* NO PROOF-READING, NO PLANNING, JUST WRITING AS IT COMES TO MIND. SORRY FOR ANY INCONSISTENCIES OR ERRORS
Did anyone really ever care? What did I do to make them ignore me? What did I do to make no one ever contact me? Questions in my mind that keep taking all my mental stamina, every single day. In every single interaction, or lack of it. Every little change is always negative in my head, and it's always my fault. And everyone surely hates me.
I should believe none of this is true, but it's easier said than done, when you really are very rarely contacted if not needed, and very often ignored, albeit by accident most likely (at least I want to believe that). Every friendship I've had, has always come with "what if's" in my brain. And that "what if" is mostly "what if they just actually hate me?"... Often it has been one-sided when it comes to keeping in touch, whilst sometimes I can also blame myself for it, because some people have tried, but at the times when I have been on my worst, and I have ended up being in too bad mood to actually appreciate it then. I have lost friends for this. I have lost friends for my mental health in general. It is heavy thing to carry, a person who is always down.
Anxious attachment is a term I stumbled upon not too long ago, and it explains my current social interactions almost 100%. I am always overthinking, every single little thing, and then trying to find the issue in me, always. Because there's no way anyone else would be to blame, because those people are perfect people... Right? I have always been a person who puts everyone ahead of myself. My people-pleasing has been on unhealthy level, and it still pretty close is, but I have tried my best to move out of it. Easier said than done, when it has been growing in your brain for almost 20 years now.
My social anxiety has been getting worse as of late, even with people who I actually know. Because of what I said above, I am scared to make the first move, because what if they all really just don't want anything to do with me... The saddest thing is, this thought can come to my mind almost instantly after spending time with those same people for hours before. I don't know where this all comes from. It's partly from genes, we have mental health issues in extended family a lot. Partly it's probably the fact that I never really had a best friend, at least not mutually. I have called people my best friends, but I can never believe they think the same, because all of them have always had someone else who they put first. So I have moved on to call them my closest friends, because I can't know.
Being 32 years old, living alone, unemployed, with basically no IRL friends (self-caused, so can't really blame anyone else for that), living with just what's in my head every day... it's tiring. And it doesn't help when your brain goes on overdrive for most of that time. I am trying my best to "fix" myself, to best I can, but whilst I fall deeper down at the moment, even with professional help I currently have, I am starting to disclose myself from universe again... And that will not do me good.
I don't know what I need... Or I do, but I can't ask for it... Because that is someone or something to pull me out of this hellhole in my brain. A job could help, but current job situation is shit even for qualified people. Relationship? Sure, my therapist asked about that a while back, if I would be ready, and answer is "yes, but..." Like I know I am currently a heavy person to be around, and I have never been a dater. I've had one relationship, it went well as long as it lasted, but it didn't start with dating, but instead a list of random things led to another... Anyway enough of that, relationship could help, but it has a big if. Right now the top things would be a job, or someone (a friend) who somehow manages to get inside my mind's bubble in a way, that they can shut up my brain's anxious attachment cells. But right now, I don't know.
As always, I will keep pushing forward the best I can manage. I might be silent, I might end up ghosting people, not on purpose though... If you end up reading this until here, thank you. I appreciate every single one of my friends, every single one of the people who currently keep me alive, and have kept me alive for last couple of years. You might be living all around the world, but you are closer to me than almost anyone has ever been. Thank you, and sorry for vent. Although you probably knew what you were getting into when you got to this blog of mine.
