Anxiously attached

* NO PROOF-READING, NO PLANNING, JUST WRITING AS IT COMES TO MIND. SORRY FOR ANY INCONSISTENCIES OR ERRORS

Did anyone really ever care? What did I do to make them ignore me? What did I do to make no one ever contact me? Questions in my mind that keep taking all my mental stamina, every single day. In every single interaction, or lack of it. Every little change is always negative in my head, and it's always my fault. And everyone surely hates me. 

I should believe none of this is true, but it's easier said than done, when you really are very rarely contacted if not needed, and very often ignored, albeit by accident most likely (at least I want to believe that). Every friendship I've had, has always come with "what if's" in my brain. And that "what if" is mostly "what if they just actually hate me?"... Often it has been one-sided when it comes to keeping in touch, whilst sometimes I can also blame myself for it, because some people have tried, but at the times when I have been on my worst, and I have ended up being in too bad mood to actually appreciate it then. I have lost friends for this. I have lost friends for my mental health in general. It is heavy thing to carry, a person who is always down. 

Anxious attachment is a term I stumbled upon not too long ago, and it explains my current social interactions almost 100%. I am always overthinking, every single little thing, and then trying to find the issue in me, always. Because there's no way anyone else would be to blame, because those people are perfect people... Right? I have always been a person who puts everyone ahead of myself. My people-pleasing has been on unhealthy level, and it still pretty close is, but I have tried my best to move out of it. Easier said than done, when it has been growing in your brain for almost 20 years now. 

My social anxiety has been getting worse as of late, even with people who I actually know. Because of what I said above, I am scared to make the first move, because what if they all really just don't want anything to do with me... The saddest thing is, this thought can come to my mind almost instantly after spending time with those same people for hours before. I don't know where this all comes from. It's partly from genes, we have mental health issues in extended family a lot. Partly it's probably the fact that I never really had a best friend, at least not mutually. I have called people my best friends, but I can never believe they think the same, because all of them have always had someone else who they put first. So I have moved on to call them my closest friends, because I can't know. 

Being 32 years old, living alone, unemployed, with basically no IRL friends (self-caused, so can't really blame anyone else for that), living with just what's in my head every day... it's tiring. And it doesn't help when your brain goes on overdrive for most of that time. I am trying my best to "fix" myself, to best I can, but whilst I fall deeper down at the moment, even with professional help I currently have, I am starting to disclose myself from universe again... And that will not do me good. 

I don't know what I need... Or I do, but I can't ask for it... Because that is someone or something to pull me out of this hellhole in my brain. A job could help, but current job situation is shit even for qualified people. Relationship? Sure, my therapist asked about that a while back, if I would be ready, and answer is "yes, but..." Like I know I am currently a heavy person to be around, and I have never been a dater. I've had one relationship, it went well as long as it lasted, but it didn't start with dating, but instead a list of random things led to another... Anyway enough of that, relationship could help, but it has a big if. Right now the top things would be a job, or someone (a friend) who somehow manages to get inside my mind's bubble in a way, that they can shut up my brain's anxious attachment cells. But right now, I don't know. 

As always, I will keep pushing forward the best I can manage. I might be silent, I might end up ghosting people, not on purpose though... If you end up reading this until here, thank you. I appreciate every single one of my friends, every single one of the people who currently keep me alive, and have kept me alive for last couple of years. You might be living all around the world, but you are closer to me than almost anyone has ever been. Thank you, and sorry for vent. Although you probably knew what you were getting into when you got to this blog of mine. 

Just an imposter

Note: I know people are reading this, who have tried, who keep trying, and I'm thankful for you, now and forever.. And sorry, if I make you feel like I'm not thankful in what I've written here. 

Note 2: Again, this has been written as it comes to mind, no pre-planning, and no proof-reading. 

It's hard, to never feel like part of any group, never feel like actually being inside a community, no matter how many times people tell you that you are, and no matter how much appreciation you are shown... I have spent pretty much all of my life on the outermost layer of any group. I am the person who "is there" but really is not "in there". I am fine with that, since I am a listener, and follower, I don't like to be in the centre of attention... But at the same time I still want to be seen. Weird combination for sure, but it is how I am... And it is not the only complex thing about my mind. 

I have never been most keen about big friend groups or communities, I am much better with one or two close friends. That was how I was already in kindergarten, and it has never changed.. And when those two friends leave me behind for other people (or I just think they do, which is more usually the case these days), it hurts me massively on the inside. I know they haven't given up on me, but... My brain doesn't let me believe that. On the online life it has left me mostly alone, even when connected with people. I get ignored a lot, because I am not good in groups.. I get replaced, because I don't like being the most active person. It has happened all through my online presence. 

I am very rarely the person who gets contacted, unless I am needed. Unless I contact first. But as it is with other "issues", it's mostly my own fault. When I have nothing in common with people, no common interests (since I really have lost interest in basically everything during my fight with mental illness), it makes it even harder for me to socialize with people. And I know people do try to include me, but I also understand it's hard because I am very closed out person, especially when I'm going through stuff in my own mind... which is often. I appreciate people trying, and this is not meant to be an attack on anyone, so if you feel like that when reading this, I am sorry. 

