I'm weak, mentally and physically. I can't say no to anything, because all I care about is other people's well-being. I don't even really care about my life. I put everyone ahead of myself, and I can tell you that it's getting hard on my brain. I'm going back down deeper to depression, just because of my own weakness and stupidity.
From someone who hasn't been in this situation, it can be easy to say that just think about yourself. It can seem easy for you, but because I'm people pleaser by nature, it's not that easy. I can't make anyone around me sad, or mad at me. I don't want to see it, I just don't. That's the reason why I'm quickly going downhill again. I have loving girlfriend, but sometimes I think I'm too weak to say no, even tho I want to. And sorry that YOU have to read this from my blog, I'm too weak to say it face-to-face. I'm getting tired mentally and physically, because of my people pleasing nature.
Everyone of you, who have been around me, know me as lovely and kind person. That's who I am, but for my mind, it's getting hard. I would like to have my own time, but I can't get it, because of the fact that I can't think for myself ahead of others. My life goes around my girlfriend. Before I do anything, I always have to think how it affects her, and usually I don't do what I want to because of that. Same goes with friends, who I rarely see. I'm just a follower without own life.
That's also one reason why I'm 'afraid' to get a job. I see myself as a failure in that job, even before I have tried a single second. And because I don't want to make anyone mad, I can't fail, even tho everyone makes mistakes. I'm applying for jobs when anything I could be able to do, comes up, but no luck so far. I'm actually up for even an un-paid job at the moment, because I would just need to get myself daily rhythm, but it's hard to get even those at today's society. I have no contacts, I have no degree, I have no experience... That leads to having no job. That's the wheel that's spinning.
Another thing about my life at the moment, it starts to seem (again) that I only have my girlfriend. She's all I have, she's only one who cares. And even tho it should be enough, it isn't. I need someone else in my life too. I have no friends, outside some streams and random messages on Twitter. I'm glad Assembly Winter is coming, so I can see some people in person again, if I can get there. Money is running low. As I type this, I have 20€ in my bank account, and I have ~50€ of bills to pay. I'm waiting for social aid, which should be coming, but you never know. My economical stress level is high, because I'll never know when it hits 0.
When I have multiple days in row, where only social life I have is my gf and the trip to the shop, it's getting hard on me. My social life is shit, that I can say straight. That I could fix myself by going out to do something, but because I'm too afraid and I hate myself, I can't make new contacts. I'm afraid they don't like me, and every conversation is going through my head beforehand; and they don't look good. And because I know there will be people telling me I'm good person, there's nothing to be afraid of, I can tell you that I'd agree, but somehow still something pulls me back from every new situation, if it's not forced. I think I just need my current friends from online to get closer, I can't make new contacts. I just can't get myself up and running. I can't do it by myself, I can't do it even with my girlfriend's help (thank you, you're doing best you can ♥ ).. I need some friend(s) that I can hang out with. I'm not outgoing, but I still like to hang-out with friends. I can't speak about my problems, because typing is easier, so phone calls don't help. I need face-to-face contacts, that's the situation when I probably could speak.
But yeah, again, thanks for reading this post, and thanks for being interested in my so-called life. I'm thankful.
Finnish break: Anteeksi niille teistä jotka ette ymmärrä englantia, en tule kääntämään tätä, joten kyselkää muilta, jos ette ymmärrä jotain, tai käyttäkää kääntäjiä. Mun englannin kieli on loppuviimein melko simppeliä, joten kääntäjätkin auttavat jo paljon :)
From someone who hasn't been in this situation, it can be easy to say that just think about yourself. It can seem easy for you, but because I'm people pleaser by nature, it's not that easy. I can't make anyone around me sad, or mad at me. I don't want to see it, I just don't. That's the reason why I'm quickly going downhill again. I have loving girlfriend, but sometimes I think I'm too weak to say no, even tho I want to. And sorry that YOU have to read this from my blog, I'm too weak to say it face-to-face. I'm getting tired mentally and physically, because of my people pleasing nature.
Everyone of you, who have been around me, know me as lovely and kind person. That's who I am, but for my mind, it's getting hard. I would like to have my own time, but I can't get it, because of the fact that I can't think for myself ahead of others. My life goes around my girlfriend. Before I do anything, I always have to think how it affects her, and usually I don't do what I want to because of that. Same goes with friends, who I rarely see. I'm just a follower without own life.
That's also one reason why I'm 'afraid' to get a job. I see myself as a failure in that job, even before I have tried a single second. And because I don't want to make anyone mad, I can't fail, even tho everyone makes mistakes. I'm applying for jobs when anything I could be able to do, comes up, but no luck so far. I'm actually up for even an un-paid job at the moment, because I would just need to get myself daily rhythm, but it's hard to get even those at today's society. I have no contacts, I have no degree, I have no experience... That leads to having no job. That's the wheel that's spinning.
Another thing about my life at the moment, it starts to seem (again) that I only have my girlfriend. She's all I have, she's only one who cares. And even tho it should be enough, it isn't. I need someone else in my life too. I have no friends, outside some streams and random messages on Twitter. I'm glad Assembly Winter is coming, so I can see some people in person again, if I can get there. Money is running low. As I type this, I have 20€ in my bank account, and I have ~50€ of bills to pay. I'm waiting for social aid, which should be coming, but you never know. My economical stress level is high, because I'll never know when it hits 0.
When I have multiple days in row, where only social life I have is my gf and the trip to the shop, it's getting hard on me. My social life is shit, that I can say straight. That I could fix myself by going out to do something, but because I'm too afraid and I hate myself, I can't make new contacts. I'm afraid they don't like me, and every conversation is going through my head beforehand; and they don't look good. And because I know there will be people telling me I'm good person, there's nothing to be afraid of, I can tell you that I'd agree, but somehow still something pulls me back from every new situation, if it's not forced. I think I just need my current friends from online to get closer, I can't make new contacts. I just can't get myself up and running. I can't do it by myself, I can't do it even with my girlfriend's help (thank you, you're doing best you can ♥ ).. I need some friend(s) that I can hang out with. I'm not outgoing, but I still like to hang-out with friends. I can't speak about my problems, because typing is easier, so phone calls don't help. I need face-to-face contacts, that's the situation when I probably could speak.
But yeah, again, thanks for reading this post, and thanks for being interested in my so-called life. I'm thankful.
Finnish break: Anteeksi niille teistä jotka ette ymmärrä englantia, en tule kääntämään tätä, joten kyselkää muilta, jos ette ymmärrä jotain, tai käyttäkää kääntäjiä. Mun englannin kieli on loppuviimein melko simppeliä, joten kääntäjätkin auttavat jo paljon :)
