Why is life so hard? Why am I making it so hard for myself?
I live for friends, I don't live for me, but still, I'm too scared to talk to even my closest friends because I'm scared I'll say something wrong. I'm gonna apologize to everyone who I have ignored and haven't talked to, the reason is that I'm too scared.
I'm not ok, I would lie if I said otherwise. I'm depressed, and I'm lost. I have no passion, I have no finances, I have no... life. I can't keep living on a lie anymore. I have to either let go of everything and give up on hopes of getting back for a while and just get to sick leave. I don't want to, because I am getting older, and I get kicked down mentally every time I see some people succeed in life, and get something done. I'm jealous, one can say that. That one isn't wrong. I'm jealous of people who get stuff done when I'm just staring at chat windows, emails, study papers, and getting nothing done.
I'm hesitant on getting professional help, because I don't trust them, or myself, enough to think they would help. I've had three different therapeutic relationships, none of which have really seem to have done anything, and mostly because I'm hesitant. For some reason, I'd want to see help from friends rather than pros. I have friends that I can believe to be there for me, but then they can be gone in seconds because I'm so bad at words and talking.
At least LanTrek is coming up, I can see some of my friends I see 1-3 times a year at most. I can just hope they want to see me because I rarely see anything visible showing that. I'm feeling like I'm the one always getting ignored when I want to be seen, and then when I say it, I get kicked down or even dropped out of lives. LanTrek is the one possible venue to see even some of the people who mean the world to me. I wish there were more of them, but what can you do, people tend to have more interest in other happenings.
Life is harsh, it hit me hard before Christmas; I heard my sister tried to commit suicide. I didn't see it coming, even though I probably should have. Even tho we aren't too close, it hit me harder than I thought. Thinking back to times when I was standing very little off the edge of doing it myself, I can't stop thinking "what if". I had one person who saved me back then, and she's still one of the very few I can really trust.
Every friend means the world to me, everybody who is there reading this means a lot. I live for other people, I smile when they smile. But I'm losing trust in what people say because it's never seen visibly.
Friendship isn't seeing and talking daily, or even monthly or yearly. That's what I get said, and I know that I think like that too, but every time I see some people having fun with their friends, I can't stop thinking why there are so few people for me. My trust issues go way back, I haven't been able to trust anything people say since elementary, until just a few years ago. It's still hard, and that's why I like to write these things publicly.
I'm a chicken when it comes to talking to people. I'm scared I say something wrong, I'm scared of acting stupid. I'm scared people hate me because I hate myself. It is not just dislike anymore, it's pure hatred. I should've been doing studying, I was supposed to get back to life after the last rehab that ended last autumn. I am studying at the moment. I need study credits to get aid back. Then I can start at 0. But I need that. I need to get myself to the point of wanting to do something with my life. I have dreams, but sadly most of them require big finances. I don't have dreams of what I want to do with my life, where I want to work. I have too big dreams because I have no passion for anything that could get me money. I spend days staring at screens, mentally lost in trying to talk to the dearest and most important people, trying to study, trying to find something that interests me enough to make living out of it. I... just... can't...
Life's too hard. But it's like that to everyone. I just need to get brave and strong enough to overcome even some of the difficulties. But I'm not there yet. But I don't want to give up and fall back to nothing.... again.
I live for friends, I don't live for me, but still, I'm too scared to talk to even my closest friends because I'm scared I'll say something wrong. I'm gonna apologize to everyone who I have ignored and haven't talked to, the reason is that I'm too scared.
I'm not ok, I would lie if I said otherwise. I'm depressed, and I'm lost. I have no passion, I have no finances, I have no... life. I can't keep living on a lie anymore. I have to either let go of everything and give up on hopes of getting back for a while and just get to sick leave. I don't want to, because I am getting older, and I get kicked down mentally every time I see some people succeed in life, and get something done. I'm jealous, one can say that. That one isn't wrong. I'm jealous of people who get stuff done when I'm just staring at chat windows, emails, study papers, and getting nothing done.
I'm hesitant on getting professional help, because I don't trust them, or myself, enough to think they would help. I've had three different therapeutic relationships, none of which have really seem to have done anything, and mostly because I'm hesitant. For some reason, I'd want to see help from friends rather than pros. I have friends that I can believe to be there for me, but then they can be gone in seconds because I'm so bad at words and talking.
At least LanTrek is coming up, I can see some of my friends I see 1-3 times a year at most. I can just hope they want to see me because I rarely see anything visible showing that. I'm feeling like I'm the one always getting ignored when I want to be seen, and then when I say it, I get kicked down or even dropped out of lives. LanTrek is the one possible venue to see even some of the people who mean the world to me. I wish there were more of them, but what can you do, people tend to have more interest in other happenings.
Life is harsh, it hit me hard before Christmas; I heard my sister tried to commit suicide. I didn't see it coming, even though I probably should have. Even tho we aren't too close, it hit me harder than I thought. Thinking back to times when I was standing very little off the edge of doing it myself, I can't stop thinking "what if". I had one person who saved me back then, and she's still one of the very few I can really trust.
Every friend means the world to me, everybody who is there reading this means a lot. I live for other people, I smile when they smile. But I'm losing trust in what people say because it's never seen visibly.
Friendship isn't seeing and talking daily, or even monthly or yearly. That's what I get said, and I know that I think like that too, but every time I see some people having fun with their friends, I can't stop thinking why there are so few people for me. My trust issues go way back, I haven't been able to trust anything people say since elementary, until just a few years ago. It's still hard, and that's why I like to write these things publicly.
I'm a chicken when it comes to talking to people. I'm scared I say something wrong, I'm scared of acting stupid. I'm scared people hate me because I hate myself. It is not just dislike anymore, it's pure hatred. I should've been doing studying, I was supposed to get back to life after the last rehab that ended last autumn. I am studying at the moment. I need study credits to get aid back. Then I can start at 0. But I need that. I need to get myself to the point of wanting to do something with my life. I have dreams, but sadly most of them require big finances. I don't have dreams of what I want to do with my life, where I want to work. I have too big dreams because I have no passion for anything that could get me money. I spend days staring at screens, mentally lost in trying to talk to the dearest and most important people, trying to study, trying to find something that interests me enough to make living out of it. I... just... can't...
Life's too hard. But it's like that to everyone. I just need to get brave and strong enough to overcome even some of the difficulties. But I'm not there yet. But I don't want to give up and fall back to nothing.... again.
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