Note: I know people are reading this, who have tried, who keep trying, and I'm thankful for you, now and forever.. And sorry, if I make you feel like I'm not thankful in what I've written here.
Note 2: Again, this has been written as it comes to mind, no pre-planning, and no proof-reading.
It's hard, to never feel like part of any group, never feel like actually being inside a community, no matter how many times people tell you that you are, and no matter how much appreciation you are shown... I have spent pretty much all of my life on the outermost layer of any group. I am the person who "is there" but really is not "in there". I am fine with that, since I am a listener, and follower, I don't like to be in the centre of attention... But at the same time I still want to be seen. Weird combination for sure, but it is how I am... And it is not the only complex thing about my mind.
I have never been most keen about big friend groups or communities, I am much better with one or two close friends. That was how I was already in kindergarten, and it has never changed.. And when those two friends leave me behind for other people (or I just think they do, which is more usually the case these days), it hurts me massively on the inside. I know they haven't given up on me, but... My brain doesn't let me believe that. On the online life it has left me mostly alone, even when connected with people. I get ignored a lot, because I am not good in groups.. I get replaced, because I don't like being the most active person. It has happened all through my online presence.
I am very rarely the person who gets contacted, unless I am needed. Unless I contact first. But as it is with other "issues", it's mostly my own fault. When I have nothing in common with people, no common interests (since I really have lost interest in basically everything during my fight with mental illness), it makes it even harder for me to socialize with people. And I know people do try to include me, but I also understand it's hard because I am very closed out person, especially when I'm going through stuff in my own mind... which is often. I appreciate people trying, and this is not meant to be an attack on anyone, so if you feel like that when reading this, I am sorry.
I got into playing games (namely CS2) with people again, new people too... And whilst that is something I have needed, at least to distract my brain, outside the games, I still feel like outsider... No matter how much I try, and even the other people try.. If you have read this blog for long enough, or just know me from elsewhere, you know how long I have been going through this, and some people have also "given up" on me, because... well I have given up on my own brain at times.
When it comes to my mental health, I am having professional help, so that's not the issue, and I don't need people telling me about that. It has been present for long time, but my mind is a hell of a weapon against me.
Anyways, I am sorry for anyone who I have "ghosted", and if I have become bad friend because of my mental health. And I am thankful for everyone who keeps trying. I know I am very heavy person (not only physically) to be around, and I do understand and appreciate when people do come tell me that. Sure it hurts, and sure it does break me for a while, but I know personally how hard it is to be around people who are always down.
