end on happier note, if anyone reading this notices me at Assembly, feel free to say hi. I am socially awkward, so I might not be fluent to start conversation, but I will at least say hi, and give a hug if you want one. I still love you all, even if my brain tells me no one loves me! <3</p>Owavahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11372380234612020061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2957382586397486385.post-74784980375854008952022-04-10T13:10:00.001+03:002022-04-10T13:10:16.019+03:00Random update I guess<p>What is the meaning of living? I wish I knew. At the moment life feels pointless. Nothing seems to give me the happiness, not even the stuff that used to give it back in the days. I visited Assembly Winter last weekend, just to see friends. It was something, and I noticed there are actually people who still care about my existence. It just took that event to notice it. And the fact that there hasn't been any events for 2 years... Yeah, it shows. These events are the places where I can actually notice that even though I am as socially awkward as I am, some people still appreciate my company. Thank you for that. </p><p>My social anxiety is stopping me from doing anything social, although those seem to be only things that give me even some joy. And because I'm too "scared" to talk to anyone, and it's rare anyone talks to me (there are still some of you, so thank you), my brain turns it to everyone hating me. Also the fact that I hate myself, doesn't really help. </p><p>Therapy is still ongoing, but still every now and then I think if I get all out of it I could get, mainly because I don't really know what I really want from it. Because I can't see anything in my future, so I don't know what to aim for. So maybe the aim is to find what to aim for I guess. </p><p>I am on sick leave now, officially, but I am job hunting, because financial stability would be nice. And also something to do. Yes, I could continue studies, it would be "something to do", but I don't have motivation for it right now. For jobs, I can't know if I have motivation and stamina for that either, but I would want to try. </p><p>My biggest problem is right now the fact, that I get nothing essential done.. Home is a mess, my eating habits are a mess... My brain is a mess. I spent days just thinking what I should be doing, and doing nothing in the process. Video games, sure, are still there, but they don't give me the same happiness they used to. Watching streams, sure, there are still some communities I like to be in. I have lost interest in lot of streams and communities in past year, and I think that's normal, but the fact how important they have been to me, leaving them isn't something I really would want to do. </p><p>People are only reason I live, since I really can't see anything in my own future still. Maybe someday. </p><p>See you at Assembly Summer in August, because I know myself and I know I can't get myself to meet anyone before that anyways. I need something to do to be even a bit less anxious in social situations, so meeting just to have small talk, with no plans, is not for me. Still somewhat thinking if I could go to Assembly Summer with a computer place, but don't know about finances, or logistics, of that. </p><p>I can also see I lost all plot of this blog post somewhere in there, but honestly, I use this blog just to vent and empty my thoughts for a while, so that's understandable I guess. If someone reads these, it's just a plus, not a necessity. </p>Owavahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11372380234612020061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2957382586397486385.post-37437083075276185292022-02-22T22:10:00.000+02:002022-02-22T22:10:58.134+02:00Me & Video Games & Mental Health<p> I have for long played video games just to "turn off my thoughts" for a while, and feel good, or even ok for a while. This is right now just getting harder and harder, and video games don't seem to give me anything anymore. Mainly because I don't feel like I'm good in any games anymore. I spend hours and hours per day just not doing anything (usually means watching true crime or some stupid comedy films for hundredth time). I just don't enjoy games anymore... or anything in that matter. </p><p>I have started therapy for my depression and social anxiety and stuff, but right now I'm just thinking, will it even help me, because I don't know myself what I'm looking for from it. I have no idea what I want, I don't know what I want from my future, or from tomorrow, or from rest of today. I'm just mentally not in a good place. The stuff that gave me some pleasure and happiness earlier, don't seem to give me anything anymore. They are just way to make time go past. </p><p>On social anxiety stand point, I have social anxiety, but I also am dependent on people, meaning that I get mental health from seeing other people, and/or making them happy and stuff like that. That is a mix that will make my mental health worse probably through rest of my life. Covid situation cancelled every event I had to see people I see very rarely anyways, and the fact that I am very awkward in social situations, if there isn't anything to do when meeting people, makes it almost impossible to set up meetings without some events. </p><p>I don't see anything in my future right now. I have no passion on anything, and I need the passion to get any motivation to do anything. I rarely see myself as anything else but a failure, although by many facts, I know that factually it's not true. My mind just doesn't believe that. If you ask me where I see myself in 10 years, I wouldn't know, probably in worst times, the answer would be "in grave". As sad as that sounds, I am not suicidal, I don't wanna die; I just would love to get a reason to be alive. That's the thing I am missing most at the moment. A reason to be here. A WHY. </p>Owavahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11372380234612020061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2957382586397486385.post-85489769413920374302021-12-15T15:04:00.004+02:002021-12-15T15:04:52.418+02:00I'm not suicidal, but...<p>I'm in a dark place… Darker than in a long time. And I really can't blame no one else but me. Everything that makes me feel bad about myself and about life, is all my own fault. I have no money, because I can't get myself to do anything clever with my life. I have no IRL friends because my social anxiety stops me from going anywhere. I have no will to live, because I can't see any reason to live in here. </p><p>I don't wanna die, I don't wanna harm myself, but I don't want to live. Or maybe more than that, I want a reset button for my life. My life is list of failures, albeit I got to university twice, I have also failed it twice now, or am close to failing it the second time at least. </p><p>When it comes to using money, I am bad with it, I can't lie about it. I use more money than I have, because everything that makes me feel even a bit happier, costs money, and because of my life situation, I have no income, so where is that money coming from? </p><p>LanTrek tickets are coming available today. Won't be buying them for a while though, but I will be there, no matter what. That's the one thing I can say for certain for my future. I will be there, if I am alive and physically healthy. That will be the one happening, that I have chance to see my most important friends, assuming that they will be there of course. </p><p>When it comes to mental health, I now do have psychotherapist, so it might be moving forward to better, but I can't keep myself from doubting that it's too late. I am in too deep. I… Yeah. </p><p>Christmas is coming, so happy holidays to everyone who celebrates it. I will be in Lapland with family, so might not be in social media that much. Hope you all have great time with family and/or friends, or whoever you are celebrating Christmas with. </p><p><br /></p><p>Also, thank you to all of you who have been with me through all these years. The people who actually have tolerated my bad moods, and been there for me. There aren't a lot of you, but I just want you to know, I really appreciate you all. Without you, I'd probably be in worse place already. You keep me sane, at least somewhat. </p>Owavahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11372380234612020061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2957382586397486385.post-32723216373713805612021-09-14T11:22:00.000+03:002021-09-14T11:22:17.842+03:00Why even try?<p> I don't know...</p><p><br /></p><p>When you think everyday about just giving up, at least about studies, you can't just let it go. I have lost all motivation to study, and even though the topics might be somewhat interesting for me, I just can't get arsed to study. I skip lectures, skip homework, and even though I know it will only bite myself in the ass later, I can't be arsed. I am mad at myself on daily basis, because of the fact that I'm "just lazy". I know that's not the case, since I do have diagnosed mental health problems, but I can't stop myself for thinking that I just use those as an excuse to not do anything...</p><p>The fact is, I would love to have some job, but for some reason, I can't get myself to concentrate on studies, to maybe some day get a job. I cry at least every other night, for basically no reason, or just because of thinking what a failure my whole life has been. I just can't seem to get anything right. As I'm writing this, I am again in a low point, and I should be doing some stuff for school. Instead I'm just crying my eyes out, because I can't do that. </p><p>I can't give up on studies anymore; it's already my "second round" at this level of studies. I can't just give up, and try again later. There's no later for me soon. I am already closing in to 30 years, and I have done basically nothing with my life. </p><p>I am depressed, and I think it's on worse level than it has been for a long time. Since I am not suicidal, no one can see that but me. I also have symptoms of ADD, which has never been diagnosed, because it never comes up as topic when talking with psychiatrists, because the depression is so major. My depression is stopping me from enjoying anything right now. I'm just "surviving life". I can't get arsed to cook for myself, I can't get arsed to study, I can't get arsed to keep my house even relatively clean. </p><p>I should be proud of myself for being able to get myself up and do all work hours I was asked to as volunteer for EuroVolley, but then again, I honestly went there just for free food, and to watch the games. Since the volunteer work was relatively badly instructed, and there wasn't clear stuff needed to be done, I pretty much just watched the games when in there. But, to be honest, at least I got my ass up and went there. It's something I guess. </p><p>I have promised myself to not give up anymore, but right now, I don't know if I can keep that promise...