Failure

I can't help myself from overthinking the past, how much I actually have failed, and how much I have just aborted because of the fact that I just couldn't. Competitive sports (floorball and football), I stopped because of loss of playtime and therefore passion, now afterwards I have passion for floorball, but now it's too late to start again, and I'm not someone who wants to play it un-competitively. I stopped playing at the time I was in worse condition mentally, but still. I have also stopped studying in University twice after I got in, I'm now trying but I'm starting to feel again, that I don't have it in me. No passion, no motivation. Also my civil service ended short, because of depression at the time. There's not a lot I have finished, that I've wanted. Of course the fact that I have to rely financially on someone else, because I can't get my life together, to even get student aid back, stresses me way too much, and the fact that I can't get my life together stresses me from the get-go, and it physically drains me also. I feel like I've failed also in friendships, a lot. I had many people to talk to about 3-4 years ago, and they've just slowly faded away to the point I'm at now. I rarely have anyone other to speak to than my GF, and my mother.

I'm turning 23 in 20 days, and I still have no idea what I want to, or even could, do with my life. NADA. My psyche is slowly dying (once again). My head can't handle the stress levels, that others and me myself are putting in. While at the same point, I'm just happy I'm still here, and I've moved on in my relationship and stuff around that, my personal life is draining, alongside with my social life. No social life here IRL in Tampere, apart from the lectures and tutorials, which are just forced communications. Social life here in Internet has also almost died recently. I'd like to be a streamer, but I don't have motivation to stream with two or fewer viewers, especially when the people I can still think are my friends, never support, or tell what's wrong with my stream that they never get there.

I visited DigiExpo/GamExpo/etc. in Helsinki yesterday with my GF. That was a chance to see some online friends, but even though I tried to ask people weeks prior on which day they were going, almost no one answered, and the answers I got were "I don't know". Then right after I locked in that we were going on Sunday, everyone else was going on Saturday. I couldn't change it anymore, I had "babysitting" to do on Saturday myself. When I ever try to ask something about something that would affect my planning on some events, that are possibilities to meet some of you, no one seems to notice, I get ignored, but then again, when I post something #relatable, people somehow notice me. Yeah, that's usual in terms of social media, but that just gives me the thoughts that there's not really that many that cares. The fact that I get ignored A LOT, gets me feelings that lots of people just act as being my friends, telling me how great person I am, and then they really don't show anything to go with their saying.

I'm not perfect, no one is, I'm far from it. I'm people-pleaser, if I get someone to feel bad, I take it very personally, and it drains me. I'm also people-pleaser, because I deep inside want someone to someday give something back to me, even though I know very well, that's not right reason to do anything. I'm still 100% pure heart when I say nice things to people, give virtual hugs, and try to help when someone feels bad, that comes from heart, but I have noticed that the fact that no one seems to care about my feel-bad moments, I tend to make questions in own head that "Why should I care?". I still do, there's nothing that can get that away from me, I care about everyone, because I don't want anyone to end up in state that I'm in.

Every question I ask seems to go to deaf ears. I know there are people who just can't contact me, because of me not being easily contactable, I can see that, and I've got people who have told me that. I don't contact many people, even though I should, and I'd want to, but I go through the conversations in my head, and stop before I even start. I have lost all contact to some people I still think are some of best friends I've ever had. That I got reminded today morning, when Facebook memory reminded me of something.

To put full circle now, am I a failure? In my head I am, and I have no trust of getting myself to really finish anything. There are people who always tell me I can do it, but in the end, only one in the way, is me. And I don't seem to get out of the way any time soon. I need something to have passion in, like I've had in video games for so long, but it needs to be something that really helps me getting forward, something that helps me getting my personal life to move. I'm on a rollercoaster stuck in bottom of a hill, and I need myself to push it back up, but I might not (and I know I don't need to) do it by myself. 

