Thank You For 2014

So, I want to thank you ALL OF YOU PEOPLE for year 2014. Without people I've met, and made friends with, I wouldn't be alive anymore, period.

2014 was a year of ups and downs for me personally, but if anyone would have told me at end of 2013 that I'd be in the situation I'm in at the moment, I would have laughed straight to their faces; or actually, I wouldn't have laughed, because I wasn't laughing at anything at that point. I'm still depressed, I'm still feeling bad often, but still, I'm way, way better than I was a year ago. And that's because of YOU. People on the internet, YOU saved my life. I've come long way after Fall 2013 to this point. Even though 2014 was the year I went suicidal, I'd still say, it was way better than 2013. After all, I now have way more people to talk to, than I had last year.

There are certain people that have helped me more than others, and they know who they are, won't name them here; I will thank you privately. Altogether I can thank everyone who I have talked with during this year, because every single one of you mean more than you can even think about.

Thank you for this year, and I can already see, 2015 will be even better!

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Christmas 2014

So, it's almost Christmas now. I'm happy for Christmas really, but it's not that big change to my normal life lately. I'm not really waiting for much for Christmas itself, but more for time after it, because getting together with my gf ♥.

My Christmas will go at my parents, probably not lot of gifts to get, because I got my "biggest" gift (PS4) already as combined birthday and christmas gift. And actually, I don't really need that much anything, apart from money, but money as christmas gift isn't really the thing.

Another update on my life: I might still get social aid for next spring, which would be nice. I still have to get to my studies tho, but if I get long-time aid for spring, I don't have to stress about the points that much, and I can start studying slowly, because I am not really able to study full day, at least for right now, depression still going on, and the stress levels are too high to handle full day studies.

This short post should do it for now! Stay happy, have a merry christmas, and big hugs to all of you!

My normal day(?)

What do I do usually? What do my days consist of? Let's break this down:

My usual day consists of... NOTHING... I wake up at around 10am usually, get up at around 11am, go to my laptop, and sit there for rest of the day... That's it.. My social life is online, so it's not all bad to sit at my laptop... The bad thing is, I can't get myself up to do anything, and I end up sitting on pretty much the same spot for 12h a day, or even more...

I have to get that fixed somehow; one thing to do that would be if I find a study line I like and get motivation into. Then I had something to do during days, something that really would help me going forward. My life is empty, that's how it has been for over a year now... I have nothing to do, I have nothing to go forward with... For now... 

I know I have possibility to find that, it's just not gonna be easy. Now, I have more in my life than I did about half a year ago though, but still, I need help going forward, and I'm pleased I have got help already; my gf, my online friends, my family, they all are pushing me forward, trying to get me to do something during days. It's still hard for me to get anywhere, because my brain pushes me down; I just CAN'T get myself up to do anything at the moment...

Right now, I'm just waiting for christmas to come, get some time off my stress, although I still have to get through one book exam before christmas, which might be hard, but is possible. Even more than christmas, I wait for time after christmas, because we're going to get together with my GF. 

Getting forward, I know I can do it, but I also know that it's not gonna be easy. I'm still not fully out of depression, it still pushes me down from time to time, but I can get over it, I know I can; I've gone through worse!

Internet and Me

My relationship with internet is pretty simply this: "Internet saved my life". There's nothing to add to that. If there wasn't for Internet, I wouldn't be here anymore, period.

I have got many good friends online, and also some of them I have been privileged to meet in real life. I can't be more thankful to these people, who can take me as I am, after all, my background being what it is, it's hard for me to trust anyone, and hard for me to think that I will ever get any friends, or at least that's how it was before I ended up watching streams regularly. Some people mind find it odd, but it's easier for me to be myself online, than "in real life". I find it easier to be genuine and open in here, than if I see someone. That's why it's hard for me to get friends in where I live. I have absolutely no friends that I could see daily, or even weekly, in here. That's why I use every chance I get to see internet friends.

