Big temporary changes in my life

So, let's cut to the chase. My GF moved to Lisbon today, and she'll be living there till next summer. She moved there as exchange student. She will visit home though in between, but still, living alone with Nasu will be a test, to me, as well as to our relationship. We have lived in distant relationship in the past for under a year, and now we have lived together for almost 4 years. I will be visiting her in Lisbon too at least once, if I just have the money and time.

My current job is something I don't want to do, but I can't leave it until I get a new job, because of finances. I am job hunting hard to catch myself a new job, something full-time, and probably a day job. At the moment I am working as newspaper courier, so I work only night shifts, and it has caused me both mental and physical pain and stress. It will be hard for me to keep myself together if I can't get out of this job sooner better than later.

My mental health will take a hit, I would be lying if I said it wouldn't. I have a dog to look after, and I am taking lot of stress about it, because this is the first time I'll be living alone with a dog for over 2 months. What if I can't do this? Other than taking care of Nasu -stress, my social life is a mess. I can't get myself to talk to even the most important friends in my life, no matter how hard I try, and right now when I'm living alone, those are the people I really need. It will be hard for me to go to places, because I'll be having hard time getting someone to dogsit Nasu. I know there are people I can get him to, but I am very bad at making it happen. But if anyone I know ever wants to come walk Nasu, or just come play with him, please hit me up. I will need those people to keep myself alive.

Right now first step is to try to catch myself that new job. My job hunt is on 110%, so I just hope some employer out there wants me to work for them. And wants to teach me to do that job, because I'm honestly speaking not qualified for anything. If you really want to know more or just talk to me about anything, feel free to hit me up in any social media. I will still be here for everyone who feels like they need help. I'm still the same me, even if I'm going through some struggles. I still live for my friends, because they are my main source of energy. Thanks for being you. 

Why am I like this?

So, I lost my job. And honestly speaking, it didn't come as a big surprise. I've been shitty at work, I couldn't get handle of it well enough during a year, and I also started really losing motivation to even doing it. The only motivation was the paycheck, and once again I noticed, it's not big enough motivator for me. But the real problem here is, that I still put my mind settled on the fact, that I would be working there for a long time, and I stopped stressing about life, about studies, about future. Now it all came back straight to my face. My studies at University end after summer, and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't graduate yet, because my studying (as well) has been a total shitshow, to be brutally honest. I need to get arsed to do one course via book exam during this June and July though, because otherwise I probably have to pay back some study aid. So that's a thing.

In the meantime, I have no motivation again. To anything really. This is just who I am. I'm lazy ass who can't motivate himself to anything. When it comes to finding work, I am open to lot of things, but then again, now that I've been looking for, and applying for couple of jobs, I can't help but wonder about what if's... What if once again I lose motivation, and everything goes to shit?

I am turning 26 this year, and still to this day, for a quarter of a century, I haven't been able to figure out anything I'd have passion on, anything I'd have enough motivation to go for... There is always something I'd love to try, but then there's always something in front; may it be in my mind, or really something that makes it truly impossible to go for it. I have no dreams, apart from the normal lottery jackpot and healthy, normal life. I just would love to know what is my career, what am I even good at? I don't have social skills, I'm not good with people, apart from online, and even here it's really on-and-off. Then again, there are jobs for introverts like me, but there's always something that doesn't fit me. I'm social introvert; aka I need people, but I don't have the skills to be with people. I envy people who go out with friends, who spend time with other people, but still I don't even really like going anywhere with people.

I do still play socially, it's the only way I really play anymore, I either stream, or play with friends, but I don't know why, but I just miss people outside gaming. When I game with people, I talk about the game, and stuff outside of games are in my head kind of a taboo. Deep stuff in my mind never gets out when it's gaming time, mainly because gaming is my way to get that stuff out of my mind. I'm a bad friend, I've been a bad friend, I will be a bad friend, because I'm never contacting them, even though every single day I look at the empty chat boxes...

