Saturday, May 7, 2016

LanTrek '16 and updates

This week went by at Tampere in LanTrek '16 LAN event. 4th time there, and it was good, but been better. Probably timing of the event was worse, because didn't meet that many friends there, but still good to see the few I see once or twice a year at most. But bad part of this, those few times a year are only times I can see they are my friends. To be honest, I'm starting to doubt if some of them are even really my friends. People are being nice to me at meet-ups IRL, but then it's half a year of no contacting at all.

I push myself to contact some people for few days, or even more, and then I get ignored when I finally get the courage to say something. Maybe people are that busy every time I contact them just to have someone to talk to, but still they could say something back. I get answers if I ask people something, and I get contacted when I'm needed in something. I'm hard to contact, I can give you that, because I suck at small talk, and if there's anything 'wrong' I could say to make other person mad, I say nothing. I'm too kind at times and that affects my social life in negative way.

There are some people I think about every single day; thinking that I should send them a message, but because of overthinking the whole conversation (which never ends up in positive way), or pre-assuming I'll be ignored, I just can't start the conversation, and then I just get mad at myself and life because of the fact that I'm afraid to talk. I dislike myself, that's a fact. There's very few things I can really say that I like about myself. That probably comes from the fact that I rarely got a praise when I was young, and now I take every praise as sarcasm.

Almost everytime when I have long convo in my head about someone I should talk to, it ends up with me telling myself he/she hates me and just acts that I'm a friend to them. When only a few (you are important ♥ ) people take the step to talk to me, it takes away my motivation to talk to them. When at LanTrek I had company, I had a group that I felt I was part of, but then it stopped the day the event ended.

The feeling of loneliness and being not liked just got bigger two weeks ago when my gf was on holiday for two weeks. Those two weeks were long, even though I spent almost a week of that at my parents'. I spent them alone at home, playing video games with some random people that might be my friends in good days, but who don't know anything about me. Then the people I can, or at least could a year back, call friends, were nowhere to be seen. I tried to stream, with no luck of having anyone watching. That ate my motivation wholy. I spent few days after that just laying down watching stupid shows on TV and playing NHL and FIFA for 6 hours straight. My motivation at life was down to zero at points, because I get nothing going. I need something more in my life than watching tv and playing with my girlfriend.

No luck with job-finding for summer, no plans at all for summer, seems like it's gonna be long summer with few meet-ups. Assembly is coming up, but we'll see if I even go there, last few weren't really worth it, other than the few hugs from good friends. Will see if people get me motivated enough to go there, because they (read you) are the only reason I really even go to those things. My online friends are only people I have in my life apart from my GF, and they are getting further and further away every day, until they get close for few days at some event, and then get back to getting away.

I don't really know what I should do with my life right now. I can't see myself getting up and running for studying after summer, or during summer, if I have nothing to do in summer. I was on top of the hill about a year ago, but I'm going back down, thanks to myself being difficult.

Thank you anyways to everyone at LanTrek, it was nice event once again anyhow. And thanks for everyone who tries to contact me even some times. You are important. ♥