Loneliness inside

The feeling of loneliness, when it's not by choice, is one of the saddest feelings there is. At least for me. I am alone most times, and sometimes I'm ok with it, but sometimes, like now when I'm writing this post, it's unbearable. 

Everyone who knows me, knows that my intentions are always keeping everyone happy, but in the same time, I'm really feeling lonely. I'm not starting to beg, but sometimes I just can't stop thinking about the fact, why I don't get any response to it. When I see someone feeling down, I'll atleast try to help them get happier, because seeing sad people is sadder than being sad myself. Sometimes I feel like I never get that same thing back. I have almost no people talking to me, without starting to talk to them. Because of that, I sometimes, or my brain sometimes start to put thoughts to my head: "What have I done wrong? Does anybody care about me?" 

When at the same time I am person, who needs alone time, I also need company. This steps in, when I see lots of other people posting somewhere how happy they are, having fun with friends. Yes, I'm happy for everyone who are happy, it makes me happy to see people happy, but in the background, I feel like I'm only one who doesn't have anyone to have fun with. Gaming-wise, this partly is "own choice", because I don't play the most popular games, so I don't have many games to play with friends. While people might think, why I don't start playing the popular games; the thing for me is, that even good company won't make in my mind shitty games better. I won't play games just for company, so yes, my loneliness is partly my choice. I sometimes "hate" myself for thinking like this, but that's just who I am, and I won't change that. 

Also, going to "real life" meet-ups, LANs and other meetings with people, I have noticed that also with people around, I feel lonely. I am alone in company, because I am partly outsider, in every group. This is partly results from my background of being bullied. I doubt myself, my self-esteem is down, and I overthink what other people think about me, simultaneously lying to myself that I'm bad person.

My patience is running out

I am normally very patient person, about anything, but right now, I'm starting to lose my patience on my life. I've gone very little bit forward in my life in last 2 years. I've done my civil service, and I've found myself a loving GF. Other than that, my life is running in place.

I've been raised to believe in fate; everything happens for a reason; but sometimes I just wish I knew the reason. There's too much waiting for stuff, that I can't do anything about. I can't be patient for long, if at same time I'm unaware of almost everything. I can't stay patient even about getting myself healthy and able to study or work, while at the same time society pressures me to do all kinds of decisions, and to try to handle all shit that I really just can't. Stress levels cause shitty sleep schedule, and overthinking everything. Lately my brain also has started to think, how many people really do care. I am lonely, even when in company. I noticed that yesterday when I was celebrating Mother's Day with relatives. I thought I might have a good day, but I ended up just laying in couch, trying to stop myself from crying, while at the same time there were people around me all the time.

That's my life. I'm lonely almost all the time; only exceptions being the times when I'm with my GF or with my friends, which I can't see that often. And online, I feel even lonelier day by day. I have only few people who come talk to me regularly. I can't start conversations myself, because I fear that they will end awkwardly. And because barely anyone comes to talk to me, my brain starts thinking that no one really cares. I know there's people who do, but my brain doesn't.

I will have big decisions to make right now. I have to somehow be able to decide whether I move to my parents for summer, or if I stay in Tampere, or if I move to Kouvola. I will move to Kouvola after summer at latest, if everything goes as it seems right now, but what do I do over summer, is still a blur. And I can't clarify it by myself, I have to wait for decisions from KELA, and my psychiatrist. I still need that someone in my life, at least for every week, to see, to have contact with, but at this moment, I can't do anything about it.

There are people amongst you who saved my life earlier. I know you will be there for me, if I need you, but I just can't get myself to start asking for help, because I can't put my thoughts into words. I know I will be allright, but it will take time, and I most probably can't do it by myself. My patience is running out, I won't last for long.

