I'm just a lazy piece of shit!

I know I'm being harsh on myself, but as the title says, that's how I think about myself right now... I have started blaiming myself on all this shit I've been through; again... I'm super-lazy by nature, and that's something I can't change, at least in my head. I've had 3 weeks to start emptying my current apartment for moving, but no, I've been able to do absolutely nothing, apart from emptying that one bookshelf, and even that not wholy.. My stress levels are getting high, because I know I will get shout at, if I do nothing, and also I fear that nothing will change when I need to get myself a job. I also can already see myself failing to start studies, because of my own level of laziness..

Laziness is reason behind all the shit I've been through: depression, loneliness, stress of no money. I can't blame depression for my laziness, because it is the other way round, and it will always be. Nothing will change, no matter what anyone says. I can't get myself to do anything, because I'm lazyass piece of shit. I've been thinking about how I was year or two ago, and yeah, right now I can say, I haven't really done progress. I can act like I have gone forward, but it's just an act. In my head, nothing have changed in my head, apart from emation-wise. I need a job, I need a step forward, I need something, but I can't make myself do anything to get it.

I have been happier than I was last year, that's because of my girlfriend, I'm happy I have someone to love, and someone who loves me, but unfortunately that's not enough. I need to get my personal life forward too, but all I do is get our life forward. That's all I can get myself to do, to make my girlfriend feel happy, or at least try to do that. My personal life is on downhill to hell, and it doesn't seem like it's stopping. I have no motivation to study, I have no motivation to get a job, I have no motivation to even clean my own apartment. All those things are mandatory for me right now, if I ever want to get any income. I'm not being depressed, I'm being lazy piece of shit. I want to help others as much as I can, I don't even care anymore about myself. Seeing happy people makes me happy, on the outside. Inside, there's sadness almost all the time. I'm professional in hiding it, after doing it for over 10 years. I can hide it from others, but I can't hide it from myself. If I could, it would be greatest thing ever.

I wrote this post while crying, while thinking how shitty I am to myself; while thinking of all the things I SHOULD be doing and SHOULD have done. Things I SHOULD but I COULDN'T and/or CAN'T. I can't count on others doing something magical to get me going, while I can't even get myself doing anything I need to do. I am too lazy, I am a lazyass piece of shit.

Big hugs to everyone, hope you all good!

New apartment // Student subjection in Finland

So, this happened: I signed some rental papers on wednesday and yesterday my GF got two keys for our new apartment. I can't officially move in until end of September, because of notice period on my current apartment, but technically we can start moving whenever we can. This is big step forward in my life, and I have been waiting for something like this to happen. Moving in with my GF was already planned pre-summer, as I said on previous posts, but it couldn't be done, because couldn't really find suitable apartment. Now that papers are signed, and my GF has the keys, I am very happy. Life goes forward for a change.

I still have some things to work through before I move in; I don't know where I get money from for September, and also what I do this fall. I will have to visit KELA to see what I can do with rehab thingy, if I can do anything. I will be studying next year, at least a bit, as distance studies. I will have to get 20 study credits before I get my study aid back, and that's what I'm aiming for. But because I'll have to study without aid, I'll have to either get a job, or get social aid. I can't get myself to be unemployed, because I have place to study, and I registered for next academic year.

'Worry' isn't a swear word

Worrying isn't bad thing. If somebody worries about you, it's nothing to be afraid of. You don't have to apologize for "making someone worry about you". People worry about you on their freewill, you aren't forcing them to do anything, and therefore you aren't doing anything wrong, so why should you apologize for it? Nobody would want to live in the world where no one is worried about others. Worrying = caring, and if someone cares about you, you should be happy about it, not trying to hide from it. Don't be afraid to tell something that makes you feel down to someone, because you think he/she would get "too worried". There's no such thing as "too worried". Everybody chooses themselves who and how much they worry and care.

If nobody would have been worried about me about a year ago, I wouldn't be here writing this blog. When people get worried about you, it just means they would want to help, if they can. Everybody chooses themselves how much they worry, you don't have to be afraid that you make someone feel down. If someone cares about you, and gets worried, it's their own choice, at least usually. Most of people can see themselves when there's too much sh*t to handle for them, and they can stop themselves for worrying too much. It's not your job to choose who cares and worries about you, and how much they do.

