I need a hug

Mediocre depression, social phobia, social anxiety… That's just some of the diagnoses I have. I could even currently say, my depression could be severe. I get actually nothing done at home. I can do the work shifts fine, and after that I get absolutely nothing done. 

I'm done acting like I would be better, I am not. I am going quickly downhill on this spiral, day after day. Alone at home everyday, and no energy to even try to do something about it. There is also very much less social life online too than before, but that's also something I have no one else but myself to blame, because there really is just no energy to try to be social. It also goes together with the social anxiety part; scared to talk to people, scared of saying something wrong, scared of losing them… and in the process losing them all because of not saying anything. 

Another thing in the loneliness is that, even though I like being alone, introvert and all, my love language is physical touch, and same goes with the platonic love too, so between friends. I'm bad at talking, I'm bad at keeping touch, I just want a hug. I want someone to just be, even quiet, close to me. It's not like the great online friends I do have would be meaningless, but they can't compensate it all. 

But again, to that too, it comes together with social phobia and anxiety... I don't go out, I don't go to places, I don't like going out to meet people... It's all a big conflict in my brain; I want to be more social, I want physical touch, I want to be close to people, but also I'm "scared" to go out to do any of that. In work mode I am fine. I work currently as robot vehicle safety operator, so I have contact with customers almost daily, and that's fine, it's work. I can switch to the work mode. But when I switch off from it, I can't do anything social. I am scared of being judged, I am scared of doing something wrong... And at times, I am anxious of people around me. 

I keep telling myself, that getting steady financial status (getting work) would help me with my life, but I got a feeling it won't. It will help somewhat for sure, but it won't fix the bigger picture. Also, some of the people online could think I am not any of these things I say, because my online persona is very different, because it's easier to be myself online than offline. Online I could say pretty much anything, obviously as a people pleaser though trying to not make anyone mad or sad, but offline, I will just go with what everyone else says. 

Love life? Yeah it isn't there. I can say I have crushes, I get crushes easily and quickly, but I will next to never act on them, because "I'm not good enough anyway". This is something I rarely talk about publically. I keep getting told how great person I am, how great friend I am, how someone would be lucky to know me; but none of that really shows. 

TLDR; to this blog: I NEED A HUG. 

I am too kind

I have lately noticed, how much people have abused my kindness in the past. The fact that it's hard for me to say no, and I much rather just accept everything, is easy thing to be abused, but it's painful to understand it afterwards. My kindness comes from the fact, that I put everyone else before myself. So if someone asks me to do something, I will most likely say yes, to make them happy, no matter how bad it might make me feel. It also saves me from conflicts and arguments with other people, because I am a "yes man". Kindness is a trait that I actually like about myself, but too much is too much in this as well. You can be too kind, to the level that it hurts yourself more than it helps others. 

Along with this, I absolutely hate conflicts around me. Even a small argument about something absolutely meaningless, will drain my mental stamina to zero in no time. This I noticed when road tripping with family last two weeks. Smallest of things causing my head to burst, and my "fight or flight" instinct kicks in... And there isn't really "fight" in that instinct on me. I just want to get out. If people are fighting or arguing around me, I will close myself out of the place mentally, almost instantly. But then there comes the overthinking: "Should I do something about this?", "Is there anything I can do to help this?", "Did I cause this?"... Usually the answer is "no", but my brain doesn't find it quickly. 

Another update on my current situation; my mental health is going down at the moment. I am deep down most of the nights, even with ongoing therapy. I am probably ending my studies (again), and trying to get myself into some work... If only any employee would hire a uneducated man with almost no work experience. But will see how that goes in not too long time, hopefully. I was volunteering at IIHF World Champs, as a "chauffeur", and it was fun, and I could see that as a career, but then came the diagnose of sleep apnea, that put my professional driver career hopes at least on pause. I will get treatment gear in little over a month for that, and I hope I will have big positive effects from that, that might also help my mental health, and get myself to do more stuff on daily basis. 

I will be continuing volunteering at Assembly Summer in under two weeks, but that is a thing that is "scaring" me a bit... Mainly because I have no idea what I will do there, and my own head keeps telling me, that whatever it is, I will fail it. I have been arguing with my brain telling me to not go at all, but then again I can see the fact that it might be very nice experience too. And as Assembly events are only places I actually see most of my friends on yearly basis, I don't want to miss it... And if I don't go as a volunteer, my current money situation won't let me go at all. 

Nonetheless, I will do my best to survive this downfall again; I did it in the past already. I'm hitting new lows, and lately been thinking about "How long it would take until someone would notice, if I just disappeared completely?"... And the answer my own brain gives, is years. 

