I'm a mess

I got a job, yay. I finally have an income, yay... I still am not happy.

I'm a mess, I have been for a long time, and I will be for a long time. I'm writing this at 4am... on Monday... work starts at 9am at the latest. I can't sleep, too many thoughts. Why am I so awkward in social situations? Why am I like this? I live my life to keep other people happy, not myself. I don't care about myself, because I can't say a bad word. I can't make other people mad, without it killing me from the inside. I have probably written about this before, but I don't care. This puts me in so many difficult situations daily.

I'm losing friends, I'm losing communities, I'm losing myself in the progress. Why? Because I say stupid things, or because I am a too emotional mess. I tend to get mad in the smallest things, I am emotional, and for some reason that turns against me most of the times. If I'm having a bad day, I can snap at any moment, at anyone. And that's the #1 thing I'm always afraid of, and the #1 reason I can't start a conversation, even with my closest friends, on any deep matter. Deep talks are something I'd need, I have had them a lot more in my past, but now, I'm too scared. If I snap, I might lose it all. I might lose the most important asset in my life. You. The other people. So I just flee from situations, and in the progress leave everything inside my own little head. I envy people who have friends, and who can easily be and talk with their friends. I haven't had that kind of friendship like ever, and the reason is, I'm not easy on myself. I make everything hard. Everything I do, everything I say, everything I am... Everything I might do or say... EVERYTHING.

I finally got a job, after a long time trying to find something, and still, I'm like this. Because I need people. Work brings be some new people, but I don't want new people, I want old people back, I want old people closer. I'm bad with new people, but I am also not good with old friends. I am a bad friend, I know I am because I never talk, I never do anything. I always just think, how cool it could be, if I'd be like that. I'm always planning in my head all kinds of cool things I could do with friends if only someone asked because I can't be the one asking people. Because in my head, I'm just an awkward introvert person to everyone. I'm nothing. I'm just another face in the crowd. Another problem has been the financial side because I never have money to do anything because nothing is free in life. Especially when it comes to having fun with friends, or having fun in general really. At least that side is getting a fix (hopefully) now, that I finally got a job.

I fight my own fights in my own head. I tend to try to just not do it, but every now and then, the fights will happen, and they are fierce every time. They paralyze me. I can apologize in advance to everything I'll say when I'm on the edge. If I snap, anything can happen, and no one is safe. And sometimes, it doesn't take that much for me to snap. When I snap online, it will be bad words, it will be something not suitable for kids. When I snap offline, it's usually just me fleeing, before I hurt anyone's feelings, even if they'd deserve it. It doesn't take too much to get under my skin, and the one big thing that always will do it is adding fuel to the fire when someone has already hurt their feelings. That will always get me snapped, and then it gets everyone to hate me. That's how life goes.

But honestly speaking, life will never be easy, and I understand and accept that. If someone or something makes me mad, I flee and damage only my brain, rather than damage anyone or anything else. It's just me, it doesn't matter. 

Shit happens

So, I found a job, and I lost a job, all in 5 days. I applied for a job on Wednesday, went to interview on Thursday, and started on Friday. And now on Monday, I got a call, that I'm not suitable for this job. I'm "too smart" for the job.

I get nothing for getting angry at the employers now, neither does any of you. I just need to keep seeking. At least I got one day's pay. If they feel I'm not suitable for the job, then I'm not. The employer has the right to select employees. I never signed the contract, because the one handling them stuff, wasn't at work on Friday. I could have demanded it then, but I don't really care. I found a job, I lost a job, now I just have to find another.

The thing here is, I got an experience, even if just for a day. I can see the point they're telling me. I'm quiet and peaceful, and therefore I might not be what they want. At least they were being honest with me, and they told me now, not keep me until the end of May and then say it. Yes, it'd had meant more money and more experience, but probably by then, it would have had come out that they don't want me there.

It's just too bad, I'm too smart for these jobs, but not smart enough for the jobs in my area of work... yet. 

I'm sorry that I let you down...

I've let my friends down, I've let my family down... But most of all, I've let myself down. My studies haven't gone forward almost at all for almost 4 years now... I've tried, but the problems have always been in my own head. I can't get the motivation for anything I'm not interested 100% in, and that's problematic when you can't find anything you have passion for. I'm trying to get back to my original major, computer science, but now the first course I've really taken, it's already going backward. I'm kind of interested in the subject, but how the course is run isn't the way that fits me. Forced group work, forced sitting order on lectures... Like what is this, elementary school?

I'm bad in groups, can't lie about that. I'm that one awkward guy that never says anything to anyone, unless spoken to, and the one that says 'yes' to everything and agrees to anything others say. I know I should be able to face my fears of social happenings, but I can't. This is not the only problem in studying, it's a problem in everyday life. I'm secluding from society when it comes to "real life". I still have a good social life online, but when it comes to social happenings or any new unfamiliar people I have to meet, I'm lost, I rather run away than even try to face that.