What have I done wrong?

The question in the title is the one I ask myself lots of times... per day. That's because I can't help blaiming myself of the fact that I'm lonely. To generalize, only times when people come talk to me, is when they need something. At least that's how it feels like. If I want any other conversation, I need to start it; and because I'm shit at working out any topics to talk about, I don't have any conversations. Of course there are some people who talk to me, but I just can't help to think, what have I done wrong, when people, who I talked with daily earlier, rarely talk to me at all.

I know I'm not easiest person to contact with, because I am cynical piece of shit, so to say. But that's something I can't really change; or I could, but I won't, because that's part of me. I am negative on lots of things. I can't know all the reasons, but biggest reasons come from my past.

Some of you might call me attention whore now. No, that's not what I'm doing. I don't want anyone to have contact on me just because of what I write. I'm just wondering why people don't talk to me. My life is on stall at the moment, I'm not going forward as things stand right now. In two months time, I've hopefully moved to Kouvola. I am trying to get to rehabilitation, to get myself to work, or to do anything really. I'll probably take year off studies, so I need something. I can't just lay on the bed all day every day; my gf would kick me out. I have been like that for long time now really, and even I can't handle it. I have stress for multiple reasons, economical issues being the largest. I am genuinely hoping for that lottery jackpot, so the stress would go away.

I am still same person that I was a year ago; only change being that I'm in relationship now. It doesn't change much, for now, in my everyday life, until we move together. Still, somehow almost every contact I had year ago, has disappeared. Partly because I don't contact lots of people, partly because I don't get contacted. Yes, I've got new contacts and friends after that, but still, I can't stop thinking, what have I done wrong to lose the old ones. Different interests might be one thing, but that's one thing I have with everyone, because I don't have any clear interests. Even if I have different interests with someone, that doesn't mean we couldn't talk.

But as I said earlier, don't talk to me if you don't want to; but I would just want to know why I am left alone. This was written when I was down deep, so it might come out little harsh on some points, but this is who I am right now. Talk to me, if you want to have contact with me. If you want to be part of my life, make some effort on it from your end, I won't start every conversation. Thank you and have a great summer, or so.

Loneliness inside

The feeling of loneliness, when it's not by choice, is one of the saddest feelings there is. At least for me. I am alone most times, and sometimes I'm ok with it, but sometimes, like now when I'm writing this post, it's unbearable. 

Everyone who knows me, knows that my intentions are always keeping everyone happy, but in the same time, I'm really feeling lonely. I'm not starting to beg, but sometimes I just can't stop thinking about the fact, why I don't get any response to it. When I see someone feeling down, I'll atleast try to help them get happier, because seeing sad people is sadder than being sad myself. Sometimes I feel like I never get that same thing back. I have almost no people talking to me, without starting to talk to them. Because of that, I sometimes, or my brain sometimes start to put thoughts to my head: "What have I done wrong? Does anybody care about me?" 

When at the same time I am person, who needs alone time, I also need company. This steps in, when I see lots of other people posting somewhere how happy they are, having fun with friends. Yes, I'm happy for everyone who are happy, it makes me happy to see people happy, but in the background, I feel like I'm only one who doesn't have anyone to have fun with. Gaming-wise, this partly is "own choice", because I don't play the most popular games, so I don't have many games to play with friends. While people might think, why I don't start playing the popular games; the thing for me is, that even good company won't make in my mind shitty games better. I won't play games just for company, so yes, my loneliness is partly my choice. I sometimes "hate" myself for thinking like this, but that's just who I am, and I won't change that. 

Also, going to "real life" meet-ups, LANs and other meetings with people, I have noticed that also with people around, I feel lonely. I am alone in company, because I am partly outsider, in every group. This is partly results from my background of being bullied. I doubt myself, my self-esteem is down, and I overthink what other people think about me, simultaneously lying to myself that I'm bad person.

My patience is running out

I am normally very patient person, about anything, but right now, I'm starting to lose my patience on my life. I've gone very little bit forward in my life in last 2 years. I've done my civil service, and I've found myself a loving GF. Other than that, my life is running in place.

