Bloody Ironic

Update 1: I was diagnosed some time back with hemochromatosis, which in all-day words means that I have too much iron in my blood. It is being treated by going regularly to give half a litre of blood away in a blood-letting, until the iron volume in blood is low enough. After that it'll probably be treated by giving blood twice a year or so. This is nothing major, so no need to worry about that, and its usual symptoms are pretty much being tired and stuff like that. The hard thing is to be clear if the tiredness is about this disease or the mental side. 

Going to the mental side of things, I am not doing well, I can't lie about it. I cry daily, with or without a reason. Also taking care of my own life is not going well. I do stuff only if it's a must, not before. My motivation is low on living, not to talk about studies. I like my studies, but I just can't get motivated to learn. I am on medication for depression, so it's something, but because my own health institute changed on new year, I haven't yet contacted the new ones, so I have no therapy relation to anywhere for now. Everything is hard. 

When it comes to my social life, at least studies is mostly done in groups, so there's something in that. They are 100% distant studies, but that's nothing we can do anything about for now. Outside of that, I pretty much have nothing. There are a few stream communities I am in, but I don't feel like I really am in them. Video games has been a way to ease my mental health, because it makes me forget, but I tend to not like to play games alone. Multiplayer games have stopped pretty much altogether because of scheduling issues, or just the plain fact, that I am toxic company, when it comes to some games. I can admit, that I get mad very easily, when I do bad in games like CS:GO, but that's mainly because I play games to feel that I can actually do something. When I do bad, I really get mad at myself, and it comes out as being toxic to people, who troll/cheat, or even if they don't. Nowadays, I just sit on computer watching TV shows on Disney+ or Netflix, and... Not doing anything or just playing to waste time. 

"I miss my friends, but I still don't text them, because I just think I'll annoy them, but that's only because I really annoy myself."

I also need a hug. I need someone to come tell me, that I am not ok, and that's ok. I need to hear it from someone else, to really admit it to myself right now. I know I am not fine, but I don't want to admit it. 

New year, old me

 Year 2021 is here, good bye to 2020... Not like it really would matter too much for now. 2020 was harsh on me, and I guess 2021, at least first half of it, won't be any easier. I thought before COVID striked big, that it wouldn't really affect me, because I never go out anyway. Well, how I was wrong. Studies get harder on me, because the reason I decided to try same line of study again, but in different school, was that the school was supposed to be more schedule-based, and teacher-oriented. Now I'm already seeing same problems I had in University when I started there 8 years ago. Another thing that COVID heavily affected on me, was the cancelling of all the events. The only times I had to see my closest online friends, who at the same time are my closest friends. 

Today it has been 7 years since the first LAN party I went to with online friends. At that time, I was struggling heavily with my mental health, and those happenings were only times I really got out of those thoughts. Right now, my mental health is again going heavily downhill, and I am very unstable mentally, which leads to me not wanting to talk to people, because I might snap at any moment, and I can't afford losing any of my dearest friends, I've lost enough of them in the past. This spring period will be very hard studies-wise, but I will try my best to get through it, at least pass everything. But at the same time, I have to remember to stop and think about my own health too, if I really start to go down. I can't wait until it's too late, I did that already once in my life. 

COVID hit me harder than I could have ever guessed, being so much of an "online person". My social life is online, almost wholy, but the problem is, I can't seem to get myself to keep socializing with even the closest and dearest friends anymore. That's why I need the face-to-face meet-up opportunities from time to time, which are all gone because of COVID now. Hopefully before or after summer, the situation would be at least somewhat normalized, because after all, my friends are my biggest resource of mental health. And I need that physical connection to get most out of it. 

I'm not the person to hang out with, and even less I am a person who would ask people to meet up with me. I am very socially awkward, even with friends, and if there's not something we can do together, it will be very hard on me very quickly. That's main reason why LAN parties have saved me for many years in past. I am not the friend to go "get some beers" or "go to café" with, because I'm not really a talker. I open up to people, sure, but it takes time. 

I just hope, I will get to see people again this year, and at least there are some meet-ups already been scheduled. I try to get through the study period too, but I need to remember myself too. I am not ok, and I have to just accept that again. Because in the end, my mental health can't get better, if I don't do something about it. 