Another problem I might have right now when it comes to studying is that I took too many courses right away when trying to restart. I need the courses because I need some study credits, but I should remember my own health. I'm still not mentally healthy, I'd lie if I told I was. I should be able to start slow, but the pressure from society and the stress from needed study credits and the fact I have big financial issues (have no income), made me take too much, and last Sunday, I just spent whole night stressing over the studies, and all studies just froze. I just couldn't get anything done. I have 4 active courses as we speak, two of which are just needing last works (one exam, one essay). The essay needs only one more paragraph, but when you need to pick the topic from 4 options, none of which are something I know anything about, I can't get myself started. Brains going overdrive, and that's still the closest deadline.

I'm bad at scheduling my studying. Even if I schedule them, I can't keep on going on schedule. I find excuses just for myself, I don't even have anyone I need to rationalize my choices, but myself. At the same time that I'm very disappointed and angry with myself, I also feel like I'm just getting more and more pressure. I know that pressure is for purpose when it comes to studying. I'd need to either get my life back on track or just try again via sick leave. I don't want to give up, I've already disappointed people and myself enough. I'm a failure as a student. I've been at University for 3 full years, I have studies of about 1 year. The biggest problem is still forced grouping. I want to do stuff myself, I hate social interaction when it comes to studying. Even though I'm bad at self-studying, I still like it way more than forced to schedule studying. I like to learn things, when it comes to Computer Science, I think I found some interest in coding now, but the first course picked brings me down, because it's forced grouping. Nothing against group members, the problem is in myself, but when it comes to coding, I like to learn by doing myself.

I'm a failure in my own head, but I feel like I have hope, I just have to have studies that fit my own wants, by the way, they are run, and by the topics. I think coding might still be it, but this course I just started is not for me... What do I do, how do I do it?

Feels like we're on the edge right now
I wish that I could say I'm proud
I'm sorry that I let you down
Let you down
All these voices in my head get loud
I wish that I could shut them out
I'm sorry that I let you down
L-l-let you down

Why can't life be easy

Why is life so hard? Why am I making it so hard for myself?

I live for friends, I don't live for me, but still, I'm too scared to talk to even my closest friends because I'm scared I'll say something wrong. I'm gonna apologize to everyone who I have ignored and haven't talked to, the reason is that I'm too scared.

I'm not ok, I would lie if I said otherwise. I'm depressed, and I'm lost. I have no passion, I have no finances, I have no... life. I can't keep living on a lie anymore. I have to either let go of everything and give up on hopes of getting back for a while and just get to sick leave. I don't want to, because I am getting older, and I get kicked down mentally every time I see some people succeed in life, and get something done. I'm jealous, one can say that. That one isn't wrong. I'm jealous of people who get stuff done when I'm just staring at chat windows, emails, study papers, and getting nothing done.

I'm hesitant on getting professional help, because I don't trust them, or myself, enough to think they would help. I've had three different therapeutic relationships, none of which have really seem to have done anything, and mostly because I'm hesitant. For some reason, I'd want to see help from friends rather than pros. I have friends that I can believe to be there for me, but then they can be gone in seconds because I'm so bad at words and talking.

At least LanTrek is coming up, I can see some of my friends I see 1-3 times a year at most. I can just hope they want to see me because I rarely see anything visible showing that. I'm feeling like I'm the one always getting ignored when I want to be seen, and then when I say it, I get kicked down or even dropped out of lives. LanTrek is the one possible venue to see even some of the people who mean the world to me. I wish there were more of them, but what can you do, people tend to have more interest in other happenings.

Life is harsh, it hit me hard before Christmas; I heard my sister tried to commit suicide. I didn't see it coming, even though I probably should have. Even tho we aren't too close, it hit me harder than I thought. Thinking back to times when I was standing very little off the edge of doing it myself, I can't stop thinking "what if". I had one person who saved me back then, and she's still one of the very few I can really trust.

Every friend means the world to me, everybody who is there reading this means a lot. I live for other people, I smile when they smile. But I'm losing trust in what people say because it's never seen visibly.

Friendship isn't seeing and talking daily, or even monthly or yearly. That's what I get said, and I know that I think like that too, but every time I see some people having fun with their friends, I can't stop thinking why there are so few people for me. My trust issues go way back, I haven't been able to trust anything people say since elementary, until just a few years ago. It's still hard, and that's why I like to write these things publicly.

I'm a chicken when it comes to talking to people. I'm scared I say something wrong, I'm scared of acting stupid. I'm scared people hate me because I hate myself. It is not just dislike anymore, it's pure hatred. I should've been doing studying, I was supposed to get back to life after the last rehab that ended last autumn. I am studying at the moment. I need study credits to get aid back. Then I can start at 0. But I need that. I need to get myself to the point of wanting to do something with my life. I have dreams, but sadly most of them require big finances. I don't have dreams of what I want to do with my life, where I want to work. I have too big dreams because I have no passion for anything that could get me money. I spend days staring at screens, mentally lost in trying to talk to the dearest and most important people, trying to study, trying to find something that interests me enough to make living out of it. I... just... can't...

Life's too hard. But it's like that to everyone. I just need to get brave and strong enough to overcome even some of the difficulties. But I'm not there yet. But I don't want to give up and fall back to nothing.... again.