Tuesday, March 13, 2018

I'm sorry that I let you down...

I've let my friends down, I've let my family down... But most of all, I've let myself down. My studies haven't gone forward almost at all for almost 4 years now... I've tried, but the problems have always been in my own head. I can't get the motivation for anything I'm not interested 100% in, and that's problematic when you can't find anything you have passion for. I'm trying to get back to my original major, computer science, but now the first course I've really taken, it's already going backward. I'm kind of interested in the subject, but how the course is run isn't the way that fits me. Forced group work, forced sitting order on lectures... Like what is this, elementary school?

I'm bad in groups, can't lie about that. I'm that one awkward guy that never says anything to anyone, unless spoken to, and the one that says 'yes' to everything and agrees to anything others say. I know I should be able to face my fears of social happenings, but I can't. This is not the only problem in studying, it's a problem in everyday life. I'm secluding from society when it comes to "real life". I still have a good social life online, but when it comes to social happenings or any new unfamiliar people I have to meet, I'm lost, I rather run away than even try to face that.

Another problem I might have right now when it comes to studying is that I took too many courses right away when trying to restart. I need the courses because I need some study credits, but I should remember my own health. I'm still not mentally healthy, I'd lie if I told I was. I should be able to start slow, but the pressure from society and the stress from needed study credits and the fact I have big financial issues (have no income), made me take too much, and last Sunday, I just spent whole night stressing over the studies, and all studies just froze. I just couldn't get anything done. I have 4 active courses as we speak, two of which are just needing last works (one exam, one essay). The essay needs only one more paragraph, but when you need to pick the topic from 4 options, none of which are something I know anything about, I can't get myself started. Brains going overdrive, and that's still the closest deadline.

I'm bad at scheduling my studying. Even if I schedule them, I can't keep on going on schedule. I find excuses just for myself, I don't even have anyone I need to rationalize my choices, but myself. At the same time that I'm very disappointed and angry with myself, I also feel like I'm just getting more and more pressure. I know that pressure is for purpose when it comes to studying. I'd need to either get my life back on track or just try again via sick leave. I don't want to give up, I've already disappointed people and myself enough. I'm a failure as a student. I've been at University for 3 full years, I have studies of about 1 year. The biggest problem is still forced grouping. I want to do stuff myself, I hate social interaction when it comes to studying. Even though I'm bad at self-studying, I still like it way more than forced to schedule studying. I like to learn things, when it comes to Computer Science, I think I found some interest in coding now, but the first course picked brings me down, because it's forced grouping. Nothing against group members, the problem is in myself, but when it comes to coding, I like to learn by doing myself.

I'm a failure in my own head, but I feel like I have hope, I just have to have studies that fit my own wants, by the way, they are run, and by the topics. I think coding might still be it, but this course I just started is not for me... What do I do, how do I do it?

Feels like we're on the edge right now
I wish that I could say I'm proud
I'm sorry that I let you down
Let you down
All these voices in my head get loud
I wish that I could shut them out
I'm sorry that I let you down
L-l-let you down

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