This thing I call life

My life... let's say it straight, is not good at the moment. Main thing is the fact that I can't do anything with it. I am going through depression, and it's getting worse again. Even though I have a loving GF, and many friends online, I still am lonely most of the time, and also, I'm not doing anything atm. I know some of you will come and tell me to do something with it, but it's not that easy. Depression is a disease, I would like to get it out of my life, but it doesn't happen in a blink of an eye. One thing that doesn't help with my depression is amount of stress I'm getting, mainly because of economical issues. I have no income at the moment, because of waiting time on sickness benefit. I am on sick leave for 66 days, and there's waiting time of 55 days on sickness benefit. There's just no logic. How the hell do they think I can even have any power to try to fix all this shit I have to figure out to even get money for living? The amount of stress society gives me doesn't help me at all while I'm trying to cure my depression.

I have got told by people to get myself a job. If you have audacity to tell me that, you should at least find out some facts first. There's 10.3% unemployment rate in Finland as of March this year. On 15-24 year olds (the age group I'm in), the same figure is 27.7%. It's not that easy to find a job to do. I am happy for you if you have got yourself a job easily, but you have no need to come tell me to get a job. If I could, I would. Also, for further information, there's not many employers giving jobs to people on sick leave, and also depressed people aren't the easiest employees most of the time (not always). Also, for me personally, another big thing making getting a job difficult, is the fact that I have no degree, apart from graduating from high school. Even professionals can't find jobs these days, how do you think a person with no degrees would get them any easier?

You can come tell me I am lazy, and I won't even blame you for it. I am lazy from time to time, mostly because of depression, partly because of my nature. But the situation I'm in isn't caused by laziness. It's caused by series of things from the past, leading to the depression.

At this moment, I'll have big decisions to make, but I can't make any plans to anywhere, because I'm waiting for progression on all the shit I can't affect. I will move probably before summer, but at this point, I can't say 100% sure if I will move back to my parents' or closer to my GF. I will have year-off from studies, and therefore I also have to figure out where and how I will get an income. But for now, the main thing I have to think about, is getting my own situation to improve. It will improve at some point, I know that, I can make it happen, but it won't be easy, and it won't be quick.

Also, I have to use this (again) to thank all the people that have been there for me lately. There isn't many people talking to me, and every single word you say to me, helps me. I am happy for everyone who have come to talk to me, at least said "hi". Don't be afraid to come talk to me; if I don't feel like talking, I will tell it straight away. YOU people are my fuel. YOU are the reason why I'm still breathing.

Update 20150413

Did you know that being unaware of your future is great? Me neither. Because it isn't. I can't plan anything, because I don't even know what will happen next week. I'm waiting for mail from the Social Insurance Institution (KELA) to know whether or not I get my sickness benefit for this month or not. Been waiting for too long. Also, I need to go to visit KELA anyway soon, to go and find out if I can get rehabilitation from there, to get trial jobs, and to get my life back on, or at least do something with my life. At the moment, I do absolutely nothing, everyday.

I was just re-diagnosed with moderate depression, and therefore I'm going for sick leave now, and probably/hopefully for rehabilitation as soon as possible. I need a rhythm, and because of my situation, getting job would be hard, and I can't study, I just can't get any motivation to it, and therefore I can't get forward with studies. And now, my days consists of doing nothing, and staring at TV or computer screen all day. My sleep schedule sucks too, because my brain doesn't let me sleep. Too many thoughts every single night 'cause me to have very little sleep.

Also one thing that's bringing me down at the moment, is the fact that I'm almost always alone. I am dependent on people, which was noted again after Easter weekend, when I was with my gf, and also saw couple of friends when we visited Helsinki. After it, I have been feeling very down, because I have no one. Even online, it's been quiet. Rarely people come talk to me, and I'm not good at starting conversations, because I can't find any topics to talk about, and I hate awkward silences and endings of conversations. I would love to talk to people more, but I just can't. I always think for half an hour before I can even say hi to someone, because I overthink whole conversation, and all the thoughts of the person I'm talking with. This causes me to not even start conversations. One another thing I need, is gaming company; I can't get myself any motivation to play games alone, and I don't play the most usual games, like LoL or CS or RuneScape, so finding people to play with is hard. And even if I have games in common with someone, it's unlikely for them to want to play them with me; maybe because we have played it through, or because they are playing something else with someone else. My only social come-together during days are stream chats, and some rare chats with people elsewhere. I could say that stream chats are my life, or at least one of them. Won't name it here, but the person I'm talking about knows, and most of the people who know me anyway.

