I am too kind

I have lately noticed, how much people have abused my kindness in the past. The fact that it's hard for me to say no, and I much rather just accept everything, is easy thing to be abused, but it's painful to understand it afterwards. My kindness comes from the fact, that I put everyone else before myself. So if someone asks me to do something, I will most likely say yes, to make them happy, no matter how bad it might make me feel. It also saves me from conflicts and arguments with other people, because I am a "yes man". Kindness is a trait that I actually like about myself, but too much is too much in this as well. You can be too kind, to the level that it hurts yourself more than it helps others. 

Along with this, I absolutely hate conflicts around me. Even a small argument about something absolutely meaningless, will drain my mental stamina to zero in no time. This I noticed when road tripping with family last two weeks. Smallest of things causing my head to burst, and my "fight or flight" instinct kicks in... And there isn't really "fight" in that instinct on me. I just want to get out. If people are fighting or arguing around me, I will close myself out of the place mentally, almost instantly. But then there comes the overthinking: "Should I do something about this?", "Is there anything I can do to help this?", "Did I cause this?"... Usually the answer is "no", but my brain doesn't find it quickly. 

Another update on my current situation; my mental health is going down at the moment. I am deep down most of the nights, even with ongoing therapy. I am probably ending my studies (again), and trying to get myself into some work... If only any employee would hire a uneducated man with almost no work experience. But will see how that goes in not too long time, hopefully. I was volunteering at IIHF World Champs, as a "chauffeur", and it was fun, and I could see that as a career, but then came the diagnose of sleep apnea, that put my professional driver career hopes at least on pause. I will get treatment gear in little over a month for that, and I hope I will have big positive effects from that, that might also help my mental health, and get myself to do more stuff on daily basis. 

I will be continuing volunteering at Assembly Summer in under two weeks, but that is a thing that is "scaring" me a bit... Mainly because I have no idea what I will do there, and my own head keeps telling me, that whatever it is, I will fail it. I have been arguing with my brain telling me to not go at all, but then again I can see the fact that it might be very nice experience too. And as Assembly events are only places I actually see most of my friends on yearly basis, I don't want to miss it... And if I don't go as a volunteer, my current money situation won't let me go at all. 

Nonetheless, I will do my best to survive this downfall again; I did it in the past already. I'm hitting new lows, and lately been thinking about "How long it would take until someone would notice, if I just disappeared completely?"... And the answer my own brain gives, is years. 

But, to end on happier note, if anyone reading this notices me at Assembly, feel free to say hi. I am socially awkward, so I might not be fluent to start conversation, but I will at least say hi, and give a hug if you want one. I still love you all, even if my brain tells me no one loves me! <3

Random update I guess

What is the meaning of living? I wish I knew. At the moment life feels pointless. Nothing seems to give me the happiness, not even the stuff that used to give it back in the days. I visited Assembly Winter last weekend, just to see friends. It was something, and I noticed there are actually people who still care about my existence. It just took that event to notice it. And the fact that there hasn't been any events for 2 years... Yeah, it shows. These events are the places where I can actually notice that even though I am as socially awkward as I am, some people still appreciate my company. Thank you for that. 

My social anxiety is stopping me from doing anything social, although those seem to be only things that give me even some joy. And because I'm too "scared" to talk to anyone, and it's rare anyone talks to me (there are still some of you, so thank you), my brain turns it to everyone hating me. Also the fact that I hate myself, doesn't really help. 

Therapy is still ongoing, but still every now and then I think if I get all out of it I could get, mainly because I don't really know what I really want from it. Because I can't see anything in my future, so I don't know what to aim for. So maybe the aim is to find what to aim for I guess. 

I am on sick leave now, officially, but I am job hunting, because financial stability would be nice. And also something to do. Yes, I could continue studies, it would be "something to do", but I don't have motivation for it right now. For jobs, I can't know if I have motivation and stamina for that either, but I would want to try. 

My biggest problem is right now the fact, that I get nothing essential done.. Home is a mess, my eating habits are a mess... My brain is a mess. I spent days just thinking what I should be doing, and doing nothing in the process. Video games, sure, are still there, but they don't give me the same happiness they used to. Watching streams, sure, there are still some communities I like to be in. I have lost interest in lot of streams and communities in past year, and I think that's normal, but the fact how important they have been to me, leaving them isn't something I really would want to do. 

People are only reason I live, since I really can't see anything in my own future still. Maybe someday. 

See you at Assembly Summer in August, because I know myself and I know I can't get myself to meet anyone before that anyways. I need something to do to be even a bit less anxious in social situations, so meeting just to have small talk, with no plans, is not for me. Still somewhat thinking if I could go to Assembly Summer with a computer place, but don't know about finances, or logistics, of that. 

I can also see I lost all plot of this blog post somewhere in there, but honestly, I use this blog just to vent and empty my thoughts for a while, so that's understandable I guess. If someone reads these, it's just a plus, not a necessity. 

Me & Video Games & Mental Health

 I have for long played video games just to "turn off my thoughts" for a while, and feel good, or even ok for a while. This is right now just getting harder and harder, and video games don't seem to give me anything anymore. Mainly because I don't feel like I'm good in any games anymore. I spend hours and hours per day just not doing anything (usually means watching true crime or some stupid comedy films for hundredth time). I just don't enjoy games anymore... or anything in that matter. 

I have started therapy for my depression and social anxiety and stuff, but right now I'm just thinking, will it even help me, because I don't know myself what I'm looking for from it. I have no idea what I want, I don't know what I want from my future, or from tomorrow, or from rest of today. I'm just mentally not in a good place. The stuff that gave me some pleasure and happiness earlier, don't seem to give me anything anymore. They are just way to make time go past. 

On social anxiety stand point, I have social anxiety, but I also am dependent on people, meaning that I get mental health from seeing other people, and/or making them happy and stuff like that. That is a mix that will make my mental health worse probably through rest of my life. Covid situation cancelled every event I had to see people I see very rarely anyways, and the fact that I am very awkward in social situations, if there isn't anything to do when meeting people, makes it almost impossible to set up meetings without some events. 

I don't see anything in my future right now. I have no passion on anything, and I need the passion to get any motivation to do anything. I rarely see myself as anything else but a failure, although by many facts, I know that factually it's not true. My mind just doesn't believe that. If you ask me where I see myself in 10 years, I wouldn't know, probably in worst times, the answer would be "in grave". As sad as that sounds, I am not suicidal, I don't wanna die; I just would love to get a reason to be alive. That's the thing I am missing most at the moment. A reason to be here. A WHY.