I have lately noticed, how much people have abused my kindness in the past. The fact that it's hard for me to say no, and I much rather just accept everything, is easy thing to be abused, but it's painful to understand it afterwards. My kindness comes from the fact, that I put everyone else before myself. So if someone asks me to do something, I will most likely say yes, to make them happy, no matter how bad it might make me feel. It also saves me from conflicts and arguments with other people, because I am a "yes man". Kindness is a trait that I actually like about myself, but too much is too much in this as well. You can be too kind, to the level that it hurts yourself more than it helps others.
Along with this, I absolutely hate conflicts around me. Even a small argument about something absolutely meaningless, will drain my mental stamina to zero in no time. This I noticed when road tripping with family last two weeks. Smallest of things causing my head to burst, and my "fight or flight" instinct kicks in... And there isn't really "fight" in that instinct on me. I just want to get out. If people are fighting or arguing around me, I will close myself out of the place mentally, almost instantly. But then there comes the overthinking: "Should I do something about this?", "Is there anything I can do to help this?", "Did I cause this?"... Usually the answer is "no", but my brain doesn't find it quickly.
Another update on my current situation; my mental health is going down at the moment. I am deep down most of the nights, even with ongoing therapy. I am probably ending my studies (again), and trying to get myself into some work... If only any employee would hire a uneducated man with almost no work experience. But will see how that goes in not too long time, hopefully. I was volunteering at IIHF World Champs, as a "chauffeur", and it was fun, and I could see that as a career, but then came the diagnose of sleep apnea, that put my professional driver career hopes at least on pause. I will get treatment gear in little over a month for that, and I hope I will have big positive effects from that, that might also help my mental health, and get myself to do more stuff on daily basis.
I will be continuing volunteering at Assembly Summer in under two weeks, but that is a thing that is "scaring" me a bit... Mainly because I have no idea what I will do there, and my own head keeps telling me, that whatever it is, I will fail it. I have been arguing with my brain telling me to not go at all, but then again I can see the fact that it might be very nice experience too. And as Assembly events are only places I actually see most of my friends on yearly basis, I don't want to miss it... And if I don't go as a volunteer, my current money situation won't let me go at all.
Nonetheless, I will do my best to survive this downfall again; I did it in the past already. I'm hitting new lows, and lately been thinking about "How long it would take until someone would notice, if I just disappeared completely?"... And the answer my own brain gives, is years.
But, to end on happier note, if anyone reading this notices me at Assembly, feel free to say hi. I am socially awkward, so I might not be fluent to start conversation, but I will at least say hi, and give a hug if you want one. I still love you all, even if my brain tells me no one loves me! <3
No comments:
Post a Comment