Do I belong?

SUOMEKSI this post is translated from Finnish - might not have perfect grammar

Do I belong anywhere? This is what I thought about last night, and what it means is that I've been starting to feel, that I'm not in any group, but I'm only part of groups, and if I weren't there, nobody would even notice. I noticed that partly at Assembly LAN party, where I was walking around with some people, but that's it; people moved from place to place quickly, and few times, I ended up sitting alone with my GF. I'm not that social myself, and that's part of the problem, but I still want to feel like I'm really part of even one group. It's same online right now; I'm not noticed, and it feels that if I disappeared, it wouldn't be noted, people would just continue in normal way. I'm outsider, even as part of a community.

At the same time, I've thought why am I even here? I became SoMe addict, because I could be more "me" in here than in real life, but now I feel, that there's no one here anymore. My personal life also isn't moving forward at the moment. I'm seeking for job, passively, but there's no job to be seen. And I know, it's partly my own fault, because I can't get myself to go ask for job face to face, because it's too big step for me, because I'm shy and unsocial. That gives me stress, because I have no idea how I get money to live. At this moment 100% of my income is from social aid, and I don't want it to be like that. I want a job, but I can't get one, and I want a motivation to study, but nothing interests me.

One more thing from Assembly: At the end of LANs, I was sent to go get a trolley for the group... I waited for one to free for about half an hour, and guess what: the group I was getting it for, had already got one from elsewhere during that time, and of course, no one told me.. And then I just walked back to the door with empty trolley. It can seem like small thing for lot of you, but it annoyed me pretty much even then. It just makes the feel that I'm outsider even bigger in my head... I'm not even remembered. Yes, it's wrong way to think, but that's how it goes in my head. Assembly was great happening for me again, because I don't see people that often, but once again, was it worth it? I live for my friends, but is it worth it? Thank you anyway for all of the people who spent time with me in there, you are wonderful ♥.

I'm weak.

I'm weak, mentally and physically. I can't say no to anything, because all I care about is other people's well-being. I don't even really care about my life. I put everyone ahead of myself, and I can tell you that it's getting hard on my brain. I'm going back down deeper to depression, just because of my own weakness and stupidity.

From someone who hasn't been in this situation, it can be easy to say that just think about yourself. It can seem easy for you, but because I'm people pleaser by nature, it's not that easy. I can't make anyone around me sad, or mad at me. I don't want to see it, I just don't. That's the reason why I'm quickly going downhill again. I have loving girlfriend, but sometimes I think I'm too weak to say no, even tho I want to. And sorry that YOU have to read this from my blog, I'm too weak to say it face-to-face. I'm getting tired mentally and physically, because of my people pleasing nature.

Everyone of you, who have been around me, know me as lovely and kind person. That's who I am, but for my mind, it's getting hard. I would like to have my own time, but I can't get it, because of the fact that I can't think for myself ahead of others. My life goes around my girlfriend. Before I do anything, I always have to think how it affects her, and usually I don't do what I want to because of that. Same goes with friends, who I rarely see. I'm just a follower without own life.

That's also one reason why I'm 'afraid' to get a job. I see myself as a failure in that job, even before I have tried a single second. And because I don't want to make anyone mad, I can't fail, even tho everyone makes mistakes. I'm applying for jobs when anything I could be able to do, comes up, but no luck so far. I'm actually up for even an un-paid job at the moment, because I would just need to get myself daily rhythm, but it's hard to get even those at today's society. I have no contacts, I have no degree, I have no experience... That leads to having no job. That's the wheel that's spinning.

Another thing about my life at the moment, it starts to seem (again) that I only have my girlfriend. She's all I have, she's only one who cares. And even tho it should be enough, it isn't. I need someone else in my life too. I have no friends, outside some streams and random messages on Twitter. I'm glad Assembly Winter is coming, so I can see some people in person again, if I can get there. Money is running low. As I type this, I have 20€ in my bank account, and I have ~50€ of bills to pay. I'm waiting for social aid, which should be coming, but you never know. My economical stress level is high, because I'll never know when it hits 0.

When I have multiple days in row, where only social life I have is my gf and the trip to the shop, it's getting hard on me. My social life is shit, that I can say straight. That I could fix myself by going out to do something, but because I'm too afraid and I hate myself, I can't make new contacts. I'm afraid they don't like me, and every conversation is going through my head beforehand; and they don't look good. And because I know there will be people telling me I'm good person, there's nothing to be afraid of, I can tell you that I'd agree, but somehow still something pulls me back from every new situation, if it's not forced. I think I just need my current friends from online to get closer, I can't make new contacts. I just can't get myself up and running. I can't do it by myself, I can't do it even with my girlfriend's help (thank you, you're doing best you can ♥ ).. I need some friend(s) that I can hang out with. I'm not outgoing, but I still like to hang-out with friends. I can't speak about my problems, because typing is easier, so phone calls don't help. I need face-to-face contacts, that's the situation when I probably could speak.