"I'm back..."

I have been trying to move forward in life, but I think I tried too hard for too long to just do it myself. So... now I'm back on anti-depressants. I never wanted to say it, I never wanted to see it, but I have to think about myself again. The depression never went anyway, that's just a fact. I just wanted to hide it. 

People who really know me, probably has seen it all the time. I'm not fine, and I haven't been fine. Technically my life has gone forward, I'm starting new studies, and altho it seems like a step backwards, because it's same line of studies I started 8 years ago, this time I will go through it. 

My evenings and nights are tough. Too much time to think, and the thoughts aren't always that good. The new school has been stressful, as for me every situation I have to contact new people is. Also the studies are mostly groupwork-related, so the stress probably will stay there. I'm bad at making friends online, and it's even worse IRL. The COVID situation of course also affects the studies, lots of remote studies, although they are trying to do as much of contact study as possible. 

One other thing I've noticed (again) in new school, is the fact that I am really massive introvert. I am tired after schooldays, but then again, I don't mind playing together with people even after those. That might also just be because it makes me forget my thoughts. But that also brings a problem: I'm trying to hide my thoughts on games, which leads often to me just getting even deeper in my thoughts, because I don't get gaming company. That also goes with the problem I have with new people. I like playing games with "familiar faces", and that group isn't really too big, so finding play buddies is hard. The games people play now also aren't "my games"; Among Us is the main game to play with friends, and I wouldn't care less about it. That's of course my problem, and so is everything else in this post.

So far, so good; I'm again trying to fix my head, will see how it goes. Therapy might start at start of next year, at earliest, if I feel like I want it. Right now that might be the way to go, because in all honestly, I've been depressed for almost 17 years now, more or less. It has never really gone away, because I've been hiding it with my best effort. People close to me see it through me, but I haven't really wanted to do anything about it. I don't like being sad, I don't like being powerless, I don't like being unproductive. But because I am powerless and unproductive, I can't be arsed to do anything about it. The reason I now went for doctor on my mental health, was the fact I needed medical certificate about it, to get my finances to line. Probably if that wasn't the case, I would have never gone for it. It had been 4 years since last time I went for doctor on mental health stuff, and it's not really a short time. It's been 4 years of trying to act like I was getting better, thinking that I can get back up. 

But I'm weak. Or maybe I have just tried to be strong for way too long. Life is going on, and even though it might be tough on my head. Mental health issues leads to other problems too, and I can't afford them. I had blood tests today, I think mainly to test for hypothyroidism. I can't remember if I even have been tested for that before, even though that is pretty normal tests alongside depression. Will see how they come back. It might be a relief if they come back positive for hypothyroidism, because that gives at least one answer. 

But before this post gets too long, I just want to say (again) that I am thankful for all my friends I've made over the years, and even tho I have very few people I talk with daily, I know there are plentyful of people who actually care. I don't see it too often, and my deep thoughts get me to feel like there isn't anyone, but genuinely, I know there are. I can't get myself to contact anyone, and therefore people also rarely contact me. Thank you, all of you! I know you are there, I just need to get myself up to talk to you people again. 

Blogpost without a title, nor any sense

If only I could be more social; if only I could actually believe that anyone cared about me; if only... I've been writing this blog post in my head for months now. My life is starting to be a mess, and it's all just because of me. I have no one nor nothing else to blame. My social skills are bad, I can't get myself to start conversations with anyone, and I'm losing everyone because of that. I'm starting to slowly but surely seclude myself, and my only times outside my house are walks with Nasu; and even those are rare and short moments, because of the heat right now. 

This stuff also affects my school entrance exams... I mean, the exams are going decent, but I'm still not sure if I even want to go back to studies... Of course I want to get some degree, so I might actually at some point in my life get to work life, but then again, my social awkwardness is just so bad, that I'm just constantly telling myself, that I might not have the studying in me. I'm constantly feeling that I will fail the studies, again. I've been there before, I have been a student for a long time already. 

What am I doing to myself? I'm losing all social contacts, slowly. I don't play with anyone anymore, I'm doing some stupid stuff at my computer alone all day, every day. Who am I kidding saying that I would ever become anything? Everything in life needs social skills; I'm turning 27, and I still have 0 social skills. And honestly, what's the point anyway. I can't do anything useful anyway. 