</p><p><br /></p><p><i>I'm sorry that I let you down. </i>Again. </p>Owavahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11372380234612020061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2957382586397486385.post-52752139464618694992021-02-25T17:34:00.002+02:002021-02-25T17:34:22.363+02:00Bloody Ironic<p>Update 1: I was diagnosed some time back with hemochromatosis, which in all-day words means that I have too much iron in my blood. It is being treated by going regularly to give half a litre of blood away in a blood-letting, until the iron volume in blood is low enough. After that it'll probably be treated by giving blood twice a year or so. This is nothing major, so no need to worry about that, and its usual symptoms are pretty much being tired and stuff like that. The hard thing is to be clear if the tiredness is about this disease or the mental side. </p><p>Going to the mental side of things, I am not doing well, I can't lie about it. I cry daily, with or without a reason. Also taking care of my own life is not going well. I do stuff only if it's a must, not before. My motivation is low on living, not to talk about studies. I like my studies, but I just can't get motivated to learn. I am on medication for depression, so it's something, but because my own health institute changed on new year, I haven't yet contacted the new ones, so I have no therapy relation to anywhere for now. Everything is hard. </p><p>When it comes to my social life, at least studies is mostly done in groups, so there's something in that. They are 100% distant studies, but that's nothing we can do anything about for now. Outside of that, I pretty much have nothing. There are a few stream communities I am in, but I don't feel like I really am in them. Video games has been a way to ease my mental health, because it makes me forget, but I tend to not like to play games alone. Multiplayer games have stopped pretty much altogether because of scheduling issues, or just the plain fact, that I am toxic company, when it comes to some games. I can admit, that I get mad very easily, when I do bad in games like CS:GO, but that's mainly because I play games to feel that I can actually do something. When I do bad, I really get mad at myself, and it comes out as being toxic to people, who troll/cheat, or even if they don't. Nowadays, I just sit on computer watching TV shows on Disney+ or Netflix, and... Not doing anything or just playing to waste time. </p><p>"I miss my friends, but I still don't text them, because I just think I'll annoy them, but that's only because I really annoy myself."</p><p>I also need a hug. I need someone to come tell me, that I am not ok, and that's ok. I need to hear it from someone else, to really admit it to myself right now. I know I am not fine, but I don't want to admit it. </p>Owavahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11372380234612020061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2957382586397486385.post-975039782341089952021-01-16T00:58:00.004+02:002021-01-16T00:58:36.274+02:00New year, old me<p> Year 2021 is here, good bye to 2020... Not like it really would matter too much for now. 2020 was harsh on me, and I guess 2021, at least first half of it, won't be any easier. I thought before COVID striked big, that it wouldn't really affect me, because I never go out anyway. Well, how I was wrong. Studies get harder on me, because the reason I decided to try same line of study again, but in different school, was that the school was supposed to be more schedule-based, and teacher-oriented. Now I'm already seeing same problems I had in University when I started there 8 years ago. Another thing that COVID heavily affected on me, was the cancelling of all the events. The only times I had to see my closest online friends, who at the same time are my closest friends. </p><p>Today it has been 7 years since the first LAN party I went to with online friends. At that time, I was struggling heavily with my mental health, and those happenings were only times I really got out of those thoughts. Right now, my mental health is again going heavily downhill, and I am very unstable mentally, which leads to me not wanting to talk to people, because I might snap at any moment, and I can't afford losing any of my dearest friends, I've lost enough of them in the past. This spring period will be very hard studies-wise, but I will try my best to get through it, at least pass everything. But at the same time, I have to remember to stop and think about my own health too, if I really start to go down. I can't wait until it's too late, I did that already once in my life. </p><p>COVID hit me harder than I could have ever guessed, being so much of an "online person". My social life is online, almost wholy, but the problem is, I can't seem to get myself to keep socializing with even the closest and dearest friends anymore. That's why I need the face-to-face meet-up opportunities from time to time, which are all gone because of COVID now. Hopefully before or after summer, the situation would be at least somewhat normalized, because after all, my friends are my biggest resource of mental health. And I need that physical connection to get most out of it. </p><p>I'm not the person to hang out with, and even less I am a person who would ask people to meet up with me. I am very socially awkward, even with friends, and if there's not something we can do together, it will be very hard on me very quickly. That's main reason why LAN parties have saved me for many years in past. I am not the friend to go "get some beers" or "go to café" with, because I'm not really a talker. I open up to people, sure, but it takes time. </p><p>I just hope, I will get to see people again this year, and at least there are some meet-ups already been scheduled. I try to get through the study period too, but I need to remember myself too. I am not ok, and I have to just accept that again. Because in the end, my mental health can't get better, if I don't do something about it. </p>Owavahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11372380234612020061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2957382586397486385.post-44360097217027860742020-10-03T00:51:00.003+03:002020-10-03T00:51:27.803+03:00"I'm back..."I have been trying to move forward in life, but I think I tried too hard for too long to just do it myself. So... now I'm back on anti-depressants. I never wanted to say it, I never wanted to see it, but I have to think about myself again. The depression never went anyway, that's just a fact. I just wanted to hide it. <div><br /></div><div>People who really know me, probably has seen it all the time. I'm not fine, and I haven't been fine. Technically my life has gone forward, I'm starting new studies, and altho it seems like a step backwards, because it's same line of studies I started 8 years ago, this time I will go through it. </div><div><br /></div><div>My evenings and nights are tough. Too much time to think, and the thoughts aren't always that good. The new school has been stressful, as for me every situation I have to contact new people is. Also the studies are mostly groupwork-related, so the stress probably will stay there. I'm bad at making friends online, and it's even worse IRL. The COVID situation of course also affects the studies, lots of remote studies, although they are trying to do as much of contact study as possible. </div><div><br /></div><div>One other thing I've noticed (again) in new school, is the fact that I am really massive introvert. I am tired after schooldays, but then again, I don't mind playing together with people even after those. That might also just be because it makes me forget my thoughts. But that also brings a problem: I'm trying to hide my thoughts on games, which leads often to me just getting even deeper in my thoughts, because I don't get gaming company. That also goes with the problem I have with new people. I like playing games with "familiar faces", and that group isn't really too big, so finding play buddies is hard. The games people play now also aren't "my games"; Among Us is the main game to play with friends, and I wouldn't care less about it. That's of course my problem, and so is everything else in this post.