At the moment, I just need to focus on getting a job, and via that getting some more time again to think what I really want from life.. If I'll ever find that thing. I might be harsh and cruel for a few weeks, if anyone comes up to me in any negative manner, because I'm just so down on the bottom of the hill of the roller coaster I call my life. But the only way is up, again. When it comes to healing, it won't be easy, again; it took me years to get this job I now got fired from, and even though I got a year of work experience, it's in a field that won't help me getting forward or getting a new job. But now off to something new, and once again I try to promise myself to talk to people, but in my mind, no one cares. I am sorry, because even I know that is not true, but for some reason that is the thought that always comes up when I think about talking to someone. Because... for some reason that is what I am like. 

I'm a mess

I got a job, yay. I finally have an income, yay... I still am not happy.

I'm a mess, I have been for a long time, and I will be for a long time. I'm writing this at 4am... on Monday... work starts at 9am at the latest. I can't sleep, too many thoughts. Why am I so awkward in social situations? Why am I like this? I live my life to keep other people happy, not myself. I don't care about myself, because I can't say a bad word. I can't make other people mad, without it killing me from the inside. I have probably written about this before, but I don't care. This puts me in so many difficult situations daily.

I'm losing friends, I'm losing communities, I'm losing myself in the progress. Why? Because I say stupid things, or because I am a too emotional mess. I tend to get mad in the smallest things, I am emotional, and for some reason that turns against me most of the times. If I'm having a bad day, I can snap at any moment, at anyone. And that's the #1 thing I'm always afraid of, and the #1 reason I can't start a conversation, even with my closest friends, on any deep matter. Deep talks are something I'd need, I have had them a lot more in my past, but now, I'm too scared. If I snap, I might lose it all. I might lose the most important asset in my life. You. The other people. So I just flee from situations, and in the progress leave everything inside my own little head. I envy people who have friends, and who can easily be and talk with their friends. I haven't had that kind of friendship like ever, and the reason is, I'm not easy on myself. I make everything hard. Everything I do, everything I say, everything I am... Everything I might do or say... EVERYTHING.

I finally got a job, after a long time trying to find something, and still, I'm like this. Because I need people. Work brings be some new people, but I don't want new people, I want old people back, I want old people closer. I'm bad with new people, but I am also not good with old friends. I am a bad friend, I know I am because I never talk, I never do anything. I always just think, how cool it could be, if I'd be like that. I'm always planning in my head all kinds of cool things I could do with friends if only someone asked because I can't be the one asking people. Because in my head, I'm just an awkward introvert person to everyone. I'm nothing. I'm just another face in the crowd. Another problem has been the financial side because I never have money to do anything because nothing is free in life. Especially when it comes to having fun with friends, or having fun in general really. At least that side is getting a fix (hopefully) now, that I finally got a job.

I fight my own fights in my own head. I tend to try to just not do it, but every now and then, the fights will happen, and they are fierce every time. They paralyze me. I can apologize in advance to everything I'll say when I'm on the edge. If I snap, anything can happen, and no one is safe. And sometimes, it doesn't take that much for me to snap. When I snap online, it will be bad words, it will be something not suitable for kids. When I snap offline, it's usually just me fleeing, before I hurt anyone's feelings, even if they'd deserve it. It doesn't take too much to get under my skin, and the one big thing that always will do it is adding fuel to the fire when someone has already hurt their feelings. That will always get me snapped, and then it gets everyone to hate me. That's how life goes.

But honestly speaking, life will never be easy, and I understand and accept that. If someone or something makes me mad, I flee and damage only my brain, rather than damage anyone or anything else. It's just me, it doesn't matter. 

Shit happens

So, I found a job, and I lost a job, all in 5 days. I applied for a job on Wednesday, went to interview on Thursday, and started on Friday. And now on Monday, I got a call, that I'm not suitable for this job. I'm "too smart" for the job.

I get nothing for getting angry at the employers now, neither does any of you. I just need to keep seeking. At least I got one day's pay. If they feel I'm not suitable for the job, then I'm not. The employer has the right to select employees. I never signed the contract, because the one handling them stuff, wasn't at work on Friday. I could have demanded it then, but I don't really care. I found a job, I lost a job, now I just have to find another.

The thing here is, I got an experience, even if just for a day. I can see the point they're telling me. I'm quiet and peaceful, and therefore I might not be what they want. At least they were being honest with me, and they told me now, not keep me until the end of May and then say it. Yes, it'd had meant more money and more experience, but probably by then, it would have had come out that they don't want me there.

