I'm broke(n)

TW: Subjects of depression and suicide, don't read if you are sensitive for these subjects

Another note: Text is not proofread, and it has been written by what comes to mind, so please try to ignore possible jumps in subjects and possible typos. 

Hello! 

Been a long while since I last blogged; over 2 years actually... Not a lot has changed, except for the fact that I am in a slump mentally, financially, and even health-wise... kinda. 

So little background.. I have been unemployed for last 9 months, I have been depressed for last 20 years (more or less), I have gone through multiple rehabs and have gone through 3 year therapy; Did they help? Maybe. I wouldn't know because I haven't been good mental health wise ever in my adult life. Would I have been way worse without the professional help? Maybe. I have lost hope on it though, and people who know about this stuff, know that if I don't believe in it, it will never help me. 

My depression is not really connected to my lack of job, in either way; sure it might have played a factor in background, but it's not the main reason why I lost my job, and why I haven't had a new job in all this time. Work market is in a slump, and I am uneducated. I have no degrees since high school, and my job experience is very low for my age. What not having a job does to me though, is that I am getting stuck inside my walls. I have no reason to go anywhere. 

That issue also gets bigger with my social anxiety. I can go to shop, I can see random people like that on streets, on public transports, and even at work, provenly, BUT the social anxiety stops me from making friends, or connecting with people, more than on online chats, which are basically my only lifeline these days. Yes, online friends are very important to me, and they provide me enough happiness to keep me going. However there is a thing they can't do... Physical connection. Most of my most active friendships are from other side of the globe. My old local friendships have disappeared from my life, and I can't blame them for that. And I won't. I still care about them (you?) equally, but my brain is telling me no one cares, because, well no one has showed it.. And I am hypocritic for saying that because I don't connect with anyone. I have lost touch with people; Old gaming groups, friends I used to talk to and play with daily, or even weekly... or even monthly... Have either stopped playing, or just slowly moved on to different groups they better fit in, whilst I was in my lowest and really secluded myself from society. I could find new friends to play with, I even have new friends who have offered to play with me... The issue with that is, that I am scared to join voice chats, or even 1-on-1 chat with even the most close friends. My brain is stopping me by saying that I am just annoying them. Because that's how I see myself. Or at least that's how my brain sees myself. When you hate your own voice, your own mannerisms, your own look, it is not easiest thing to join with random people for first time. 

I stream, almost daily in 2025, because it's only way I can turn off my brain. I can talk on my streams, but I am very awkward, and I know it.. People keep telling me that there's nothing wrong with that, but I know it is not a good thing for streamer. Then again, I never started streaming to get big in it, or even make anything out of it. It has always, for the 13 years I have been doing it, just a way to get out of my own brain. To distract myself. 

Distracting myself from my overthinking is the one thing that is really major in my life. In the past that was done by playing games (mainly CS and Fortnite) with people. Now streaming has taken over for that, and I next to never play games with anyone anymore. Would love to get back to that pre-covid era of playing in pretty much daily basis, but whilst I am very bad at keeping up connections, I am at the same time also very bad at receiving them. And as I already said before, I am very bad at making new friends. And since people have moved on from video games, or just moved on to games I am not interested in, it is what it is. 

My depression... I am in a big slump, been for a while, not least because of being unemployed and always alone (physically), but also because my brain keeps telling me that nobody cares. When I actually take over from my depressed brain, I know people care, but... when I am crying and sitting at my shower floor, yeah that's not what it is. I am bad at putting my depression to words, that is also a reason why my 3-year therapy might not have done as much good for me as it could have. My regular answer to "how are you" is "I am alive... I guess", or "I am alive, so could be worse"... I know those aren't good answers, but those are the realistic ones. I am currently surviving life, not living. Being financially in a slump does wonders to that too. I am never in bad place or really suffering from being completely broke, because of my parents' support, but I currently really need that job. I need that solid income to get rid of even one big problem in my current life. 

Now there is another issue I rarely talk about on here, or anywhere... It's my "love life"... I will be honest on this, I get crushes easily, and I get disappointed easily. Do I act on my crushes? No, for reasons pretty much mentioned above. Would I even want to? Not always, because I know those people "deserve better". The hurtful thing in living my social life fully online is, that whilst people keep telling me how nice I am, and how great friend I am and so on, there's not really anything to show for it physically, and as a person whose main love language (goes with platonic use of "love" as well) is physical touch and being physically close, it's rough. I am lonely in big groups, when it comes to online. 

Now for the darkest part of this... My actual will to live. Now that is rough subject in any level, and saying it out loud is hard for me, because I will never know who will read this. There are people who I don't want to know about this, which is why I next to never straight up talk about it. I am passively suicidal. I have been for last 5 years at least. I was in relationship still 5 years ago, my then-GF doesn't know (if she hasn't picked up from my shares on social media), my family doesn't know, my therapist never got to know (apart from the BDI test answers), my closest friends... well some of them probably have caught up with my posts and reposts on social media, but no one has actually heard those words from me. I am not going to kill myself, I never will, I never could, but I am not going out of my way to survive, so to say. I am not even passively suicidal to the level of "searching" for unsafe situations. It's just passively suicidal on the thought level of "I don't want to be here". I can honestly say only thing keeping me alive and sane currently is some Twitch communities that have actually somehow taken me as part of them. 

Now as per usual, I am writing this at 1am, I am crying, and this text probably has a lot of typos and random jumps from point to point, and I will not proofread it. If you people actually read this, and could understand it (or even if you couldn't to be fair), thank you. And also sorry for making you read through it. I am staying alive, I am (very minimally) hopeful for getting a job for the rest of summer, but... Yeah, will see. I will keep in touch on Twitch, my DMs are always open if you want to talk or ask something about this or anything. Just beware that I might not be able to answer everything, because I have even been writing this text in my head for months. Be patient with me. I also have been told by multiple doctors and my therapist that I am most likely "on the spectrum", or at least have ADD (old term, but I still rather use that than ADHD, because I am not hyperactive). Also that might be the reason why I come up with new stuff to talk about after I already ended this post.. Anyhow, thank you, I love you all, and if you somehow came to conclusion I would be blaming any of you about the social loneliness and all that bullshit, don't. It is 99.9% on me, and that 0.1% is also possibly just statistical error. Thank you, sorry, and have a good time zone.