</div><div><br /></div><div>So far, so good; I'm again trying to fix my head, will see how it goes. Therapy might start at start of next year, at earliest, if I feel like I want it. Right now that might be the way to go, because in all honestly, I've been depressed for almost 17 years now, more or less. It has never really gone away, because I've been hiding it with my best effort. People close to me see it through me, but I haven't really wanted to do anything about it. I don't like being sad, I don't like being powerless, I don't like being unproductive. But because I am powerless and unproductive, I can't be arsed to do anything about it. The reason I now went for doctor on my mental health, was the fact I needed medical certificate about it, to get my finances to line. Probably if that wasn't the case, I would have never gone for it. It had been 4 years since last time I went for doctor on mental health stuff, and it's not really a short time. It's been 4 years of trying to act like I was getting better, thinking that I can get back up. </div><div><br /></div><div>But I'm weak. Or maybe I have just tried to be strong for way too long. Life is going on, and even though it might be tough on my head. Mental health issues leads to other problems too, and I can't afford them. I had blood tests today, I think mainly to test for hypothyroidism. I can't remember if I even have been tested for that before, even though that is pretty normal tests alongside depression. Will see how they come back. It might be a relief if they come back positive for hypothyroidism, because that gives at least one answer. </div><div><br /></div><div>But before this post gets too long, I just want to say (again) that I am thankful for all my friends I've made over the years, and even tho I have very few people I talk with daily, I know there are plentyful of people who actually care. I don't see it too often, and my deep thoughts get me to feel like there isn't anyone, but genuinely, I know there are. I can't get myself to contact anyone, and therefore people also rarely contact me. Thank you, all of you! I know you are there, I just need to get myself up to talk to you people again. </div>Owavahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11372380234612020061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2957382586397486385.post-23502045410129356482020-06-26T12:29:00.000+03:002020-06-26T12:29:32.812+03:00Blogpost without a title, nor any senseIf only I could be more social; if only I could actually believe that anyone cared about me; if only... I've been writing this blog post in my head for months now. My life is starting to be a mess, and it's all just because of me. I have no one nor nothing else to blame. My social skills are bad, I can't get myself to start conversations with anyone, and I'm losing everyone because of that. I'm starting to slowly but surely seclude myself, and my only times outside my house are walks with Nasu; and even those are rare and short moments, because of the heat right now. <div><br /></div><div>This stuff also affects my school entrance exams... I mean, the exams are going decent, but I'm still not sure if I even want to go back to studies... Of course I want to get some degree, so I might actually at some point in my life get to work life, but then again, my social awkwardness is just so bad, that I'm just constantly telling myself, that I might not have the studying in me. I'm constantly feeling that I will fail the studies, again. I've been there before, I have been a student for a long time already. </div><div><br /></div><div>What am I doing to myself? I'm losing all social contacts, slowly. I don't play with anyone anymore, I'm doing some stupid stuff at my computer alone all day, every day. Who am I kidding saying that I would ever become anything? Everything in life needs social skills; I'm turning 27, and I still have 0 social skills. And honestly, what's the point anyway. I can't do anything useful anyway. </div><div><br /></div><div>People make it look so easy, having fun with friends. Even having friends is hard for me, and doing something with them is even harder. Everytime I see someone, it's so socially awkward, that it really hurts me. I have been living alone most of the last 10 months, so I've really been pretty much alone with my thoughts, and Nasu. This spring and summer has just been mentally tough. I resigned from my last work last autumn, and I've been unemployed ever since. Hard to find a job at this time, and also because I have no useful skills nor experience at any field of work. Not like I really had any skills what-so-ever. I was in mental rehab, again, but the way it was designed didn't really go well with the coronavirus limitations. </div><div><br /></div><div>I'm not fine, I haven't really been fine for years; I've tried to act like I am, because I don't want to accept that I'm not. It's not like I never really was fine. I'm lonely, even when around people, because I'm just bad socially. And the few times I actually end up in conversations with anyone, they tend to end as quickly as they began, because I can't keep the convo up. I'd love to have at least some social skills, but I don't, because I dislike myself, my self esteem is non-existant. I haven't achieved anything in my life, I probably never will if this continues the way it has. </div><div><br /></div><div>I've gone through two mental rehabs, neither of them really has helped myself, I can accept it now. They have been good to have some content in life, but that's about it. I'm mentally in a very bad place, and I just have to admit it. I don't know what I want in my life, I don't know what I see in my future, I don't know what I want for my future. I have never known. No passion in anything useful, or anything useless tbh. I need that heureka moment, rather sooner than later. I'm running out of time for figuring out what I really want. I mean, age is but a number, but there's no lying about the fact, that I've spent a big junk of my life without even a trace of any goals, or anything. </div>Owavahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11372380234612020061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2957382586397486385.post-77744914501687635522020-02-15T16:20:00.001+02:002020-02-15T16:20:57.593+02:00I'm a failure<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I used to be good at school, until high school. Although I still managed to pass matriculation examination, and get to University with the papers, I didn't really do that well in high school, when thinking how good I actually was before that in school. And probably most of you know what happened in Uni. I failed it. I was present at University for 6 or 7 years, until studying time ended. I studied study credits for maybe 1½ years. Why? Because I could never get into studying, because I have no passion to anything, I had no reason to go to lectures, and I had no friends, mainly because I never fit in. I never fit into any group. <div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I can't do anything I try to do:<br /> - studying? Failed because no passion, hence no motivation. </div>
<div>
- working? Was in a job for a year, got fired, because I never learned the job. Made dozens of job applications, got answers from maybe 5, four no's, and one call with "we'll call again later", which ended up as an empty hope. </div>
<div>
- hobbies? Floorball as a kid, had passion, but not enough to really learn the sport. Still would love to play it, because it's a great sport. Video games? I'm a social player, but I'm bad at being social. I'm also bad at online games, and I'd love to be better, but again, not passionate enough to really put effort. </div>
<div>
- friends? I have online friends, they mean the world to me, but I keep losing friends, because I can't be social or keep in contact. Also somehow people tend to not like me in a long run. I never hear it from anyone, because I keep getting told I'm such a good friend, but I don't know what to really trust. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I really wish I was something else than socially awkward nerd, who can't get anything done. But at the moment, depression is starting to get back into my life, because I really just... can't... I'm not fine. Maybe if I was fine, I wouldn't be mad at my dog every walk we have. Maybe I would actually have energy to cook myself even 3 times a week. Maybe I would actually be a student or have a job, if I actually was fine. Maybe I didn't cry once a day because I couldn't get even the simplest of tasks done. Maybe I could actually contact the important people in my life without fearing that I'll fail that too. I'm lost, again. I just don't want to accept it...</div>
<div>
<i style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br /></i></div>
<div>
<i style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br /></i></div>
<div>
<span jsname="YS01Ge" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">That's why I bang my head against the wall</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">'Cause I don't like myself at all,</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Wish that I could cut all the ties</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">And now my life is such a tragedy</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">'Cause I'm my biggest enemy,</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">I can't look myself in the eyes</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">It's I against me</span></div>
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<i style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br /></i></div>
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<i style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SEw5kub6ekc" target="_blank">~Anna Blue - I Against Me</a></i></div>
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Owavahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11372380234612020061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2957382586397486385.post-77103001026450391452019-09-02T12:49:00.002+03:002019-09-02T12:49:36.650+03:00Big temporary changes in my life<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So, let's cut to the chase. My GF moved to Lisbon today, and she'll be living there till next summer. She moved there as exchange student. She will visit home though in between, but still, living alone with Nasu will be a test, to me, as well as to our relationship. We have lived in distant relationship in the past for under a year, and now we have lived together for almost 4 years. I will be visiting her in Lisbon too at least once, if I just have the money and time.<br />
<br />
My current job is something I don't want to do, but I can't leave it until I get a new job, because of finances. I am job hunting hard to catch myself a new job, something full-time, and probably a day job. At the moment I am working as newspaper courier, so I work only night shifts, and it has caused me both mental and physical pain and stress. It will be hard for me to keep myself together if I can't get out of this job sooner better than later.<br />
<br />
My mental health will take a hit, I would be lying if I said it wouldn't. I have a dog to look after, and I am taking lot of stress about it, because this is the first time I'll be living alone with a dog for over 2 months. What if I can't do this? Other than taking care of Nasu -stress, my social life is a mess. I can't get myself to talk to even the most important friends in my life, no matter how hard I try, and right now when I'm living alone, those are the people I really need. It will be hard for me to go to places, because I'll be having hard time getting someone to dogsit Nasu. I know there are people I can get him to, but I am very bad at making it happen. But if anyone I know ever wants to come walk Nasu, or just come play with him, please hit me up. I will need those people to keep myself alive.<br />
