I'm in a dark place… Darker than in a long time. And I really can't blame no one else but me. Everything that makes me feel bad about myself and about life, is all my own fault. I have no money, because I can't get myself to do anything clever with my life. I have no IRL friends because my social anxiety stops me from going anywhere. I have no will to live, because I can't see any reason to live in here.
I don't wanna die, I don't wanna harm myself, but I don't want to live. Or maybe more than that, I want a reset button for my life. My life is list of failures, albeit I got to university twice, I have also failed it twice now, or am close to failing it the second time at least.
When it comes to using money, I am bad with it, I can't lie about it. I use more money than I have, because everything that makes me feel even a bit happier, costs money, and because of my life situation, I have no income, so where is that money coming from?
LanTrek tickets are coming available today. Won't be buying them for a while though, but I will be there, no matter what. That's the one thing I can say for certain for my future. I will be there, if I am alive and physically healthy. That will be the one happening, that I have chance to see my most important friends, assuming that they will be there of course.
When it comes to mental health, I now do have psychotherapist, so it might be moving forward to better, but I can't keep myself from doubting that it's too late. I am in too deep. I… Yeah.
Christmas is coming, so happy holidays to everyone who celebrates it. I will be in Lapland with family, so might not be in social media that much. Hope you all have great time with family and/or friends, or whoever you are celebrating Christmas with.
Also, thank you to all of you who have been with me through all these years. The people who actually have tolerated my bad moods, and been there for me. There aren't a lot of you, but I just want you to know, I really appreciate you all. Without you, I'd probably be in worse place already. You keep me sane, at least somewhat.
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