Another thing that some might find "odd", is that most of my best friends online are younger than me, and also most people I talk to are girls (yes there are girls online). For me, as I have thought about reasons for this, I usually come to conclusion, that I don't like people my age, probably somewhat coming from the bullying I've been through in my life, which have made me unable to trust pretty much anyone, and also the fact, that I'm 100% non-drinker, which hardens things in my age; most people my age are going to bars "every" weekend. Also, I mostly think that my brain is younger than my real age. My brain is still "teenager", so I find myself pretty often talking to people younger than me, because I have same opinions, etc. The reason why I am more open with girls than boys? That probably comes from the fact that people who bullied me as little were mostly boys.

I will NEVER stop being online; if I can't get to social media for longer than couple of days, I would "die", because my whole social life is online. Thank you Internet; thank you all of you!

Sleeping and studies

I have been told that I should get my sleep schedule better; get to sleep earlier and stuff like that, by many people. For now, I usually go to bed no earlier than 3am, which isn't good, and I know that. Some of that is because I kind of know, I won't get sleep, because of the stress I'm having over my own life at the moment. Sleeping has never been easy for me, 1-2 years ago, I had fear of sleep, which didn't help. Nowadays, 6 hours of sleep is good enough for my body, at least it seems like it, but still, I know I should get longer sleep, because at the moment, I also have chance to get that.

Stress over studies is mostly because of my situation right now. I will not get my Student Financial Aid back before I get 20 study credits, and social support won't probably pay me anything after December, because they are not willing to pay for students, other than short periods. Reason why it's getting stressing, is because I have no motivation to study, at least this lane I'm on. Right now, I'm studying Computer Science, although taking maths and statistics courses right now. I don't really think that's what I want to study. 

Lately, I've been starting to thing, if I should go for social studies. I like helping people, as you probably knew if you read my last post. Although I like it, I don't think my head can take it, if I started doing it professionally. I know you should "study what you like", but for me, I also have to look at what I want to do after studies. If I get degree on social studies, do I really want to, or can I even do that professionally? I could try to get into that study line, see what it's like, and then think forward, but I don't know. 

Another thing about my studies at the moment is, that even if I happen to get those study credits needed, and get my student aid back, it's still only 40€ a month that I will get after paying rent, so I pretty much need some evening and/or weekend job even if I continue studies, or I have to get cheaper apartment, which I wouldn't like to do, because I like it here. Another option is, that I get full-time job, and stop studying. Anyhow, I will most probably need to get a job, and there isn't much job market in where I live, and having only High School graduation papers doesn't help with that, also noting that only job experience I have is that 3 months of civil service, and that wasn't even on field of work I would like to go to anyways. 

Anyhow, my sleeping should be better, but it doesn't have to get better, at least in my mind. Study-wise, I would have to get those 20 study credits, or at least some, and see where I go after holidays. 

© Joonas Tamminen / Owava

About me

Hello people! My name is Joonas, also known as Owava online. I am 21yo guy from Tampere, Finland. I decided to start this blog, because I wanted to try a way to open my thoughts to people; no one knows how long I can keep this up.

Backstory: I was bullied for long time, since 1st grade, all through to high school; in 3rd grade I noticed I was starting to have symptoms of depression. I decided to hide it, until finally about 1 year ago, I decided to do something with it, and got diagnosed to have depression. Longer version of this story is available here.

I am still going through depression, and right now, I am having no motivation at all to study, and I'm getting stressed, because I have 3 weeks or so to get 20 study credits (4 university courses), or I will have no income after New Year.

Other than that, my life is going upwards; I have had lovely girlfriend for about 2 months now ♥... There's just one problem I've been noticing lately: I care way more about well-being of others than myself. That is also one reason why I can't get forward in my own life. I know I need to start doing something to get forward, but in other hand, I don't know what I want to do for rest of my life, and it's hard for me to find motivation to anything, or at least anything that will get me any income...

For any depressed person reading, don't leave it to yourself; don't do the mistake I did. The faster you go for help, faster you will get help, and get better. Stay strong! And if you feel need to talk someone, feel free to contact me. You can find me on Twitter, feel free to contact, I'll try to help as much as I can! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!