Tuesday, October 13, 2015

What if...


What if I'm doing this wrong? What if I am making total fool of myself?

I am afraid of doing something wrong, big time. That's one thing that stops me at many things; applying for job, talking to people, even doing some household chores. I just can't get my mind off from "what if"-thoughts of everything that can go wrong. I am never first one to go do something, I am follower. I can't do anything, if someone else haven't done it before me.

Everybody makes mistakes, I know that, but somehow it doesn't help me off my fear. My life gets harder every single day, because I can't get myself doing anything I would have to do. If I might do something wrong about something, I won't do it at all, in fear of doing it wrong. That's why I can't just go to stores or workplaces to ask if they have job available, because I might be asking wrong person, or I shouldn't just do it that way.

I don't know if this "fear" is caused by being bullied in the past, but that might be one cause. Other can just be my nature. I'm people pleaser, in big way. I want to make everyone around me happy, and I don't want to harm anyone. That is something I see good about me, but it's also bad at times. Too much is too much, as in everything.

I use this post also to update my life. About three weeks ago, I finally moved to Kouvola, together with my girlfriend. We celebrated our 1st anniversary last week also, so it's been great. It was big step for me, but it also causes some problems, because of my income, which there isn't any. I am looking for job, but as the post above says, it's hard for me to get myself going. I am applying for social aid, when I get papers printed somewhere (don't have printer at our apartment). My girlfriend is in high school, for last year, but she doesn't get study aid, because of her parents' income being too high, and because Finnish student aid system is shit. Until you turn 20, your parents' income affects your aid. And also, study aid is loan-based, so if you want to get needed money for living, you have to get study loan. There's no point in this.

But enough of ranting about Finland's logic, I have to do that in somewhere it might make a change. Altogether, I am getting better, although there are still bad times, but I'll get over them. Have a great fall vacation everyone who has one now, or week from now. Big hugs! :) Stay the way you are

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