Mediocre depression, social phobia, social anxiety… That's just some of the diagnoses I have. I could even currently say, my depression could be severe. I get actually nothing done at home. I can do the work shifts fine, and after that I get absolutely nothing done.
I'm done acting like I would be better, I am not. I am going quickly downhill on this spiral, day after day. Alone at home everyday, and no energy to even try to do something about it. There is also very much less social life online too than before, but that's also something I have no one else but myself to blame, because there really is just no energy to try to be social. It also goes together with the social anxiety part; scared to talk to people, scared of saying something wrong, scared of losing them… and in the process losing them all because of not saying anything.
Another thing in the loneliness is that, even though I like being alone, introvert and all, my love language is physical touch, and same goes with the platonic love too, so between friends. I'm bad at talking, I'm bad at keeping touch, I just want a hug. I want someone to just be, even quiet, close to me. It's not like the great online friends I do have would be meaningless, but they can't compensate it all.
But again, to that too, it comes together with social phobia and anxiety... I don't go out, I don't go to places, I don't like going out to meet people... It's all a big conflict in my brain; I want to be more social, I want physical touch, I want to be close to people, but also I'm "scared" to go out to do any of that. In work mode I am fine. I work currently as robot vehicle safety operator, so I have contact with customers almost daily, and that's fine, it's work. I can switch to the work mode. But when I switch off from it, I can't do anything social. I am scared of being judged, I am scared of doing something wrong... And at times, I am anxious of people around me.
I keep telling myself, that getting steady financial status (getting work) would help me with my life, but I got a feeling it won't. It will help somewhat for sure, but it won't fix the bigger picture. Also, some of the people online could think I am not any of these things I say, because my online persona is very different, because it's easier to be myself online than offline. Online I could say pretty much anything, obviously as a people pleaser though trying to not make anyone mad or sad, but offline, I will just go with what everyone else says.
Love life? Yeah it isn't there. I can say I have crushes, I get crushes easily and quickly, but I will next to never act on them, because "I'm not good enough anyway". This is something I rarely talk about publically. I keep getting told how great person I am, how great friend I am, how someone would be lucky to know me; but none of that really shows.
TLDR; to this blog: I NEED A HUG.
