Anxiously attached

* NO PROOF-READING, NO PLANNING, JUST WRITING AS IT COMES TO MIND. SORRY FOR ANY INCONSISTENCIES OR ERRORS

Did anyone really ever care? What did I do to make them ignore me? What did I do to make no one ever contact me? Questions in my mind that keep taking all my mental stamina, every single day. In every single interaction, or lack of it. Every little change is always negative in my head, and it's always my fault. And everyone surely hates me. 

I should believe none of this is true, but it's easier said than done, when you really are very rarely contacted if not needed, and very often ignored, albeit by accident most likely (at least I want to believe that). Every friendship I've had, has always come with "what if's" in my brain. And that "what if" is mostly "what if they just actually hate me?"... Often it has been one-sided when it comes to keeping in touch, whilst sometimes I can also blame myself for it, because some people have tried, but at the times when I have been on my worst, and I have ended up being in too bad mood to actually appreciate it then. I have lost friends for this. I have lost friends for my mental health in general. It is heavy thing to carry, a person who is always down. 

Anxious attachment is a term I stumbled upon not too long ago, and it explains my current social interactions almost 100%. I am always overthinking, every single little thing, and then trying to find the issue in me, always. Because there's no way anyone else would be to blame, because those people are perfect people... Right? I have always been a person who puts everyone ahead of myself. My people-pleasing has been on unhealthy level, and it still pretty close is, but I have tried my best to move out of it. Easier said than done, when it has been growing in your brain for almost 20 years now. 

My social anxiety has been getting worse as of late, even with people who I actually know. Because of what I said above, I am scared to make the first move, because what if they all really just don't want anything to do with me... The saddest thing is, this thought can come to my mind almost instantly after spending time with those same people for hours before. I don't know where this all comes from. It's partly from genes, we have mental health issues in extended family a lot. Partly it's probably the fact that I never really had a best friend, at least not mutually. I have called people my best friends, but I can never believe they think the same, because all of them have always had someone else who they put first. So I have moved on to call them my closest friends, because I can't know. 

Being 32 years old, living alone, unemployed, with basically no IRL friends (self-caused, so can't really blame anyone else for that), living with just what's in my head every day... it's tiring. And it doesn't help when your brain goes on overdrive for most of that time. I am trying my best to "fix" myself, to best I can, but whilst I fall deeper down at the moment, even with professional help I currently have, I am starting to disclose myself from universe again... And that will not do me good. 

I don't know what I need... Or I do, but I can't ask for it... Because that is someone or something to pull me out of this hellhole in my brain. A job could help, but current job situation is shit even for qualified people. Relationship? Sure, my therapist asked about that a while back, if I would be ready, and answer is "yes, but..." Like I know I am currently a heavy person to be around, and I have never been a dater. I've had one relationship, it went well as long as it lasted, but it didn't start with dating, but instead a list of random things led to another... Anyway enough of that, relationship could help, but it has a big if. Right now the top things would be a job, or someone (a friend) who somehow manages to get inside my mind's bubble in a way, that they can shut up my brain's anxious attachment cells. But right now, I don't know. 

As always, I will keep pushing forward the best I can manage. I might be silent, I might end up ghosting people, not on purpose though... If you end up reading this until here, thank you. I appreciate every single one of my friends, every single one of the people who currently keep me alive, and have kept me alive for last couple of years. You might be living all around the world, but you are closer to me than almost anyone has ever been. Thank you, and sorry for vent. Although you probably knew what you were getting into when you got to this blog of mine. 

Just an imposter

Note: I know people are reading this, who have tried, who keep trying, and I'm thankful for you, now and forever.. And sorry, if I make you feel like I'm not thankful in what I've written here. 

Note 2: Again, this has been written as it comes to mind, no pre-planning, and no proof-reading. 

It's hard, to never feel like part of any group, never feel like actually being inside a community, no matter how many times people tell you that you are, and no matter how much appreciation you are shown... I have spent pretty much all of my life on the outermost layer of any group. I am the person who "is there" but really is not "in there". I am fine with that, since I am a listener, and follower, I don't like to be in the centre of attention... But at the same time I still want to be seen. Weird combination for sure, but it is how I am... And it is not the only complex thing about my mind. 

I have never been most keen about big friend groups or communities, I am much better with one or two close friends. That was how I was already in kindergarten, and it has never changed.. And when those two friends leave me behind for other people (or I just think they do, which is more usually the case these days), it hurts me massively on the inside. I know they haven't given up on me, but... My brain doesn't let me believe that. On the online life it has left me mostly alone, even when connected with people. I get ignored a lot, because I am not good in groups.. I get replaced, because I don't like being the most active person. It has happened all through my online presence. 

I am very rarely the person who gets contacted, unless I am needed. Unless I contact first. But as it is with other "issues", it's mostly my own fault. When I have nothing in common with people, no common interests (since I really have lost interest in basically everything during my fight with mental illness), it makes it even harder for me to socialize with people. And I know people do try to include me, but I also understand it's hard because I am very closed out person, especially when I'm going through stuff in my own mind... which is often. I appreciate people trying, and this is not meant to be an attack on anyone, so if you feel like that when reading this, I am sorry. 

I got into playing games (namely CS2) with people again, new people too... And whilst that is something I have needed, at least to distract my brain, outside the games, I still feel like outsider... No matter how much I try, and even the other people try.. If you have read this blog for long enough, or just know me from elsewhere, you know how long I have been going through this, and some people have also "given up" on me, because... well I have given up on my own brain at times. 

When it comes to my mental health, I am having professional help, so that's not the issue, and I don't need people telling me about that. It has been present for long time, but my mind is a hell of a weapon against me. 