<br />
Right now first step is to try to catch myself that new job. My job hunt is on 110%, so I just hope some employer out there wants me to work for them. And wants to teach me to do that job, because I'm honestly speaking not qualified for anything. If you really want to know more or just talk to me about anything, feel free to hit me up in any social media. I will still be here for everyone who feels like they need help. I'm still the same me, even if I'm going through some struggles. I still live for my friends, because they are my main source of energy. Thanks for being you. </div>
Owavahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11372380234612020061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2957382586397486385.post-67182651005278491642019-06-01T20:59:00.000+03:002019-06-01T20:59:00.945+03:00Why am I like this?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So, I lost my job. And honestly speaking, it didn't come as a big surprise. I've been shitty at work, I couldn't get handle of it well enough during a year, and I also started really losing motivation to even doing it. The only motivation was the paycheck, and once again I noticed, it's not big enough motivator for me. But the real problem here is, that I still put my mind settled on the fact, that I would be working there for a long time, and I stopped stressing about life, about studies, about future. Now it all came back straight to my face. My studies at University end after summer, and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't graduate yet, because my studying (as well) has been a total shitshow, to be brutally honest. I need to get arsed to do one course via book exam during this June and July though, because otherwise I probably have to pay back some study aid. So that's a thing.<br />
<br />
In the meantime, I have no motivation again. To anything really. This is just who I am. I'm lazy ass who can't motivate himself to anything. When it comes to finding work, I am open to lot of things, but then again, now that I've been looking for, and applying for couple of jobs, I can't help but wonder about what if's... What if once again I lose motivation, and everything goes to shit?<br />
<br />
I am turning 26 this year, and still to this day, for a quarter of a century, I haven't been able to figure out anything I'd have passion on, anything I'd have enough motivation to go for... There is always something I'd love to try, but then there's always something in front; may it be in my mind, or really something that makes it truly impossible to go for it. I have no dreams, apart from the normal lottery jackpot and healthy, normal life. I just would love to know what is my career, what am I even good at? I don't have social skills, I'm not good with people, apart from online, and even here it's really on-and-off. Then again, there are jobs for introverts like me, but there's always something that doesn't fit me. I'm social introvert; aka I need people, but I don't have the skills to be with people. I envy people who go out with friends, who spend time with other people, but still I don't even really like going anywhere with people.<br />
<br />
I do still play socially, it's the only way I really play anymore, I either stream, or play with friends, but I don't know why, but I just miss people outside gaming. When I game with people, I talk about the game, and stuff outside of games are in my head kind of a taboo. Deep stuff in my mind never gets out when it's gaming time, mainly because gaming is my way to get that stuff out of my mind. I'm a bad friend, I've been a bad friend, I will be a bad friend, because I'm never contacting them, even though every single day I look at the empty chat boxes...<br />
<br />
At the moment, I just need to focus on getting a job, and via that getting some more time again to think what I really want from life.. If I'll ever find that thing. I might be harsh and cruel for a few weeks, if anyone comes up to me in any negative manner, because I'm just so down on the bottom of the hill of the roller coaster I call my life. But the only way is up, again. When it comes to healing, it won't be easy, again; it took me years to get this job I now got fired from, and even though I got a year of work experience, it's in a field that won't help me getting forward or getting a new job. But now off to something new, and once again I try to promise myself to talk to people, but in my mind, no one cares. I am sorry, because even I know that is not true, but for some reason that is the thought that always comes up when I think about talking to someone. Because... for some reason that is what I am like. </div>
Owavahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11372380234612020061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2957382586397486385.post-40399091255901482512018-05-28T04:25:00.002+03:002019-11-20T18:27:32.798+02:00I'm a mess<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I got a job, yay. I finally have an income, yay... I still am not happy.<br />
<br />
I'm a mess, I have been for a long time, and I will be for a long time. I'm writing this at 4am... on Monday... work starts at 9am at the latest. I can't sleep, too many thoughts. Why am I so awkward in social situations? Why am I like this? I live my life to keep other people happy, not myself. I don't care about myself, because I can't say a bad word. I can't make other people mad, without it killing me from the inside. I have probably written about this before, but I don't care. This puts me in so many difficult situations daily.<br />
<br />
I'm losing friends, I'm losing communities, I'm losing myself in the progress. Why? Because I say stupid things, or because I am a too emotional mess. I tend to get mad in the smallest things, I am emotional, and for some reason that turns against me most of the times. If I'm having a bad day, I can snap at any moment, at anyone. And that's the #1 thing I'm always afraid of, and the #1 reason I can't start a conversation, even with my closest friends, on any deep matter. Deep talks are something I'd need, I have had them a lot more in my past, but now, I'm too scared. If I snap, I might lose it all. I might lose the most important asset in my life. You. The other people. So I just flee from situations, and in the progress leave everything inside my own little head. I envy people who have friends, and who can easily be and talk with their friends. I haven't had that kind of friendship like ever, and the reason is, I'm not easy on myself. I make everything hard. Everything I do, everything I say, everything I am... Everything I might do or say... EVERYTHING.<br />
<br />
I finally got a job, after a long time trying to find something, and still, I'm like this. Because I need people. Work brings be some new people, but I don't want new people, I want old people back, I want old people closer. I'm bad with new people, but I am also not good with old friends. I am a bad friend, I know I am because I never talk, I never do anything. I always just think, how cool it could be, if I'd be like that. I'm always planning in my head all kinds of cool things I could do with friends if only someone asked because I can't be the one asking people. Because in my head, I'm just an awkward introvert person to everyone. I'm nothing. I'm just another face in the crowd. Another problem has been the financial side because I never have money to do anything because nothing is free in life. Especially when it comes to having fun with friends, or having fun in general really. At least that side is getting a fix (hopefully) now, that I finally got a job.<br />
<br />
I fight my own fights in my own head. I tend to try to just not do it, but every now and then, the fights will happen, and they are fierce every time. They paralyze me. I can apologize in advance to everything I'll say when I'm on the edge. If I snap, anything can happen, and no one is safe. And sometimes, it doesn't take that much for me to snap. When I snap online, it will be bad words, it will be something not suitable for kids. When I snap offline, it's usually just me fleeing, before I hurt anyone's feelings, even if they'd deserve it. It doesn't take too much to get under my skin, and the one big thing that always will do it is adding fuel to the fire when someone has already hurt their feelings. That will always get me snapped, and then it gets everyone to hate me. That's how life goes.<br />
<br />
But honestly speaking, life will never be easy, and I understand and accept that. If someone or something makes me mad, I flee and damage only my brain, rather than damage anyone or anything else. It's just me, it doesn't matter. </div>
Owavahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11372380234612020061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2957382586397486385.post-35559320331189512622018-05-14T08:56:00.002+03:002019-11-20T18:28:52.840+02:00Shit happens<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So, I found a job, and I lost a job, all in 5 days. I applied for a job on Wednesday, went to interview on Thursday, and started on Friday. And now on Monday, I got a call, that I'm not suitable for this job. I'm "too smart" for the job.<br />
<br />
I get nothing for getting angry at the employers now, neither does any of you. I just need to keep seeking. At least I got one day's pay. If they feel I'm not suitable for the job, then I'm not. The employer has the right to select employees. I never signed the contract, because the one handling them stuff, wasn't at work on Friday. I could have demanded it then, but I don't really care. I found a job, I lost a job, now I just have to find another.<br />
<br />
The thing here is, I got an experience, even if just for a day. I can see the point they're telling me. I'm quiet and peaceful, and therefore I might not be what they want. At least they were being honest with me, and they told me now, not keep me until the end of May and then say it. Yes, it'd had meant more money and more experience, but probably by then, it would have had come out that they don't want me there.<br />
