Barely here...

This text might include very rough text, with self-hate and other topics like that... You have been warned.

I am not ok. Since last time I posted here, I started having sleep issues, most likely connected to massive emotional and mental stress. It is something that has never been an issue in my life, even if I have had the stress and mental health issues for almost two decades now. So, clearly something has changed, and I'm pretty sure it's not for the better. 

My social life is online, that we have gathered before too. It has been like that for most of my adulthood, so that's nothing new... The issue now is, that my social anxiety has also moved to the online social life. The wall between me and other people has gotten very tall... I can talk to most people via text, easily, no issues talking about absolutely everything... Maybe too much at some point, at least that's what my brain tells me. But it is still hard to join VC's and being social.. I have been doing it lately, I should be proud, but still every time I am there, I feel like I am not where I should be... Although I've been told and proven many times people want me there, I can't help my overthinking piece of shit brain. 

I lost pretty much all contact to my Finnish friends over 2025, and now that most of my friends are from abroad, somehow it's even harder to connect with them... Like... really connect... I can have friends that I trust 99%, and still it takes me massive steps to actually talk to them... My overthinking brain still keeps telling me that everyone hates me, and it's all a show... And that is fucking annoying. 

It's pain... every night… No matter if I have actually played socially during the day; no matter if I have actually done something I _should_ be proud of... It's just always there... My brain telling me I am not wanted, I am not needed, I am just an extra who people hold on to, until they find someone else... A person that is never truly there... 

I know it sounds rough, and it is rough, that's how it is in my head... I cry on like hourly basis, for no apparent reasons, just because I exist, and my brain tells me that there is something more I should have done, or something less I should have said... Because even though I shouldn't, and I don't even want to when I actually use my sensible brain, I am expecting people to be same way back at me, as I am towards people... But being a nice guy isn't just a good thing.. 

I have been used in the past, my kindness and my helpfulness, blatantly used. But also the thing is, right now, I want people to "use me" like that, because being useful is only thing I feel like I can get right now. Sure I can be loved, and cared, and all that... But it's something my brain doesn't let me have right now, at least not easily. 

I love people, I love my friends, I am bad at showing it in the correct way at times (I am very easily "too much"), but it's just the .. "weird" part of my brain. There is very high possibility of me having ASD, and/or ADD (old term, I know, don't care), but getting it diagnosed is not easy, and also is it really that helpful.. Sure it would give me the label and clarity of what I am, but... Yeah. 

Let's also touch "real life things" along with my brain shit... So, I am currently doing "rehabilitative work service", for my mental health issues, and to get me outside and be social.. Now, does it work? Maybe. The issue is, I don't want new friends per say, I want to be able to contact with the "safety net" I already have, online. But obviously the social side is also to help me maybe at some point get back to society, get a job, and all that shit. Job market situation here is shit right now, even for the qualified people, so not having my hopes up, but I can say that living in "iffy budget" is not helping my head. 

Money doesn't buy happiness, but right now lottery jackpot would fix a lot. Money doesn't buy happiness, but lack of money will eventually end you, and I'm not talking just about food. If I had even stable money situation; if I didn't have to think about money before I do absolutely anything; yeah I could be happier, and also I could be going to meet the awesome people I have met in the internet. There is a chance for that, but not for me, if something crazy doesn't happen. 

Now I'm not the most social person, I have never been that. I am open person, maybe too much at times; I am trustworthy person, and I am the person who listens to absolutely everything and anything, if someone else needs an ear. But when I have to be the one who sends the message... it goes through my brain hundreds of times before I can even send anything, most of the times. Because whatever it is I'm doing, whatever it is I'm saying, I have done it in my head multiple times before you've seen it. 

If you ended up reading this this far, thank you... or sorry... I don't know at this point. These texts are really just to blurp stuff out of me, and for maybe some people to see and understand my brain... Maybe, I don't know. 