I got into playing games (namely CS2) with people again, new people too... And whilst that is something I have needed, at least to distract my brain, outside the games, I still feel like outsider... No matter how much I try, and even the other people try.. If you have read this blog for long enough, or just know me from elsewhere, you know how long I have been going through this, and some people have also "given up" on me, because... well I have given up on my own brain at times. 

When it comes to my mental health, I am having professional help, so that's not the issue, and I don't need people telling me about that. It has been present for long time, but my mind is a hell of a weapon against me. 

Anyways, I am sorry for anyone who I have "ghosted", and if I have become bad friend because of my mental health. And I am thankful for everyone who keeps trying. I know I am very heavy person (not only physically) to be around, and I do understand and appreciate when people do come tell me that. Sure it hurts, and sure it does break me for a while, but I know personally how hard it is to be around people who are always down. 

Barely here...

This text might include very rough text, with self-hate and other topics like that... You have been warned.

I am not ok. Since last time I posted here, I started having sleep issues, most likely connected to massive emotional and mental stress. It is something that has never been an issue in my life, even if I have had the stress and mental health issues for almost two decades now. So, clearly something has changed, and I'm pretty sure it's not for the better. 

My social life is online, that we have gathered before too. It has been like that for most of my adulthood, so that's nothing new... The issue now is, that my social anxiety has also moved to the online social life. The wall between me and other people has gotten very tall... I can talk to most people via text, easily, no issues talking about absolutely everything... Maybe too much at some point, at least that's what my brain tells me. But it is still hard to join VC's and being social.. I have been doing it lately, I should be proud, but still every time I am there, I feel like I am not where I should be... Although I've been told and proven many times people want me there, I can't help my overthinking piece of shit brain. 

I lost pretty much all contact to my Finnish friends over 2025, and now that most of my friends are from abroad, somehow it's even harder to connect with them... Like... really connect... I can have friends that I trust 99%, and still it takes me massive steps to actually talk to them... My overthinking brain still keeps telling me that everyone hates me, and it's all a show... And that is fucking annoying. 

It's pain... every night… No matter if I have actually played socially during the day; no matter if I have actually done something I _should_ be proud of... It's just always there... My brain telling me I am not wanted, I am not needed, I am just an extra who people hold on to, until they find someone else... A person that is never truly there... 

I know it sounds rough, and it is rough, that's how it is in my head... I cry on like hourly basis, for no apparent reasons, just because I exist, and my brain tells me that there is something more I should have done, or something less I should have said... Because even though I shouldn't, and I don't even want to when I actually use my sensible brain, I am expecting people to be same way back at me, as I am towards people... But being a nice guy isn't just a good thing.. 

I have been used in the past, my kindness and my helpfulness, blatantly used. But also the thing is, right now, I want people to "use me" like that, because being useful is only thing I feel like I can get right now. Sure I can be loved, and cared, and all that... But it's something my brain doesn't let me have right now, at least not easily. 

I love people, I love my friends, I am bad at showing it in the correct way at times (I am very easily "too much"), but it's just the .. "weird" part of my brain. There is very high possibility of me having ASD, and/or ADD (old term, I know, don't care), but getting it diagnosed is not easy, and also is it really that helpful.. Sure it would give me the label and clarity of what I am, but... Yeah. 

Let's also touch "real life things" along with my brain shit... So, I am currently doing "rehabilitative work service", for my mental health issues, and to get me outside and be social.. Now, does it work? Maybe. The issue is, I don't want new friends per say, I want to be able to contact with the "safety net" I already have, online. But obviously the social side is also to help me maybe at some point get back to society, get a job, and all that shit. Job market situation here is shit right now, even for the qualified people, so not having my hopes up, but I can say that living in "iffy budget" is not helping my head. 

Money doesn't buy happiness, but right now lottery jackpot would fix a lot. Money doesn't buy happiness, but lack of money will eventually end you, and I'm not talking just about food. If I had even stable money situation; if I didn't have to think about money before I do absolutely anything; yeah I could be happier, and also I could be going to meet the awesome people I have met in the internet. There is a chance for that, but not for me, if something crazy doesn't happen. 

Now I'm not the most social person, I have never been that. I am open person, maybe too much at times; I am trustworthy person, and I am the person who listens to absolutely everything and anything, if someone else needs an ear. But when I have to be the one who sends the message... it goes through my brain hundreds of times before I can even send anything, most of the times. Because whatever it is I'm doing, whatever it is I'm saying, I have done it in my head multiple times before you've seen it. 

If you ended up reading this this far, thank you... or sorry... I don't know at this point. These texts are really just to blurp stuff out of me, and for maybe some people to see and understand my brain... Maybe, I don't know. 

I am staying here, I am trying my best, and I will keep holding on to what I have. But saying that, I am very much broken, and from experience I know it can make me lose people. And that is what I'm most afraid of, because people, any of you people, or anyone I watch on Twitch, talk to on Discord, who watch me on Twitch, or anything, are the reason I live. PERIOD. And because I overthink everything, and most of times end up not saying anything because of that, I just fear even more that I lose them. 

As Jake Segura wrote in his song Complicated, a very fitting line: 

You say I'm difficult, no shit

Who the hell would choose to feel like this?

I can tell they're all so over me

(I ain't surprised, 'cause so am I)