Monday, May 11, 2015

My patience is running out

I am normally very patient person, about anything, but right now, I'm starting to lose my patience on my life. I've gone very little bit forward in my life in last 2 years. I've done my civil service, and I've found myself a loving GF. Other than that, my life is running in place.

I've been raised to believe in fate; everything happens for a reason; but sometimes I just wish I knew the reason. There's too much waiting for stuff, that I can't do anything about. I can't be patient for long, if at same time I'm unaware of almost everything. I can't stay patient even about getting myself healthy and able to study or work, while at the same time society pressures me to do all kinds of decisions, and to try to handle all shit that I really just can't. Stress levels cause shitty sleep schedule, and overthinking everything. Lately my brain also has started to think, how many people really do care. I am lonely, even when in company. I noticed that yesterday when I was celebrating Mother's Day with relatives. I thought I might have a good day, but I ended up just laying in couch, trying to stop myself from crying, while at the same time there were people around me all the time.

That's my life. I'm lonely almost all the time; only exceptions being the times when I'm with my GF or with my friends, which I can't see that often. And online, I feel even lonelier day by day. I have only few people who come talk to me regularly. I can't start conversations myself, because I fear that they will end awkwardly. And because barely anyone comes to talk to me, my brain starts thinking that no one really cares. I know there's people who do, but my brain doesn't.

I will have big decisions to make right now. I have to somehow be able to decide whether I move to my parents for summer, or if I stay in Tampere, or if I move to Kouvola. I will move to Kouvola after summer at latest, if everything goes as it seems right now, but what do I do over summer, is still a blur. And I can't clarify it by myself, I have to wait for decisions from KELA, and my psychiatrist. I still need that someone in my life, at least for every week, to see, to have contact with, but at this moment, I can't do anything about it.

There are people amongst you who saved my life earlier. I know you will be there for me, if I need you, but I just can't get myself to start asking for help, because I can't put my thoughts into words. I know I will be allright, but it will take time, and I most probably can't do it by myself. My patience is running out, I won't last for long.

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