I am staying here, I am trying my best, and I will keep holding on to what I have. But saying that, I am very much broken, and from experience I know it can make me lose people. And that is what I'm most afraid of, because people, any of you people, or anyone I watch on Twitch, talk to on Discord, who watch me on Twitch, or anything, are the reason I live. PERIOD. And because I overthink everything, and most of times end up not saying anything because of that, I just fear even more that I lose them. 

As Jake Segura wrote in his song Complicated, a very fitting line: 

You say I'm difficult, no shit

Who the hell would choose to feel like this?

I can tell they're all so over me

(I ain't surprised, 'cause so am I) 

Loneliness, caused by social anxiety, caused by depression, caused by.....

I don't even know anymore what caused what... I want to be social, I want to talk to people, other people are the only reason I am alive anymore. But now I can't even message my closest friends without overthinking everything for half an hour, ending up crying and not sending the message, because "I am just annoying"... Overthinking, because I have been wronged by some people in the past. Overthinking, because so few (love you all) has ever _shown_ they care... Sure people say it, and I believe it, but my overthinking brain doesn't believe just words. 

My birthday is coming up in under 2 weeks, but last few years I have just built myself up to be disappointed. No, I don't care about my birthday that much, but it is the one day that people could easily show that they cared, to make my overthinking brain at least for a while also believe it. 

I'd need someone I can talk to daily, someone that I know understands me, and wants to be with me.. Social gaming was my almost only lifesaver for years; playing hours and hours per day with other people, being in voice chats, and all that shit... Then it stopped. Some people stopped playing, some people got mad at me, some people just disappeared altogether from social media... And I understand that, but since my overthinking brain now takes over way too quickly, I won't join VC's with "new" people, or even people I've known via social media for years... Because my brain says I'm just annoyance, no matter how many times people tell me I'm not. I don't know what I need, people personally asking me to join them? 1-on-1 convos with people more often? Just getting my own life together? I just don't know. I want to be more social, I want to get back to the social life level I had earlier, but... 

One day... maybe... There are many friends that I can really thank for saving my life, just by being the communities that keep me busy, keep me doing something... But even those people are "too scary" for me to actually connect with. And then I see them having fun with other people, and I just feel the massive loneliness, although it's all just on me.. It always is. I don't know how big part my hate on myself and my own voice and such plays in me not being able to join VCs with people, it certainly is a factor.. But then again, I do stream myself, to people, with my voice... But... Yeah... 

In real life, my current situation is shitty at best, have been unemployed for over a year, finances are a mess, social life is non-existent outside of internet (and as stated before the "social media life" is also lacking something), I am hating myself more and more by every day, my looks, my voice, everything... 

This post is again just a puke of thoughts from my head, so sorry if it is hard to read, I just had to get it out; for me. I would not be alive without the communities I have grown into, that is harsh truth right now, but I feel like I will slowly push them away too, because of... me... Thank you, sorry, whatever is the right thing to say at this point... Have a good timezone!

I'm broke(n)

TW: Topics of depression and suicide, don't read if you are sensitive for these topics

Another note: Text is not proofread, and it has been written by what comes to mind, so please try to ignore possible jumps in subjects and possible typos. 

I need a hug

Mediocre depression, social phobia, social anxiety… That's just some of the diagnoses I have. I could even currently say, my depression could be severe. I get actually nothing done at home. I can do the work shifts fine, and after that I get absolutely nothing done. 

I'm done acting like I would be better, I am not. I am going quickly downhill on this spiral, day after day. Alone at home everyday, and no energy to even try to do something about it. There is also very much less social life online too than before, but that's also something I have no one else but myself to blame, because there really is just no energy to try to be social. It also goes together with the social anxiety part; scared to talk to people, scared of saying something wrong, scared of losing them… and in the process losing them all because of not saying anything. 

Another thing in the loneliness is that, even though I like being alone, introvert and all, my love language is physical touch, and same goes with the platonic love too, so between friends. I'm bad at talking, I'm bad at keeping touch, I just want a hug. I want someone to just be, even quiet, close to me. It's not like the great online friends I do have would be meaningless, but they can't compensate it all. 

