This stuff also affects my school entrance exams... I mean, the exams are going decent, but I'm still not sure if I even want to go back to studies... Of course I want to get some degree, so I might actually at some point in my life get to work life, but then again, my social awkwardness is just so bad, that I'm just constantly telling myself, that I might not have the studying in me. I'm constantly feeling that I will fail the studies, again. I've been there before, I have been a student for a long time already.
What am I doing to myself? I'm losing all social contacts, slowly. I don't play with anyone anymore, I'm doing some stupid stuff at my computer alone all day, every day. Who am I kidding saying that I would ever become anything? Everything in life needs social skills; I'm turning 27, and I still have 0 social skills. And honestly, what's the point anyway. I can't do anything useful anyway.
People make it look so easy, having fun with friends. Even having friends is hard for me, and doing something with them is even harder. Everytime I see someone, it's so socially awkward, that it really hurts me. I have been living alone most of the last 10 months, so I've really been pretty much alone with my thoughts, and Nasu. This spring and summer has just been mentally tough. I resigned from my last work last autumn, and I've been unemployed ever since. Hard to find a job at this time, and also because I have no useful skills nor experience at any field of work. Not like I really had any skills what-so-ever. I was in mental rehab, again, but the way it was designed didn't really go well with the coronavirus limitations.
I'm not fine, I haven't really been fine for years; I've tried to act like I am, because I don't want to accept that I'm not. It's not like I never really was fine. I'm lonely, even when around people, because I'm just bad socially. And the few times I actually end up in conversations with anyone, they tend to end as quickly as they began, because I can't keep the convo up. I'd love to have at least some social skills, but I don't, because I dislike myself, my self esteem is non-existant. I haven't achieved anything in my life, I probably never will if this continues the way it has.
I've gone through two mental rehabs, neither of them really has helped myself, I can accept it now. They have been good to have some content in life, but that's about it. I'm mentally in a very bad place, and I just have to admit it. I don't know what I want in my life, I don't know what I see in my future, I don't know what I want for my future. I have never known. No passion in anything useful, or anything useless tbh. I need that heureka moment, rather sooner than later. I'm running out of time for figuring out what I really want. I mean, age is but a number, but there's no lying about the fact, that I've spent a big junk of my life without even a trace of any goals, or anything.