Last thing I'm gonna tell you in this, is the fact, that I most probably have move coming up. I will move to Kouvola probably before, or during summer, if everything goes as planned. The reason why I move to Kouvola is solely my GF. She lives there, and getting closer to her could make my mental health better. Also, the reason why I can even think about moving, is the fact, that I'm 99% sure, I won't be continuing studies for next year; I will take year off studies, hopefully get to trial jobs via KELA, or then just try to get some work on other ways.

PS: This picture is working as a metaphor for unawareness

Rollercoaster called my mood

I thought I might aswell make an update on here. My mood has been going up and down lately, and right now, it's going down quick, mainly because of the fact, that I can't get anything done. I have no motivation to anything I should do, and therefore can't get forward in my life. Also the stress levels are getting high again, because of the fact that I know I should do something. I have to say though, that I would be way worse, if it wasn't for my loving GF. Because of her, I still can at least do something.

Another thing I wanna talk about is how students are treated in Finland at the moment. There just was law proposition about cutting student money, so you can't get student money if you go for another college/university degree. Thank god that was cancelled, but now, I think it was just a trick by government to get students happy, so we wouldn't ask for raise in student money. Because that is really what at least I want. Student money is smaller than unemployment money. What's the point in that? At least in my mind, students deserves at least same amount of money than unemployed. Right now, I'm not on student money, because it got "frozen". I've been living on social aid, which is like 10 times bigger than my student money was. There's no logic in that. Then the public wonders why students end up working long days alongside studies; maybe the reason is the fact, that they can't really get along with only study money..

But yeah, back to my life. Right now, I'm probably gonna go for partial sickness benefit, so I can still study, but don't have to stress that much on study credits. I still have to find some courses to go for next semester, but I just can't seem to find anything interesting; the thing being, nothing really interests me at the moment. I also have to find some summer job, but it's not easy without connections to anything, nor almost any work experience, and no degree on anything really.

One thing I've also noticed lately, is how much I overthink everything. My brain decides some things are way worse, than they really are; or at least I think they aren't really that bad. Won't go to details on that. Lately I've also been thinking, how many people really care about me, or want to know how I am? Apart from really my GF, I very rarely get anyone come to talk to me; every conversation I get, is started by me. I know, I also overthink that, because probably people just don't know what to say to me; I rarely know what to say to others neither, but still, sometimes I just want someone to come to ask me how I am, without me needing to ask them first. And before anyone comes to ask me now, don't. Don't do it now, just because I said it, do it if you really want to talk. I am pretty much always available for conversation, just ask; I will tell you if I'm busy on something; altho that's not pretty usual, because I really don't do anything ever.

But yeah, I know I'm not only one feeling sad at the moment, and I wanna say to you all, the bad mood is transient, it'll go away, eventually. Just stay strong, I know I will. Big hugs to all of you, and big thanks to any of you who really care! You mean the world to me! ♥

Update (LANning and other)

LANning. Yeah, that's a word; or maybe not; I don't really care..

I thought of writing a post now, because haven't done one in a long time. Now, it's about a month from the end of Assembly Winter 2015 LAN party, I decided to visit a bit ex tempore. I went there for 2 days, to see friends, and to play games and watch e-sports. It also gave me a chance to see my gf, I hadn't seen for a month before that. We got to meet for few hours, but still better than nothing :). From Assembly itself, the most remembered part was to meet some friends I hadn't seen for long time, and just get some hugs and stuff from them. I hope to get to see people as often as possible, because of the fact that I depend on them pretty much. Without people, I wouldn't be here. Overall, Assembly was nice ex tempore trip to Helsinki.