Anyways, I am sorry for anyone who I have "ghosted", and if I have become bad friend because of my mental health. And I am thankful for everyone who keeps trying. I know I am very heavy person (not only physically) to be around, and I do understand and appreciate when people do come tell me that. Sure it hurts, and sure it does break me for a while, but I know personally how hard it is to be around people who are always down. 

Barely here...

This text might include very rough text, with self-hate and other topics like that... You have been warned.

I am not ok. Since last time I posted here, I started having sleep issues, most likely connected to massive emotional and mental stress. It is something that has never been an issue in my life, even if I have had the stress and mental health issues for almost two decades now. So, clearly something has changed, and I'm pretty sure it's not for the better. 

My social life is online, that we have gathered before too. It has been like that for most of my adulthood, so that's nothing new... The issue now is, that my social anxiety has also moved to the online social life. The wall between me and other people has gotten very tall... I can talk to most people via text, easily, no issues talking about absolutely everything... Maybe too much at some point, at least that's what my brain tells me. But it is still hard to join VC's and being social.. I have been doing it lately, I should be proud, but still every time I am there, I feel like I am not where I should be... Although I've been told and proven many times people want me there, I can't help my overthinking piece of shit brain. 

I lost pretty much all contact to my Finnish friends over 2025, and now that most of my friends are from abroad, somehow it's even harder to connect with them... Like... really connect... I can have friends that I trust 99%, and still it takes me massive steps to actually talk to them... My overthinking brain still keeps telling me that everyone hates me, and it's all a show... And that is fucking annoying. 

It's pain... every night… No matter if I have actually played socially during the day; no matter if I have actually done something I _should_ be proud of... It's just always there... My brain telling me I am not wanted, I am not needed, I am just an extra who people hold on to, until they find someone else... A person that is never truly there... 

I know it sounds rough, and it is rough, that's how it is in my head... I cry on like hourly basis, for no apparent reasons, just because I exist, and my brain tells me that there is something more I should have done, or something less I should have said... Because even though I shouldn't, and I don't even want to when I actually use my sensible brain, I am expecting people to be same way back at me, as I am towards people... But being a nice guy isn't just a good thing.. 

I have been used in the past, my kindness and my helpfulness, blatantly used. But also the thing is, right now, I want people to "use me" like that, because being useful is only thing I feel like I can get right now. Sure I can be loved, and cared, and all that... But it's something my brain doesn't let me have right now, at least not easily. 

I love people, I love my friends, I am bad at showing it in the correct way at times (I am very easily "too much"), but it's just the .. "weird" part of my brain. There is very high possibility of me having ASD, and/or ADD (old term, I know, don't care), but getting it diagnosed is not easy, and also is it really that helpful.. Sure it would give me the label and clarity of what I am, but... Yeah. 

Let's also touch "real life things" along with my brain shit... So, I am currently doing "rehabilitative work service", for my mental health issues, and to get me outside and be social.. Now, does it work? Maybe. The issue is, I don't want new friends per say, I want to be able to contact with the "safety net" I already have, online. But obviously the social side is also to help me maybe at some point get back to society, get a job, and all that shit. Job market situation here is shit right now, even for the qualified people, so not having my hopes up, but I can say that living in "iffy budget" is not helping my head. 

Money doesn't buy happiness, but right now lottery jackpot would fix a lot. Money doesn't buy happiness, but lack of money will eventually end you, and I'm not talking just about food. If I had even stable money situation; if I didn't have to think about money before I do absolutely anything; yeah I could be happier, and also I could be going to meet the awesome people I have met in the internet. There is a chance for that, but not for me, if something crazy doesn't happen. 

Now I'm not the most social person, I have never been that. I am open person, maybe too much at times; I am trustworthy person, and I am the person who listens to absolutely everything and anything, if someone else needs an ear. But when I have to be the one who sends the message... it goes through my brain hundreds of times before I can even send anything, most of the times. Because whatever it is I'm doing, whatever it is I'm saying, I have done it in my head multiple times before you've seen it. 

If you ended up reading this this far, thank you... or sorry... I don't know at this point. These texts are really just to blurp stuff out of me, and for maybe some people to see and understand my brain... Maybe, I don't know. 

I am staying here, I am trying my best, and I will keep holding on to what I have. But saying that, I am very much broken, and from experience I know it can make me lose people. And that is what I'm most afraid of, because people, any of you people, or anyone I watch on Twitch, talk to on Discord, who watch me on Twitch, or anything, are the reason I live. PERIOD. And because I overthink everything, and most of times end up not saying anything because of that, I just fear even more that I lose them. 

As Jake Segura wrote in his song Complicated, a very fitting line: 

You say I'm difficult, no shit

Who the hell would choose to feel like this?

I can tell they're all so over me

(I ain't surprised, 'cause so am I) 

Loneliness, caused by social anxiety, caused by depression, caused by.....

I don't even know anymore what caused what... I want to be social, I want to talk to people, other people are the only reason I am alive anymore. But now I can't even message my closest friends without overthinking everything for half an hour, ending up crying and not sending the message, because "I am just annoying"... Overthinking, because I have been wronged by some people in the past. Overthinking, because so few (love you all) has ever _shown_ they care... Sure people say it, and I believe it, but my overthinking brain doesn't believe just words. 

My birthday is coming up in under 2 weeks, but last few years I have just built myself up to be disappointed. No, I don't care about my birthday that much, but it is the one day that people could easily show that they cared, to make my overthinking brain at least for a while also believe it. 

