'If I am real'

I have 2 people who really seem to give a shit about me: my gf and my mom. I have no one else.. Or at least that's how it mostly seems.. I have no IRL friends, and the way I see things I won't for a long while.. I'm not outgoing, I'm most boring conversation partner; I'm a boring person. I get nothing done, I have no motivation in life, mostly because I have only few people close enough.. I see posts about people having fun with friends, and every time I want to be one of them.. I just can't do it.

Some of you might think my life is perfect, because of loving girlfriend, that's also what I thought a while ago, but it has changed... I can now see, I need more people in my life. I do have people I care about, a lot of them, but mostly it seems it's a one-way deal. No one asks me how I am, no one cares.. I get ignored a lot online, I just get by-passed.. And a few I have tried to help, doesn't seem to always notice my help, or at least it doesn't seem to affect.. It makes me feel like I'm just air from time to time.

A song by Finnish artist Sanni called "Jos mä oon oikee" (If I am real) got me thinking about stuff. The chorus roughly translated: "If I am real, why people walk through me? If I am real, why I don't even remember my name? If I am real, why mirror doesn't reflect me anymore? If I am real, why I don't even remember my name?" That goes deep into my thoughts. I'm just a see-through.

I care about all of you people, whether or not you care me back. I know I don't contact many of you either, and that's because I don't know what to say. I know lot of you have same problem, with me, or with other people. I try to command myself and you to open mouth if you feel like it. WE CAN DO IT!

What if...

SUOMEKSI

What if I'm doing this wrong? What if I am making total fool of myself?

I am afraid of doing something wrong, big time. That's one thing that stops me at many things; applying for job, talking to people, even doing some household chores. I just can't get my mind off from "what if"-thoughts of everything that can go wrong. I am never first one to go do something, I am follower. I can't do anything, if someone else haven't done it before me.

Everybody makes mistakes, I know that, but somehow it doesn't help me off my fear. My life gets harder every single day, because I can't get myself doing anything I would have to do. If I might do something wrong about something, I won't do it at all, in fear of doing it wrong. That's why I can't just go to stores or workplaces to ask if they have job available, because I might be asking wrong person, or I shouldn't just do it that way.

I don't know if this "fear" is caused by being bullied in the past, but that might be one cause. Other can just be my nature. I'm people pleaser, in big way. I want to make everyone around me happy, and I don't want to harm anyone. That is something I see good about me, but it's also bad at times. Too much is too much, as in everything.

I'm just a lazy piece of shit!

I know I'm being harsh on myself, but as the title says, that's how I think about myself right now... I have started blaiming myself on all this shit I've been through; again... I'm super-lazy by nature, and that's something I can't change, at least in my head. I've had 3 weeks to start emptying my current apartment for moving, but no, I've been able to do absolutely nothing, apart from emptying that one bookshelf, and even that not wholy.. My stress levels are getting high, because I know I will get shout at, if I do nothing, and also I fear that nothing will change when I need to get myself a job. I also can already see myself failing to start studies, because of my own level of laziness..

Laziness is reason behind all the shit I've been through: depression, loneliness, stress of no money. I can't blame depression for my laziness, because it is the other way round, and it will always be. Nothing will change, no matter what anyone says. I can't get myself to do anything, because I'm lazyass piece of shit. I've been thinking about how I was year or two ago, and yeah, right now I can say, I haven't really done progress. I can act like I have gone forward, but it's just an act. In my head, nothing have changed in my head, apart from emation-wise. I need a job, I need a step forward, I need something, but I can't make myself do anything to get it.

I have been happier than I was last year, that's because of my girlfriend, I'm happy I have someone to love, and someone who loves me, but unfortunately that's not enough. I need to get my personal life forward too, but all I do is get our life forward. That's all I can get myself to do, to make my girlfriend feel happy, or at least try to do that. My personal life is on downhill to hell, and it doesn't seem like it's stopping. I have no motivation to study, I have no motivation to get a job, I have no motivation to even clean my own apartment. All those things are mandatory for me right now, if I ever want to get any income. I'm not being depressed, I'm being lazy piece of shit. I want to help others as much as I can, I don't even care anymore about myself. Seeing happy people makes me happy, on the outside. Inside, there's sadness almost all the time. I'm professional in hiding it, after doing it for over 10 years. I can hide it from others, but I can't hide it from myself. If I could, it would be greatest thing ever.

I wrote this post while crying, while thinking how shitty I am to myself; while thinking of all the things I SHOULD be doing and SHOULD have done. Things I SHOULD but I COULDN'T and/or CAN'T. I can't count on others doing something magical to get me going, while I can't even get myself doing anything I need to do. I am too lazy, I am a lazyass piece of shit.

Big hugs to everyone, hope you all good!

New apartment // Student subjection in Finland

So, this happened: I signed some rental papers on wednesday and yesterday my GF got two keys for our new apartment. I can't officially move in until end of September, because of notice period on my current apartment, but technically we can start moving whenever we can. This is big step forward in my life, and I have been waiting for something like this to happen. Moving in with my GF was already planned pre-summer, as I said on previous posts, but it couldn't be done, because couldn't really find suitable apartment. Now that papers are signed, and my GF has the keys, I am very happy. Life goes forward for a change.

