I got a job, yay. I finally have an income, yay... I still am not happy.
I'm a mess, I have been for a long time, and I will be for a long time. I'm writing this at 4am... on Monday... work starts at 9am at the latest. I can't sleep, too many thoughts. Why am I so awkward in social situations? Why am I like this? I live my life to keep other people happy, not myself. I don't care about myself, because I can't say a bad word. I can't make other people mad, without it killing me from the inside. I have probably written about this before, but I don't care. This puts me in so many difficult situations daily.
I'm losing friends, I'm losing communities, I'm losing myself in the progress. Why? Because I say stupid things, or because I am a too emotional mess. I tend to get mad in the smallest things, I am emotional, and for some reason that turns against me most of the times. If I'm having a bad day, I can snap at any moment, at anyone. And that's the #1 thing I'm always afraid of, and the #1 reason I can't start a conversation, even with my closest friends, on any deep matter. Deep talks are something I'd need, I have had them a lot more in my past, but now, I'm too scared. If I snap, I might lose it all. I might lose the most important asset in my life. You. The other people. So I just flee from situations, and in the progress leave everything inside my own little head. I envy people who have friends, and who can easily be and talk with their friends. I haven't had that kind of friendship like ever, and the reason is, I'm not easy on myself. I make everything hard. Everything I do, everything I say, everything I am... Everything I might do or say... EVERYTHING.
I finally got a job, after a long time trying to find something, and still, I'm like this. Because I need people. Work brings be some new people, but I don't want new people, I want old people back, I want old people closer. I'm bad with new people, but I am also not good with old friends. I am a bad friend, I know I am because I never talk, I never do anything. I always just think, how cool it could be, if I'd be like that. I'm always planning in my head all kinds of cool things I could do with friends if only someone asked because I can't be the one asking people. Because in my head, I'm just an awkward introvert person to everyone. I'm nothing. I'm just another face in the crowd. Another problem has been the financial side because I never have money to do anything because nothing is free in life. Especially when it comes to having fun with friends, or having fun in general really. At least that side is getting a fix (hopefully) now, that I finally got a job.
I fight my own fights in my own head. I tend to try to just not do it, but every now and then, the fights will happen, and they are fierce every time. They paralyze me. I can apologize in advance to everything I'll say when I'm on the edge. If I snap, anything can happen, and no one is safe. And sometimes, it doesn't take that much for me to snap. When I snap online, it will be bad words, it will be something not suitable for kids. When I snap offline, it's usually just me fleeing, before I hurt anyone's feelings, even if they'd deserve it. It doesn't take too much to get under my skin, and the one big thing that always will do it is adding fuel to the fire when someone has already hurt their feelings. That will always get me snapped, and then it gets everyone to hate me. That's how life goes.
But honestly speaking, life will never be easy, and I understand and accept that. If someone or something makes me mad, I flee and damage only my brain, rather than damage anyone or anything else. It's just me, it doesn't matter.
I'm a mess, I have been for a long time, and I will be for a long time. I'm writing this at 4am... on Monday... work starts at 9am at the latest. I can't sleep, too many thoughts. Why am I so awkward in social situations? Why am I like this? I live my life to keep other people happy, not myself. I don't care about myself, because I can't say a bad word. I can't make other people mad, without it killing me from the inside. I have probably written about this before, but I don't care. This puts me in so many difficult situations daily.
I'm losing friends, I'm losing communities, I'm losing myself in the progress. Why? Because I say stupid things, or because I am a too emotional mess. I tend to get mad in the smallest things, I am emotional, and for some reason that turns against me most of the times. If I'm having a bad day, I can snap at any moment, at anyone. And that's the #1 thing I'm always afraid of, and the #1 reason I can't start a conversation, even with my closest friends, on any deep matter. Deep talks are something I'd need, I have had them a lot more in my past, but now, I'm too scared. If I snap, I might lose it all. I might lose the most important asset in my life. You. The other people. So I just flee from situations, and in the progress leave everything inside my own little head. I envy people who have friends, and who can easily be and talk with their friends. I haven't had that kind of friendship like ever, and the reason is, I'm not easy on myself. I make everything hard. Everything I do, everything I say, everything I am... Everything I might do or say... EVERYTHING.
I finally got a job, after a long time trying to find something, and still, I'm like this. Because I need people. Work brings be some new people, but I don't want new people, I want old people back, I want old people closer. I'm bad with new people, but I am also not good with old friends. I am a bad friend, I know I am because I never talk, I never do anything. I always just think, how cool it could be, if I'd be like that. I'm always planning in my head all kinds of cool things I could do with friends if only someone asked because I can't be the one asking people. Because in my head, I'm just an awkward introvert person to everyone. I'm nothing. I'm just another face in the crowd. Another problem has been the financial side because I never have money to do anything because nothing is free in life. Especially when it comes to having fun with friends, or having fun in general really. At least that side is getting a fix (hopefully) now, that I finally got a job.
I fight my own fights in my own head. I tend to try to just not do it, but every now and then, the fights will happen, and they are fierce every time. They paralyze me. I can apologize in advance to everything I'll say when I'm on the edge. If I snap, anything can happen, and no one is safe. And sometimes, it doesn't take that much for me to snap. When I snap online, it will be bad words, it will be something not suitable for kids. When I snap offline, it's usually just me fleeing, before I hurt anyone's feelings, even if they'd deserve it. It doesn't take too much to get under my skin, and the one big thing that always will do it is adding fuel to the fire when someone has already hurt their feelings. That will always get me snapped, and then it gets everyone to hate me. That's how life goes.
But honestly speaking, life will never be easy, and I understand and accept that. If someone or something makes me mad, I flee and damage only my brain, rather than damage anyone or anything else. It's just me, it doesn't matter.