But, to end on happier note, if anyone reading this notices me at Assembly, feel free to say hi. I am socially awkward, so I might not be fluent to start conversation, but I will at least say hi, and give a hug if you want one. I still love you all, even if my brain tells me no one loves me! <3

Random update I guess

What is the meaning of living? I wish I knew. At the moment life feels pointless. Nothing seems to give me the happiness, not even the stuff that used to give it back in the days. I visited Assembly Winter last weekend, just to see friends. It was something, and I noticed there are actually people who still care about my existence. It just took that event to notice it. And the fact that there hasn't been any events for 2 years... Yeah, it shows. These events are the places where I can actually notice that even though I am as socially awkward as I am, some people still appreciate my company. Thank you for that. 

My social anxiety is stopping me from doing anything social, although those seem to be only things that give me even some joy. And because I'm too "scared" to talk to anyone, and it's rare anyone talks to me (there are still some of you, so thank you), my brain turns it to everyone hating me. Also the fact that I hate myself, doesn't really help. 

Therapy is still ongoing, but still every now and then I think if I get all out of it I could get, mainly because I don't really know what I really want from it. Because I can't see anything in my future, so I don't know what to aim for. So maybe the aim is to find what to aim for I guess. 

I am on sick leave now, officially, but I am job hunting, because financial stability would be nice. And also something to do. Yes, I could continue studies, it would be "something to do", but I don't have motivation for it right now. For jobs, I can't know if I have motivation and stamina for that either, but I would want to try. 

My biggest problem is right now the fact, that I get nothing essential done.. Home is a mess, my eating habits are a mess... My brain is a mess. I spent days just thinking what I should be doing, and doing nothing in the process. Video games, sure, are still there, but they don't give me the same happiness they used to. Watching streams, sure, there are still some communities I like to be in. I have lost interest in lot of streams and communities in past year, and I think that's normal, but the fact how important they have been to me, leaving them isn't something I really would want to do. 

People are only reason I live, since I really can't see anything in my own future still. Maybe someday. 

See you at Assembly Summer in August, because I know myself and I know I can't get myself to meet anyone before that anyways. I need something to do to be even a bit less anxious in social situations, so meeting just to have small talk, with no plans, is not for me. Still somewhat thinking if I could go to Assembly Summer with a computer place, but don't know about finances, or logistics, of that. 

I can also see I lost all plot of this blog post somewhere in there, but honestly, I use this blog just to vent and empty my thoughts for a while, so that's understandable I guess. If someone reads these, it's just a plus, not a necessity. 

Me & Video Games & Mental Health

 I have for long played video games just to "turn off my thoughts" for a while, and feel good, or even ok for a while. This is right now just getting harder and harder, and video games don't seem to give me anything anymore. Mainly because I don't feel like I'm good in any games anymore. I spend hours and hours per day just not doing anything (usually means watching true crime or some stupid comedy films for hundredth time). I just don't enjoy games anymore... or anything in that matter. 

I have started therapy for my depression and social anxiety and stuff, but right now I'm just thinking, will it even help me, because I don't know myself what I'm looking for from it. I have no idea what I want, I don't know what I want from my future, or from tomorrow, or from rest of today. I'm just mentally not in a good place. The stuff that gave me some pleasure and happiness earlier, don't seem to give me anything anymore. They are just way to make time go past. 

On social anxiety stand point, I have social anxiety, but I also am dependent on people, meaning that I get mental health from seeing other people, and/or making them happy and stuff like that. That is a mix that will make my mental health worse probably through rest of my life. Covid situation cancelled every event I had to see people I see very rarely anyways, and the fact that I am very awkward in social situations, if there isn't anything to do when meeting people, makes it almost impossible to set up meetings without some events. 

I don't see anything in my future right now. I have no passion on anything, and I need the passion to get any motivation to do anything. I rarely see myself as anything else but a failure, although by many facts, I know that factually it's not true. My mind just doesn't believe that. If you ask me where I see myself in 10 years, I wouldn't know, probably in worst times, the answer would be "in grave". As sad as that sounds, I am not suicidal, I don't wanna die; I just would love to get a reason to be alive. That's the thing I am missing most at the moment. A reason to be here. A WHY. 

I'm not suicidal, but...

I'm in a dark place… Darker than in a long time. And I really can't blame no one else but me. Everything that makes me feel bad about myself and about life, is all my own fault. I have no money, because I can't get myself to do anything clever with my life. I have no IRL friends because my social anxiety stops me from going anywhere. I have no will to live, because I can't see any reason to live in here. 

I don't wanna die, I don't wanna harm myself, but I don't want to live. Or maybe more than that, I want a reset button for my life. My life is list of failures, albeit I got to university twice, I have also failed it twice now, or am close to failing it the second time at least. 

When it comes to using money, I am bad with it, I can't lie about it. I use more money than I have, because everything that makes me feel even a bit happier, costs money, and because of my life situation, I have no income, so where is that money coming from? 