My laptop broke and other updates

So, my laptop decided to break.. Probably it was the SSD that just stopped working, because now I can't even reinstall Windows on the disk, and it says on repair software that it's empty. Now have to somehow get new HDD/SSD or something and reinstall Windows on it. Hopefully it was fully SSD fault, and not on something else, that will break the next disk just as quick. I have temporary laptop that my dad gave me, which has Linux as OS. Will take a while to get used to, but I just can't see myself using this 'full-time'. Linux is something I would like to see grow big enough to start using, but it still misses so many features, that it's still no for me, maybe in the future.

Another update, I started studying English in Uni, started 3 courses now on this period, will see how it goes. It seems like easy and likeable, but getting motivation is something I can't get myself doing. And the fact that my social aid got discontinued because of my GF's study aid. Financial stress is getting back, and that's something that doesn't help me study. I could live with the income we're having, but that would be macaroni and ketchup everyday, and nothing else in life but studying. I need something else too! At least I got myself to start studying again, but for some reason, I still don't have any trust on myself getting this done.. Whilst my income was pretty much zeroed, and then the very next day my laptop broke, life is just kicking me down to the ground. And I didn't even get the lottery jackpot two days later. When life gives you lemons and so on.. I'm gonna need that sugar to make that lemonade sweet enough. I need some other things to do, like gaming and speaking with people. There's rare people that speak to me at all, and I miss many things because of the fact that I don't get told. It's been like that online for a long while, and then sometimes afterwards I get the blame of not knowing something, whilst I wasn't even informed.

My social life is still dying, because there's no way I can befriend anyone on the University, because I'm a "second subject student" on English, and I have no interest in parties or anything like that, for reasons most of you know. Every opportunity to make friends with people from Uni outside of school is in bars or parties, and involve alcohol, and I severely dislike drunk people in general. Old social life, from online, is also dying slow painful death, whilst I'm not too keen on watching and interacting on streams, apart from a few, my daily social life is almost non-existing. Apart from my GF of course. I got into CS:GO and got some friends to play with me, but now that my laptop broke, that's also gone for now. My social life is in Twitter, where I update most regularly, but rarely get any reactions on my tweets. There was Tube meet-up about which I tweeted multiple times, I got 2-3 reactions on them. I finally decided to not even go there, because of the fact that there wasn't anyone that clearly wanted me there, and also I got some babysitting for my aunt on the weekend too. I liked the fact that I got into some social life, but I'm still not good with kids; or I am, but I'm not good on getting myself to do anything with them, without getting told what to do. That's problem also outside of this topic. If I don't get exact instructions on what to do and how to do it, I won't do anything, because I'm too afraid, and "too sure" that I will do something wrong. I fear mistakes, even though I know they are part of humanity, I still fear them. I get nothing done, if I'm not told to do something.

I spend lots and lots of time just staring at chatboxes and conversations on different social medias. I just can't start saying anything, I just stare at it, and go through whole conversation, and then end up not starting it, because of how it ended in my head. I don't know how to start conversation with anyone, because I so rarely have them. It's an eternal circle.

In other news, I shouldn't be awake at this hour, but I still am because of the upcoming hockey match between the Lions and USA. Probably will fall asleep after first period, like one time before, but I still try. Lecture tomorrow 15-16, probably will visit YTHS (health care facility of Uni) also, to get my ears emptied, because one of them just went totally deaf, because of earwax. Nothing else for now, have a great night, morning, day, evening, or whatever, depending on when you're reading this. I will post this at night anyways, even though I will get very few views that way. Hugs to everyone! Remember to smile, even if it's hard. Smile for me, because I can't right now :)

Just another update with very interesting title

So, I got moved. Me and my GF moved from Kouvola to Tampere to continue/start studies in University. My goal is to get started again, and hopefully I can achieve that. My motivation is still low, because I don't have passion over anything I could study about. Also financial stress doesn't help at all. But yeah, this was a big step again, and hopefully into good direction. Now that I've been living in Tampere for one week again, this city just keeps getting better for me. I just love this city. Nice places to walk and many places to see.