I'd need someone I can talk to daily, someone that I know understands me, and wants to be with me.. Social gaming was my almost only lifesaver for years; playing hours and hours per day with other people, being in voice chats, and all that shit... Then it stopped. Some people stopped playing, some people got mad at me, some people just disappeared altogether from social media... And I understand that, but since my overthinking brain now takes over way too quickly, I won't join VC's with "new" people, or even people I've known via social media for years... Because my brain says I'm just annoyance, no matter how many times people tell me I'm not. I don't know what I need, people personally asking me to join them? 1-on-1 convos with people more often? Just getting my own life together? I just don't know. I want to be more social, I want to get back to the social life level I had earlier, but... 

One day... maybe... There are many friends that I can really thank for saving my life, just by being the communities that keep me busy, keep me doing something... But even those people are "too scary" for me to actually connect with. And then I see them having fun with other people, and I just feel the massive loneliness, although it's all just on me.. It always is. I don't know how big part my hate on myself and my own voice and such plays in me not being able to join VCs with people, it certainly is a factor.. But then again, I do stream myself, to people, with my voice... But... Yeah... 

In real life, my current situation is shitty at best, have been unemployed for over a year, finances are a mess, social life is non-existent outside of internet (and as stated before the "social media life" is also lacking something), I am hating myself more and more by every day, my looks, my voice, everything... 

This post is again just a puke of thoughts from my head, so sorry if it is hard to read, I just had to get it out; for me. I would not be alive without the communities I have grown into, that is harsh truth right now, but I feel like I will slowly push them away too, because of... me... Thank you, sorry, whatever is the right thing to say at this point... Have a good timezone!

I'm broke(n)

TW: Topics of depression and suicide, don't read if you are sensitive for these topics

Another note: Text is not proofread, and it has been written by what comes to mind, so please try to ignore possible jumps in subjects and possible typos. 

I need a hug

Mediocre depression, social phobia, social anxiety… That's just some of the diagnoses I have. I could even currently say, my depression could be severe. I get actually nothing done at home. I can do the work shifts fine, and after that I get absolutely nothing done. 

I'm done acting like I would be better, I am not. I am going quickly downhill on this spiral, day after day. Alone at home everyday, and no energy to even try to do something about it. There is also very much less social life online too than before, but that's also something I have no one else but myself to blame, because there really is just no energy to try to be social. It also goes together with the social anxiety part; scared to talk to people, scared of saying something wrong, scared of losing them… and in the process losing them all because of not saying anything. 

Another thing in the loneliness is that, even though I like being alone, introvert and all, my love language is physical touch, and same goes with the platonic love too, so between friends. I'm bad at talking, I'm bad at keeping touch, I just want a hug. I want someone to just be, even quiet, close to me. It's not like the great online friends I do have would be meaningless, but they can't compensate it all. 

But again, to that too, it comes together with social phobia and anxiety... I don't go out, I don't go to places, I don't like going out to meet people... It's all a big conflict in my brain; I want to be more social, I want physical touch, I want to be close to people, but also I'm "scared" to go out to do any of that. In work mode I am fine. I work currently as robot vehicle safety operator, so I have contact with customers almost daily, and that's fine, it's work. I can switch to the work mode. But when I switch off from it, I can't do anything social. I am scared of being judged, I am scared of doing something wrong... And at times, I am anxious of people around me. 

I keep telling myself, that getting steady financial status (getting work) would help me with my life, but I got a feeling it won't. It will help somewhat for sure, but it won't fix the bigger picture. Also, some of the people online could think I am not any of these things I say, because my online persona is very different, because it's easier to be myself online than offline. Online I could say pretty much anything, obviously as a people pleaser though trying to not make anyone mad or sad, but offline, I will just go with what everyone else says. 

Love life? Yeah it isn't there. I can say I have crushes, I get crushes easily and quickly, but I will next to never act on them, because "I'm not good enough anyway". This is something I rarely talk about publically. I keep getting told how great person I am, how great friend I am, how someone would be lucky to know me; but none of that really shows. 

TLDR; to this blog: I NEED A HUG. 

I am too kind

I have lately noticed, how much people have abused my kindness in the past. The fact that it's hard for me to say no, and I much rather just accept everything, is easy thing to be abused, but it's painful to understand it afterwards. My kindness comes from the fact, that I put everyone else before myself. So if someone asks me to do something, I will most likely say yes, to make them happy, no matter how bad it might make me feel. It also saves me from conflicts and arguments with other people, because I am a "yes man". Kindness is a trait that I actually like about myself, but too much is too much in this as well. You can be too kind, to the level that it hurts yourself more than it helps others. 

Along with this, I absolutely hate conflicts around me. Even a small argument about something absolutely meaningless, will drain my mental stamina to zero in no time. This I noticed when road tripping with family last two weeks. Smallest of things causing my head to burst, and my "fight or flight" instinct kicks in... And there isn't really "fight" in that instinct on me. I just want to get out. If people are fighting or arguing around me, I will close myself out of the place mentally, almost instantly. But then there comes the overthinking: "Should I do something about this?", "Is there anything I can do to help this?", "Did I cause this?"... Usually the answer is "no", but my brain doesn't find it quickly. 

Another update on my current situation; my mental health is going down at the moment. I am deep down most of the nights, even with ongoing therapy. I am probably ending my studies (again), and trying to get myself into some work... If only any employee would hire a uneducated man with almost no work experience. But will see how that goes in not too long time, hopefully. I was volunteering at IIHF World Champs, as a "chauffeur", and it was fun, and I could see that as a career, but then came the diagnose of sleep apnea, that put my professional driver career hopes at least on pause. I will get treatment gear in little over a month for that, and I hope I will have big positive effects from that, that might also help my mental health, and get myself to do more stuff on daily basis. 

I will be continuing volunteering at Assembly Summer in under two weeks, but that is a thing that is "scaring" me a bit... Mainly because I have no idea what I will do there, and my own head keeps telling me, that whatever it is, I will fail it. I have been arguing with my brain telling me to not go at all, but then again I can see the fact that it might be very nice experience too. And as Assembly events are only places I actually see most of my friends on yearly basis, I don't want to miss it... And if I don't go as a volunteer, my current money situation won't let me go at all. 

