Thursday, February 11, 2016

Do I belong?

SUOMEKSI this post is translated from Finnish - might not have perfect grammar

Do I belong anywhere? This is what I thought about last night, and what it means is that I've been starting to feel, that I'm not in any group, but I'm only part of groups, and if I weren't there, nobody would even notice. I noticed that partly at Assembly LAN party, where I was walking around with some people, but that's it; people moved from place to place quickly, and few times, I ended up sitting alone with my GF. I'm not that social myself, and that's part of the problem, but I still want to feel like I'm really part of even one group. It's same online right now; I'm not noticed, and it feels that if I disappeared, it wouldn't be noted, people would just continue in normal way. I'm outsider, even as part of a community.

At the same time, I've thought why am I even here? I became SoMe addict, because I could be more "me" in here than in real life, but now I feel, that there's no one here anymore. My personal life also isn't moving forward at the moment. I'm seeking for job, passively, but there's no job to be seen. And I know, it's partly my own fault, because I can't get myself to go ask for job face to face, because it's too big step for me, because I'm shy and unsocial. That gives me stress, because I have no idea how I get money to live. At this moment 100% of my income is from social aid, and I don't want it to be like that. I want a job, but I can't get one, and I want a motivation to study, but nothing interests me.

One more thing from Assembly: At the end of LANs, I was sent to go get a trolley for the group... I waited for one to free for about half an hour, and guess what: the group I was getting it for, had already got one from elsewhere during that time, and of course, no one told me.. And then I just walked back to the door with empty trolley. It can seem like small thing for lot of you, but it annoyed me pretty much even then. It just makes the feel that I'm outsider even bigger in my head... I'm not even remembered. Yes, it's wrong way to think, but that's how it goes in my head. Assembly was great happening for me again, because I don't see people that often, but once again, was it worth it? I live for my friends, but is it worth it? Thank you anyway for all of the people who spent time with me in there, you are wonderful ♥.