Wednesday, September 14, 2016

My laptop broke and other updates

So, my laptop decided to break.. Probably it was the SSD that just stopped working, because now I can't even reinstall Windows on the disk, and it says on repair software that it's empty. Now have to somehow get new HDD/SSD or something and reinstall Windows on it. Hopefully it was fully SSD fault, and not on something else, that will break the next disk just as quick. I have temporary laptop that my dad gave me, which has Linux as OS. Will take a while to get used to, but I just can't see myself using this 'full-time'. Linux is something I would like to see grow big enough to start using, but it still misses so many features, that it's still no for me, maybe in the future.

Another update, I started studying English in Uni, started 3 courses now on this period, will see how it goes. It seems like easy and likeable, but getting motivation is something I can't get myself doing. And the fact that my social aid got discontinued because of my GF's study aid. Financial stress is getting back, and that's something that doesn't help me study. I could live with the income we're having, but that would be macaroni and ketchup everyday, and nothing else in life but studying. I need something else too! At least I got myself to start studying again, but for some reason, I still don't have any trust on myself getting this done.. Whilst my income was pretty much zeroed, and then the very next day my laptop broke, life is just kicking me down to the ground. And I didn't even get the lottery jackpot two days later. When life gives you lemons and so on.. I'm gonna need that sugar to make that lemonade sweet enough. I need some other things to do, like gaming and speaking with people. There's rare people that speak to me at all, and I miss many things because of the fact that I don't get told. It's been like that online for a long while, and then sometimes afterwards I get the blame of not knowing something, whilst I wasn't even informed.

My social life is still dying, because there's no way I can befriend anyone on the University, because I'm a "second subject student" on English, and I have no interest in parties or anything like that, for reasons most of you know. Every opportunity to make friends with people from Uni outside of school is in bars or parties, and involve alcohol, and I severely dislike drunk people in general. Old social life, from online, is also dying slow painful death, whilst I'm not too keen on watching and interacting on streams, apart from a few, my daily social life is almost non-existing. Apart from my GF of course. I got into CS:GO and got some friends to play with me, but now that my laptop broke, that's also gone for now. My social life is in Twitter, where I update most regularly, but rarely get any reactions on my tweets. There was Tube meet-up about which I tweeted multiple times, I got 2-3 reactions on them. I finally decided to not even go there, because of the fact that there wasn't anyone that clearly wanted me there, and also I got some babysitting for my aunt on the weekend too. I liked the fact that I got into some social life, but I'm still not good with kids; or I am, but I'm not good on getting myself to do anything with them, without getting told what to do. That's problem also outside of this topic. If I don't get exact instructions on what to do and how to do it, I won't do anything, because I'm too afraid, and "too sure" that I will do something wrong. I fear mistakes, even though I know they are part of humanity, I still fear them. I get nothing done, if I'm not told to do something.

I spend lots and lots of time just staring at chatboxes and conversations on different social medias. I just can't start saying anything, I just stare at it, and go through whole conversation, and then end up not starting it, because of how it ended in my head. I don't know how to start conversation with anyone, because I so rarely have them. It's an eternal circle.

In other news, I shouldn't be awake at this hour, but I still am because of the upcoming hockey match between the Lions and USA. Probably will fall asleep after first period, like one time before, but I still try. Lecture tomorrow 15-16, probably will visit YTHS (health care facility of Uni) also, to get my ears emptied, because one of them just went totally deaf, because of earwax. Nothing else for now, have a great night, morning, day, evening, or whatever, depending on when you're reading this. I will post this at night anyways, even though I will get very few views that way. Hugs to everyone! Remember to smile, even if it's hard. Smile for me, because I can't right now :)

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