I have for long played video games just to "turn off my thoughts" for a while, and feel good, or even ok for a while. This is right now just getting harder and harder, and video games don't seem to give me anything anymore. Mainly because I don't feel like I'm good in any games anymore. I spend hours and hours per day just not doing anything (usually means watching true crime or some stupid comedy films for hundredth time). I just don't enjoy games anymore... or anything in that matter.
I have started therapy for my depression and social anxiety and stuff, but right now I'm just thinking, will it even help me, because I don't know myself what I'm looking for from it. I have no idea what I want, I don't know what I want from my future, or from tomorrow, or from rest of today. I'm just mentally not in a good place. The stuff that gave me some pleasure and happiness earlier, don't seem to give me anything anymore. They are just way to make time go past.
On social anxiety stand point, I have social anxiety, but I also am dependent on people, meaning that I get mental health from seeing other people, and/or making them happy and stuff like that. That is a mix that will make my mental health worse probably through rest of my life. Covid situation cancelled every event I had to see people I see very rarely anyways, and the fact that I am very awkward in social situations, if there isn't anything to do when meeting people, makes it almost impossible to set up meetings without some events.
I don't see anything in my future right now. I have no passion on anything, and I need the passion to get any motivation to do anything. I rarely see myself as anything else but a failure, although by many facts, I know that factually it's not true. My mind just doesn't believe that. If you ask me where I see myself in 10 years, I wouldn't know, probably in worst times, the answer would be "in grave". As sad as that sounds, I am not suicidal, I don't wanna die; I just would love to get a reason to be alive. That's the thing I am missing most at the moment. A reason to be here. A WHY.
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