<br />
It's just too bad, I'm too smart for these jobs, but not smart enough for the jobs in my area of work... yet. </div>
Owavahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11372380234612020061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2957382586397486385.post-83056187308364092182018-03-13T10:40:00.002+02:002019-11-20T18:31:27.996+02:00I'm sorry that I let you down...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I've let my friends down, I've let my family down... But most of all, I've let myself down. My studies haven't gone forward almost at all for almost 4 years now... I've tried, but the problems have always been in my own head. I can't get the motivation for anything I'm not interested 100% in, and that's problematic when you can't find anything you have passion for. I'm trying to get back to my original major, computer science, but now the first course I've really taken, it's already going backward. I'm kind of interested in the subject, but how the course is run isn't the way that fits me. Forced group work, forced sitting order on lectures... Like what is this, elementary school?<br />
<br />
I'm bad in groups, can't lie about that. I'm that one awkward guy that never says anything to anyone, unless spoken to, and the one that says 'yes' to everything and agrees to anything others say. I know I should be able to face my fears of social happenings, but I can't. This is not the only problem in studying, it's a problem in everyday life. I'm secluding from society when it comes to "real life". I still have a good social life online, but when it comes to social happenings or any new unfamiliar people I have to meet, I'm lost, I rather run away than even try to face that.<br />
<br />
Another problem I might have right now when it comes to studying is that I took too many courses right away when trying to restart. I need the courses because I need some study credits, but I should remember my own health. I'm still not mentally healthy, I'd lie if I told I was. I should be able to start slow, but the pressure from society and the stress from needed study credits and the fact I have big financial issues (have no income), made me take too much, and last Sunday, I just spent whole night stressing over the studies, and all studies just froze. I just couldn't get anything done. I have 4 active courses as we speak, two of which are just needing last works (one exam, one essay). The essay needs only one more paragraph, but when you need to pick the topic from 4 options, none of which are something I know anything about, I can't get myself started. Brains going overdrive, and that's still the closest deadline.<br />
<br />
I'm bad at scheduling my studying. Even if I schedule them, I can't keep on going on schedule. I find excuses just for myself, I don't even have anyone I need to rationalize my choices, but myself. At the same time that I'm very disappointed and angry with myself, I also feel like I'm just getting more and more pressure. I know that pressure is for purpose when it comes to studying. I'd need to either get my life back on track or just try again via sick leave. I don't want to give up, I've already disappointed people and myself enough. I'm a failure as a student. I've been at University for 3 full years, I have studies of about 1 year. The biggest problem is still forced grouping. I want to do stuff myself, I hate social interaction when it comes to studying. Even though I'm bad at self-studying, I still like it way more than forced to schedule studying. I like to learn things, when it comes to Computer Science, I think I found some interest in coding now, but the first course picked brings me down, because it's forced grouping. Nothing against group members, the problem is in myself, but when it comes to coding, I like to learn by doing myself.<br />
<br />
I'm a failure in my own head, but I feel like I have hope, I just have to have studies that fit my own wants, by the way, they are run, and by the topics. I think coding might still be it, but this course I just started is not for me... What do I do, how do I do it?<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span jsname="YS01Ge" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Feels like we're on the edge right now</span><br />
<span jsname="YS01Ge" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I wish that I could say I'm proud</span><br />
<span jsname="YS01Ge" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I'm sorry that I let you down</span><br />
<span jsname="YS01Ge" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Let you down</span><br />
<span jsname="YS01Ge" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">All these voices in my head get loud</span><br />
<span jsname="YS01Ge" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I wish that I could shut them out</span><br />
<span jsname="YS01Ge" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I'm sorry that I let you down</span><br />
<span jsname="YS01Ge" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">L-l-let you down</span></blockquote>
</div>
Owavahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11372380234612020061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2957382586397486385.post-89988255538660319482018-02-21T01:46:00.002+02:002019-11-20T18:36:20.606+02:00Why can't life be easy<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Why is life so hard? Why am I making it so hard for myself?<br />
<br />
I live for friends, I don't live for me, but still, I'm too scared to talk to even my closest friends because I'm scared I'll say something wrong. I'm gonna apologize to everyone who I have ignored and haven't talked to, the reason is that I'm too scared.<br />
<br />
I'm not ok, I would lie if I said otherwise. I'm depressed, and I'm lost. I have no passion, I have no finances, I have no... life. I can't keep living on a lie anymore. I have to either let go of everything and give up on hopes of getting back for a while and just get to sick leave. I don't want to, because I am getting older, and I get kicked down mentally every time I see some people succeed in life, and get something done. I'm jealous, one can say that. That one isn't wrong. I'm jealous of people who get stuff done when I'm just staring at chat windows, emails, study papers, and getting nothing done.<br />
<br />
I'm hesitant on getting professional help, because I don't trust them, or myself, enough to think they would help. I've had three different therapeutic relationships, none of which have really seem to have done anything, and mostly because I'm hesitant. For some reason, I'd want to see help from friends rather than pros. I have friends that I can believe to be there for me, but then they can be gone in seconds because I'm so bad at words and talking.<br />
<br />
At least LanTrek is coming up, I can see some of my friends I see 1-3 times a year at most. I can just hope they want to see me because I rarely see anything visible showing that. I'm feeling like I'm the one always getting ignored when I want to be seen, and then when I say it, I get kicked down or even dropped out of lives. LanTrek is the one possible venue to see even some of the people who mean the world to me. I wish there were more of them, but what can you do, people tend to have more interest in other happenings.<br />
<br />
Life is harsh, it hit me hard before Christmas; I heard my sister tried to commit suicide. I didn't see it coming, even though I probably should have. Even tho we aren't too close, it hit me harder than I thought. Thinking back to times when I was standing very little off the edge of doing it myself, I can't stop thinking "what if". I had one person who saved me back then, and she's still one of the very few I can really trust.<br />
<br />
Every friend means the world to me, everybody who is there reading this means a lot. I live for other people, I smile when they smile. But I'm losing trust in what people say because it's never seen visibly.<br />
<br />
Friendship isn't seeing and talking daily, or even monthly or yearly. That's what I get said, and I know that I think like that too, but every time I see some people having fun with their friends, I can't stop thinking why there are so few people for me. My trust issues go way back, I haven't been able to trust anything people say since elementary, until just a few years ago. It's still hard, and that's why I like to write these things publicly.<br />
<br />
I'm a chicken when it comes to talking to people. I'm scared I say something wrong, I'm scared of acting stupid. I'm scared people hate me because I hate myself. It is not just dislike anymore, it's pure hatred. I should've been doing studying, I was supposed to get back to life after the last rehab that ended last autumn. I am studying at the moment. I need study credits to get aid back. Then I can start at 0. But I need that. I need to get myself to the point of wanting to do something with my life. I have dreams, but sadly most of them require big finances. I don't have dreams of what I want to do with my life, where I want to work. I have too big dreams because I have no passion for anything that could get me money. I spend days staring at screens, mentally lost in trying to talk to the dearest and most important people, trying to study, trying to find something that interests me enough to make living out of it. I... just... can't...<br />
<br />
Life's too hard. But it's like that to everyone. I just need to get brave and strong enough to overcome even some of the difficulties. But I'm not there yet. But I don't want to give up and fall back to nothing.... again. </div>
Owavahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11372380234612020061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2957382586397486385.post-34717231906798371302017-05-01T07:39:00.001+03:002019-11-20T18:37:14.115+02:00Grow up trolls!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Insulting others intentionally ISN'T trolling!<br />
Trying to make others feel bad intentionally ISN'T trolling!<br />
<br />