It's just too bad, I'm too smart for these jobs, but not smart enough for the jobs in my area of work... yet. 

I'm sorry that I let you down...

I've let my friends down, I've let my family down... But most of all, I've let myself down. My studies haven't gone forward almost at all for almost 4 years now... I've tried, but the problems have always been in my own head. I can't get the motivation for anything I'm not interested 100% in, and that's problematic when you can't find anything you have passion for. I'm trying to get back to my original major, computer science, but now the first course I've really taken, it's already going backward. I'm kind of interested in the subject, but how the course is run isn't the way that fits me. Forced group work, forced sitting order on lectures... Like what is this, elementary school?

I'm bad in groups, can't lie about that. I'm that one awkward guy that never says anything to anyone, unless spoken to, and the one that says 'yes' to everything and agrees to anything others say. I know I should be able to face my fears of social happenings, but I can't. This is not the only problem in studying, it's a problem in everyday life. I'm secluding from society when it comes to "real life". I still have a good social life online, but when it comes to social happenings or any new unfamiliar people I have to meet, I'm lost, I rather run away than even try to face that.

Another problem I might have right now when it comes to studying is that I took too many courses right away when trying to restart. I need the courses because I need some study credits, but I should remember my own health. I'm still not mentally healthy, I'd lie if I told I was. I should be able to start slow, but the pressure from society and the stress from needed study credits and the fact I have big financial issues (have no income), made me take too much, and last Sunday, I just spent whole night stressing over the studies, and all studies just froze. I just couldn't get anything done. I have 4 active courses as we speak, two of which are just needing last works (one exam, one essay). The essay needs only one more paragraph, but when you need to pick the topic from 4 options, none of which are something I know anything about, I can't get myself started. Brains going overdrive, and that's still the closest deadline.

I'm bad at scheduling my studying. Even if I schedule them, I can't keep on going on schedule. I find excuses just for myself, I don't even have anyone I need to rationalize my choices, but myself. At the same time that I'm very disappointed and angry with myself, I also feel like I'm just getting more and more pressure. I know that pressure is for purpose when it comes to studying. I'd need to either get my life back on track or just try again via sick leave. I don't want to give up, I've already disappointed people and myself enough. I'm a failure as a student. I've been at University for 3 full years, I have studies of about 1 year. The biggest problem is still forced grouping. I want to do stuff myself, I hate social interaction when it comes to studying. Even though I'm bad at self-studying, I still like it way more than forced to schedule studying. I like to learn things, when it comes to Computer Science, I think I found some interest in coding now, but the first course picked brings me down, because it's forced grouping. Nothing against group members, the problem is in myself, but when it comes to coding, I like to learn by doing myself.

I'm a failure in my own head, but I feel like I have hope, I just have to have studies that fit my own wants, by the way, they are run, and by the topics. I think coding might still be it, but this course I just started is not for me... What do I do, how do I do it?

Feels like we're on the edge right now
I wish that I could say I'm proud
I'm sorry that I let you down
Let you down
All these voices in my head get loud
I wish that I could shut them out
I'm sorry that I let you down
L-l-let you down

Why can't life be easy

Why is life so hard? Why am I making it so hard for myself?

I live for friends, I don't live for me, but still, I'm too scared to talk to even my closest friends because I'm scared I'll say something wrong. I'm gonna apologize to everyone who I have ignored and haven't talked to, the reason is that I'm too scared.

I'm not ok, I would lie if I said otherwise. I'm depressed, and I'm lost. I have no passion, I have no finances, I have no... life. I can't keep living on a lie anymore. I have to either let go of everything and give up on hopes of getting back for a while and just get to sick leave. I don't want to, because I am getting older, and I get kicked down mentally every time I see some people succeed in life, and get something done. I'm jealous, one can say that. That one isn't wrong. I'm jealous of people who get stuff done when I'm just staring at chat windows, emails, study papers, and getting nothing done.

I'm hesitant on getting professional help, because I don't trust them, or myself, enough to think they would help. I've had three different therapeutic relationships, none of which have really seem to have done anything, and mostly because I'm hesitant. For some reason, I'd want to see help from friends rather than pros. I have friends that I can believe to be there for me, but then they can be gone in seconds because I'm so bad at words and talking.

