Monday, April 13, 2015

Update 20150413

Did you know that being unaware of your future is great? Me neither. Because it isn't. I can't plan anything, because I don't even know what will happen next week. I'm waiting for mail from the Social Insurance Institution (KELA) to know whether or not I get my sickness benefit for this month or not. Been waiting for too long. Also, I need to go to visit KELA anyway soon, to go and find out if I can get rehabilitation from there, to get trial jobs, and to get my life back on, or at least do something with my life. At the moment, I do absolutely nothing, everyday.

I was just re-diagnosed with moderate depression, and therefore I'm going for sick leave now, and probably/hopefully for rehabilitation as soon as possible. I need a rhythm, and because of my situation, getting job would be hard, and I can't study, I just can't get any motivation to it, and therefore I can't get forward with studies. And now, my days consists of doing nothing, and staring at TV or computer screen all day. My sleep schedule sucks too, because my brain doesn't let me sleep. Too many thoughts every single night 'cause me to have very little sleep.

Also one thing that's bringing me down at the moment, is the fact that I'm almost always alone. I am dependent on people, which was noted again after Easter weekend, when I was with my gf, and also saw couple of friends when we visited Helsinki. After it, I have been feeling very down, because I have no one. Even online, it's been quiet. Rarely people come talk to me, and I'm not good at starting conversations, because I can't find any topics to talk about, and I hate awkward silences and endings of conversations. I would love to talk to people more, but I just can't. I always think for half an hour before I can even say hi to someone, because I overthink whole conversation, and all the thoughts of the person I'm talking with. This causes me to not even start conversations. One another thing I need, is gaming company; I can't get myself any motivation to play games alone, and I don't play the most usual games, like LoL or CS or RuneScape, so finding people to play with is hard. And even if I have games in common with someone, it's unlikely for them to want to play them with me; maybe because we have played it through, or because they are playing something else with someone else. My only social come-together during days are stream chats, and some rare chats with people elsewhere. I could say that stream chats are my life, or at least one of them. Won't name it here, but the person I'm talking about knows, and most of the people who know me anyway.

Last thing I'm gonna tell you in this, is the fact, that I most probably have move coming up. I will move to Kouvola probably before, or during summer, if everything goes as planned. The reason why I move to Kouvola is solely my GF. She lives there, and getting closer to her could make my mental health better. Also, the reason why I can even think about moving, is the fact, that I'm 99% sure, I won't be continuing studies for next year; I will take year off studies, hopefully get to trial jobs via KELA, or then just try to get some work on other ways.

PS: This picture is working as a metaphor for unawareness