Monday, November 7, 2016


I can't help myself from overthinking the past, how much I actually have failed, and how much I have just aborted because of the fact that I just couldn't. Competitive sports (floorball and football), I stopped because of loss of playtime and therefore passion, now afterwards I have passion for floorball, but now it's too late to start again, and I'm not someone who wants to play it un-competitively. I stopped playing at the time I was in worse condition mentally, but still. I have also stopped studying in University twice after I got in, I'm now trying but I'm starting to feel again, that I don't have it in me. No passion, no motivation. Also my civil service ended short, because of depression at the time. There's not a lot I have finished, that I've wanted. Of course the fact that I have to rely financially on someone else, because I can't get my life together, to even get student aid back, stresses me way too much, and the fact that I can't get my life together stresses me from the get-go, and it physically drains me also. I feel like I've failed also in friendships, a lot. I had many people to talk to about 3-4 years ago, and they've just slowly faded away to the point I'm at now. I rarely have anyone other to speak to than my GF, and my mother.

I'm turning 23 in 20 days, and I still have no idea what I want to, or even could, do with my life. NADA. My psyche is slowly dying (once again). My head can't handle the stress levels, that others and me myself are putting in. While at the same point, I'm just happy I'm still here, and I've moved on in my relationship and stuff around that, my personal life is draining, alongside with my social life. No social life here IRL in Tampere, apart from the lectures and tutorials, which are just forced communications. Social life here in Internet has also almost died recently. I'd like to be a streamer, but I don't have motivation to stream with two or fewer viewers, especially when the people I can still think are my friends, never support, or tell what's wrong with my stream that they never get there.

I visited DigiExpo/GamExpo/etc. in Helsinki yesterday with my GF. That was a chance to see some online friends, but even though I tried to ask people weeks prior on which day they were going, almost no one answered, and the answers I got were "I don't know". Then right after I locked in that we were going on Sunday, everyone else was going on Saturday. I couldn't change it anymore, I had "babysitting" to do on Saturday myself. When I ever try to ask something about something that would affect my planning on some events, that are possibilities to meet some of you, no one seems to notice, I get ignored, but then again, when I post something #relatable, people somehow notice me. Yeah, that's usual in terms of social media, but that just gives me the thoughts that there's not really that many that cares. The fact that I get ignored A LOT, gets me feelings that lots of people just act as being my friends, telling me how great person I am, and then they really don't show anything to go with their saying.

I'm not perfect, no one is, I'm far from it. I'm people-pleaser, if I get someone to feel bad, I take it very personally, and it drains me. I'm also people-pleaser, because I deep inside want someone to someday give something back to me, even though I know very well, that's not right reason to do anything. I'm still 100% pure heart when I say nice things to people, give virtual hugs, and try to help when someone feels bad, that comes from heart, but I have noticed that the fact that no one seems to care about my feel-bad moments, I tend to make questions in own head that "Why should I care?". I still do, there's nothing that can get that away from me, I care about everyone, because I don't want anyone to end up in state that I'm in.

Every question I ask seems to go to deaf ears. I know there are people who just can't contact me, because of me not being easily contactable, I can see that, and I've got people who have told me that. I don't contact many people, even though I should, and I'd want to, but I go through the conversations in my head, and stop before I even start. I have lost all contact to some people I still think are some of best friends I've ever had. That I got reminded today morning, when Facebook memory reminded me of something.

To put full circle now, am I a failure? In my head I am, and I have no trust of getting myself to really finish anything. There are people who always tell me I can do it, but in the end, only one in the way, is me. And I don't seem to get out of the way any time soon. I need something to have passion in, like I've had in video games for so long, but it needs to be something that really helps me getting forward, something that helps me getting my personal life to move. I'm on a rollercoaster stuck in bottom of a hill, and I need myself to push it back up, but I might not (and I know I don't need to) do it by myself. 

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