Nonetheless, I will do my best to survive this downfall again; I did it in the past already. I'm hitting new lows, and lately been thinking about "How long it would take until someone would notice, if I just disappeared completely?"... And the answer my own brain gives, is years. 

But, to end on happier note, if anyone reading this notices me at Assembly, feel free to say hi. I am socially awkward, so I might not be fluent to start conversation, but I will at least say hi, and give a hug if you want one. I still love you all, even if my brain tells me no one loves me! <3

Random update I guess

What is the meaning of living? I wish I knew. At the moment life feels pointless. Nothing seems to give me the happiness, not even the stuff that used to give it back in the days. I visited Assembly Winter last weekend, just to see friends. It was something, and I noticed there are actually people who still care about my existence. It just took that event to notice it. And the fact that there hasn't been any events for 2 years... Yeah, it shows. These events are the places where I can actually notice that even though I am as socially awkward as I am, some people still appreciate my company. Thank you for that. 

My social anxiety is stopping me from doing anything social, although those seem to be only things that give me even some joy. And because I'm too "scared" to talk to anyone, and it's rare anyone talks to me (there are still some of you, so thank you), my brain turns it to everyone hating me. Also the fact that I hate myself, doesn't really help. 

Therapy is still ongoing, but still every now and then I think if I get all out of it I could get, mainly because I don't really know what I really want from it. Because I can't see anything in my future, so I don't know what to aim for. So maybe the aim is to find what to aim for I guess. 

I am on sick leave now, officially, but I am job hunting, because financial stability would be nice. And also something to do. Yes, I could continue studies, it would be "something to do", but I don't have motivation for it right now. For jobs, I can't know if I have motivation and stamina for that either, but I would want to try. 

My biggest problem is right now the fact, that I get nothing essential done.. Home is a mess, my eating habits are a mess... My brain is a mess. I spent days just thinking what I should be doing, and doing nothing in the process. Video games, sure, are still there, but they don't give me the same happiness they used to. Watching streams, sure, there are still some communities I like to be in. I have lost interest in lot of streams and communities in past year, and I think that's normal, but the fact how important they have been to me, leaving them isn't something I really would want to do. 

People are only reason I live, since I really can't see anything in my own future still. Maybe someday. 

See you at Assembly Summer in August, because I know myself and I know I can't get myself to meet anyone before that anyways. I need something to do to be even a bit less anxious in social situations, so meeting just to have small talk, with no plans, is not for me. Still somewhat thinking if I could go to Assembly Summer with a computer place, but don't know about finances, or logistics, of that. 

I can also see I lost all plot of this blog post somewhere in there, but honestly, I use this blog just to vent and empty my thoughts for a while, so that's understandable I guess. If someone reads these, it's just a plus, not a necessity. 

Me & Video Games & Mental Health

 I have for long played video games just to "turn off my thoughts" for a while, and feel good, or even ok for a while. This is right now just getting harder and harder, and video games don't seem to give me anything anymore. Mainly because I don't feel like I'm good in any games anymore. I spend hours and hours per day just not doing anything (usually means watching true crime or some stupid comedy films for hundredth time). I just don't enjoy games anymore... or anything in that matter. 

I have started therapy for my depression and social anxiety and stuff, but right now I'm just thinking, will it even help me, because I don't know myself what I'm looking for from it. I have no idea what I want, I don't know what I want from my future, or from tomorrow, or from rest of today. I'm just mentally not in a good place. The stuff that gave me some pleasure and happiness earlier, don't seem to give me anything anymore. They are just way to make time go past. 

On social anxiety stand point, I have social anxiety, but I also am dependent on people, meaning that I get mental health from seeing other people, and/or making them happy and stuff like that. That is a mix that will make my mental health worse probably through rest of my life. Covid situation cancelled every event I had to see people I see very rarely anyways, and the fact that I am very awkward in social situations, if there isn't anything to do when meeting people, makes it almost impossible to set up meetings without some events. 

I don't see anything in my future right now. I have no passion on anything, and I need the passion to get any motivation to do anything. I rarely see myself as anything else but a failure, although by many facts, I know that factually it's not true. My mind just doesn't believe that. If you ask me where I see myself in 10 years, I wouldn't know, probably in worst times, the answer would be "in grave". As sad as that sounds, I am not suicidal, I don't wanna die; I just would love to get a reason to be alive. That's the thing I am missing most at the moment. A reason to be here. A WHY. 

I'm not suicidal, but...

I'm in a dark place… Darker than in a long time. And I really can't blame no one else but me. Everything that makes me feel bad about myself and about life, is all my own fault. I have no money, because I can't get myself to do anything clever with my life. I have no IRL friends because my social anxiety stops me from going anywhere. I have no will to live, because I can't see any reason to live in here. 

I don't wanna die, I don't wanna harm myself, but I don't want to live. Or maybe more than that, I want a reset button for my life. My life is list of failures, albeit I got to university twice, I have also failed it twice now, or am close to failing it the second time at least. 

When it comes to using money, I am bad with it, I can't lie about it. I use more money than I have, because everything that makes me feel even a bit happier, costs money, and because of my life situation, I have no income, so where is that money coming from? 

LanTrek tickets are coming available today. Won't be buying them for a while though, but I will be there, no matter what. That's the one thing I can say for certain for my future. I will be there, if I am alive and physically healthy. That will be the one happening, that I have chance to see my most important friends, assuming that they will be there of course. 

When it comes to mental health, I now do have psychotherapist, so it might be moving forward to better, but I can't keep myself from doubting that it's too late. I am in too deep. I… Yeah. 

