New year, old me

 Year 2021 is here, good bye to 2020... Not like it really would matter too much for now. 2020 was harsh on me, and I guess 2021, at least first half of it, won't be any easier. I thought before COVID striked big, that it wouldn't really affect me, because I never go out anyway. Well, how I was wrong. Studies get harder on me, because the reason I decided to try same line of study again, but in different school, was that the school was supposed to be more schedule-based, and teacher-oriented. Now I'm already seeing same problems I had in University when I started there 8 years ago. Another thing that COVID heavily affected on me, was the cancelling of all the events. The only times I had to see my closest online friends, who at the same time are my closest friends. 

Today it has been 7 years since the first LAN party I went to with online friends. At that time, I was struggling heavily with my mental health, and those happenings were only times I really got out of those thoughts. Right now, my mental health is again going heavily downhill, and I am very unstable mentally, which leads to me not wanting to talk to people, because I might snap at any moment, and I can't afford losing any of my dearest friends, I've lost enough of them in the past. This spring period will be very hard studies-wise, but I will try my best to get through it, at least pass everything. But at the same time, I have to remember to stop and think about my own health too, if I really start to go down. I can't wait until it's too late, I did that already once in my life. 

COVID hit me harder than I could have ever guessed, being so much of an "online person". My social life is online, almost wholy, but the problem is, I can't seem to get myself to keep socializing with even the closest and dearest friends anymore. That's why I need the face-to-face meet-up opportunities from time to time, which are all gone because of COVID now. Hopefully before or after summer, the situation would be at least somewhat normalized, because after all, my friends are my biggest resource of mental health. And I need that physical connection to get most out of it. 

I'm not the person to hang out with, and even less I am a person who would ask people to meet up with me. I am very socially awkward, even with friends, and if there's not something we can do together, it will be very hard on me very quickly. That's main reason why LAN parties have saved me for many years in past. I am not the friend to go "get some beers" or "go to café" with, because I'm not really a talker. I open up to people, sure, but it takes time. 

I just hope, I will get to see people again this year, and at least there are some meet-ups already been scheduled. I try to get through the study period too, but I need to remember myself too. I am not ok, and I have to just accept that again. Because in the end, my mental health can't get better, if I don't do something about it.