Monday, May 28, 2018

I'm a mess

I got a job, yay. I finally have an income, yay.... I still are not happy.

I'm a mess, I have been for long time, and I will be for long time. I'm writing this at 4am... on Monday... work starts at 9am at latest. I can't sleep, too many thoughts. Why am I so awkward in social situations? Why am I like this? I live my life to keep other people happy, not myself. I don't care about myself, because I can't say a bad word. I can't make other people mad, without it killing me from the inside. I have probably written about this before, but I don't care. This puts me in so many difficult situations on daily basis.

I'm losing friends, I'm losing communities, I'm losing myself in the progress. Why? Because I say stupid things, or because I am too emotional mess. I tend to get mad in smallest things, I am emotional, and for some reason that turns against me most of the times. If I'm having a bad day, I can snap at any moment, at anyone. And that's the #1 thing I'm always afraid of, and the #1 reason I can't start conversation, even with my closest friends, on any deep matter. Deep talks are something I'd need, I have had them a lot more in my past, but now, I'm too scared. If I snap, I might lose it all. I might lose the most important asset on my life. You. The other people. So I just flee from situations, and in progress leave everything inside my own little head. I envy people who have friends, and who can easily be and talk with their friends. I haven't had that kind of friendship like ever, and the reason is, I'm not easy on myself. I make everything hard. Everything I do, everything I say, everything I am... Everything I might do or say... EVERYTHING.

I finally got a job, after long time trying to find something, and still, I'm like this. Because I need people. Work brings be some new people, but I don't want new people, I want old people back, I want old people closer. I'm bad with new people, but I am also not good with old friends. I am bad friend, I know I am, because I never talk, I never do anything. I always just think, how cool it could be, if I'd be like that. I'm always planning in my head all kinds of cool things I could do with friends, if only someone asked, because I can't be the one asking people. Because in my head, I'm just an awkward introvert person to everyone. I'm nothing. I'm just another face in the crowd. Another problem has been the financial side, because I never have money to do anything, because nothing is free in life. Especially when it comes to having fun with friends, or having fun in general really. At least that side is getting a fix (hopefully) now, that I finally got a job.

I fight my own fights in my own head. I tend to try to just not do it, but every now and then, the fights will happen, and they are fierce every time. They paralyze me. I can apologize in advance to everything I'll say when I'm on the edge. If I snap, anything can happen, and no one is safe. And sometimes, it doesn't take that much for me to snap. When I snap online, it will be bad words, it will be something not suitable for kids. When I snap offline, it's usually just me fleeing, before I hurt anyone's feelings, even if they'd deserve it. It doesn't take too much to get under my skin, and the one big thing that always will do it, is adding fuel to the fire, when someone has already hurt their feelings. That will always get me snapped, and then it gets everyone to hate me. That's how life goes.

But honestly speaking, life will never be easy, and I understand and accept that. If someone or something makes me mad, I flee and damage only my brain, rather than damage anyone or anything else. It's just me, it doesn't matter. 

Monday, May 14, 2018

Shit happens

So, I found a job, and I lost a job, all in 5 days time. I applied for job on Wednesday, went to interview on Thursday, and started on Friday. And now on Monday, I got a call, that I'm not suitable for this job. I'm "too smart" for the job.

I get nothing for getting angry at the employers now, neither does any of you. I just need to keep seeking. At least I got one day's pay. If they feel I'm not suitable for the job, then I'm not. Employer has right to select employees. I never signed the contract, because the one handling them stuff, wasn't at work on Friday. I could have demanded it then, but I don't really care. I found a job, I lost a job, now I just have to find another.

The thing here is, I got experience, even if just for a day. I can see the point they're telling me. I'm quiet, and peaceful, and therefore I might not be what they want. At least they were being honest with me, and they told me now, not keep me until end of May and then say it. Yes, it'd had meant more money and more experience, but probably by then, it would have had come out that they don't want me there.

It's just too bad, I'm too smart for these jobs, but not smart enough for the jobs at my area of work... yet. 

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

I'm sorry that I let you down...

I've let my friends down, I've let my family down... But most of all, I've let myself down. My studies haven't gone forward almost at all for almost 4 years now... I've tried, but the problems have always been in my own head. I can't get motivation to anything I'm not interested 100% in, and that's problematic when you can't find anything you have passion for. I'm trying to get back to my original major, computer science, but now the first course I've really taken, it's already going backwards. I'm kind of interested in the subject, but how the course is run isn't the way that fits me. Forced group work, forced sitting order on lectures... Like what is this, elementary school?