You can't go and hide behind trolling when you intentionally hurt others. It's not trolling! You have to be one extra selfish person, to think it's ok to hurt others online any more than it is ok to hurt someone in real life. And the answer when you say about this stuff to these people is always the same: You can just block/unsub/unfollow if someone hurts you online. Of course, you can, but the harm is already done. When a grown-up man is insulting people "just for laughs" it's just sad. You know, or at least you should know, that what you're doing is wrong, and you can't make it any better by saying after you hurt someone's feelings that it was just a troll/joke. And it's always the person getting insulted who is at fault for being too sensitive, right? NO!<br />
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Of course, there will always be trolls online, and this ain't a place for everyone, BUT it doesn't mean you have to act like shit to people who don't take it as a joke. There ISN'T a friendly banter between strangers, you have to remember, you can't say everything you say between friends to strangers. If you see someone hurt their feelings, you shouldn't keep going, because "ha ha ha, he hurt his feelings". It's the same thing offline too with bullies, they just put more gasoline to flames after someone hurt their feelings. It's not any more right online than it is offline. It's online bullying, not trolling.<br />
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"Internet is not for sensitive people", "You shouldn't be here if you can't take a joke", "You can just leave the conversation, you shouldn't try to clear the internet from trolls". Just a couple of comments I get every time I mention these things. The thing is, there's a difference between trolls and bullies. It's too bad some childish people don't understand that. And one who is insulting others on purpose should NEVER blame the recipient about it, it's not them who did wrong when they came to the internet, it's you who are acting like shit. And because I know some people are now saying "stop trying to save the world", if trying to empty the world of bullying and stupid ignorant idiots is saving the world, I'm not gonna stop until some of you actually understand what you are doing, which of course will take someone killing themself before you understand that you actually are doing something wrong.<br />
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Grow up "trolls"!<br />
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Owavahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11372380234612020061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2957382586397486385.post-30099986775282752712017-03-18T10:34:00.002+02:002019-11-20T18:38:57.921+02:00Disrespectful?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Am I disrespectful, or is there some other reason that people don't have any respect for me? Every time I state my opinion, with good reasoning or not, I get said I'm wrong. Yes, I know this is the internet, but that's not an excuse for acting shitty on other people. My opinion is next to never respected. People might say they respect it, but they act like they don't. I'm also feeling I don't fit in anywhere, and the biggest "fault" I clearly have in any community is the fact that I don't drink. I've always said I don't give a flying fuck if you drink or not, but you don't have to come to tell me that I should drink, and boasting with how much alcohol you drank last night is stupid, we all know that it's not really boasting matter, but if I comment on something alcohol-related, I get shot down immediately, because "what do I know". I have no say on anything I haven't tried? Why everyone else have then?<br />
<br />
I can give you that I am opinionful (that might not be a word) person, and I come out as one, but the fact that I'm disrespected almost daily because of my opinions just doesn't feel good. I'm left out, I'm not part of ANY community nowadays. I had a community I fit in a few years back, it's gone now. Where do I fit in, when every other day I get to fights somewhere, just by stating my opinion, which may differ from public opinion.<br />
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I am left out, and probably now half of you will say it's my own fault for being introvert. It's not that I wouldn't go in, I do, but I never feel welcomed anywhere. I feel like I have next to none real friends, just by checking my messages lately, next to none have come to talk to me. I have some people who I know really cares, even online, but there's a problem that we have little in common, so we talk rarely. I am sorry for that, but that's how it goes. However, the problem is, in groups, I'm always an outsider, I don't fit in, I'm not welcomed. If I can't say anything opinionated without getting shot down with clear disrespect, why do I keep trying? I don't talk if I don't have something to say, I've been raised to that. I might still talk before thinking and say stupid things, I usually (try to) fix the mistake made as soon as I notice it though.<br />
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In another thing, I'm getting tired of trying again. I'm maybe going forward now that I (probably) start a rehabilitation course at the end of April, but what then, who knows. I have dreams, but I don't have the stamina to go to them. I have financial issues, because of old mistakes; not that having student aid would be any better. Financial stress makes other stress, which takes my stamina. I'm not really motivated to anything, especially when it feels that there are max 3 people who really understand me. Is the problem really in me? I never know how much of people's opinions they say to me are legit. I lack self-confidence, and the fact that people say one thing and come out in another way doesn't help. I have trust issues because people don't show up like they deserve my trust. </div>
Owavahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11372380234612020061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2957382586397486385.post-55705096593543202452016-11-07T11:04:00.003+02:002016-11-07T11:04:59.987+02:00Failure<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I can't help myself from overthinking the past, how much I actually have failed, and how much I have just aborted because of the fact that I just couldn't. Competitive sports (floorball and football), I stopped because of loss of playtime and therefore passion, now afterwards I have passion for floorball, but now it's too late to start again, and I'm not someone who wants to play it un-competitively. I stopped playing at the time I was in worse condition mentally, but still. I have also stopped studying in University twice after I got in, I'm now trying but I'm starting to feel again, that I don't have it in me. No passion, no motivation. Also my civil service ended short, because of depression at the time. There's not a lot I have finished, that I've wanted. Of course the fact that I have to rely financially on someone else, because I can't get my life together, to even get student aid back, stresses me way too much, and the fact that I can't get my life together stresses me from the get-go, and it physically drains me also. I feel like I've failed also in friendships, a lot. I had many people to talk to about 3-4 years ago, and they've just slowly faded away to the point I'm at now. I rarely have anyone other to speak to than my GF, and my mother.<br />
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I'm turning 23 in 20 days, and I still have no idea what I want to, or even could, do with my life. NADA. My psyche is slowly dying (once again). My head can't handle the stress levels, that others and me myself are putting in. While at the same point, I'm just happy I'm still here, and I've moved on in my relationship and stuff around that, my personal life is draining, alongside with my social life. No social life here IRL in Tampere, apart from the lectures and tutorials, which are just forced communications. Social life here in Internet has also almost died recently. I'd like to be a streamer, but I don't have motivation to stream with two or fewer viewers, especially when the people I can still think are my friends, never support, or tell what's wrong with my stream that they never get there.<br />
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I visited DigiExpo/GamExpo/etc. in Helsinki yesterday with my GF. That was a chance to see some online friends, but even though I tried to ask people weeks prior on which day they were going, almost no one answered, and the answers I got were "I don't know". Then right after I locked in that we were going on Sunday, everyone else was going on Saturday. I couldn't change it anymore, I had "babysitting" to do on Saturday myself. When I ever try to ask something about something that would affect my planning on some events, that are possibilities to meet some of you, no one seems to notice, I get ignored, but then again, when I post something #relatable, people somehow notice me. Yeah, that's usual in terms of social media, but that just gives me the thoughts that there's not really that many that cares. The fact that I get ignored A LOT, gets me feelings that lots of people just act as being my friends, telling me how great person I am, and then they really don't show anything to go with their saying.<br />
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I'm not perfect, no one is, I'm far from it. I'm people-pleaser, if I get someone to feel bad, I take it very personally, and it drains me. I'm also people-pleaser, because I deep inside want someone to someday give something back to me, even though I know very well, that's not right reason to do anything. I'm still 100% pure heart when I say nice things to people, give virtual hugs, and try to help when someone feels bad, that comes from heart, but I have noticed that the fact that no one seems to care about my feel-bad moments, I tend to make questions in own head that "Why should I care?". I still do, there's nothing that can get that away from me, I care about everyone, because I don't want anyone to end up in state that I'm in.<br />