But again, to that too, it comes together with social phobia and anxiety... I don't go out, I don't go to places, I don't like going out to meet people... It's all a big conflict in my brain; I want to be more social, I want physical touch, I want to be close to people, but also I'm "scared" to go out to do any of that. In work mode I am fine. I work currently as robot vehicle safety operator, so I have contact with customers almost daily, and that's fine, it's work. I can switch to the work mode. But when I switch off from it, I can't do anything social. I am scared of being judged, I am scared of doing something wrong... And at times, I am anxious of people around me. 

I keep telling myself, that getting steady financial status (getting work) would help me with my life, but I got a feeling it won't. It will help somewhat for sure, but it won't fix the bigger picture. Also, some of the people online could think I am not any of these things I say, because my online persona is very different, because it's easier to be myself online than offline. Online I could say pretty much anything, obviously as a people pleaser though trying to not make anyone mad or sad, but offline, I will just go with what everyone else says. 

Love life? Yeah it isn't there. I can say I have crushes, I get crushes easily and quickly, but I will next to never act on them, because "I'm not good enough anyway". This is something I rarely talk about publically. I keep getting told how great person I am, how great friend I am, how someone would be lucky to know me; but none of that really shows. 

TLDR; to this blog: I NEED A HUG. 

I am too kind

I have lately noticed, how much people have abused my kindness in the past. The fact that it's hard for me to say no, and I much rather just accept everything, is easy thing to be abused, but it's painful to understand it afterwards. My kindness comes from the fact, that I put everyone else before myself. So if someone asks me to do something, I will most likely say yes, to make them happy, no matter how bad it might make me feel. It also saves me from conflicts and arguments with other people, because I am a "yes man". Kindness is a trait that I actually like about myself, but too much is too much in this as well. You can be too kind, to the level that it hurts yourself more than it helps others. 

Along with this, I absolutely hate conflicts around me. Even a small argument about something absolutely meaningless, will drain my mental stamina to zero in no time. This I noticed when road tripping with family last two weeks. Smallest of things causing my head to burst, and my "fight or flight" instinct kicks in... And there isn't really "fight" in that instinct on me. I just want to get out. If people are fighting or arguing around me, I will close myself out of the place mentally, almost instantly. But then there comes the overthinking: "Should I do something about this?", "Is there anything I can do to help this?", "Did I cause this?"... Usually the answer is "no", but my brain doesn't find it quickly. 

Another update on my current situation; my mental health is going down at the moment. I am deep down most of the nights, even with ongoing therapy. I am probably ending my studies (again), and trying to get myself into some work... If only any employee would hire a uneducated man with almost no work experience. But will see how that goes in not too long time, hopefully. I was volunteering at IIHF World Champs, as a "chauffeur", and it was fun, and I could see that as a career, but then came the diagnose of sleep apnea, that put my professional driver career hopes at least on pause. I will get treatment gear in little over a month for that, and I hope I will have big positive effects from that, that might also help my mental health, and get myself to do more stuff on daily basis. 

I will be continuing volunteering at Assembly Summer in under two weeks, but that is a thing that is "scaring" me a bit... Mainly because I have no idea what I will do there, and my own head keeps telling me, that whatever it is, I will fail it. I have been arguing with my brain telling me to not go at all, but then again I can see the fact that it might be very nice experience too. And as Assembly events are only places I actually see most of my friends on yearly basis, I don't want to miss it... And if I don't go as a volunteer, my current money situation won't let me go at all. 

Nonetheless, I will do my best to survive this downfall again; I did it in the past already. I'm hitting new lows, and lately been thinking about "How long it would take until someone would notice, if I just disappeared completely?"... And the answer my own brain gives, is years. 