But yeah, again, thanks for reading this post, and thanks for being interested in my so-called life. I'm thankful.

Finnish break: Anteeksi niille teistä jotka ette ymmärrä englantia, en tule kääntämään tätä, joten kyselkää muilta, jos ette ymmärrä jotain, tai käyttäkää kääntäjiä. Mun englannin kieli on loppuviimein melko simppeliä, joten kääntäjätkin auttavat jo paljon :) 

Am I too generous?

Being generous is part of my nature, I like to give to others, and I love to see others smile of something I did or gave to them. But one thing behind it, is the fact that I just hope to see someone do something to me. I have very few people, my gf and my family, who really do that every now and then.

I just had my birthday, and I can just say, I'm so thankful for my GF; if it wasn't for her, my birthday would have been worst day of my life. Yes, I got gongratulations online... messages, some empty, some more loving. I just got this feeling that there's really few people who really care. I get ignored everywhere I go, unintentionally or not, it hurts. I've been loner for almost my whole life, and when I got online, I finally felt like I belonged in a group. That is slowly going away. I feel like I'm just that one generous dude that gives to others, but that no one really cares. I'm the one who does stuff for others, but rarely gets asked how my life is going.

And to answer to that last one, my life is going kind of good, but my stress levels are getting high, I have no motivation to anything... I have no motivation to life, to be honest. My life is full of paperwork, trying to get enough documents to social service, to get income to live my life. I'm getting sick and tired of that, but because of the fact that I'm unmotivated, that's only thing I really can do. I'm not willing to get my ass up to get job, not that there was any jobs for me anyway; being uneducated, depressed and without any contacts. I know, I should get myself up and "demand" jobs, but I'm not that kind of person. I'm not person who demands anything of anyone, I'm the one who silently grieves when nothing gets done, but never says it aloud.

Yay, christmas is coming... Ok, I'm not even that excited. Christmas is great time; I get together with my family, but I just know, it'll be empty feelings after that; as it is before. I have my family, and I have my GF; that's all I have, at least that's in my mind. I know in my heart that there's people who care, but because I don't see it, I can't really feel it. My birthday was great, I got money to buy stuff I want, and my GF got me gifts I wanted, but for some reason, I waited for more, and got disappointed. I got so many "empty" Happy birthday -messages, that they just filled my head. I know for some that's all they can do, but still, I just assumed more. I got one phone call from one of my closest friends, at midnight, but I didn't answer, because my phone was silent. Apart from that, my mom called me, and I got money gift. I'm just grateful my girlfriend was here. She cares, and she shows it.

I know some of you can now think I'm greedy, I just want stuff, I just want gifts, I just want YOU to buy me things. No, it's not that; I assumed so, because I'm overly generous myself. I can't stop giving you, and I just think you are same as me. I know it's not like that. I uncontrollably cried for over an hour last night, just because of all stress coming up, and thoughts of being alone; thoughts of my past, and thoughts of "what if". The thoughts of "without my GF, I would have no one". And to be honest, without my girlfriend, I wouldn't have gone this far. I wouldn't probably be here anymore without her.

All of you who even try to show me you care, thank you. You were my world two years ago; and you are still big part of my life. I don't live for myself, I live for you! I live because I want to see you smile for more, because I want your smile to brighten up my life.

'If I am real'

I have 2 people who really seem to give a shit about me: my gf and my mom. I have no one else.. Or at least that's how it mostly seems.. I have no IRL friends, and the way I see things I won't for a long while.. I'm not outgoing, I'm most boring conversation partner; I'm a boring person. I get nothing done, I have no motivation in life, mostly because I have only few people close enough.. I see posts about people having fun with friends, and every time I want to be one of them.. I just can't do it.

Some of you might think my life is perfect, because of loving girlfriend, that's also what I thought a while ago, but it has changed... I can now see, I need more people in my life. I do have people I care about, a lot of them, but mostly it seems it's a one-way deal. No one asks me how I am, no one cares.. I get ignored a lot online, I just get by-passed.. And a few I have tried to help, doesn't seem to always notice my help, or at least it doesn't seem to affect.. It makes me feel like I'm just air from time to time.

A song by Finnish artist Sanni called "Jos mä oon oikee" (If I am real) got me thinking about stuff. The chorus roughly translated: "If I am real, why people walk through me? If I am real, why I don't even remember my name? If I am real, why mirror doesn't reflect me anymore? If I am real, why I don't even remember my name?" That goes deep into my thoughts. I'm just a see-through.