Christmas is coming, so happy holidays to everyone who celebrates it. I will be in Lapland with family, so might not be in social media that much. Hope you all have great time with family and/or friends, or whoever you are celebrating Christmas with. 

Also, thank you to all of you who have been with me through all these years. The people who actually have tolerated my bad moods, and been there for me. There aren't a lot of you, but I just want you to know, I really appreciate you all. Without you, I'd probably be in worse place already. You keep me sane, at least somewhat. 

Why even try?

 I don't know...

When you think everyday about just giving up, at least about studies, you can't just let it go. I have lost all motivation to study, and even though the topics might be somewhat interesting for me, I just can't get arsed to study. I skip lectures, skip homework, and even though I know it will only bite myself in the ass later, I can't be arsed. I am mad at myself on daily basis, because of the fact that I'm "just lazy". I know that's not the case, since I do have diagnosed mental health problems, but I can't stop myself for thinking that I just use those as an excuse to not do anything...

The fact is, I would love to have some job, but for some reason, I can't get myself to concentrate on studies, to maybe some day get a job. I cry at least every other night, for basically no reason, or just because of thinking what a failure my whole life has been. I just can't seem to get anything right. As I'm writing this, I am again in a low point, and I should be doing some stuff for school. Instead I'm just crying my eyes out, because I can't do that. 

I can't give up on studies anymore; it's already my "second round" at this level of studies. I can't just give up, and try again later. There's no later for me soon. I am already closing in to 30 years, and I have done basically nothing with my life. 

I am depressed, and I think it's on worse level than it has been for a long time. Since I am not suicidal, no one can see that but me. I also have symptoms of ADD, which has never been diagnosed, because it never comes up as topic when talking with psychiatrists, because the depression is so major. My depression is stopping me from enjoying anything right now. I'm just "surviving life". I can't get arsed to cook for myself, I can't get arsed to study, I can't get arsed to keep my house even relatively clean. 

I should be proud of myself for being able to get myself up and do all work hours I was asked to as volunteer for EuroVolley, but then again, I honestly went there just for free food, and to watch the games. Since the volunteer work was relatively badly instructed, and there wasn't clear stuff needed to be done, I pretty much just watched the games when in there. But, to be honest, at least I got my ass up and went there. It's something I guess. 

I have promised myself to not give up anymore, but right now, I don't know if I can keep that promise...

I'm sorry that I let you down. Again. 

Bloody Ironic

Update 1: I was diagnosed some time back with hemochromatosis, which in all-day words means that I have too much iron in my blood. It is being treated by going regularly to give half a litre of blood away in a blood-letting, until the iron volume in blood is low enough. After that it'll probably be treated by giving blood twice a year or so. This is nothing major, so no need to worry about that, and its usual symptoms are pretty much being tired and stuff like that. The hard thing is to be clear if the tiredness is about this disease or the mental side. 

Going to the mental side of things, I am not doing well, I can't lie about it. I cry daily, with or without a reason. Also taking care of my own life is not going well. I do stuff only if it's a must, not before. My motivation is low on living, not to talk about studies. I like my studies, but I just can't get motivated to learn. I am on medication for depression, so it's something, but because my own health institute changed on new year, I haven't yet contacted the new ones, so I have no therapy relation to anywhere for now. Everything is hard. 

When it comes to my social life, at least studies is mostly done in groups, so there's something in that. They are 100% distant studies, but that's nothing we can do anything about for now. Outside of that, I pretty much have nothing. There are a few stream communities I am in, but I don't feel like I really am in them. Video games has been a way to ease my mental health, because it makes me forget, but I tend to not like to play games alone. Multiplayer games have stopped pretty much altogether because of scheduling issues, or just the plain fact, that I am toxic company, when it comes to some games. I can admit, that I get mad very easily, when I do bad in games like CS:GO, but that's mainly because I play games to feel that I can actually do something. When I do bad, I really get mad at myself, and it comes out as being toxic to people, who troll/cheat, or even if they don't. Nowadays, I just sit on computer watching TV shows on Disney+ or Netflix, and... Not doing anything or just playing to waste time. 

"I miss my friends, but I still don't text them, because I just think I'll annoy them, but that's only because I really annoy myself."

I also need a hug. I need someone to come tell me, that I am not ok, and that's ok. I need to hear it from someone else, to really admit it to myself right now. I know I am not fine, but I don't want to admit it. 

New year, old me

 Year 2021 is here, good bye to 2020... Not like it really would matter too much for now. 2020 was harsh on me, and I guess 2021, at least first half of it, won't be any easier. I thought before COVID striked big, that it wouldn't really affect me, because I never go out anyway. Well, how I was wrong. Studies get harder on me, because the reason I decided to try same line of study again, but in different school, was that the school was supposed to be more schedule-based, and teacher-oriented. Now I'm already seeing same problems I had in University when I started there 8 years ago. Another thing that COVID heavily affected on me, was the cancelling of all the events. The only times I had to see my closest online friends, who at the same time are my closest friends. 

Today it has been 7 years since the first LAN party I went to with online friends. At that time, I was struggling heavily with my mental health, and those happenings were only times I really got out of those thoughts. Right now, my mental health is again going heavily downhill, and I am very unstable mentally, which leads to me not wanting to talk to people, because I might snap at any moment, and I can't afford losing any of my dearest friends, I've lost enough of them in the past. This spring period will be very hard studies-wise, but I will try my best to get through it, at least pass everything. But at the same time, I have to remember to stop and think about my own health too, if I really start to go down. I can't wait until it's too late, I did that already once in my life. 