I'm bad in groups, can't lie about that. I'm that one awkward guy that never says anything to anyone, unless spoken to, and the one that says 'yes' to everything and agrees to anything others say. I know I should be able to face my fears of social happenings, but I can't. This is not only problem in studying, it's problem in everyday life. I'm secluding from society, when it comes to "real life". I still have good social life online, but when it comes to social happenings, or any new unfamiliar people I have to meet, I'm lost, I rather run away than even try to face that.

Another problem I might have right now when it comes to studying, is that I took too many courses right away when trying to restart. I need the courses, because I need study credits, but I should remember my own health. I'm still not mentally healthy, I'd lie if I told I was. I should be able to start slow, but the pressure from society and the stress from needed study credits and the fact I have big financial issues (have no income), made me take too much, and last Sunday, I just spent whole night stressing over the studies, and all studies just froze. I just couldn't get anything done. I have 4 active courses as we speak, two of which are just needing last works (one exam, one essay). Essay needs only one more paragraph, but when you need to pick the topic from 4 options, none of which are something I know anything about, I can't get myself started. Brains going overdrive, and that's still the closest deadline.

I'm bad at scheduling my studying. Even if I schedule them, I can't keep on going on schedule. I find excuses just for myself, I don't even have anyone I need to rationalize my choices, but myself. In the same time that I'm very disappointed and angry on myself, I also feel like I'm just getting more and more pressure. I know that pressure is for purpose, when it comes to studying. I'd need to either get my life back on track, or just try again via sick leave. I don't want to give up, I've already disappointed people and myself enough. I'm failure as a student. I've been in University for 3 full years, I have studies of about 1 year. The biggest problem is still the forced grouping. I want to do stuff myself, I hate social interaction when it comes to studying. Even though I'm bad at self-studying, I still like it way more than forced to schedule studying. I like to learn things, when it comes to Computer Science, I think I found some interest to coding now, but the first course picked brings me down, because it's forced grouping. Nothing against group members, the problem is in myself, but when it comes to coding, I like to learn by doing myself.

I'm a failure in my own head, but I feel like I have hope, I just have to have studies that fit my own wants, by the way they are ran, and by the topics. I think coding might still be it, but this course I just started is not for me... What do I do, how do I do it?

Feels like we're on the edge right now
I wish that I could say I'm proud
I'm sorry that I let you down
Let you down
All these voices in my head get loud
I wish that I could shut them out
I'm sorry that I let you down
L-l-let you down

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Why can't life be easy

Why is life so hard. Why am I making it so hard for myself.

I live for friends, I don't live for me, but still I'm too scared to talk to even my closest friends, because I'm scared I'll say something wrong. I'm gonna apologize to everyone who I have ignored and haven't talked to, the reason is that I'm too scared.

I'm not ok, I would lie if I said otherwise. I'm depressed, and I'm lost. I have no passion, I have no finances, I have no... life. I can't keep living on lie anymore. I have to either let go of everything and give up on hopes of getting back for a while, and just get to sick leave. I don't want to, because I am getting older, and I get kicked down mentally every time I see some people succeed in life, and get something done. I'm jealous, one can say that. That one isn't wrong. I'm jealous to people who get stuff done, when I'm just staring at chat windows, emails, study papers, and getting nothing done.

I'm hesitant on getting professional help, because I don't trust them, or myself, enough to think they would help. I've had three different therapeutic relationships, none of which have really seem to have done anything, and mostly because I'm hesitant. For some reason, I'd want to see help from friends rather than pros. I have friends that I can believe to be there for me, but then they can be gone in seconds, because I'm so bad at words and talking.

At least there's LanTrek coming up, I can see some of my friends I see 1-3 times a year at most. I can just hope they want to see me, because I rarely see anything visible showing that. I'm feeling like I'm the one always getting ignored, when I want to be seen, and then when I say it, I get kicked down, or even dropped out of lifes. LanTrek is the one possible venue to see even some of the people who mean the world to me. I wish there were more of them, but what can you do, people tend to have more interest in other happenings.

Life is harsh, it hit me hard before christmas; I heard my sister tried to commit suicide. I didn't see it coming, even though I probably should have. Even tho we aren't too close, it hit me harder than I thought. Thinking back to times when I was standing very little off the edge of doing it myself, I can't stop thinking "what if". I had one person who saved me back then, and she's still one of the very few I can really trust.

Every friend means the world to me, everybody who is there reading this mean a lot. I live for other people, I smile when they smile. But I'm losing trust on what people say, because it's never seen visibly.

Friendship isn't seeing and talking daily, or even monthly or yearly. That's what I get said, and I know that, I think like that too, but everytime I see some people having fun with their friends, I can't stop thinking why there's so few people for me. My trust issues go way back, I haven't been able to trust anything people say since elementary, until just few years ago. It's still hard, and that's why I like to write these things publicly.