People make it look so easy, having fun with friends. Even having friends is hard for me, and doing something with them is even harder. Everytime I see someone, it's so socially awkward, that it really hurts me. I have been living alone most of the last 10 months, so I've really been pretty much alone with my thoughts, and Nasu. This spring and summer has just been mentally tough. I resigned from my last work last autumn, and I've been unemployed ever since. Hard to find a job at this time, and also because I have no useful skills nor experience at any field of work. Not like I really had any skills what-so-ever. I was in mental rehab, again, but the way it was designed didn't really go well with the coronavirus limitations. 

I'm not fine, I haven't really been fine for years; I've tried to act like I am, because I don't want to accept that I'm not. It's not like I never really was fine. I'm lonely, even when around people, because I'm just bad socially. And the few times I actually end up in conversations with anyone, they tend to end as quickly as they began, because I can't keep the convo up. I'd love to have at least some social skills, but I don't, because I dislike myself, my self esteem is non-existant. I haven't achieved anything in my life, I probably never will if this continues the way it has. 

I've gone through two mental rehabs, neither of them really has helped myself, I can accept it now. They have been good to have some content in life, but that's about it. I'm mentally in a very bad place, and I just have to admit it. I don't know what I want in my life, I don't know what I see in my future, I don't know what I want for my future. I have never known. No passion in anything useful, or anything useless tbh. I need that heureka moment, rather sooner than later. I'm running out of time for figuring out what I really want. I mean, age is but a number, but there's no lying about the fact, that I've spent a big junk of my life without even a trace of any goals, or anything. 

I'm a failure

I used to be good at school, until high school. Although I still managed to pass matriculation examination, and get to University with the papers, I didn't really do that well in high school, when thinking how good I actually was before that in school. And probably most of you know what happened in Uni. I failed it. I was present at University for 6 or 7 years, until studying time ended. I studied study credits for maybe 1½ years. Why? Because I could never get into studying, because I have no passion to anything, I had no reason to go to lectures, and I had no friends, mainly because I never fit in. I never fit into any group. 

I can't do anything I try to do:
   - studying? Failed because no passion, hence no motivation. 

   - working? Was in a job for a year, got fired, because I never learned the job. Made dozens of job applications, got answers from maybe 5, four no's, and one call with "we'll call again later", which ended up as an empty hope. 

   - hobbies? Floorball as a kid, had passion, but not enough to really learn the sport. Still would love to play it, because it's a great sport. Video games? I'm a social player, but I'm bad at being social. I'm also bad at online games, and I'd love to be better, but again, not passionate enough to really put effort. 

   - friends? I have online friends, they mean the world to me, but I keep losing friends, because I can't be social or keep in contact. Also somehow people tend to not like me in a long run. I never hear it from anyone, because I keep getting told I'm such a good friend, but I don't know what to really trust. 

I really wish I was something else than socially awkward nerd, who can't get anything done. But at the moment, depression is starting to get back into my life, because I really just... can't... I'm not fine. Maybe if I was fine, I wouldn't be mad at my dog every walk we have. Maybe I would actually have energy to cook myself even 3 times a week. Maybe I would actually be a student or have a job, if I actually was fine. Maybe I didn't cry once a day because I couldn't get even the simplest of tasks done. Maybe I could actually contact the important people in my life without fearing that I'll fail that too. I'm lost, again. I just don't want to accept it...

That's why I bang my head against the wall
'Cause I don't like myself at all,
Wish that I could cut all the ties
And now my life is such a tragedy
'Cause I'm my biggest enemy,
I can't look myself in the eyes
It's I against me

~Anna Blue - I Against Me

Big temporary changes in my life

So, let's cut to the chase. My GF moved to Lisbon today, and she'll be living there till next summer. She moved there as exchange student. She will visit home though in between, but still, living alone with Nasu will be a test, to me, as well as to our relationship. We have lived in distant relationship in the past for under a year, and now we have lived together for almost 4 years. I will be visiting her in Lisbon too at least once, if I just have the money and time.