COVID hit me harder than I could have ever guessed, being so much of an "online person". My social life is online, almost wholy, but the problem is, I can't seem to get myself to keep socializing with even the closest and dearest friends anymore. That's why I need the face-to-face meet-up opportunities from time to time, which are all gone because of COVID now. Hopefully before or after summer, the situation would be at least somewhat normalized, because after all, my friends are my biggest resource of mental health. And I need that physical connection to get most out of it. 

I'm not the person to hang out with, and even less I am a person who would ask people to meet up with me. I am very socially awkward, even with friends, and if there's not something we can do together, it will be very hard on me very quickly. That's main reason why LAN parties have saved me for many years in past. I am not the friend to go "get some beers" or "go to café" with, because I'm not really a talker. I open up to people, sure, but it takes time. 

I just hope, I will get to see people again this year, and at least there are some meet-ups already been scheduled. I try to get through the study period too, but I need to remember myself too. I am not ok, and I have to just accept that again. Because in the end, my mental health can't get better, if I don't do something about it. 

"I'm back..."

I have been trying to move forward in life, but I think I tried too hard for too long to just do it myself. So... now I'm back on anti-depressants. I never wanted to say it, I never wanted to see it, but I have to think about myself again. The depression never went anyway, that's just a fact. I just wanted to hide it. 

People who really know me, probably has seen it all the time. I'm not fine, and I haven't been fine. Technically my life has gone forward, I'm starting new studies, and altho it seems like a step backwards, because it's same line of studies I started 8 years ago, this time I will go through it. 

My evenings and nights are tough. Too much time to think, and the thoughts aren't always that good. The new school has been stressful, as for me every situation I have to contact new people is. Also the studies are mostly groupwork-related, so the stress probably will stay there. I'm bad at making friends online, and it's even worse IRL. The COVID situation of course also affects the studies, lots of remote studies, although they are trying to do as much of contact study as possible. 

One other thing I've noticed (again) in new school, is the fact that I am really massive introvert. I am tired after schooldays, but then again, I don't mind playing together with people even after those. That might also just be because it makes me forget my thoughts. But that also brings a problem: I'm trying to hide my thoughts on games, which leads often to me just getting even deeper in my thoughts, because I don't get gaming company. That also goes with the problem I have with new people. I like playing games with "familiar faces", and that group isn't really too big, so finding play buddies is hard. The games people play now also aren't "my games"; Among Us is the main game to play with friends, and I wouldn't care less about it. That's of course my problem, and so is everything else in this post.

So far, so good; I'm again trying to fix my head, will see how it goes. Therapy might start at start of next year, at earliest, if I feel like I want it. Right now that might be the way to go, because in all honestly, I've been depressed for almost 17 years now, more or less. It has never really gone away, because I've been hiding it with my best effort. People close to me see it through me, but I haven't really wanted to do anything about it. I don't like being sad, I don't like being powerless, I don't like being unproductive. But because I am powerless and unproductive, I can't be arsed to do anything about it. The reason I now went for doctor on my mental health, was the fact I needed medical certificate about it, to get my finances to line. Probably if that wasn't the case, I would have never gone for it. It had been 4 years since last time I went for doctor on mental health stuff, and it's not really a short time. It's been 4 years of trying to act like I was getting better, thinking that I can get back up. 

But I'm weak. Or maybe I have just tried to be strong for way too long. Life is going on, and even though it might be tough on my head. Mental health issues leads to other problems too, and I can't afford them. I had blood tests today, I think mainly to test for hypothyroidism. I can't remember if I even have been tested for that before, even though that is pretty normal tests alongside depression. Will see how they come back. It might be a relief if they come back positive for hypothyroidism, because that gives at least one answer. 

But before this post gets too long, I just want to say (again) that I am thankful for all my friends I've made over the years, and even tho I have very few people I talk with daily, I know there are plentyful of people who actually care. I don't see it too often, and my deep thoughts get me to feel like there isn't anyone, but genuinely, I know there are. I can't get myself to contact anyone, and therefore people also rarely contact me. Thank you, all of you! I know you are there, I just need to get myself up to talk to you people again. 

Blogpost without a title, nor any sense

If only I could be more social; if only I could actually believe that anyone cared about me; if only... I've been writing this blog post in my head for months now. My life is starting to be a mess, and it's all just because of me. I have no one nor nothing else to blame. My social skills are bad, I can't get myself to start conversations with anyone, and I'm losing everyone because of that. I'm starting to slowly but surely seclude myself, and my only times outside my house are walks with Nasu; and even those are rare and short moments, because of the heat right now. 

This stuff also affects my school entrance exams... I mean, the exams are going decent, but I'm still not sure if I even want to go back to studies... Of course I want to get some degree, so I might actually at some point in my life get to work life, but then again, my social awkwardness is just so bad, that I'm just constantly telling myself, that I might not have the studying in me. I'm constantly feeling that I will fail the studies, again. I've been there before, I have been a student for a long time already. 

What am I doing to myself? I'm losing all social contacts, slowly. I don't play with anyone anymore, I'm doing some stupid stuff at my computer alone all day, every day. Who am I kidding saying that I would ever become anything? Everything in life needs social skills; I'm turning 27, and I still have 0 social skills. And honestly, what's the point anyway. I can't do anything useful anyway. 

People make it look so easy, having fun with friends. Even having friends is hard for me, and doing something with them is even harder. Everytime I see someone, it's so socially awkward, that it really hurts me. I have been living alone most of the last 10 months, so I've really been pretty much alone with my thoughts, and Nasu. This spring and summer has just been mentally tough. I resigned from my last work last autumn, and I've been unemployed ever since. Hard to find a job at this time, and also because I have no useful skills nor experience at any field of work. Not like I really had any skills what-so-ever. I was in mental rehab, again, but the way it was designed didn't really go well with the coronavirus limitations. 