At least LanTrek is coming up, I can see some of my friends I see 1-3 times a year at most. I can just hope they want to see me because I rarely see anything visible showing that. I'm feeling like I'm the one always getting ignored when I want to be seen, and then when I say it, I get kicked down or even dropped out of lives. LanTrek is the one possible venue to see even some of the people who mean the world to me. I wish there were more of them, but what can you do, people tend to have more interest in other happenings.

Life is harsh, it hit me hard before Christmas; I heard my sister tried to commit suicide. I didn't see it coming, even though I probably should have. Even tho we aren't too close, it hit me harder than I thought. Thinking back to times when I was standing very little off the edge of doing it myself, I can't stop thinking "what if". I had one person who saved me back then, and she's still one of the very few I can really trust.

Every friend means the world to me, everybody who is there reading this means a lot. I live for other people, I smile when they smile. But I'm losing trust in what people say because it's never seen visibly.

Friendship isn't seeing and talking daily, or even monthly or yearly. That's what I get said, and I know that I think like that too, but every time I see some people having fun with their friends, I can't stop thinking why there are so few people for me. My trust issues go way back, I haven't been able to trust anything people say since elementary, until just a few years ago. It's still hard, and that's why I like to write these things publicly.

I'm a chicken when it comes to talking to people. I'm scared I say something wrong, I'm scared of acting stupid. I'm scared people hate me because I hate myself. It is not just dislike anymore, it's pure hatred. I should've been doing studying, I was supposed to get back to life after the last rehab that ended last autumn. I am studying at the moment. I need study credits to get aid back. Then I can start at 0. But I need that. I need to get myself to the point of wanting to do something with my life. I have dreams, but sadly most of them require big finances. I don't have dreams of what I want to do with my life, where I want to work. I have too big dreams because I have no passion for anything that could get me money. I spend days staring at screens, mentally lost in trying to talk to the dearest and most important people, trying to study, trying to find something that interests me enough to make living out of it. I... just... can't...

Life's too hard. But it's like that to everyone. I just need to get brave and strong enough to overcome even some of the difficulties. But I'm not there yet. But I don't want to give up and fall back to nothing.... again. 

Grow up trolls!

Insulting others intentionally ISN'T trolling!
Trying to make others feel bad intentionally ISN'T trolling!

You can't go and hide behind trolling when you intentionally hurt others. It's not trolling! You have to be one extra selfish person, to think it's ok to hurt others online any more than it is ok to hurt someone in real life. And the answer when you say about this stuff to these people is always the same: You can just block/unsub/unfollow if someone hurts you online. Of course, you can, but the harm is already done. When a grown-up man is insulting people "just for laughs" it's just sad. You know, or at least you should know, that what you're doing is wrong, and you can't make it any better by saying after you hurt someone's feelings that it was just a troll/joke. And it's always the person getting insulted who is at fault for being too sensitive, right? NO!

Of course, there will always be trolls online, and this ain't a place for everyone, BUT it doesn't mean you have to act like shit to people who don't take it as a joke. There ISN'T a friendly banter between strangers, you have to remember, you can't say everything you say between friends to strangers. If you see someone hurt their feelings, you shouldn't keep going, because "ha ha ha, he hurt his feelings". It's the same thing offline too with bullies, they just put more gasoline to flames after someone hurt their feelings. It's not any more right online than it is offline. It's online bullying, not trolling.

"Internet is not for sensitive people", "You shouldn't be here if you can't take a joke", "You can just leave the conversation, you shouldn't try to clear the internet from trolls". Just a couple of comments I get every time I mention these things. The thing is, there's a difference between trolls and bullies. It's too bad some childish people don't understand that. And one who is insulting others on purpose should NEVER blame the recipient about it, it's not them who did wrong when they came to the internet, it's you who are acting like shit. And because I know some people are now saying "stop trying to save the world", if trying to empty the world of bullying and stupid ignorant idiots is saving the world, I'm not gonna stop until some of you actually understand what you are doing, which of course will take someone killing themself before you understand that you actually are doing something wrong.

Grow up "trolls"!