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Every question I ask seems to go to deaf ears. I know there are people who just can't contact me, because of me not being easily contactable, I can see that, and I've got people who have told me that. I don't contact many people, even though I should, and I'd want to, but I go through the conversations in my head, and stop before I even start. I have lost all contact to some people I still think are some of best friends I've ever had. That I got reminded today morning, when Facebook memory reminded me of something.<br />
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To put full circle now, am I a failure? In my head I am, and I have no trust of getting myself to really finish anything. There are people who always tell me I can do it, but in the end, only one in the way, is me. And I don't seem to get out of the way any time soon. I need something to have passion in, like I've had in video games for so long, but it needs to be something that really helps me getting forward, something that helps me getting my personal life to move. I'm on a rollercoaster stuck in bottom of a hill, and I need myself to push it back up, but I might not (and I know I don't need to) do it by myself. </div>
Owavahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11372380234612020061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2957382586397486385.post-47990926751755692222016-09-14T01:15:00.001+03:002016-09-14T01:15:06.642+03:00My laptop broke and other updates<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So, my laptop decided to break.. Probably it was the SSD that just stopped working, because now I can't even reinstall Windows on the disk, and it says on repair software that it's empty. Now have to somehow get new HDD/SSD or something and reinstall Windows on it. Hopefully it was fully SSD fault, and not on something else, that will break the next disk just as quick. I have temporary laptop that my dad gave me, which has Linux as OS. Will take a while to get used to, but I just can't see myself using this 'full-time'. Linux is something I would like to see grow big enough to start using, but it still misses so many features, that it's still no for me, maybe in the future.<br />
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Another update, I started studying English in Uni, started 3 courses now on this period, will see how it goes. It seems like easy and likeable, but getting motivation is something I can't get myself doing. And the fact that my social aid got discontinued because of my GF's study aid. Financial stress is getting back, and that's something that doesn't help me study. I could live with the income we're having, but that would be macaroni and ketchup everyday, and nothing else in life but studying. I need something else too! At least I got myself to start studying again, but for some reason, I still don't have any trust on myself getting this done.. Whilst my income was pretty much zeroed, and then the very next day my laptop broke, life is just kicking me down to the ground. And I didn't even get the lottery jackpot two days later. When life gives you lemons and so on.. I'm gonna need that sugar to make that lemonade sweet enough. I need some other things to do, like gaming and speaking with people. There's rare people that speak to me at all, and I miss many things because of the fact that I don't get told. It's been like that online for a long while, and then sometimes afterwards I get the blame of not knowing something, whilst I wasn't even informed.<br />
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My social life is still dying, because there's no way I can befriend anyone on the University, because I'm a "second subject student" on English, and I have no interest in parties or anything like that, for reasons most of you know. Every opportunity to make friends with people from Uni outside of school is in bars or parties, and involve alcohol, and I severely dislike drunk people in general. Old social life, from online, is also dying slow painful death, whilst I'm not too keen on watching and interacting on streams, apart from a few, my daily social life is almost non-existing. Apart from my GF of course. I got into CS:GO and got some friends to play with me, but now that my laptop broke, that's also gone for now. My social life is in Twitter, where I update most regularly, but rarely get any reactions on my tweets. There was Tube meet-up about which I tweeted multiple times, I got 2-3 reactions on them. I finally decided to not even go there, because of the fact that there wasn't anyone that clearly wanted me there, and also I got some babysitting for my aunt on the weekend too. I liked the fact that I got into some social life, but I'm still not good with kids; or I am, but I'm not good on getting myself to do anything with them, without getting told what to do. That's problem also outside of this topic. If I don't get exact instructions on what to do and how to do it, I won't do anything, because I'm too afraid, and "too sure" that I will do something wrong. I fear mistakes, even though I know they are part of humanity, I still fear them. I get nothing done, if I'm not told to do something.<br />
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I spend lots and lots of time just staring at chatboxes and conversations on different social medias. I just can't start saying anything, I just stare at it, and go through whole conversation, and then end up not starting it, because of how it ended in my head. I don't know how to start conversation with anyone, because I so rarely have them. It's an eternal circle.<br />
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In other news, I shouldn't be awake at this hour, but I still am because of the upcoming hockey match between the Lions and USA. Probably will fall asleep after first period, like one time before, but I still try. Lecture tomorrow 15-16, probably will visit YTHS (health care facility of Uni) also, to get my ears emptied, because one of them just went totally deaf, because of earwax. Nothing else for now, have a great night, morning, day, evening, or whatever, depending on when you're reading this. I will post this at night anyways, even though I will get very few views that way. Hugs to everyone! Remember to smile, even if it's hard. Smile for me, because I can't right now :)</div>
Owavahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11372380234612020061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2957382586397486385.post-58844357458443287342016-08-20T09:13:00.001+03:002016-08-20T09:13:50.992+03:00Just another update with very interesting title<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So, I got moved. Me and my GF moved from Kouvola to Tampere to continue/start studies in University. My goal is to get started again, and hopefully I can achieve that. My motivation is still low, because I don't have passion over anything I could study about. Also financial stress doesn't help at all. But yeah, this was a big step again, and hopefully into good direction. Now that I've been living in Tampere for one week again, this city just keeps getting better for me. I just love this city. Nice places to walk and many places to see.<br />
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In other things, some of you might've noticed, I took a break from social media for a week or so during the move. I said that I was gonna vanish from SoMe completely under the nickname, and I already also made a new nickname, but finally decided to come back, because there's too much I'd lose doing that. I still did change nickname, but not entirely. The reason behind the decision was that I was getting too much hate just when my name was seen in chats. Also the fact that in some chat groups, every time I said something differing from "public opinion", I got 'attacked', or at least that's how it felt because everybody was on other opinion's side, and defended the guy I had differences with. In the end I get told how I'm childish, because someone purposefully tries to make me mad, and I get it personally. Just because of the fact that afterwards when I seem mad, they say it was all a joke. I don't take many things as joke, because bullying and calling names should never be a joke. The fact that I get called names, then I answer to them, and then I get called childish, is just bullshit. Everytime I say something, I say something wrong. So yeah, I just vanished for over a week or so in the end. There are some people who take their fun from agitating other people, so called trolls, who afterwards just safe their asses by saying it was all a joke. And then people, like me, who get agitated, are called names for being childish idiots.. Just for pure interest, how am I childish, and the trolls aren't? They are just 'comedians'. I have zero tolerance on trolls, because that's the stupidest thing a man can do in the internet. PERIOD.<br />
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Also happened: I visited Assembly Summer for a day, glad at least some people there were kind to me. I still spent time there alone, because I was mainly running between 3-4 different computer places, and I had no group that I really belonged in. Still, it was more fun that I thought it would be. There are still people who really are kind and want me in their lives. My next LAN party probably will be LanTrek '17, if not visiting Assembly Winter. I am waiting for it, because probably there aren't many places to see online friends otherwise before that. The LAN parties are the time that I feel like belonging to somewhere, even though I'm still a person in the back that just walks around and listens people's conversations, without making moves to jump in them. I hope that people would still accept me as I am, but not take me for granted. I won't be always there for you, if you're never there for me. I am overly friendly, but that can also change if people give me no reason to.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Picture from Pyynikki, Tampere</td></tr>
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Owavahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11372380234612020061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2957382586397486385.post-33528327693875444672016-05-07T22:43:00.001+03:002016-05-07T22:43:35.557+03:00LanTrek '16 and updates<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
