Sunday, May 24, 2015

Loneliness inside

The feeling of loneliness, when it's not by choice, is one of the saddest feelings there is. At least for me. I am alone most times, and sometimes I'm ok with it, but sometimes, like now when I'm writing this post, it's unbearable. 

Everyone who knows me, knows that my intentions are always keeping everyone happy, but in the same time, I'm really feeling lonely. I'm not starting to beg, but sometimes I just can't stop thinking about the fact, why I don't get any response to it. When I see someone feeling down, I'll atleast try to help them get happier, because seeing sad people is sadder than being sad myself. Sometimes I feel like I never get that same thing back. I have almost no people talking to me, without starting to talk to them. Because of that, I sometimes, or my brain sometimes start to put thoughts to my head: "What have I done wrong? Does anybody care about me?" 

When at the same time I am person, who needs alone time, I also need company. This steps in, when I see lots of other people posting somewhere how happy they are, having fun with friends. Yes, I'm happy for everyone who are happy, it makes me happy to see people happy, but in the background, I feel like I'm only one who doesn't have anyone to have fun with. Gaming-wise, this partly is "own choice", because I don't play the most popular games, so I don't have many games to play with friends. While people might think, why I don't start playing the popular games; the thing for me is, that even good company won't make in my mind shitty games better. I won't play games just for company, so yes, my loneliness is partly my choice. I sometimes "hate" myself for thinking like this, but that's just who I am, and I won't change that. 

Also, going to "real life" meet-ups, LANs and other meetings with people, I have noticed that also with people around, I feel lonely. I am alone in company, because I am partly outsider, in every group. This is partly results from my background of being bullied. I doubt myself, my self-esteem is down, and I overthink what other people think about me, simultaneously lying to myself that I'm bad person.

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