Monday, June 22, 2015

What have I done wrong?

The question in the title is the one I ask myself lots of times... per day. That's because I can't help blaiming myself of the fact that I'm lonely. To generalize, only times when people come talk to me, is when they need something. At least that's how it feels like. If I want any other conversation, I need to start it; and because I'm shit at working out any topics to talk about, I don't have any conversations. Of course there are some people who talk to me, but I just can't help to think, what have I done wrong, when people, who I talked with daily earlier, rarely talk to me at all.

I know I'm not easiest person to contact with, because I am cynical piece of shit, so to say. But that's something I can't really change; or I could, but I won't, because that's part of me. I am negative on lots of things. I can't know all the reasons, but biggest reasons come from my past.

Some of you might call me attention whore now. No, that's not what I'm doing. I don't want anyone to have contact on me just because of what I write. I'm just wondering why people don't talk to me. My life is on stall at the moment, I'm not going forward as things stand right now. In two months time, I've hopefully moved to Kouvola. I am trying to get to rehabilitation, to get myself to work, or to do anything really. I'll probably take year off studies, so I need something. I can't just lay on the bed all day every day; my gf would kick me out. I have been like that for long time now really, and even I can't handle it. I have stress for multiple reasons, economical issues being the largest. I am genuinely hoping for that lottery jackpot, so the stress would go away.

I am still same person that I was a year ago; only change being that I'm in relationship now. It doesn't change much, for now, in my everyday life, until we move together. Still, somehow almost every contact I had year ago, has disappeared. Partly because I don't contact lots of people, partly because I don't get contacted. Yes, I've got new contacts and friends after that, but still, I can't stop thinking, what have I done wrong to lose the old ones. Different interests might be one thing, but that's one thing I have with everyone, because I don't have any clear interests. Even if I have different interests with someone, that doesn't mean we couldn't talk.

But as I said earlier, don't talk to me if you don't want to; but I would just want to know why I am left alone. This was written when I was down deep, so it might come out little harsh on some points, but this is who I am right now. Talk to me, if you want to have contact with me. If you want to be part of my life, make some effort on it from your end, I won't start every conversation. Thank you and have a great summer, or so.