I care about all of you people, whether or not you care me back. I know I don't contact many of you either, and that's because I don't know what to say. I know lot of you have same problem, with me, or with other people. I try to command myself and you to open mouth if you feel like it. WE CAN DO IT!

What if...

SUOMEKSI

What if I'm doing this wrong? What if I am making total fool of myself?

I am afraid of doing something wrong, big time. That's one thing that stops me at many things; applying for job, talking to people, even doing some household chores. I just can't get my mind off from "what if"-thoughts of everything that can go wrong. I am never first one to go do something, I am follower. I can't do anything, if someone else haven't done it before me.

Everybody makes mistakes, I know that, but somehow it doesn't help me off my fear. My life gets harder every single day, because I can't get myself doing anything I would have to do. If I might do something wrong about something, I won't do it at all, in fear of doing it wrong. That's why I can't just go to stores or workplaces to ask if they have job available, because I might be asking wrong person, or I shouldn't just do it that way.

I don't know if this "fear" is caused by being bullied in the past, but that might be one cause. Other can just be my nature. I'm people pleaser, in big way. I want to make everyone around me happy, and I don't want to harm anyone. That is something I see good about me, but it's also bad at times. Too much is too much, as in everything.

I'm just a lazy piece of shit!

I know I'm being harsh on myself, but as the title says, that's how I think about myself right now... I have started blaiming myself on all this shit I've been through; again... I'm super-lazy by nature, and that's something I can't change, at least in my head. I've had 3 weeks to start emptying my current apartment for moving, but no, I've been able to do absolutely nothing, apart from emptying that one bookshelf, and even that not wholy.. My stress levels are getting high, because I know I will get shout at, if I do nothing, and also I fear that nothing will change when I need to get myself a job. I also can already see myself failing to start studies, because of my own level of laziness..

Laziness is reason behind all the shit I've been through: depression, loneliness, stress of no money. I can't blame depression for my laziness, because it is the other way round, and it will always be. Nothing will change, no matter what anyone says. I can't get myself to do anything, because I'm lazyass piece of shit. I've been thinking about how I was year or two ago, and yeah, right now I can say, I haven't really done progress. I can act like I have gone forward, but it's just an act. In my head, nothing have changed in my head, apart from emation-wise. I need a job, I need a step forward, I need something, but I can't make myself do anything to get it.

I have been happier than I was last year, that's because of my girlfriend, I'm happy I have someone to love, and someone who loves me, but unfortunately that's not enough. I need to get my personal life forward too, but all I do is get our life forward. That's all I can get myself to do, to make my girlfriend feel happy, or at least try to do that. My personal life is on downhill to hell, and it doesn't seem like it's stopping. I have no motivation to study, I have no motivation to get a job, I have no motivation to even clean my own apartment. All those things are mandatory for me right now, if I ever want to get any income. I'm not being depressed, I'm being lazy piece of shit. I want to help others as much as I can, I don't even care anymore about myself. Seeing happy people makes me happy, on the outside. Inside, there's sadness almost all the time. I'm professional in hiding it, after doing it for over 10 years. I can hide it from others, but I can't hide it from myself. If I could, it would be greatest thing ever.

I wrote this post while crying, while thinking how shitty I am to myself; while thinking of all the things I SHOULD be doing and SHOULD have done. Things I SHOULD but I COULDN'T and/or CAN'T. I can't count on others doing something magical to get me going, while I can't even get myself doing anything I need to do. I am too lazy, I am a lazyass piece of shit.

Big hugs to everyone, hope you all good!

New apartment // Student subjection in Finland

So, this happened: I signed some rental papers on wednesday and yesterday my GF got two keys for our new apartment. I can't officially move in until end of September, because of notice period on my current apartment, but technically we can start moving whenever we can. This is big step forward in my life, and I have been waiting for something like this to happen. Moving in with my GF was already planned pre-summer, as I said on previous posts, but it couldn't be done, because couldn't really find suitable apartment. Now that papers are signed, and my GF has the keys, I am very happy. Life goes forward for a change.

I still have some things to work through before I move in; I don't know where I get money from for September, and also what I do this fall. I will have to visit KELA to see what I can do with rehab thingy, if I can do anything. I will be studying next year, at least a bit, as distance studies. I will have to get 20 study credits before I get my study aid back, and that's what I'm aiming for. But because I'll have to study without aid, I'll have to either get a job, or get social aid. I can't get myself to be unemployed, because I have place to study, and I registered for next academic year.