I'm not fine, I haven't really been fine for years; I've tried to act like I am, because I don't want to accept that I'm not. It's not like I never really was fine. I'm lonely, even when around people, because I'm just bad socially. And the few times I actually end up in conversations with anyone, they tend to end as quickly as they began, because I can't keep the convo up. I'd love to have at least some social skills, but I don't, because I dislike myself, my self esteem is non-existant. I haven't achieved anything in my life, I probably never will if this continues the way it has. 

I've gone through two mental rehabs, neither of them really has helped myself, I can accept it now. They have been good to have some content in life, but that's about it. I'm mentally in a very bad place, and I just have to admit it. I don't know what I want in my life, I don't know what I see in my future, I don't know what I want for my future. I have never known. No passion in anything useful, or anything useless tbh. I need that heureka moment, rather sooner than later. I'm running out of time for figuring out what I really want. I mean, age is but a number, but there's no lying about the fact, that I've spent a big junk of my life without even a trace of any goals, or anything. 

I'm a failure

I used to be good at school, until high school. Although I still managed to pass matriculation examination, and get to University with the papers, I didn't really do that well in high school, when thinking how good I actually was before that in school. And probably most of you know what happened in Uni. I failed it. I was present at University for 6 or 7 years, until studying time ended. I studied study credits for maybe 1½ years. Why? Because I could never get into studying, because I have no passion to anything, I had no reason to go to lectures, and I had no friends, mainly because I never fit in. I never fit into any group. 

I can't do anything I try to do:
   - studying? Failed because no passion, hence no motivation. 

   - working? Was in a job for a year, got fired, because I never learned the job. Made dozens of job applications, got answers from maybe 5, four no's, and one call with "we'll call again later", which ended up as an empty hope. 

   - hobbies? Floorball as a kid, had passion, but not enough to really learn the sport. Still would love to play it, because it's a great sport. Video games? I'm a social player, but I'm bad at being social. I'm also bad at online games, and I'd love to be better, but again, not passionate enough to really put effort. 

   - friends? I have online friends, they mean the world to me, but I keep losing friends, because I can't be social or keep in contact. Also somehow people tend to not like me in a long run. I never hear it from anyone, because I keep getting told I'm such a good friend, but I don't know what to really trust. 

I really wish I was something else than socially awkward nerd, who can't get anything done. But at the moment, depression is starting to get back into my life, because I really just... can't... I'm not fine. Maybe if I was fine, I wouldn't be mad at my dog every walk we have. Maybe I would actually have energy to cook myself even 3 times a week. Maybe I would actually be a student or have a job, if I actually was fine. Maybe I didn't cry once a day because I couldn't get even the simplest of tasks done. Maybe I could actually contact the important people in my life without fearing that I'll fail that too. I'm lost, again. I just don't want to accept it...

That's why I bang my head against the wall
'Cause I don't like myself at all,
Wish that I could cut all the ties
And now my life is such a tragedy
'Cause I'm my biggest enemy,
I can't look myself in the eyes
It's I against me

~Anna Blue - I Against Me

Big temporary changes in my life

So, let's cut to the chase. My GF moved to Lisbon today, and she'll be living there till next summer. She moved there as exchange student. She will visit home though in between, but still, living alone with Nasu will be a test, to me, as well as to our relationship. We have lived in distant relationship in the past for under a year, and now we have lived together for almost 4 years. I will be visiting her in Lisbon too at least once, if I just have the money and time.

My current job is something I don't want to do, but I can't leave it until I get a new job, because of finances. I am job hunting hard to catch myself a new job, something full-time, and probably a day job. At the moment I am working as newspaper courier, so I work only night shifts, and it has caused me both mental and physical pain and stress. It will be hard for me to keep myself together if I can't get out of this job sooner better than later.

My mental health will take a hit, I would be lying if I said it wouldn't. I have a dog to look after, and I am taking lot of stress about it, because this is the first time I'll be living alone with a dog for over 2 months. What if I can't do this? Other than taking care of Nasu -stress, my social life is a mess. I can't get myself to talk to even the most important friends in my life, no matter how hard I try, and right now when I'm living alone, those are the people I really need. It will be hard for me to go to places, because I'll be having hard time getting someone to dogsit Nasu. I know there are people I can get him to, but I am very bad at making it happen. But if anyone I know ever wants to come walk Nasu, or just come play with him, please hit me up. I will need those people to keep myself alive.

Right now first step is to try to catch myself that new job. My job hunt is on 110%, so I just hope some employer out there wants me to work for them. And wants to teach me to do that job, because I'm honestly speaking not qualified for anything. If you really want to know more or just talk to me about anything, feel free to hit me up in any social media. I will still be here for everyone who feels like they need help. I'm still the same me, even if I'm going through some struggles. I still live for my friends, because they are my main source of energy. Thanks for being you. 

Why am I like this?

So, I lost my job. And honestly speaking, it didn't come as a big surprise. I've been shitty at work, I couldn't get handle of it well enough during a year, and I also started really losing motivation to even doing it. The only motivation was the paycheck, and once again I noticed, it's not big enough motivator for me. But the real problem here is, that I still put my mind settled on the fact, that I would be working there for a long time, and I stopped stressing about life, about studies, about future. Now it all came back straight to my face. My studies at University end after summer, and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't graduate yet, because my studying (as well) has been a total shitshow, to be brutally honest. I need to get arsed to do one course via book exam during this June and July though, because otherwise I probably have to pay back some study aid. So that's a thing.

In the meantime, I have no motivation again. To anything really. This is just who I am. I'm lazy ass who can't motivate himself to anything. When it comes to finding work, I am open to lot of things, but then again, now that I've been looking for, and applying for couple of jobs, I can't help but wonder about what if's... What if once again I lose motivation, and everything goes to shit?