I've been raised to believe in fate; everything happens for a reason; but sometimes I just wish I knew the reason. There's too much waiting for stuff, that I can't do anything about. I can't be patient for long, if at same time I'm unaware of almost everything. I can't stay patient even about getting myself healthy and able to study or work, while at the same time society pressures me to do all kinds of decisions, and to try to handle all shit that I really just can't. Stress levels cause shitty sleep schedule, and overthinking everything. Lately my brain also has started to think, how many people really do care. I am lonely, even when in company. I noticed that yesterday when I was celebrating Mother's Day with relatives. I thought I might have a good day, but I ended up just laying in couch, trying to stop myself from crying, while at the same time there were people around me all the time.

That's my life. I'm lonely almost all the time; only exceptions being the times when I'm with my GF or with my friends, which I can't see that often. And online, I feel even lonelier day by day. I have only few people who come talk to me regularly. I can't start conversations myself, because I fear that they will end awkwardly. And because barely anyone comes to talk to me, my brain starts thinking that no one really cares. I know there's people who do, but my brain doesn't.

I will have big decisions to make right now. I have to somehow be able to decide whether I move to my parents for summer, or if I stay in Tampere, or if I move to Kouvola. I will move to Kouvola after summer at latest, if everything goes as it seems right now, but what do I do over summer, is still a blur. And I can't clarify it by myself, I have to wait for decisions from KELA, and my psychiatrist. I still need that someone in my life, at least for every week, to see, to have contact with, but at this moment, I can't do anything about it.

There are people amongst you who saved my life earlier. I know you will be there for me, if I need you, but I just can't get myself to start asking for help, because I can't put my thoughts into words. I know I will be allright, but it will take time, and I most probably can't do it by myself. My patience is running out, I won't last for long.

This thing I call life

My life... let's say it straight, is not good at the moment. Main thing is the fact that I can't do anything with it. I am going through depression, and it's getting worse again. Even though I have a loving GF, and many friends online, I still am lonely most of the time, and also, I'm not doing anything atm. I know some of you will come and tell me to do something with it, but it's not that easy. Depression is a disease, I would like to get it out of my life, but it doesn't happen in a blink of an eye. One thing that doesn't help with my depression is amount of stress I'm getting, mainly because of economical issues. I have no income at the moment, because of waiting time on sickness benefit. I am on sick leave for 66 days, and there's waiting time of 55 days on sickness benefit. There's just no logic. How the hell do they think I can even have any power to try to fix all this shit I have to figure out to even get money for living? The amount of stress society gives me doesn't help me at all while I'm trying to cure my depression.

I have got told by people to get myself a job. If you have audacity to tell me that, you should at least find out some facts first. There's 10.3% unemployment rate in Finland as of March this year. On 15-24 year olds (the age group I'm in), the same figure is 27.7%. It's not that easy to find a job to do. I am happy for you if you have got yourself a job easily, but you have no need to come tell me to get a job. If I could, I would. Also, for further information, there's not many employers giving jobs to people on sick leave, and also depressed people aren't the easiest employees most of the time (not always). Also, for me personally, another big thing making getting a job difficult, is the fact that I have no degree, apart from graduating from high school. Even professionals can't find jobs these days, how do you think a person with no degrees would get them any easier?

You can come tell me I am lazy, and I won't even blame you for it. I am lazy from time to time, mostly because of depression, partly because of my nature. But the situation I'm in isn't caused by laziness. It's caused by series of things from the past, leading to the depression.

At this moment, I'll have big decisions to make, but I can't make any plans to anywhere, because I'm waiting for progression on all the shit I can't affect. I will move probably before summer, but at this point, I can't say 100% sure if I will move back to my parents' or closer to my GF. I will have year-off from studies, and therefore I also have to figure out where and how I will get an income. But for now, the main thing I have to think about, is getting my own situation to improve. It will improve at some point, I know that, I can make it happen, but it won't be easy, and it won't be quick.

Also, I have to use this (again) to thank all the people that have been there for me lately. There isn't many people talking to me, and every single word you say to me, helps me. I am happy for everyone who have come to talk to me, at least said "hi". Don't be afraid to come talk to me; if I don't feel like talking, I will tell it straight away. YOU people are my fuel. YOU are the reason why I'm still breathing.