In other things, some of you might've noticed, I took a break from social media for a week or so during the move. I said that I was gonna vanish from SoMe completely under the nickname, and I already also made a new nickname, but finally decided to come back, because there's too much I'd lose doing that. I still did change nickname, but not entirely. The reason behind the decision was that I was getting too much hate just when my name was seen in chats. Also the fact that in some chat groups, every time I said something differing from "public opinion", I got 'attacked', or at least that's how it felt because everybody was on other opinion's side, and defended the guy I had differences with. In the end I get told how I'm childish, because someone purposefully tries to make me mad, and I get it personally. Just because of the fact that afterwards when I seem mad, they say it was all a joke. I don't take many things as joke, because bullying and calling names should never be a joke. The fact that I get called names, then I answer to them, and then I get called childish, is just bullshit. Everytime I say something, I say something wrong. So yeah, I just vanished for over a week or so in the end. There are some people who take their fun from agitating other people, so called trolls, who afterwards just safe their asses by saying it was all a joke. And then people, like me, who get agitated, are called names for being childish idiots.. Just for pure interest, how am I childish, and the trolls aren't? They are just 'comedians'. I have zero tolerance on trolls, because that's the stupidest thing a man can do in the internet. PERIOD.

Also happened: I visited Assembly Summer for a day, glad at least some people there were kind to me. I still spent time there alone, because I was mainly running between 3-4 different computer places, and I had no group that I really belonged in. Still, it was more fun that I thought it would be. There are still people who really are kind and want me in their lives. My next LAN party probably will be LanTrek '17, if not visiting Assembly Winter. I am waiting for it, because probably there aren't many places to see online friends otherwise before that. The LAN parties are the time that I feel like belonging to somewhere, even though I'm still a person in the back that just walks around and listens people's conversations, without making moves to jump in them. I hope that people would still accept me as I am, but not take me for granted. I won't be always there for you, if you're never there for me. I am overly friendly, but that can also change if people give me no reason to.

Picture from Pyynikki, Tampere

LanTrek '16 and updates

This week went by at Tampere in LanTrek '16 LAN event. 4th time there, and it was good, but been better. Probably timing of the event was worse, because didn't meet that many friends there, but still good to see the few I see once or twice a year at most. But bad part of this, those few times a year are only times I can see they are my friends. To be honest, I'm starting to doubt if some of them are even really my friends. People are being nice to me at meet-ups IRL, but then it's half a year of no contacting at all.

I push myself to contact some people for few days, or even more, and then I get ignored when I finally get the courage to say something. Maybe people are that busy every time I contact them just to have someone to talk to, but still they could say something back. I get answers if I ask people something, and I get contacted when I'm needed in something. I'm hard to contact, I can give you that, because I suck at small talk, and if there's anything 'wrong' I could say to make other person mad, I say nothing. I'm too kind at times and that affects my social life in negative way.

There are some people I think about every single day; thinking that I should send them a message, but because of overthinking the whole conversation (which never ends up in positive way), or pre-assuming I'll be ignored, I just can't start the conversation, and then I just get mad at myself and life because of the fact that I'm afraid to talk. I dislike myself, that's a fact. There's very few things I can really say that I like about myself. That probably comes from the fact that I rarely got a praise when I was young, and now I take every praise as sarcasm.

Almost everytime when I have long convo in my head about someone I should talk to, it ends up with me telling myself he/she hates me and just acts that I'm a friend to them. When only a few (you are important ♥ ) people take the step to talk to me, it takes away my motivation to talk to them. When at LanTrek I had company, I had a group that I felt I was part of, but then it stopped the day the event ended.

The feeling of loneliness and being not liked just got bigger two weeks ago when my gf was on holiday for two weeks. Those two weeks were long, even though I spent almost a week of that at my parents'. I spent them alone at home, playing video games with some random people that might be my friends in good days, but who don't know anything about me. Then the people I can, or at least could a year back, call friends, were nowhere to be seen. I tried to stream, with no luck of having anyone watching. That ate my motivation wholy. I spent few days after that just laying down watching stupid shows on TV and playing NHL and FIFA for 6 hours straight. My motivation at life was down to zero at points, because I get nothing going. I need something more in my life than watching tv and playing with my girlfriend.