This week went by at Tampere in LanTrek '16 LAN event. 4th time there, and it was good, but been better. Probably timing of the event was worse, because didn't meet that many friends there, but still good to see the few I see once or twice a year at most. But bad part of this, those few times a year are only times I can see they are my friends. To be honest, I'm starting to doubt if some of them are even really my friends. People are being nice to me at meet-ups IRL, but then it's half a year of no contacting at all.<br />
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I push myself to contact some people for few days, or even more, and then I get ignored when I finally get the courage to say something. Maybe people are that busy every time I contact them just to have someone to talk to, but still they could say something back. I get answers if I ask people something, and I get contacted when I'm needed in something. I'm hard to contact, I can give you that, because I suck at small talk, and if there's anything 'wrong' I could say to make other person mad, I say nothing. I'm too kind at times and that affects my social life in negative way.<br />
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There are some people I think about every single day; thinking that I should send them a message, but because of overthinking the whole conversation (which never ends up in positive way), or pre-assuming I'll be ignored, I just can't start the conversation, and then I just get mad at myself and life because of the fact that I'm afraid to talk. I dislike myself, that's a fact. There's very few things I can really say that I like about myself. That probably comes from the fact that I rarely got a praise when I was young, and now I take every praise as sarcasm.<br />
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Almost everytime when I have long convo in my head about someone I should talk to, it ends up with me telling myself he/she hates me and just acts that I'm a friend to them. When only a few (you are important ♥ ) people take the step to talk to me, it takes away my motivation to talk to them. When at LanTrek I had company, I had a group that I felt I was part of, but then it stopped the day the event ended.<br />
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The feeling of loneliness and being not liked just got bigger two weeks ago when my gf was on holiday for two weeks. Those two weeks were long, even though I spent almost a week of that at my parents'. I spent them alone at home, playing video games with some random people that might be my friends in good days, but who don't know anything about me. Then the people I can, or at least could a year back, call friends, were nowhere to be seen. I tried to stream, with no luck of having anyone watching. That ate my motivation wholy. I spent few days after that just laying down watching stupid shows on TV and playing NHL and FIFA for 6 hours straight. My motivation at life was down to zero at points, because I get nothing going. I need something more in my life than watching tv and playing with my girlfriend.<br />
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No luck with job-finding for summer, no plans at all for summer, seems like it's gonna be long summer with few meet-ups. Assembly is coming up, but we'll see if I even go there, last few weren't really worth it, other than the few hugs from good friends. Will see if people get me motivated enough to go there, because they (read you) are the only reason I really even go to those things. My online friends are only people I have in my life apart from my GF, and they are getting further and further away every day, until they get close for few days at some event, and then get back to getting away.<br />
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I don't really know what I should do with my life right now. I can't see myself getting up and running for studying after summer, or during summer, if I have nothing to do in summer. I was on top of the hill about a year ago, but I'm going back down, thanks to myself being difficult.<br />
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Thank you anyways to everyone at LanTrek, it was nice event once again anyhow. And thanks for everyone who tries to contact me even some times. You are important. ♥</div>
Owavahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11372380234612020061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2957382586397486385.post-33319817948433137872016-03-08T08:27:00.001+02:002016-03-08T08:27:21.547+02:00Too big steps<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Step to start a conversation... It's size is about the same as Mt Everest for me, because I can't small talk, and because I fear social situations. I have diagnosed fear of social situations, and that's something that hardens both my social life with friends and trying to get a job. Talking through phone is one of the hardest things I have to do. I just can't do it, especially formal conversations. Also, I don't have social life, because I don't start conversations, because I CAN'T. People who know me well enough, know that face to face -conversations with me are always awkward, because I can't keep up the small talk. That's the reason why for me the effort I have to make to start conversation is triple the size of someone who doesn't have the fear of social situations. That's why I just hope sometimes someone contacted me, without me needing to start it. <div>
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How does the fear show up? It shows up by me not being able to do stuff in social situations, via phone or face to face. If I'm not asked a question, I'm not talking. If I'm not talked to, I'm not starting the conversation; no ability to small talk, no ability to keeping conversation up. That's something I want to learn, but I can't. Some wise man said 'if someone wants you in their life, their make an effort to keep you in it' or something along that line. That makes me think that there's no one who wants me in their life, because there's rarely, if ever, a message that comes to me just to start a conversation, without needing something from me. Of course I get contacted, if I'm needed in something, but that's it. </div>
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Believe me when I say this: I want every single one of you, who are in my life, to stay here, but unfortunately I can't show it good enough. I have a fear, that I can't handle. I can learn out of it, but it takes time, and I can't do it by myself. I have contacted social workers, and I'm waiting for them to call to assign a time for me to talk. I can just hope it will help me in any way. I don't have a job, I can't study, my life is stopped. I live on social aid, but who knows for how long. Because my social life is pretty much non-existant to a point, that doesn't help my 'healing' either. I'm depressed, I'm afraid, I'm not getting forward. Future is unclear, past is full of bad memories, present is just hanging on, to nothing. </div>
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Owavahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11372380234612020061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2957382586397486385.post-12800588107419578552016-02-11T11:15:00.002+02:002016-02-11T11:15:54.670+02:00Do I belong?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<b><a href="http://tl.gd/n_1soa5o2" target="_blank">SUOMEKSI</a> </b>this post is translated from Finnish - might not have perfect grammar<br />
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Do I belong anywhere? This is what I thought about last night, and what it means is that I've been starting to feel, that I'm not in any group, but I'm only part of groups, and if I weren't there, nobody would even notice. I noticed that partly at Assembly LAN party, where I was walking around with some people, but that's it; people moved from place to place quickly, and few times, I ended up sitting alone with my GF. I'm not that social myself, and that's part of the problem, but I still want to feel like I'm really part of even one group. It's same online right now; I'm not noticed, and it feels that if I disappeared, it wouldn't be noted, people would just continue in normal way. I'm outsider, even as part of a community.<br />
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At the same time, I've thought why am I even here? I became SoMe addict, because I could be more "me" in here than in real life, but now I feel, that there's no one here anymore. My personal life also isn't moving forward at the moment. I'm seeking for job, passively, but there's no job to be seen. And I know, it's partly my own fault, because I can't get myself to go ask for job face to face, because it's too big step for me, because I'm shy and unsocial. That gives me stress, because I have no idea how I get money to live. At this moment 100% of my income is from social aid, and I don't want it to be like that. I want a job, but I can't get one, and I want a motivation to study, but nothing interests me.<br />
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One more thing from Assembly: At the end of LANs, I was sent to go get a trolley for the group... I waited for one to free for about half an hour, and guess what: the group I was getting it for, had already got one from elsewhere during that time, and of course, no one told me.. And then I just walked back to the door with empty trolley. It can seem like small thing for lot of you, but it annoyed me pretty much even then. It just makes the feel that I'm outsider even bigger in my head... I'm not even remembered. Yes, it's wrong way to think, but that's how it goes in my head. Assembly was great happening for me again, because I don't see people that often, but once again, was it worth it? I live for my friends, but is it worth it? Thank you anyway for all of the people who spent time with me in there, you are wonderful ♥.<br />
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Owavahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11372380234612020061noreply@blogger.com0