I still have some things to work through before I move in; I don't know where I get money from for September, and also what I do this fall. I will have to visit KELA to see what I can do with rehab thingy, if I can do anything. I will be studying next year, at least a bit, as distance studies. I will have to get 20 study credits before I get my study aid back, and that's what I'm aiming for. But because I'll have to study without aid, I'll have to either get a job, or get social aid. I can't get myself to be unemployed, because I have place to study, and I registered for next academic year.

'Worry' isn't a swear word

Worrying isn't bad thing. If somebody worries about you, it's nothing to be afraid of. You don't have to apologize for "making someone worry about you". People worry about you on their freewill, you aren't forcing them to do anything, and therefore you aren't doing anything wrong, so why should you apologize for it? Nobody would want to live in the world where no one is worried about others. Worrying = caring, and if someone cares about you, you should be happy about it, not trying to hide from it. Don't be afraid to tell something that makes you feel down to someone, because you think he/she would get "too worried". There's no such thing as "too worried". Everybody chooses themselves who and how much they worry and care.

If nobody would have been worried about me about a year ago, I wouldn't be here writing this blog. When people get worried about you, it just means they would want to help, if they can. Everybody chooses themselves how much they worry, you don't have to be afraid that you make someone feel down. If someone cares about you, and gets worried, it's their own choice, at least usually. Most of people can see themselves when there's too much sh*t to handle for them, and they can stop themselves for worrying too much. It's not your job to choose who cares and worries about you, and how much they do.

What have I done wrong?

The question in the title is the one I ask myself lots of times... per day. That's because I can't help blaiming myself of the fact that I'm lonely. To generalize, only times when people come talk to me, is when they need something. At least that's how it feels like. If I want any other conversation, I need to start it; and because I'm shit at working out any topics to talk about, I don't have any conversations. Of course there are some people who talk to me, but I just can't help to think, what have I done wrong, when people, who I talked with daily earlier, rarely talk to me at all.

I know I'm not easiest person to contact with, because I am cynical piece of shit, so to say. But that's something I can't really change; or I could, but I won't, because that's part of me. I am negative on lots of things. I can't know all the reasons, but biggest reasons come from my past.

Some of you might call me attention whore now. No, that's not what I'm doing. I don't want anyone to have contact on me just because of what I write. I'm just wondering why people don't talk to me. My life is on stall at the moment, I'm not going forward as things stand right now. In two months time, I've hopefully moved to Kouvola. I am trying to get to rehabilitation, to get myself to work, or to do anything really. I'll probably take year off studies, so I need something. I can't just lay on the bed all day every day; my gf would kick me out. I have been like that for long time now really, and even I can't handle it. I have stress for multiple reasons, economical issues being the largest. I am genuinely hoping for that lottery jackpot, so the stress would go away.

I am still same person that I was a year ago; only change being that I'm in relationship now. It doesn't change much, for now, in my everyday life, until we move together. Still, somehow almost every contact I had year ago, has disappeared. Partly because I don't contact lots of people, partly because I don't get contacted. Yes, I've got new contacts and friends after that, but still, I can't stop thinking, what have I done wrong to lose the old ones. Different interests might be one thing, but that's one thing I have with everyone, because I don't have any clear interests. Even if I have different interests with someone, that doesn't mean we couldn't talk.

But as I said earlier, don't talk to me if you don't want to; but I would just want to know why I am left alone. This was written when I was down deep, so it might come out little harsh on some points, but this is who I am right now. Talk to me, if you want to have contact with me. If you want to be part of my life, make some effort on it from your end, I won't start every conversation. Thank you and have a great summer, or so.

Loneliness inside

The feeling of loneliness, when it's not by choice, is one of the saddest feelings there is. At least for me. I am alone most times, and sometimes I'm ok with it, but sometimes, like now when I'm writing this post, it's unbearable. 

Everyone who knows me, knows that my intentions are always keeping everyone happy, but in the same time, I'm really feeling lonely. I'm not starting to beg, but sometimes I just can't stop thinking about the fact, why I don't get any response to it. When I see someone feeling down, I'll atleast try to help them get happier, because seeing sad people is sadder than being sad myself. Sometimes I feel like I never get that same thing back. I have almost no people talking to me, without starting to talk to them. Because of that, I sometimes, or my brain sometimes start to put thoughts to my head: "What have I done wrong? Does anybody care about me?" 

When at the same time I am person, who needs alone time, I also need company. This steps in, when I see lots of other people posting somewhere how happy they are, having fun with friends. Yes, I'm happy for everyone who are happy, it makes me happy to see people happy, but in the background, I feel like I'm only one who doesn't have anyone to have fun with. Gaming-wise, this partly is "own choice", because I don't play the most popular games, so I don't have many games to play with friends. While people might think, why I don't start playing the popular games; the thing for me is, that even good company won't make in my mind shitty games better. I won't play games just for company, so yes, my loneliness is partly my choice. I sometimes "hate" myself for thinking like this, but that's just who I am, and I won't change that. 

Also, going to "real life" meet-ups, LANs and other meetings with people, I have noticed that also with people around, I feel lonely. I am alone in company, because I am partly outsider, in every group. This is partly results from my background of being bullied. I doubt myself, my self-esteem is down, and I overthink what other people think about me, simultaneously lying to myself that I'm bad person.