No luck with job-finding for summer, no plans at all for summer, seems like it's gonna be long summer with few meet-ups. Assembly is coming up, but we'll see if I even go there, last few weren't really worth it, other than the few hugs from good friends. Will see if people get me motivated enough to go there, because they (read you) are the only reason I really even go to those things. My online friends are only people I have in my life apart from my GF, and they are getting further and further away every day, until they get close for few days at some event, and then get back to getting away.

I don't really know what I should do with my life right now. I can't see myself getting up and running for studying after summer, or during summer, if I have nothing to do in summer. I was on top of the hill about a year ago, but I'm going back down, thanks to myself being difficult.

Thank you anyways to everyone at LanTrek, it was nice event once again anyhow. And thanks for everyone who tries to contact me even some times. You are important. ♥

Too big steps

Step to start a conversation... It's size is about the same as Mt Everest for me, because I can't small talk, and because I fear social situations. I have diagnosed fear of social situations, and that's something that hardens both my social life with friends and trying to get a job. Talking through phone is one of the hardest things I have to do. I just can't do it, especially formal conversations. Also, I don't have social life, because I don't start conversations, because I CAN'T. People who know me well enough, know that face to face -conversations with me are always awkward, because I can't keep up the small talk. That's the reason why for me the effort I have to make to start conversation is triple the size of someone who doesn't have the fear of social situations. That's why I just hope sometimes someone contacted me, without me needing to start it. 

How does the fear show up? It shows up by me not being able to do stuff in social situations, via phone or face to face. If I'm not asked a question, I'm not talking. If I'm not talked to, I'm not starting the conversation; no ability to small talk, no ability to keeping conversation up. That's something I want to learn, but I can't. Some wise man said 'if someone wants you in their life, their make an effort to keep you in it' or something along that line. That makes me think that there's no one who wants me in their life, because there's rarely, if ever, a message that comes to me just to start a conversation, without needing something from me. Of course I get contacted, if I'm needed in something, but that's it. 

Believe me when I say this: I want every single one of you, who are in my life, to stay here, but unfortunately I can't show it good enough. I have a fear, that I can't handle. I can learn out of it, but it takes time, and I can't do it by myself. I have contacted social workers, and I'm waiting for them to call to assign a time for me to talk. I can just hope it will help me in any way. I don't have a job, I can't study, my life is stopped. I live on social aid, but who knows for how long. Because my social life is pretty much non-existant to a point, that doesn't help my 'healing' either. I'm depressed, I'm afraid, I'm not getting forward. Future is unclear, past is full of bad memories, present is just hanging on, to nothing. 

Do I belong?

SUOMEKSI this post is translated from Finnish - might not have perfect grammar

Do I belong anywhere? This is what I thought about last night, and what it means is that I've been starting to feel, that I'm not in any group, but I'm only part of groups, and if I weren't there, nobody would even notice. I noticed that partly at Assembly LAN party, where I was walking around with some people, but that's it; people moved from place to place quickly, and few times, I ended up sitting alone with my GF. I'm not that social myself, and that's part of the problem, but I still want to feel like I'm really part of even one group. It's same online right now; I'm not noticed, and it feels that if I disappeared, it wouldn't be noted, people would just continue in normal way. I'm outsider, even as part of a community.

At the same time, I've thought why am I even here? I became SoMe addict, because I could be more "me" in here than in real life, but now I feel, that there's no one here anymore. My personal life also isn't moving forward at the moment. I'm seeking for job, passively, but there's no job to be seen. And I know, it's partly my own fault, because I can't get myself to go ask for job face to face, because it's too big step for me, because I'm shy and unsocial. That gives me stress, because I have no idea how I get money to live. At this moment 100% of my income is from social aid, and I don't want it to be like that. I want a job, but I can't get one, and I want a motivation to study, but nothing interests me.