I am turning 26 this year, and still to this day, for a quarter of a century, I haven't been able to figure out anything I'd have passion on, anything I'd have enough motivation to go for... There is always something I'd love to try, but then there's always something in front; may it be in my mind, or really something that makes it truly impossible to go for it. I have no dreams, apart from the normal lottery jackpot and healthy, normal life. I just would love to know what is my career, what am I even good at? I don't have social skills, I'm not good with people, apart from online, and even here it's really on-and-off. Then again, there are jobs for introverts like me, but there's always something that doesn't fit me. I'm social introvert; aka I need people, but I don't have the skills to be with people. I envy people who go out with friends, who spend time with other people, but still I don't even really like going anywhere with people.

I do still play socially, it's the only way I really play anymore, I either stream, or play with friends, but I don't know why, but I just miss people outside gaming. When I game with people, I talk about the game, and stuff outside of games are in my head kind of a taboo. Deep stuff in my mind never gets out when it's gaming time, mainly because gaming is my way to get that stuff out of my mind. I'm a bad friend, I've been a bad friend, I will be a bad friend, because I'm never contacting them, even though every single day I look at the empty chat boxes...

At the moment, I just need to focus on getting a job, and via that getting some more time again to think what I really want from life.. If I'll ever find that thing. I might be harsh and cruel for a few weeks, if anyone comes up to me in any negative manner, because I'm just so down on the bottom of the hill of the roller coaster I call my life. But the only way is up, again. When it comes to healing, it won't be easy, again; it took me years to get this job I now got fired from, and even though I got a year of work experience, it's in a field that won't help me getting forward or getting a new job. But now off to something new, and once again I try to promise myself to talk to people, but in my mind, no one cares. I am sorry, because even I know that is not true, but for some reason that is the thought that always comes up when I think about talking to someone. Because... for some reason that is what I am like. 

I'm a mess

I got a job, yay. I finally have an income, yay... I still am not happy.

I'm a mess, I have been for a long time, and I will be for a long time. I'm writing this at 4am... on Monday... work starts at 9am at the latest. I can't sleep, too many thoughts. Why am I so awkward in social situations? Why am I like this? I live my life to keep other people happy, not myself. I don't care about myself, because I can't say a bad word. I can't make other people mad, without it killing me from the inside. I have probably written about this before, but I don't care. This puts me in so many difficult situations daily.

I'm losing friends, I'm losing communities, I'm losing myself in the progress. Why? Because I say stupid things, or because I am a too emotional mess. I tend to get mad in the smallest things, I am emotional, and for some reason that turns against me most of the times. If I'm having a bad day, I can snap at any moment, at anyone. And that's the #1 thing I'm always afraid of, and the #1 reason I can't start a conversation, even with my closest friends, on any deep matter. Deep talks are something I'd need, I have had them a lot more in my past, but now, I'm too scared. If I snap, I might lose it all. I might lose the most important asset in my life. You. The other people. So I just flee from situations, and in the progress leave everything inside my own little head. I envy people who have friends, and who can easily be and talk with their friends. I haven't had that kind of friendship like ever, and the reason is, I'm not easy on myself. I make everything hard. Everything I do, everything I say, everything I am... Everything I might do or say... EVERYTHING.

I finally got a job, after a long time trying to find something, and still, I'm like this. Because I need people. Work brings be some new people, but I don't want new people, I want old people back, I want old people closer. I'm bad with new people, but I am also not good with old friends. I am a bad friend, I know I am because I never talk, I never do anything. I always just think, how cool it could be, if I'd be like that. I'm always planning in my head all kinds of cool things I could do with friends if only someone asked because I can't be the one asking people. Because in my head, I'm just an awkward introvert person to everyone. I'm nothing. I'm just another face in the crowd. Another problem has been the financial side because I never have money to do anything because nothing is free in life. Especially when it comes to having fun with friends, or having fun in general really. At least that side is getting a fix (hopefully) now, that I finally got a job.

I fight my own fights in my own head. I tend to try to just not do it, but every now and then, the fights will happen, and they are fierce every time. They paralyze me. I can apologize in advance to everything I'll say when I'm on the edge. If I snap, anything can happen, and no one is safe. And sometimes, it doesn't take that much for me to snap. When I snap online, it will be bad words, it will be something not suitable for kids. When I snap offline, it's usually just me fleeing, before I hurt anyone's feelings, even if they'd deserve it. It doesn't take too much to get under my skin, and the one big thing that always will do it is adding fuel to the fire when someone has already hurt their feelings. That will always get me snapped, and then it gets everyone to hate me. That's how life goes.

But honestly speaking, life will never be easy, and I understand and accept that. If someone or something makes me mad, I flee and damage only my brain, rather than damage anyone or anything else. It's just me, it doesn't matter. 

Shit happens

So, I found a job, and I lost a job, all in 5 days. I applied for a job on Wednesday, went to interview on Thursday, and started on Friday. And now on Monday, I got a call, that I'm not suitable for this job. I'm "too smart" for the job.

I get nothing for getting angry at the employers now, neither does any of you. I just need to keep seeking. At least I got one day's pay. If they feel I'm not suitable for the job, then I'm not. The employer has the right to select employees. I never signed the contract, because the one handling them stuff, wasn't at work on Friday. I could have demanded it then, but I don't really care. I found a job, I lost a job, now I just have to find another.

The thing here is, I got an experience, even if just for a day. I can see the point they're telling me. I'm quiet and peaceful, and therefore I might not be what they want. At least they were being honest with me, and they told me now, not keep me until the end of May and then say it. Yes, it'd had meant more money and more experience, but probably by then, it would have had come out that they don't want me there.

It's just too bad, I'm too smart for these jobs, but not smart enough for the jobs in my area of work... yet.