LanTrek tickets are coming available today. Won't be buying them for a while though, but I will be there, no matter what. That's the one thing I can say for certain for my future. I will be there, if I am alive and physically healthy. That will be the one happening, that I have chance to see my most important friends, assuming that they will be there of course. 

When it comes to mental health, I now do have psychotherapist, so it might be moving forward to better, but I can't keep myself from doubting that it's too late. I am in too deep. I… Yeah. 

Christmas is coming, so happy holidays to everyone who celebrates it. I will be in Lapland with family, so might not be in social media that much. Hope you all have great time with family and/or friends, or whoever you are celebrating Christmas with. 

Also, thank you to all of you who have been with me through all these years. The people who actually have tolerated my bad moods, and been there for me. There aren't a lot of you, but I just want you to know, I really appreciate you all. Without you, I'd probably be in worse place already. You keep me sane, at least somewhat. 

Why even try?

 I don't know...

When you think everyday about just giving up, at least about studies, you can't just let it go. I have lost all motivation to study, and even though the topics might be somewhat interesting for me, I just can't get arsed to study. I skip lectures, skip homework, and even though I know it will only bite myself in the ass later, I can't be arsed. I am mad at myself on daily basis, because of the fact that I'm "just lazy". I know that's not the case, since I do have diagnosed mental health problems, but I can't stop myself for thinking that I just use those as an excuse to not do anything...

The fact is, I would love to have some job, but for some reason, I can't get myself to concentrate on studies, to maybe some day get a job. I cry at least every other night, for basically no reason, or just because of thinking what a failure my whole life has been. I just can't seem to get anything right. As I'm writing this, I am again in a low point, and I should be doing some stuff for school. Instead I'm just crying my eyes out, because I can't do that. 

I can't give up on studies anymore; it's already my "second round" at this level of studies. I can't just give up, and try again later. There's no later for me soon. I am already closing in to 30 years, and I have done basically nothing with my life. 

I am depressed, and I think it's on worse level than it has been for a long time. Since I am not suicidal, no one can see that but me. I also have symptoms of ADD, which has never been diagnosed, because it never comes up as topic when talking with psychiatrists, because the depression is so major. My depression is stopping me from enjoying anything right now. I'm just "surviving life". I can't get arsed to cook for myself, I can't get arsed to study, I can't get arsed to keep my house even relatively clean. 

I should be proud of myself for being able to get myself up and do all work hours I was asked to as volunteer for EuroVolley, but then again, I honestly went there just for free food, and to watch the games. Since the volunteer work was relatively badly instructed, and there wasn't clear stuff needed to be done, I pretty much just watched the games when in there. But, to be honest, at least I got my ass up and went there. It's something I guess. 

I have promised myself to not give up anymore, but right now, I don't know if I can keep that promise...

I'm sorry that I let you down. Again. 

Bloody Ironic

Update 1: I was diagnosed some time back with hemochromatosis, which in all-day words means that I have too much iron in my blood. It is being treated by going regularly to give half a litre of blood away in a blood-letting, until the iron volume in blood is low enough. After that it'll probably be treated by giving blood twice a year or so. This is nothing major, so no need to worry about that, and its usual symptoms are pretty much being tired and stuff like that. The hard thing is to be clear if the tiredness is about this disease or the mental side. 

Going to the mental side of things, I am not doing well, I can't lie about it. I cry daily, with or without a reason. Also taking care of my own life is not going well. I do stuff only if it's a must, not before. My motivation is low on living, not to talk about studies. I like my studies, but I just can't get motivated to learn. I am on medication for depression, so it's something, but because my own health institute changed on new year, I haven't yet contacted the new ones, so I have no therapy relation to anywhere for now. Everything is hard. 

When it comes to my social life, at least studies is mostly done in groups, so there's something in that. They are 100% distant studies, but that's nothing we can do anything about for now. Outside of that, I pretty much have nothing. There are a few stream communities I am in, but I don't feel like I really am in them. Video games has been a way to ease my mental health, because it makes me forget, but I tend to not like to play games alone. Multiplayer games have stopped pretty much altogether because of scheduling issues, or just the plain fact, that I am toxic company, when it comes to some games. I can admit, that I get mad very easily, when I do bad in games like CS:GO, but that's mainly because I play games to feel that I can actually do something. When I do bad, I really get mad at myself, and it comes out as being toxic to people, who troll/cheat, or even if they don't. Nowadays, I just sit on computer watching TV shows on Disney+ or Netflix, and... Not doing anything or just playing to waste time. 

"I miss my friends, but I still don't text them, because I just think I'll annoy them, but that's only because I really annoy myself."

I also need a hug. I need someone to come tell me, that I am not ok, and that's ok. I need to hear it from someone else, to really admit it to myself right now. I know I am not fine, but I don't want to admit it.