I'm a chicken when it comes to talking to people. I'm scared I say something wrong, I'm scared of acting stupid. I'm scared people hate me, because I hate myself. It's not dislike anymore, it's pure hatred. I should've been doing studying, I was supposed to get back to life after last rehab that ended last autumn. I am studying at the moment. I need study credits to get aid back. Then I can start from 0. But I need that. I need to get myself to the point of wanting to do something with my life. I have dreams, but sadly most of them are in need of big finances. I don't have dreams of what I want to do with my life, where I want to work. I have too big dreams, because I have no passion to anything that could get me money. I spend days staring at screens, mentally lost in trying to talk to dearest and most important people, trying to study, trying to find something that interests me enough to make living out of it. I... just... can't...

Life's too hard. But it's like that to everyone. I just need to get brave and strong enough to overcome even some of the difficulties. But I'm not there yet. But I don't want to give up and fall back to nothing.... again. 

Monday, May 1, 2017

Grow up trolls!

Insulting others intentionally ISN'T trolling!
Trying to make others feel bad intentionally ISN'T trolling!

You can't go and hide behind trolling, when you intentionally hurt others. It's not trolling! You have to be one extra selfish person, to think it's ok to hurt others online any more than it is ok to hurt someone in real life. And the answer when you say about these stuff to these people is always the same: You can just block/unsub/unfollow, if someone hurts you online. Of course you can, but the harm is already done. When grown-up man is insulting people "just for laughs" it's just sad. You know, or at least you should know, that what you're doing is wrong, and you can't make it any better by saying after you hurt someone's feelings that it was just a troll/joke. And it's always the person getting insulted who is at fault for being too sensitive, right? NO!

Of course there will always be trolls online, and this ain't a place for everyone, BUT it doesn't mean you have to act like shit to people who don't take it as a joke. There ISN'T friendly banter between strangers, you have to remember, you can't say everything you say between friends to strangers. If you see someone hurt their feelings, you shouldn't keep going, because "ha ha ha, he hurt his feelings". It's the same thing offline too with bullies, they just put more gasoline to flames after someone hurt their feelings. It's not any more right online than it is offline. It's online bullying, not trolling.

"Internet is not for sensitive people", "You shouldn't be here if you can't take a joke", "You can just leave the conversation, you shouldn't try to clear the internet from trolls". Just a couple of comments I get every time I mention these things. The thing is, there's a difference between trolls and bullies. It's too bad some childish people don't understand that. And one who is insulting others on purpose should NEVER blame the recipient about it, it's not them who did wrong when they came to internet, it's you who are acting like shit. And because I know some people are now saying "stop trying to save the world", if trying to empty the world of bullying and stupid ignorant idiots is saving the world, I'm not gonna stop until some of you actually understand what you are doing, which of course will take someone killing themself before you understand that you actually are doing something wrong.

Grow up "trolls"!


Saturday, March 18, 2017

Disrespectful?

Am I disrespectful, or is there some other reason that people don't have any respect on me? Every time I state my opinion, with good reasoning or not, I get said I'm wrong. Yes, I know this is the internet, but that's not an excuse to acting shitty on other people. My opinion is next to never respected. People might say they respect it, but they act like they don't. I'm also feeling I don't fit in anywhere, and the biggest "fault" I clearly have in any community is the fact that I don't drink. I've always said I don't give a flying fuck if you drink or not, but you don't have to come tell me that I should drink, and boasting with how much alcohol you drank last night is stupid, we all know that it's not really boasting matter, but if I comment on something alcohol-related, I get shot down immediately, because "what do I know". I have no say on anything I haven't tried? Why everyone else has then?

I can give you that I am opinionful (that might not be a word) person, and I come out as one, but the fact that I'm disrespected almost daily because of my opinions just doesn't feel good. I'm left out, I'm not part of ANY community nowadays. I had a community I fit in few years back, it's gone now. Where do I fit in, when every other day I get to fights somewhere, just by stating my opinion, which may differ from public opinion.

I am left out, and probably now half of you will say it's my own fault for being introvert. It's not that I wouldn't go in, I do, but I never feel welcomed anywhere. I feel like I have next to none real friends, just by checking my messages lately, next to none has come to talk to me. I have some people who I know really cares, even online, but there's a problem that we have little in common, so we talk rarely. I am sorry for that, but that's how it goes. However, the problem is, in groups, I'm always outsider, I don't fit in, I'm not welcomed. If I can't say anything opinionated without getting shot down with clear disrespect, why do I keep trying. I don't talk if I don't have something to say, I've been raised to that. I might still talk before thinking and say stupid things, I usually (try to) fix the mistake made as soon as I notice it though.