But, to end on happier note, if anyone reading this notices me at Assembly, feel free to say hi. I am socially awkward, so I might not be fluent to start conversation, but I will at least say hi, and give a hug if you want one. I still love you all, even if my brain tells me no one loves me! <3

Random update I guess

What is the meaning of living? I wish I knew. At the moment life feels pointless. Nothing seems to give me the happiness, not even the stuff that used to give it back in the days. I visited Assembly Winter last weekend, just to see friends. It was something, and I noticed there are actually people who still care about my existence. It just took that event to notice it. And the fact that there hasn't been any events for 2 years... Yeah, it shows. These events are the places where I can actually notice that even though I am as socially awkward as I am, some people still appreciate my company. Thank you for that. 

My social anxiety is stopping me from doing anything social, although those seem to be only things that give me even some joy. And because I'm too "scared" to talk to anyone, and it's rare anyone talks to me (there are still some of you, so thank you), my brain turns it to everyone hating me. Also the fact that I hate myself, doesn't really help. 

Therapy is still ongoing, but still every now and then I think if I get all out of it I could get, mainly because I don't really know what I really want from it. Because I can't see anything in my future, so I don't know what to aim for. So maybe the aim is to find what to aim for I guess. 

I am on sick leave now, officially, but I am job hunting, because financial stability would be nice. And also something to do. Yes, I could continue studies, it would be "something to do", but I don't have motivation for it right now. For jobs, I can't know if I have motivation and stamina for that either, but I would want to try. 

My biggest problem is right now the fact, that I get nothing essential done.. Home is a mess, my eating habits are a mess... My brain is a mess. I spent days just thinking what I should be doing, and doing nothing in the process. Video games, sure, are still there, but they don't give me the same happiness they used to. Watching streams, sure, there are still some communities I like to be in. I have lost interest in lot of streams and communities in past year, and I think that's normal, but the fact how important they have been to me, leaving them isn't something I really would want to do. 

People are only reason I live, since I really can't see anything in my own future still. Maybe someday. 

See you at Assembly Summer in August, because I know myself and I know I can't get myself to meet anyone before that anyways. I need something to do to be even a bit less anxious in social situations, so meeting just to have small talk, with no plans, is not for me. Still somewhat thinking if I could go to Assembly Summer with a computer place, but don't know about finances, or logistics, of that. 

I can also see I lost all plot of this blog post somewhere in there, but honestly, I use this blog just to vent and empty my thoughts for a while, so that's understandable I guess. If someone reads these, it's just a plus, not a necessity. 

Me & Video Games & Mental Health

 I have for long played video games just to "turn off my thoughts" for a while, and feel good, or even ok for a while. This is right now just getting harder and harder, and video games don't seem to give me anything anymore. Mainly because I don't feel like I'm good in any games anymore. I spend hours and hours per day just not doing anything (usually means watching true crime or some stupid comedy films for hundredth time). I just don't enjoy games anymore... or anything in that matter. 

I have started therapy for my depression and social anxiety and stuff, but right now I'm just thinking, will it even help me, because I don't know myself what I'm looking for from it. I have no idea what I want, I don't know what I want from my future, or from tomorrow, or from rest of today. I'm just mentally not in a good place. The stuff that gave me some pleasure and happiness earlier, don't seem to give me anything anymore. They are just way to make time go past. 

On social anxiety stand point, I have social anxiety, but I also am dependent on people, meaning that I get mental health from seeing other people, and/or making them happy and stuff like that. That is a mix that will make my mental health worse probably through rest of my life. Covid situation cancelled every event I had to see people I see very rarely anyways, and the fact that I am very awkward in social situations, if there isn't anything to do when meeting people, makes it almost impossible to set up meetings without some events. 

I don't see anything in my future right now. I have no passion on anything, and I need the passion to get any motivation to do anything. I rarely see myself as anything else but a failure, although by many facts, I know that factually it's not true. My mind just doesn't believe that. If you ask me where I see myself in 10 years, I wouldn't know, probably in worst times, the answer would be "in grave". As sad as that sounds, I am not suicidal, I don't wanna die; I just would love to get a reason to be alive. That's the thing I am missing most at the moment. A reason to be here. A WHY.