So, I lost my job. And honestly speaking, it didn't come as a big surprise. I've been shitty at work, I couldn't get handle of it well enough during a year, and I also started really losing motivation to even doing it. The only motivation was the paycheck, and once again I noticed, it's not big enough motivator for me. But the real problem here is, that I still put my mind settled on the fact, that I would be working there for a long time, and I stopped stressing about life, about studies, about future. Now it all came back straight to my face. My studies at University end after summer, and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't graduate yet, because my studying (as well) has been a total shitshow, to be brutally honest. I need to get arsed to do one course via book exam during this June and July though, because otherwise I probably have to pay back some study aid. So that's a thing.
In the meantime, I have no motivation again. To anything really. This is just who I am. I'm lazy ass who can't motivate himself to anything. When it comes to finding work, I am open to lot of things, but then again, now that I've been looking for, and applying for couple of jobs, I can't help but wonder about what if's... What if once again I lose motivation, and everything goes to shit?
I am turning 26 this year, and still to this day, for a quarter of a century, I haven't been able to figure out anything I'd have passion on, anything I'd have enough motivation to go for... There is always something I'd love to try, but then there's always something in front; may it be in my mind, or really something that makes it truly impossible to go for it. I have no dreams, apart from the normal lottery jackpot and healthy, normal life. I just would love to know what is my career, what am I even good at? I don't have social skills, I'm not good with people, apart from online, and even here it's really on-and-off. Then again, there are jobs for introverts like me, but there's always something that doesn't fit me. I'm social introvert; aka I need people, but I don't have the skills to be with people. I envy people who go out with friends, who spend time with other people, but still I don't even really like going anywhere with people.
I do still play socially, it's the only way I really play anymore, I either stream, or play with friends, but I don't know why, but I just miss people outside gaming. When I game with people, I talk about the game, and stuff outside of games are in my head kind of a taboo. Deep stuff in my mind never gets out when it's gaming time, mainly because gaming is my way to get that stuff out of my mind. I'm a bad friend, I've been a bad friend, I will be a bad friend, because I'm never contacting them, even though every single day I look at the empty chat boxes...
At the moment, I just need to focus on getting a job, and via that getting some more time again to think what I really want from life.. If I'll ever find that thing. I might be harsh and cruel for a few weeks, if anyone comes up to me in any negative manner, because I'm just so down on the bottom of the hill of the roller coaster I call my life. But the only way is up, again. When it comes to healing, it won't be easy, again; it took me years to get this job I now got fired from, and even though I got a year of work experience, it's in a field that won't help me getting forward or getting a new job. But now off to something new, and once again I try to promise myself to talk to people, but in my mind, no one cares. I am sorry, because even I know that is not true, but for some reason that is the thought that always comes up when I think about talking to someone. Because... for some reason that is what I am like.
In the meantime, I have no motivation again. To anything really. This is just who I am. I'm lazy ass who can't motivate himself to anything. When it comes to finding work, I am open to lot of things, but then again, now that I've been looking for, and applying for couple of jobs, I can't help but wonder about what if's... What if once again I lose motivation, and everything goes to shit?
I am turning 26 this year, and still to this day, for a quarter of a century, I haven't been able to figure out anything I'd have passion on, anything I'd have enough motivation to go for... There is always something I'd love to try, but then there's always something in front; may it be in my mind, or really something that makes it truly impossible to go for it. I have no dreams, apart from the normal lottery jackpot and healthy, normal life. I just would love to know what is my career, what am I even good at? I don't have social skills, I'm not good with people, apart from online, and even here it's really on-and-off. Then again, there are jobs for introverts like me, but there's always something that doesn't fit me. I'm social introvert; aka I need people, but I don't have the skills to be with people. I envy people who go out with friends, who spend time with other people, but still I don't even really like going anywhere with people.
I do still play socially, it's the only way I really play anymore, I either stream, or play with friends, but I don't know why, but I just miss people outside gaming. When I game with people, I talk about the game, and stuff outside of games are in my head kind of a taboo. Deep stuff in my mind never gets out when it's gaming time, mainly because gaming is my way to get that stuff out of my mind. I'm a bad friend, I've been a bad friend, I will be a bad friend, because I'm never contacting them, even though every single day I look at the empty chat boxes...
At the moment, I just need to focus on getting a job, and via that getting some more time again to think what I really want from life.. If I'll ever find that thing. I might be harsh and cruel for a few weeks, if anyone comes up to me in any negative manner, because I'm just so down on the bottom of the hill of the roller coaster I call my life. But the only way is up, again. When it comes to healing, it won't be easy, again; it took me years to get this job I now got fired from, and even though I got a year of work experience, it's in a field that won't help me getting forward or getting a new job. But now off to something new, and once again I try to promise myself to talk to people, but in my mind, no one cares. I am sorry, because even I know that is not true, but for some reason that is the thought that always comes up when I think about talking to someone. Because... for some reason that is what I am like.
