Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Too big steps

Step to start a conversation... It's size is about the same as Mt Everest for me, because I can't small talk, and because I fear social situations. I have diagnosed fear of social situations, and that's something that hardens both my social life with friends and trying to get a job. Talking through phone is one of the hardest things I have to do. I just can't do it, especially formal conversations. Also, I don't have social life, because I don't start conversations, because I CAN'T. People who know me well enough, know that face to face -conversations with me are always awkward, because I can't keep up the small talk. That's the reason why for me the effort I have to make to start conversation is triple the size of someone who doesn't have the fear of social situations. That's why I just hope sometimes someone contacted me, without me needing to start it. 

How does the fear show up? It shows up by me not being able to do stuff in social situations, via phone or face to face. If I'm not asked a question, I'm not talking. If I'm not talked to, I'm not starting the conversation; no ability to small talk, no ability to keeping conversation up. That's something I want to learn, but I can't. Some wise man said 'if someone wants you in their life, their make an effort to keep you in it' or something along that line. That makes me think that there's no one who wants me in their life, because there's rarely, if ever, a message that comes to me just to start a conversation, without needing something from me. Of course I get contacted, if I'm needed in something, but that's it. 

Believe me when I say this: I want every single one of you, who are in my life, to stay here, but unfortunately I can't show it good enough. I have a fear, that I can't handle. I can learn out of it, but it takes time, and I can't do it by myself. I have contacted social workers, and I'm waiting for them to call to assign a time for me to talk. I can just hope it will help me in any way. I don't have a job, I can't study, my life is stopped. I live on social aid, but who knows for how long. Because my social life is pretty much non-existant to a point, that doesn't help my 'healing' either. I'm depressed, I'm afraid, I'm not getting forward. Future is unclear, past is full of bad memories, present is just hanging on, to nothing. 

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