In another thing, I'm getting tired of trying again. I'm maybe going forward now that I (probably) start rehabilitation course on end of April, but what then, who knows. I have dreams, but I don't have stamina to go to them. I have financial issues, because of old mistakes; not that having student aid would be any better. Financial stress makes other stress, which takes my stamina. I'm not really motivated to anything, especially when it feels that there's max 3 people who really understand me. Is the problem really in me? I never know how much of people's opinions they say to me are legit. I lack self-confidence, and the fact that people say one thing and come out in other way doesn't help. I have trust issues, because people don't show up like they deserve my trust.  

Monday, November 7, 2016

Failure

I can't help myself from overthinking the past, how much I actually have failed, and how much I have just aborted because of the fact that I just couldn't. Competitive sports (floorball and football), I stopped because of loss of playtime and therefore passion, now afterwards I have passion for floorball, but now it's too late to start again, and I'm not someone who wants to play it un-competitively. I stopped playing at the time I was in worse condition mentally, but still. I have also stopped studying in University twice after I got in, I'm now trying but I'm starting to feel again, that I don't have it in me. No passion, no motivation. Also my civil service ended short, because of depression at the time. There's not a lot I have finished, that I've wanted. Of course the fact that I have to rely financially on someone else, because I can't get my life together, to even get student aid back, stresses me way too much, and the fact that I can't get my life together stresses me from the get-go, and it physically drains me also. I feel like I've failed also in friendships, a lot. I had many people to talk to about 3-4 years ago, and they've just slowly faded away to the point I'm at now. I rarely have anyone other to speak to than my GF, and my mother.

I'm turning 23 in 20 days, and I still have no idea what I want to, or even could, do with my life. NADA. My psyche is slowly dying (once again). My head can't handle the stress levels, that others and me myself are putting in. While at the same point, I'm just happy I'm still here, and I've moved on in my relationship and stuff around that, my personal life is draining, alongside with my social life. No social life here IRL in Tampere, apart from the lectures and tutorials, which are just forced communications. Social life here in Internet has also almost died recently. I'd like to be a streamer, but I don't have motivation to stream with two or fewer viewers, especially when the people I can still think are my friends, never support, or tell what's wrong with my stream that they never get there.

I visited DigiExpo/GamExpo/etc. in Helsinki yesterday with my GF. That was a chance to see some online friends, but even though I tried to ask people weeks prior on which day they were going, almost no one answered, and the answers I got were "I don't know". Then right after I locked in that we were going on Sunday, everyone else was going on Saturday. I couldn't change it anymore, I had "babysitting" to do on Saturday myself. When I ever try to ask something about something that would affect my planning on some events, that are possibilities to meet some of you, no one seems to notice, I get ignored, but then again, when I post something #relatable, people somehow notice me. Yeah, that's usual in terms of social media, but that just gives me the thoughts that there's not really that many that cares. The fact that I get ignored A LOT, gets me feelings that lots of people just act as being my friends, telling me how great person I am, and then they really don't show anything to go with their saying.

I'm not perfect, no one is, I'm far from it. I'm people-pleaser, if I get someone to feel bad, I take it very personally, and it drains me. I'm also people-pleaser, because I deep inside want someone to someday give something back to me, even though I know very well, that's not right reason to do anything. I'm still 100% pure heart when I say nice things to people, give virtual hugs, and try to help when someone feels bad, that comes from heart, but I have noticed that the fact that no one seems to care about my feel-bad moments, I tend to make questions in own head that "Why should I care?". I still do, there's nothing that can get that away from me, I care about everyone, because I don't want anyone to end up in state that I'm in.

Every question I ask seems to go to deaf ears. I know there are people who just can't contact me, because of me not being easily contactable, I can see that, and I've got people who have told me that. I don't contact many people, even though I should, and I'd want to, but I go through the conversations in my head, and stop before I even start. I have lost all contact to some people I still think are some of best friends I've ever had. That I got reminded today morning, when Facebook memory reminded me of something.

To put full circle now, am I a failure? In my head I am, and I have no trust of getting myself to really finish anything. There are people who always tell me I can do it, but in the end, only one in the way, is me. And I don't seem to get out of the way any time soon. I need something to have passion in, like I've had in video games for so long, but it needs to be something that really helps me getting forward, something that helps me getting my personal life to move. I'm on a rollercoaster stuck in bottom of a hill, and I need myself to push it back up, but I might not (and I know I don't need to) do it by myself.