My current job is something I don't want to do, but I can't leave it until I get a new job, because of finances. I am job hunting hard to catch myself a new job, something full-time, and probably a day job. At the moment I am working as newspaper courier, so I work only night shifts, and it has caused me both mental and physical pain and stress. It will be hard for me to keep myself together if I can't get out of this job sooner better than later.

My mental health will take a hit, I would be lying if I said it wouldn't. I have a dog to look after, and I am taking lot of stress about it, because this is the first time I'll be living alone with a dog for over 2 months. What if I can't do this? Other than taking care of Nasu -stress, my social life is a mess. I can't get myself to talk to even the most important friends in my life, no matter how hard I try, and right now when I'm living alone, those are the people I really need. It will be hard for me to go to places, because I'll be having hard time getting someone to dogsit Nasu. I know there are people I can get him to, but I am very bad at making it happen. But if anyone I know ever wants to come walk Nasu, or just come play with him, please hit me up. I will need those people to keep myself alive.

Right now first step is to try to catch myself that new job. My job hunt is on 110%, so I just hope some employer out there wants me to work for them. And wants to teach me to do that job, because I'm honestly speaking not qualified for anything. If you really want to know more or just talk to me about anything, feel free to hit me up in any social media. I will still be here for everyone who feels like they need help. I'm still the same me, even if I'm going through some struggles. I still live for my friends, because they are my main source of energy. Thanks for being you. 

Why am I like this?

So, I lost my job. And honestly speaking, it didn't come as a big surprise. I've been shitty at work, I couldn't get handle of it well enough during a year, and I also started really losing motivation to even doing it. The only motivation was the paycheck, and once again I noticed, it's not big enough motivator for me. But the real problem here is, that I still put my mind settled on the fact, that I would be working there for a long time, and I stopped stressing about life, about studies, about future. Now it all came back straight to my face. My studies at University end after summer, and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't graduate yet, because my studying (as well) has been a total shitshow, to be brutally honest. I need to get arsed to do one course via book exam during this June and July though, because otherwise I probably have to pay back some study aid. So that's a thing.

In the meantime, I have no motivation again. To anything really. This is just who I am. I'm lazy ass who can't motivate himself to anything. When it comes to finding work, I am open to lot of things, but then again, now that I've been looking for, and applying for couple of jobs, I can't help but wonder about what if's... What if once again I lose motivation, and everything goes to shit?

I am turning 26 this year, and still to this day, for a quarter of a century, I haven't been able to figure out anything I'd have passion on, anything I'd have enough motivation to go for... There is always something I'd love to try, but then there's always something in front; may it be in my mind, or really something that makes it truly impossible to go for it. I have no dreams, apart from the normal lottery jackpot and healthy, normal life. I just would love to know what is my career, what am I even good at? I don't have social skills, I'm not good with people, apart from online, and even here it's really on-and-off. Then again, there are jobs for introverts like me, but there's always something that doesn't fit me. I'm social introvert; aka I need people, but I don't have the skills to be with people. I envy people who go out with friends, who spend time with other people, but still I don't even really like going anywhere with people.

I do still play socially, it's the only way I really play anymore, I either stream, or play with friends, but I don't know why, but I just miss people outside gaming. When I game with people, I talk about the game, and stuff outside of games are in my head kind of a taboo. Deep stuff in my mind never gets out when it's gaming time, mainly because gaming is my way to get that stuff out of my mind. I'm a bad friend, I've been a bad friend, I will be a bad friend, because I'm never contacting them, even though every single day I look at the empty chat boxes...

At the moment, I just need to focus on getting a job, and via that getting some more time again to think what I really want from life.. If I'll ever find that thing. I might be harsh and cruel for a few weeks, if anyone comes up to me in any negative manner, because I'm just so down on the bottom of the hill of the roller coaster I call my life. But the only way is up, again. When it comes to healing, it won't be easy, again; it took me years to get this job I now got fired from, and even though I got a year of work experience, it's in a field that won't help me getting forward or getting a new job. But now off to something new, and once again I try to promise myself to talk to people, but in my mind, no one cares. I am sorry, because even I know that is not true, but for some reason that is the thought that always comes up when I think about talking to someone. Because... for some reason that is what I am like.