Yesterday marked the end of another LAN Party I went to called LanTrek. It was in Tampere, and it was another way to see more friends. Before that there was a not-so-good happening; I was supposed to go get my girlfriend to Tampere from her place for the week, but the slush decided otherwise. Me and my loan-car ended up upside down in a ditch (picture below the text); I didn't hurt myself, but the car didn't move on. That made some plans more difficult, but that's life. My GF got to my place then by train on Monday, and we had the start of week for ourselves. On Thursday, LanTrek started, and the happening was overall great, although it had some "ungood" happenings on the way. Especially the night between saturday and sunday was "hilpeä" (hilarious), thanks to some friends. Bad thing about the LanTrek was the fact that I still have #PetoOnIrti (Finnish song by Antti Tuisku) stuck on my head, alongside with "Pink Fluffy Unicorns Dancing on Rainbows". But well, overall the week was great, and I'd love to have another one like this as soon as possible. We'll see if I can get to Assembly Summer, and if there is any bigger happenings before that where I can get to. I have to thank everyone at the LanTrek and Assembly Winter, because you guys are the reason I am still here. Big hugs to all of you!

PS: Everyone of you I have ever met, or got to any friendship with; you are all important to me, and I can just hope I can be as important to any one of you. Stay strong, and if you need someone, feel free to message me! You people are awesome, no matter what anyone else says! Big hugs! Luv ya all!  ♥

Why don't you just ...?

I've got told many times that I should just get up and do something... It's just not that easy. It might seem like it for someone who doesn't know, but it isn't. For me, doing something is hard, because I have no passion on anything, no interest on anything. I'd need to find that something that I get passion for, before I can get myself up and running. At the moment, nothing gives me pleasure (except for my GF).. Not even video games, that gave me pleasure for multiple years, and worked as a cure for depression. Now, it's just a way to waste my time. I have nothing.

I've gotten help from multiple sources. I get helped by my friends, and family, and I also have professional help available, BUT because of the fact that I'm not interested on anything, I'm not interested even on my own life, it gets hard. I have to get that motivation boost from somewhere, but it's easier said than done. I know I'm capable of doing that, but I need time, and right now, I have no time. Society presses me down all the time. I need to do X amount of studies, to get my aid back. Yeah, it shouldn't be all about money, but in nowadays society, it pretty much is. I don't want to lose my apartment, and I don't want to move back to my parents. I've lived on my own for 2½ years now, I don't want to take step back, I want to move forward. The thing is though, I need time.

I can't get onto studies, because I don't find anything interesting. Went through all possible lanes in my university, and found NOTHING. Also, it gives extra pressure to have society pressuring me. Although I now got social aid, I don't know for how long. And with study money, it's like 50€/month I have to live with. And the same would be, if I went for sick leave (again). My financial situation pressures me, and stresses me.

Also, I've gotten told, that I have to get my own life good, before I can help others. The thing with that is, helping others works as a cure for me. Seeing someone else smile or laugh, makes me happy, especially when I have done something to get that smile to his/her face. My own life has gone up from what it was last fall, but I'm still not fully "cured", and I'll never be. Depression is always gonna haunt me somehow, that's a fact. I can ease it, but I can never get fully rid of it.

I'm glad to see how many people really care about me, and want to help me. I'll always be thankful for you, BUT I need to get something done myself. Right now, I just need that time, it's all I really need. Time for myself (and my GF), time to think things through. I just can't get that right now.

Also, right now I use this same post to complain about Finland's financing system. WHY does unemployed people get 10 times more money than students? It should be same for students, but no. As a student, I get approximately 50€/month after paying rent. Right now, as I'm on social aid, which is pretty much the same as unemployed get, I get 500€/month after rent. And then they complain in media that students do almost full-time jobs during studies.. Why would that be? Maybe it is because we can't get money from anywhere else? I just can't get the reason, why it is like that... I would like to be unemployed right now, but to get that, I can't be a student, and pretty much I need to finish some studies and get profession, to get to be unemployed...

But yeah, that's it for now, I hope you understood my points. Feel free to ask on comments below, or in my social media (links on the right).