One more thing from Assembly: At the end of LANs, I was sent to go get a trolley for the group... I waited for one to free for about half an hour, and guess what: the group I was getting it for, had already got one from elsewhere during that time, and of course, no one told me.. And then I just walked back to the door with empty trolley. It can seem like small thing for lot of you, but it annoyed me pretty much even then. It just makes the feel that I'm outsider even bigger in my head... I'm not even remembered. Yes, it's wrong way to think, but that's how it goes in my head. Assembly was great happening for me again, because I don't see people that often, but once again, was it worth it? I live for my friends, but is it worth it? Thank you anyway for all of the people who spent time with me in there, you are wonderful ♥.

I'm weak.

I'm weak, mentally and physically. I can't say no to anything, because all I care about is other people's well-being. I don't even really care about my life. I put everyone ahead of myself, and I can tell you that it's getting hard on my brain. I'm going back down deeper to depression, just because of my own weakness and stupidity.

From someone who hasn't been in this situation, it can be easy to say that just think about yourself. It can seem easy for you, but because I'm people pleaser by nature, it's not that easy. I can't make anyone around me sad, or mad at me. I don't want to see it, I just don't. That's the reason why I'm quickly going downhill again. I have loving girlfriend, but sometimes I think I'm too weak to say no, even tho I want to. And sorry that YOU have to read this from my blog, I'm too weak to say it face-to-face. I'm getting tired mentally and physically, because of my people pleasing nature.

Everyone of you, who have been around me, know me as lovely and kind person. That's who I am, but for my mind, it's getting hard. I would like to have my own time, but I can't get it, because of the fact that I can't think for myself ahead of others. My life goes around my girlfriend. Before I do anything, I always have to think how it affects her, and usually I don't do what I want to because of that. Same goes with friends, who I rarely see. I'm just a follower without own life.

That's also one reason why I'm 'afraid' to get a job. I see myself as a failure in that job, even before I have tried a single second. And because I don't want to make anyone mad, I can't fail, even tho everyone makes mistakes. I'm applying for jobs when anything I could be able to do, comes up, but no luck so far. I'm actually up for even an un-paid job at the moment, because I would just need to get myself daily rhythm, but it's hard to get even those at today's society. I have no contacts, I have no degree, I have no experience... That leads to having no job. That's the wheel that's spinning.

Another thing about my life at the moment, it starts to seem (again) that I only have my girlfriend. She's all I have, she's only one who cares. And even tho it should be enough, it isn't. I need someone else in my life too. I have no friends, outside some streams and random messages on Twitter. I'm glad Assembly Winter is coming, so I can see some people in person again, if I can get there. Money is running low. As I type this, I have 20€ in my bank account, and I have ~50€ of bills to pay. I'm waiting for social aid, which should be coming, but you never know. My economical stress level is high, because I'll never know when it hits 0.

When I have multiple days in row, where only social life I have is my gf and the trip to the shop, it's getting hard on me. My social life is shit, that I can say straight. That I could fix myself by going out to do something, but because I'm too afraid and I hate myself, I can't make new contacts. I'm afraid they don't like me, and every conversation is going through my head beforehand; and they don't look good. And because I know there will be people telling me I'm good person, there's nothing to be afraid of, I can tell you that I'd agree, but somehow still something pulls me back from every new situation, if it's not forced. I think I just need my current friends from online to get closer, I can't make new contacts. I just can't get myself up and running. I can't do it by myself, I can't do it even with my girlfriend's help (thank you, you're doing best you can ♥ ).. I need some friend(s) that I can hang out with. I'm not outgoing, but I still like to hang-out with friends. I can't speak about my problems, because typing is easier, so phone calls don't help. I need face-to-face contacts, that's the situation when I probably could speak.

But yeah, again, thanks for reading this post, and thanks for being interested in my so-called life. I'm thankful.

Finnish break: Anteeksi niille teistä jotka ette ymmärrä englantia, en tule kääntämään tätä, joten kyselkää muilta, jos ette ymmärrä jotain, tai käyttäkää kääntäjiä. Mun englannin kieli on loppuviimein melko simppeliä, joten kääntäjätkin auttavat jo paljon :)